Married and very unhappy
Asalam waleikum
First time on here so please bear with me. I have been married for 7 years now have 2 children aged 2 and 4. It was an arranged marriage but since day 1 I have not been happy. I don't love my husband and don't think I ever will. He is from pakistan and I am from UK.
At start of marriage we has problems for about a year and a half in which he never used to make an effort with me or talk to me and I didn't love him so neither would I.
My reasons were he used to force himself on me. I would take sleeping tablets at night and wake up to find him on top of me or fingering me and it would really frighten me and I would push him away.
He used to tell everyone lies about me and everyone would believe him even my own family and blame me for all that is wrong.
I took control and tried working at the marriage and Masha'Allah things did get better between us but I have never been happy or never have been able to love him. He is a lovely husband but I am just not happy with him.
Truth is we don't have anything in common we just have nothing to talk about. I have tried being a good wife I cook clean everything. Try going out once in a while for a meal having some family time but we just don't have anything to say to each other. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall he just don't listen it goes in 1 ear out da other.
I have been honest with him and told him a couple of weeks ago that I don't love him and hate having sex with him and think we should separate so that he could carry on with his life Insha'Allah get married again and find someone who will love him but he said he doesn't want to separate and is fine with things the way they are and we don't need to have sex.
Reason I want to separate is because I think that he deserves someone better someone that can love him which I just can't. I've never been happy but still did what a wife should do and did have sex when he wanted it but I just can't bring myself to doing that anymore. I just end up in tears and feeling disgusted with myself I just can't bear him touching me anymore.
Even though he said he is fine with things the way they are I can tell he isn't and at times he does make remarks and comments to tell me he wants sex and the very thought of that scares the life out of me.
I just can't bring myself to do it anymore and I can't talk to my family about this because my husband is an angel according to them. They think anything that goes wrong is my fault. You see, whenever we have had arguments or anything and my parents or family have found out he always acts so decent in front of them and they blame me for everything. He even hit me - just the once - when I was pregnant with our 2nd child but family blamed me for that too.
I know we have kids but this aint a good environment for them is it? Even if we do separate I will never stop him from seeing the kids or anything they're his kids he can see them everyday if he wants that aint a problem but I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't live like this anymore. Please help.
muslimsis87
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Salaam sister
I been in the same boat as yours I have a son whose 15 months I been married for 6 years and it was arranged marriage I also posted my question its the same As yours your story and mine are completely the same my husband is also from pakistan and I'm jn usa please do keep in touch if you want to talk I can always talk to you and see if we can help each other that would be awesome !!!!
Thanks sister hope u r ok now
Assalamualaikum sisters,
I pray that Allah, the almighty heal us, bless us all. I am in similar situation except that I am a male. Prayed a lot for good marriage, Alhamdullilah also achieved it. I do not do Shirk, Alhamdullilah, no Kufr, No biddah. Me and my wife. Used to take my wife out for Islamic classes, teach her about Tawheed, Hadees, prayed a great deal in mosque during ramadan, we both of us. Used to bake cakes for my wife, make juices and desserts for her. Hence I feel Shaytan was disappointed and played a game. Slowly we both gave excuses and started to find faults in each other, today its been 2 days short of 4 months that my wife walked out of my house and my marriage.
Al-Tirmidhi (1187) narrated that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce without a reason, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.” This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.
Remember the Hadees, when the prophet said if it was permissible to prostrate in front of a human he would ask wife to prostrate in front of husband.
Abu Hurayrah said: The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “If a woman stays away from her husband’s bed, the angels will curse her until she comes back.”Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4795.
Do a lot of istigfar, we never know which action of ours has made Allah angry and this might be our condition.
Surah Al baqarah, chapter 2: "Seek with patience and with prayer"
You should talk to your family, tell them how you feel, they need to know and can support you. If you was my daughter I would want to know and help you. You shouldn't be dealing with this on your own. Your not alone you have your children and they need you. If you strongly feel this is it then divorce and move on. I however think what your husband did was wrong but part of being married is having sex as well BUT not forcing someone. Also I do think it might be better for you to see a professional counsellor and get to the bottom why you feel the way you do. Some may say or be harsh to you that you have a good husband etc BUT you have to do whats best for you. May Allah may it easy and give you sabr inshAllah.
