Want to get married to a girl, but my parents strongly dislike her without a valid reason
As Salaamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi Barakatuhu,
InshaAllah everyone here is well and living a good life dedicated to islam. I am having some problems regarding a potential marriage and need some advice from those with more knowledge about such things than I posses.
I have been seeing a girl for about a year now. I never liked the concept of a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship, since that does not exist in islam, but for the last year, that is exactly what i've had with her. She wants to get married, and so do I, so I told my parents about my feelings towards her and that I want to marry her within the next year. Her mom (her father passed away a few years ago) is very happy with me and likes me as a potential husband for her. From her side of the family, I have the green light.
The problem is that my parents hate (yes, strongly dislike + hate) this girl and the idea of me marrying so 'young'. To them, at 24 I am not ready to get married. I see their point - I am just working on getting into my career, a stable job, etc. However, i have the following issues with how they are justifying their feelings towards her:
1) I am not asking for something wrong. I like this girl, I think she is a good person, and want to make it legal with her so we can inshaAllah start a family with kids in a couple of year.
2) I am not asking to marry her tomorrow. I am asking to marry her in a year or year and a half time. That gives me enough time to make progress with my career/job situation, inshaAllah.
3) My parents reason for not liking her include her height (she is short), her looks (she is not as pretty as some other girls my parents have seen, according to them), and her attitude, although they have only ever seen her for maybe 5-10mins maximum. My dad specially, only said hi to her one time when I had a lot of friends over at my house for a lunch/dinner party.
I am having difficulty figuring out how to convince my parents that I am not being brainwashed, since their reasons do not seem valid to me. My dad said that if i want to go ahead with this, then i am on my own (i.e. leave the house, and live on my own with the girl, etc). I feel like they are cutting ties with me because of baseless reasons. My mother's biggest reason for opposing this is that she isnt the right person for me and that i am too young, she isnt pretty, etc. Basically, they are looking at her physical appearance, and not her character.
I would understand their point of view, but they aren't even listening to me when i tell them about her good qualities and why i think she is a good girl to marry.
I love my parents, but they have not been practicing islam for a long time now, and I feel like if they were practicing, they would understand that I would rather get married now, than wait till I am 27/28 (their ideal age for me. Both me and the girl are 24 at the moment), and commit zina and other sins in this time. I have made this clear to them, but they don't listen.
I looked up the islamic rulings, and most places have stated that as long as the girl's wali (guardian, male) gives permission, then I can go ahead with my choice even if my parents disagree, but I would like to be sure of this. I believe strongly that if I am doing the right thing witihn the islamic laws, then even if my parents are against it for their reasons of wanting a taller, prettier girl, I am doing the right thing. I don't want t leave my parents, since I know I want to support them. She also wants to stay in my family and be happy with my parents. My parents are just adamant about it all.
Please give me some advice where you can. I would really appreciate some other points of views than mine on this topic.
JazakAllah.
-mindandsoul
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Salaams
Firstly 24yrs old is not young in fact its a mature age. Your parents only dislike your woman because you chose your partner. What parents say are right but sometimes can get it wrong. I honestly think you should marry her and make your own choices. Parents aren't always going to pick the pieces up for you and at the end do you want to leave someone you love then marry someone for marriage inconvenience. Not all arrange marriages work and my point is are you going to be happy clearly not, so to avoid committing zina, marry her don't wait because waiting does nothing except regrets that I have. As for your career will pick up and you will be a success. I wish you the best and hope you follow your heart in what you want inshallah
One more thing i forgot to mentioned i rather marry someone who wasn't pretty than marry someone who didn't have the loveliest heart. I don't believe in looks its the heart that counts for your parents to even say that and many people i come across im sorry are very shallow I bet their not models either.
Brother,
Youfr respected parents prefers you to 'commit zina and other sins' than to have it all halal. Their preference is dragging you towards hell. Safeguard your hereafter.
🙂 And, if the sister that you like is pious, have good akhlaq, is compatible to you and brings cheerful smile on your face, then I say, say 'bismillah' and marry her, inshaAllah soon 🙂
See if you can get support from your extended families (uncles, aunties, cousins, grandma, grandad) and if you don't and if their reasons are as invalid as your parents then I still say go ahead and marry her because you have got the sister's wali's blessings and her blessings, will inshaAllah be comforting to you.
May Allah (swt) make this easy for you.
Brother, Asalaamualaykum,
Alhumdulillah you want to get a married and this is a good thing! You are right, a man does not require the permission of his parents to get married, although a woman does. Despite your rights, I would not recommend you marrying without the 'blessings and permission' of your parents, without having tried your utmost level best to convince them positively in your favour. Try to convince them by asking family members, good friends and a respected Imam to speak to them. And of course inject into all this 'the weapon of the believer' - what is this weapon? 'Dua' - as everything happens with the will of Allah. So try all avenues, but if all fails and you feel you may fall into zina, then you do have the option of marrying without your father's permission (but the girl's Wali/Father must be involved).
Ideally, it would be nice for your parents to help you in this situaton and support you to prevent you falling into zina and the likes, even to the extent of supporting you financially - but if they refuse to do so, which looks highly likely, then it is your responsibility to support your wife financially and it is also your responsibility to refrain from zina and from other unlawful relations.
So brother - I recommend you both to do the following:
1. Stop the unlawful relations and do tawbah immediately
2. You have already decided that you wish to marry one another, so do Istikhara and make extensive dua
3. Ask family, friends and an Imam to help you convince your parents positively
4. If all fails and you fear falling into zina, but can support a wife financially, then consider marrying - with or without parental permission (but with girl's wali fully involved).
And always remember Allah(swt). Fear Him and know that He tests us all and that our final destination is to Him Alone. So this is a test of your patience and of fighting against your physical desires in order to please Allah, your ability to maintain good relations with your kith and kin in times of dispute and of striking a balance. It is your internal struggle, your jihaad. May Allah make you successful in your struggle, aameen!
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam brother, im 16 and i liked y cousin (in islam its allowed to marry cousins) and i told my mum she told my dad and his parents liked me aswell (his parents meaning my kala/aunty and we got engaged, basically i live in london and he lives in pakistan i went their first time and he caught my eye my mum noticed i liked him and his family likd me to therefore they got us engaged and inshallah we will marry in a mature age and due my studys, now onto your point... YOUR PARENTS HAVE ALL THEIR RIGHTS ON YOU. BUT they should not have to force you to marry someone you know you arent gonna be happy with.
i mean, you get married to a woman, she loves you, but unfortunetly you arent going to be able to give her love back because you love another woman. explain to your parents that if the lady you marry finds out, how upset will she be and how hurtfull would it be for her when you wont be able to give her the love shes expecting from you.
good luck brother inshallah, bye
good luck :p