Married but can’t forget my boyfriend
As salaamu alaikum..
Pleaseeee Helpp me!!
I'm a 23 year old girl from Qatar, married from past 3 months. I'm facing the most vulnerable days of my life.
My issue is i couldn't marry the person whom I had an affair with before my marriage.. I love him unconditionally and so does he..
I don't love my husband though he is a nice man and loves me a lot.. I'm unable to do justice to anyone.. my husband, my boyfriend and myself. I tried my best to move on but failed each time.
My husband is aware about my past relation with him. he gave me a choice to leave him but I couldn't do dat. At dat time i thought dat i couldnt be so selfish.. but somewhere i killed my feelings and now I'm unable to live without him. I'm lifeless without him i cant concentrate on anything, I cant sleep, cant eat, dont feel like living anymore. I get strong urges to end my life but suicide is haram.
My in laws are quiet weird and orthodox they abuse each other and keep on fighting for no reason.. this is what irritates me even more & i dont wish to live wid them anymore.
- adiba
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Mashallah sister Allah has given you everything. He is testing you by giving and say alhumdulillah and try to make your life beautiful and you will be happy ever, before you start testing with hardship with losing. Because within a blink of an eye he can change people states to opposite.
OP: My in laws are quiet weird and orthodox they abuse each other and keep on fighting for no reason.. this is what irritates me even more & i dont wish to live wid them anymore.....I'm lifeless without him i cant concentrate on anything, I cant sleep, cant eat, dont feel like living anymore. I get strong urges to end my life but suicide is haram.
You are very modern and unorthodox, you are just lifeless and can't sleep, can't eat. don't feel living any more because of your desire for your ex-boy friend. Why did not you marry your b/f? What you see as "unconditional love" is hormones rush and lust. You want to be in arms of your lover. How did you meet your b/f?
Salaam sister I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I am probably going to sound blunt but you had a choice before marriage, to choose your ex and marry him instead of your husband. Whatever your circumstances were at the end of the day you chose to marry your husband. You made a commitment to him in the name of God. You need to take it seriously.
The Devil loves to break a marriage. All these thoughts your having of your ex are coming from the devil. It's his little trick to ruin your marriage and turn you towards the wrong path.
I can understand how difficult it must have been to end your relationship with your ex. But ultimately that relationship had no basis, it was haraam, it wasn't recognised in the eyes of God. Your now married to your husband, he has a right over you and vice versa. He deserves your full attention, it's not fair on him that your focus is on your ex. He doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Your husband seems like an understanding man - he even gave you the option to leave him to marry your ex - most husbands would go mental if they knew you were interested in another man. You say he loves you. How lucky is that. Read all the problems people are having in their marriages. Understand how blessed you are to have a loving kind husband. Don't throw that away.
Your ex is the past. Your married now, accept it. Give your marriage your full dedication and commitment. Try to make it work and forget about your ex. I'm not sure if your in contact with your ex but if you are then stop! Delete and block his number. Try your very best to move on from him.
Direct all of that energy towards your husband. Start building a bond with him. Develop your love for him. The more time and effort you spend with your husband, soon enough you will forget your ex and develop an attachment towards your husband.
Anyway this is just my opinion. Obviously if despite pure hearted attempts at saving your marriage your still struggling then don't waste yours or your husbands time. Accept his offer to leave him and marry whoever you wish so that your husband can move on and find himself someone who cares and loves him the way a wife should and you can have your freedom to do as you wish. Also if your struggling to live with in laws then perhaps discuss with our husband to have a separate home.
I pray Allah swt guides you to make the right decision.