Thankyou all for your comments. Very much appreciated. I do feel I need some support and guidance from the elders in my family but who to turn to I just don't know. I can't talk to my mum as my husband is her nephew and anything that goes wrong she automatically blames me even if I'm not at fault. I can't talk to my elder sister as she is married to my husbands elder brother and if I talk to her she will end up telling everyone so all I have left is dad but how can I tell dad all this. I love him to bits always been a daddy's girl but I can't hurt him and I know this will upset him. 1 of my sisters is divorced and getting married again soon and 1 ran away with her boyfriend. she really hurt my parents so I can't hurt them 2. The only person I could've talked to was my dad's sister who was a mum to me 2 but she passed away a couple of years ago so I can't ask for her guidance. I don't know who to talk to who to ask for advice. My best friend said something to me a couple of weeks which just really hit me hard because it's true. She said "your so busy trying to keep everyone around you happy but your not happy yourself so start putting yourself first" I no she's right but I ain't selfish I can't just think of myself I don't want to hurt anyone but I want 2 be happy 2. I don't know what to do. Husband is lovely but he is sneaky he behaves different with me and different in front of my family. At times when j ask him something he says who am I to ask him anything. The way he behaves at times is like as a wife I have to do as he says don't ask questions don't say anything. He is a nice guy and I'm sure some girl will love him for being him but that's not me I just don't love him I feel no attraction towards him at all. I don't know what to do really don't know.
@muslimsis87 I know how you feel trust me BUT you do have to do whats best for you. When people marry in the family it does create problems depends on kismet I guess. I also have a friend who is in the same position as you ups and down all the time because the man is her mums only nephew left and she always gets the blames etc. BUT at the end of the day you need to tell both your parents best to face up to reality even if it will hurt them. Better than being really unhappy. What we want and get or we think in life never happens its hard but only you can make this better. May Allah help you I do feel you please forgive me if I have been harsh but stories like this have been common and unfortunately with arrange marriages children need to speak up instead of making there parents happy and live a really regrettable life. Times have changed and people have a right to choose their own happiness and live in peace. No doubt your a good person and I am sure your parents will want to hear this. I really hope your parents support you inshAllah.
Dear Sister,
I am sorry for your suffering. This is why divorce is allowed or khula. If you feel ill by your husband and can not stand sexual relations you should not be forced. This is not what marriage is in Islam. Marriage is about harmony between spouses,honesty , love and communication. Your husband has no right to force sex on you and you have rights as well. Islam is about justice,kindness and love not just obeying a husband. A wife needs to feel love and respect from her husband and the only one that we must be a servant to is Allah.
This is the problem with arranged marriage when parents do not consider the feelings of their daughters and if the two spouses are right and good for each other. Sister you have a right to some peace of mind and happiness. You do not have to live like this and you have the right to ask for divorce and leave him if your disgusted by him.
Women need a better education so as to take good care of ourselves and protect ourselves. You are an amana to Allah and also must take good care of your children and your self. No husband has the right to force himself on his wife and if she is not attracted to him she has the right to leave and be get divorced.
You are in the Uk so you do not have to stay with your husband if you are disgusted. You are have rights to freedom from him and so you are safer then if you were in Pakistan. Do not live like this any longer for your sanity and the wellbeing of your children. Pray to Allah and take steps for a better life free of this misery. We need to pray but we also must take the steps in action to do something and find the solution to our problems. Oppression is not allowed in Islam and that includes oppression by a husband.
this a very common issue specially with punjabi families living in U.K. spent good 4 years in u.k for my bachelors and it disgusts me how parents wed their children born n brought up in U.K with children of their siblings living in some village in Pakistan. and in most cases husband cant even speak english while the wife has to communicate on his behalf. not that any of them is underserving but it is unjust for both the partners to be forced in such a marriage where the brides father feel they have a life time servant to look after their work n home while the grooms only incentive is U.K citizenship and life time employment.
Good observation and very well put hd1080. But i think your friend is right and i think one of your sister that ran away is smart. She thought about herself. Make the decision and leave and don't think much about after. Your parents will soon come to terms with your decision. Now remember you need to tell them your decision and not ask for advice or permission. Once you achieve that the rest will be easy.
