Not liking myself after complicated relationship
Assalam walaekum,
Hi, I am a 20 year old muslim girl. I am going through a very rough phase in my life. I am in a relationship with a muslim boy of the same age. He is my neighbour. It's been nine months that we have been together. We became very good friends first and then came into a relationship.
After a few days his ex (this was his second relationship) started threatening suicide, as I was terrified and suggested him to leave me. But he was adamant to be with me and said everything will get fine with time. I made zina with him for which we both have made tawbah. Still his ex is there and she has blackmailed him many times and even took control of his bhaiya and bhabi.
Now he doesn't talk to me much, actually it's negligible and says that "jis taraf km gunaah hoga us taraf jaunga". His ex doesn't know that he is in any kind of relationship with me. He says I am not able to understand his state but as this was my second relationship too, he knew from what I went through and promised me not to do the same.
I feel very helpless. I know I have made enormous mistakes in my life. I pray in salah if Allah could forgive me and him too. I am different now, I don't talk much, I keep silent, I try to recover but I'm not able to. I'm indulging myself into namaz and Allah. I have lost my own respect in my eyes, and I am very guilty. I thought of this relation to be for a lifetime, and that was a reason that I made zina. I find myself alone from all and losing myself with each day. I am not understanding what should I do?
-aasma
15 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
(Editor's note: I removed this ridiculous comment. Let's focus on the poster's situation and question, please. - IslamicAnswerse.com Editor)
You need to totally forget about this guy and repent for your sin. Don't feel bad that you lost him, feel good that you have been saved from him. Do you really want his mentally disturbed ex-girlfriend to be part of your life? Do you really want a guy who's willing to sleep with you before marriage, then stop talking to you? Just acknowledge that what you did was wrong, and don't do it again. And I would advice you that you, in the future, think about the consequences of your actions before you act. You should have thought about what happens after you ahve sex before marriage. You should ahve considered the possibility of this guy dumping you, unwanted pregnancy, diseases...sex is not a game, sister.
I know Mohammed's comment was completely ridiculous and somewhat offensive... but I say you should have left it posted... if ANYTHING, at least it serves as an example of a first-hand account of how some guys can be manipulative and disrespectful. So let the women read his comment.... it will help them recognize that there are men who unfortunately do know that they are playing games, and will remind women not to be as naive. The world is filled with both the good and bad... sometimes its good to show both.
The problem was that people were responding to Mohammed's provocative comment, and not to the original poster.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i agree. it was really good to see it coming from the horses mouth.
may be it will help some women from being made a fool.
Asmaa we all make mistakes Allah will forgive you. You showed you really regret it
Salam sister,
I suggest that you make tabuah by asking forgiveness from Allah and staying away from haram. ( including contacting him)
May Allah forgive you and All of us.
It is good you have seen your errors and took time to share your experience with us. That in its self shows you have a good heart and full of remorse. As we are all children of Adam (pbuh) we continue to make mistakes on this earth and learning from them will be the path to righteousness (inshAllah).
Men in general are weak and it is up to you as a female to respect yourself and not give into temptation.
I read on this forum about women who get pregnant outside wedlock these girls clearly did not learn and now allah's curse is not only on them but on their future generations. Consider yourself very lucky you are not in the same boat.
May Allah guide you and DO NOT EVER CONTACT THAT SCUMBAG EVER AGAIN you are soooo much better than his image of you.
Peace!!
Asma dear I know you already regret what you have done but its never too late to repent yourself just keep making dua and do tawbah and astagfar and don't hit yourself to hard for your mistakes because at the end of the day nobody is perfect we all have flaws out there but we make upto them by regretting and asking for forgiveness and at the end of the day Allah swt is most forgiving of them all in shaa allah as soon as you start to repent you will soon feel a weight lifted off from you.
May allah swt guide you to the right path sister in shaa allah ameen .
I agree with Budbud and Kay786.
Sister, let me first point out how lucky you are.
1. You did not get pregnant.
2. You did not get any STI or STD.
3. Allah kept this major sin of yours secret.
4. Allah sent away this bad guy from your life.
And now let me tell you how you feel. You feel helpless. You are ashamed. You are guilty. You are torn. And maybe you feel like that it's the end of the world. Maybe you feel like you can not recover from a sin like this. You never imagine to carry a weight like this on your heart- and how it burns your soul like it was treated with acid.
