Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Wife is Not Affectionate

we are both 28. (husband is writing)

im in need of advice. i have been married for 4 years and have a 3 year old son together.

my wife just doesnt pay me any attention. Its driving me mad. its not i have been quiet and not told her. i have told her enough times i dont feel loved. she doesnt touch me, or pays me any attention. she argues and puts me at fault all the time which is very upsetting.

when i tell her shes not doing enough, she gets to me and says i do a lot for you. i cook, look after you, make food, iron clothes, etc. changes subject.

any husband in the world would feel the same. in the past and now, she has said so many bad things to hurt me but i have just stayed quiet. i dont know how long can i go on like this. if my son was not here i would have divorced her. i dont wana lose my son as i love him more than anything and hed be lost without me. whats best way to turn?

if we divorce, i will lose my son, my dad who is 70, will be shocked. please help!

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3 Responses »

  1. I am guessing when you say she does not show affection you mean she is not interested in physical intimacy. There is a difference between men and women here. For her to enjoy that she has to feel like you appreciate her and are interested in her as a person. It sounds like when you tell her you aren't receiving love (which you see as expressed in physical intimacy), and she tells you what she does for you in the way of keeping house, making food, etc, she is telling you that she does not feel you appreciate her for those things, which she does because she does love you. Not everybody expresses their care for the other person in the same way. Usually women will withdraw this way if they do not feel appreciated.

    If you want to heal the relation between you I suggest you try a few things first and see how she responds. Talk to her about her interests and what she has been doing or thinks about something. Thank her and compliment her on the things she does around the house. Don't tell her you don't feel loved, that's not going to help. Show her that you really appreciate her. Talking like this about her thoughts and interests and knowing she is appreciated will make her feel closer to you, this is how women establish intimacy. It will make her feel more affectionate toward you physically and more likely to respond. Make sure you aren't just using it as a way to get her to respond though, you have to take a genuine interest or she will see it as just a ploy.

    When you are affectionate with her go slowly and see what sort of thing she likes or is comfortable with. Think back to the early days of your relationship. Cuddling, backrubs, etc may be more meaningful and more intimate to her, once she knows you appreciate her as a person, and might get her to feel more affectionate, but you should ask about the sort of things that she likes, or try something and ask if she likes it. It may take a lot of effort on your part to get her to open up again, as she has closed you out for such a long time, but if you try it with her needs in mind, not just yours, I think you will be pleased with the results. If she feels appreciated and loved she will want to do the same for you.

    • Crashinginslowmo's assumption regarding affection referring to sex is not necessarily correct. I know what a lack of affection feels like. It's not just about sex. It's about affectionate words, caresses, an affectionate kiss etc. to be deprived of such affection over a long period leads to misery.

  2. Salam,

    Please see a marriage counselor. You two are fighting over "languages of love". She shows love by what she does for you and you show love by touch and by words. There are people that work like crazy for the one they love but don't spend much time with them. And others that do nothing for the one the love but keep touching and saying it. Hopefully your marriage can be saved through counseling.

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