Once again thankyou all for your advice. I would like to point out that this was an arranged marriage but I was not forced into it. It's just how it goes in my family that the parents find the guy and u get married and I had no problem with that but ever since I got married I have not been happy. I don't love my husband and don't think I ever will either. I have to be honest he is a lovely husband but I just can't bring myself to love him. I have tried to its been 7 years now but I haven't been able to love him. He deserves someone better someone who will love him and be happy with him and that's not me. Ye he used to force himself on me but that was at the start of the marriage he doesn't force me now. We have sex every couple of months now but I hate doing it and only do it because it's my duty and I should be doing it with him. The only thing is that when we do it I hate it and have to hold myself from pushing him off me. I let him do what his gotta do but when I tell him to stop he doesn't until his ready to stop which scares me a lot because it's hard for me to let him do it in the first place. Afterwards I end up in the bathroom crying because I hate myself for it. He deserves better much better. He is a good husband very nice infact but he just doesn't seem to make an effort with me or talk to me. I'm always the one trying to talk to him just so that we have something to say to each other. A couple of days after I wrote this original post me and hubby had an argument in which we agreed to separate by the end of this year. The end of the year because we have some things to sort out and my sister is getting married in august so we don't wana tell everyone and spoil her wedding. I was so relieved about this I started planning for my future without him like how I will cope what I will do how I will manage to look after the kids and jib and everything. I was actually looking forward to it. But then a couple of days after the argument husband said we're not going to separate and he said everything in anger and I told him that I was serious about it but he didn't listen he just said we will talk about it properly but never does. His always coming back late from work so I never get the chance to talk to him about it. I am just so confused. On one hand I think we should separate it's for the best but then on the other hand I think if we do separate then where will hubby live who will cook n clean for him etc. His a nice guy jus has his bad parts like I have mine. I just don't love him and I know I have failed as a wife. I haven't been a good wife he deserves someone better someone who will love him. I just pray to Allah to show me the way and guide me. Once again thank you all for your comments. May Allah bless you all with happiness. Ameen.
Muslimsis87: I don't love my husband and don't think I ever will either. I have to be honest he is a lovely husband but I just can't bring myself to love him. I have tried to its been 7 years now but I haven't been able to love him. He deserves someone better someone who will love him and be happy with him and that's not me.
What will you do differently in case you were in love with your husband? What is the main reason that blocks feelings of love between you and your husband?
You did not like him from day one. Did you meet other men during the period between engagement and marriage?
Have you been or in love with some other man?
You say "We have sex every couple of months now but I hate doing it and only do it because it's my duty and I should be doing it with him. The only thing is that when we do it I hate it and have to hold myself from pushing him off me. I let him do what his gotta do but when I tell him to stop he doesn't until his ready to stop which scares me a lot because it's hard for me to let him do it in the first place. Afterwards I end up in the bathroom crying because I hate myself for it. "
You end up crying and hating yourself after you have sex with your husband. I am curious to know if you were sexually abused by an adult man when you were young.
Do you plan to get married after you leave your husband?
Do you think when 2 people who love each other they keep loving each other for ever. According to what I see on the blogs here, many lovers even don't get married.
I feel love is intense among couples who are not married. Love goes out of the window after few days, months or years.
What does love means to you?
I wish you find a solution that will bring joy into your life.
I think the main reason for me not loving him is because even though he can be a good husband he is very 2 faced. I think what has hurt me most is when he hit me when I was pregnant with our 2nd child and then called my family over and blamed it all on ne when I didn't do anything. He just sat there so decently in front of them like I was torturing him or something and I'm a bad wife. He got my parents to tell me off and not once did anyone say anything to him about hitting me. After they left he was so smug and pleased with himself and when I asked him how could he do that he said do u want me to call them back there not gona listen to you. Ever since then I have not been able to accept him because now whenever there is a problem my mum automatically blames me she doesn't even hear me out. I know I say he is a good husband but that is in terms of looking after us financially and if I want something or need something he tries to give it but he doesn't spend time with me or the kids unless I repeatedly ask him 2 and he doesn't make an effort to talk to me I always try to talk to him and when I do he doesn't listen his either busy with his phone or watching TV. Right now I'm living as if I am a single mother because his never there and when he is its like he isn't so it doesn't make much difference. I am seriously considering separating now. I don't know about marrying again yet. If I'm destined to remarry then so be it but my focus for now would be my kids and there happiness.