Asalam Alaikum! Am cery impressed of ur reply. I have got the same problem. I was in a relationship since 4 years but all of a sudden in jan i got engaged to my cousin, though i resisted but cox of father's wish i had to accept it. and in our engagmnt we had nikkah inshaAllah after this Eid we ll have rukhsati but still i cant forget my past n day by day m getting more depressed. my fiance talks to me i dint feel like talking to him, he gets a bit romantic i gets irritated. my fiance is mashaAllah a very good person so as my laws as they loved me since childhood. the problem is both names are same my ex n my fiance n luckily both are Drs n above all one is frm my maternals n other frm paternals. as we r not much in touch with maternals so i wont hav tht much interaction with ex. n abovd all both sistrs are my best frnds
Guyyysss please help me out!! I cant get out of this situation though i prays to Almoghty to make me forget past but i cant. n daily i cries only tht what will i do after marriage? I feel
like after marriage lookin at my husbnd i ll only cry i ll only recall my ex. n yup m still in contact with my ex n givn him
ideas how to move on n have almost made his mind for marriage wth sneone else. But guyss i compare!!!! i compare my husband n my ex points together n says i used to b so frank with my ex comparatively to husband n all stupid talks comes in mind. in start of my engagmnt i used to think to do suicide bt as its haram i used to stop n my ex supported me alot to move on. but i cant forget
Wa alaykum assalam,
why did you marry your husband if you wanted to be with you boyfriend??? You Shouldn't have married him if you wanted to be in a haram rearelationship with your ex.
Well you are married now and as you said, your husband is a nice man and loves you a lot!! So don't be ungrateful, you chose to marry him so try your best to make your marriage work. Forget about your ex and stop thinking what if. Move on.A lot of women write here everyday how their husbands treats them badly and how they wish to have a nice husband. You got one, so forget about your ex, haram relationships dont ever end with happy endings anyway.
"I'm unable to do justice to anyone.. my husband, my boyfriend and myself."
Sister, there is no more boyfriend! That is the past. It is over. You must accept that and stop thinking about that past relationship. And I certainly hope that you have no contact with that many anymore! Do not destroy your marriage and your life for a fantasy from the past that isn't even real.
Your husband sounds like a kind and patient man. You need to take the feelings you have for that past boyfriend, and transfer them to your husband. If you do not love him, just act like you do, and Insha'Allah the feelings will grow in time.
The in-laws problem is separate. If your husband an afford to get a separate home for you and him, then ask him to do so. If not, then be patient until it becomes possible, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister ,
You are living in false imagination about your past boyfriend ..As suggested by others too it should stop now .
If you don't change your behavior now it will be a big blow to your married life and also for you mentally .
I don't think your husband will tolerate your behavior for long time ..
I agree with everyone's advises above masAllah
I honestly think your HUSBAND IS REALLY A GOOD PATIENT EXCEPTING MAN. You shouldn't look back it was haraam realtionship why would you want that back when Allah gave you such a beuifual man with a nice marriage most people would count their blessings.
This is a marriage take it seriously because good people are rare and your really lucky to have your husband appreciate him. No one said marriage would be easy but you need to have respect/izzat and love your husband back too. I wish there were many more men like this who excepted you for your past hes got a big heart. Don't disrespect him forget the past and look to the future.
I really hope inshAllah Allah makes you see things clearer and you CUT ALL CONTACT FROM THE PAST AND MOVE FORWARD IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
This is unacceptable behavior and haraam .
Dear Sister
Life is a test and it tests your skills by giving you different jobs.
Marriage is a love job and like other jobs it cannot be always chosen freely but some-times forced by circumstances.
If you and your ex-boyfriend did not commit any physical haraam act then congrats that you have passed the test. No needs to regret.
Now we come to your current test. You appear to unable to develop the same feelings towards your husband as they were with your boyfriend. It is just like a patient's body rejecting a transplanted organ. You appear not to love your husband with the same intensity and freedom as with your ex. But you can develop understanding, attraction and affection by making efforts and it is all that needed in a successful marriage.
If you and your ex love each other unconditionally, then the purity of that love demands not to turn your husband's life hell.
May Allah helps you by passing this test. Because if you do then who knows Allah may reunite with your true and unconditional love in heaven.
Why you are spoiling your husband's life? .If you can't be a good wife better take divorce and let him be in peace .