I think the main reason for me not loving him is because even though he can be a good husband he is very 2 faced. I think what has hurt me most is when he hit me when I was pregnant with our 2nd child and then called my family over and blamed it all on ne when I didn’t do anything. He just sat there so decently in front of them like I was torturing him or something and I’m a bad wife. He got my parents to tell me off and not once did anyone say anything to him about hitting me. After they left he was so smug and pleased with himself and when I asked him how could he do that he said do u want me to call them back there not gona listen to you. Ever since then I have not been able to accept him because now whenever there is a problem my mum automatically blames me she doesn’t even hear me out. I know I say he is a good husband but that is in terms of looking after us financially and if I want something or need something he tries to give it but he doesn’t spend time with me or the kids unless I repeatedly ask him 2 and he doesn’t make an effort to talk to me I always try to talk to him and when I do he doesn’t listen his either busy with his phone or watching TV. Right now I’m living as if I am a single mother because his never there and when he is its like he isn’t so it doesn’t make much difference. I am seriously considering separating now. I don’t know about marrying again yet. If I’m destined to remarry then so be it but my focus for now would be my kids and there happiness.
Muslimsis87: I am seriously considering separating now. I don’t know about marrying again yet. If I’m destined to remarry then so be it but my focus for now would be my kids and there happiness.
Well you are like a seperated wife now. You occasionally have sex and get financial needs met.
Who is going to support you financially if you seperate? Are your parents going to help?
Just imagine how your life would have been if your mom had left your dad when you were a kid?
Please keep in mind your seperation will effect your kids throughout their whole lives.
Don't wait for seperation, start focusing on your kids and their happiness from now onward?
I am always focusing on my kids they are my priority which is why I am not being hasty in decision making. If we do separate I will be supporting myself and my kids, im very capable of doing so. Yes I am living like a separated wife now but I'm still married and still have responsibilities to my husband. I don't love him and I don't feel it's right for him. Through separation he can Insha'Allah move on in his life and find someone better suited for him. Yes it will affect the kids but isn't it better to have 2 parents who are separated but still love u and care for you happily rather than 2 parents who are miserable together but only together for your sake. I may sound ungrateful or whatever but my feelings also matter in this relationship and I don't want to be in a relationship where I know there is no love and where I know my husband deserves better.
As-salamu alaykum. I have not read through all the other comments - just the first few - but I'll share my opinion. I think discusssion of divorce is premature, especially since you have children together.
Obviously hitting is not acceptable. However you mentioned that it only happened once and was not repeated. Aside from that, your husband doesn't sound like a bad guy. It's not uncommon for one partner to wake up at night and try to initiate sexual contact by fondling their spouse. Even women do this sometimes. Since it bothers you, just tell your husband to wake you up first and ask.
I think the underlying problem is your abhorrence toward sexual contact. You mention that you feel disgusted with yourself after sex. That doesn't make sense. You need to see a therapist who can help you get to the roots of your disgust toward sex, and maybe develop a healthier attitude toward your physical needs, and your husband's.
The two of you should also see a counselor together. The counselor can help you learn how to communicate. How to talk to each other, how to listen, how to be sensitive to each other's needs, etc. We tend to think that all married couples should just know how to do these things, but many do not. They are skills that can be learned, however.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thankyou for your reply. The main problem I have is that I don't love him I feel no attraction towards him what so ever which is why I am so unhappy in this marriage. Sex I do not like having because I want to be able to enjoy myself to with someone I have feelings for not just do it because I have to. This is the reason I feel so disgusted because I'm doing it for the sake of doing it because I have to. Is it so wrong to want to be with someone I can love or my husband be with someone who will love him? It's not as thou I haven't tried of course I've tried I've been trying for 7 years but still don't love him or having any attraction towards him.
Salaam sister how did things go I'm not the same boat right now