But did you know, hopelessness in Allah's forgiveness is a sin itself? (Forgive me if this is wrong information! But this is what I've read somewhere!). So-" I'm indulging myself into namaz and Allah." IS a good way to start recovering.
So now you have a reason to smile, you are getting right back on track.
Another reason for you to smile is that, you HAVE THESE FEELINGS IN YOUR HEART.Can you imagine not feeling this guilt? Not being able to come back to Allah. I don't know what dear Mohammed wrote, but from the comments of others, it looks like he did not develop any remorse for his wrong doings!
You know sister, I'd rather live with the weight of my guilt than the arrogance of a sinner. Because it makes you want to become, as a person, as human and as a Muslim.
The 3rd reason for you to smile is that, Allah is guiding you. Do you know that there is not a person, who comes back to praying to Allah after committing a sin without Allah's permission? If Allah didn't wish, you wouldn't even be feeling this regret inside you.
"jis taraf km gunaah hoga us taraf jaunga". - This statement shows how weak character that guy-whom-you've-been-seeing has. I believe this translate into 'In which ever way there is less sin, I shall go that way?' Is sin a red carpet that is laid down infront of you? And then you decide which is a lighter shade of red and walk on that particular carpet. It is this sins a person makes. And it is the same sin he, if only Allah wishes, repents for. Now if I was in your place, this statement should've been enough for me to make me 'get-over-him' and give me more the reasons to love Allah.
Now sister, your direct question 'what should you do?'
1. ASAP repent. There's a whole section, dedicated in this website, do deal with a grave sin as Zina. Read that out! There are conditions to repent- I'm not writing those here- find those out.
2. Isn't this Ramadan time? You are in good luck! Pray tarabi/tarawi. It's the perfect time to search for Allah's Mercy, Love, Protection and Guidance.
(This is the soul healing steps).
3. STAPH talking to that idiot. You say he doesn't talk much and it's negligible. That's good. Do not talk to him. Do no contact him. Do not communicate with him. I understand that he is your neighbour- so you WILL see him around. BUT keep all sort of interaction null.
^ That is the physically-what-action-you-can-take.
Lastly I'd like to end with a note, you say that : thought of this relation to be for a lifetime, and that was a reason that I made zina. Sister, that is NO reason to commit zina. How much is a lifetime? Is it possible that you die tomorrow? Of course it is! By this time you must have realized that why Allah has forbidden and blacklisted the sin of Zina as a MAJOR sin. It feeds on your soul, sucking the light out of it (at least that's the way I see it). Allah has forbidden this sin because it harms US and He loves us (that is also how I interpret it).
You are just 20 years old. Given that Allah gives you a good hayat, you have a lot of time in the future (even if you live upto 50, you have 30years ahead of you). So repent, take this opportunity to give your soul/imaan a makeover. Learn more about Islam. Try to come closer to Allah.
One last reminder: Everyone makes sin (small big known unknown). But Allah loves them, who repents. He forigves them (if He wishes) who repents. So repent. There's no alternative to this.
May Allah bless us all, guide us all and protect us from shaitaan.
I agree with the posts above. I would strongly suggest move out from the place you are living in or the area you are living in. Start fresh away from this man I know this hurts but Allah has saved you. Sometimes we go through these paths for a very good reason. May Allah inshAllah guide you ameen.
I hope this video on heart break will help you heal:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqrHtwb-v3Q
Salam sister
You must be going through a difficult time accepting the reality as you were blinded by the love of this guy, but Allah has saved you from greater sins,turmoil and self destruction! This guy Allah knows what his real intentions are but you have to focus on yourself. It will take time to heal from this nightmare, be easy on yourself, remember Allah is most merciful and forgiving, do tawbah, keep your mind and heart occupied in salah, Islamic lectured,zikr.whenever you think about him remember Allah removed him from your life for a reason, your given a chance to relive and ask forgiveness how lucky are you? Instead don't get tangled in your ex and his past, if he contacts you be strong enough not to go back! Inshallah everything will be ok! I've been in the same situation, my ex got married and didn't tell me! I was just like you exactly a year ago writing on this site lost/confused.. But alhumduliah I'm at my peak, I've found my love and that's for Allah, gained a new life, repenting, not in any stress or confusion because of a man! You'll find inner peace once you make peace and accept what's wrong for you is taken away and inshallah something better will come your way x
The Teenager - (as-salam-alaikum)i love you for your words...you inspired me a lot. i had words from you which i needed most to be heard.
i cant express my gratitude towards you. may allah subhana ta'ala forgive us all and our sins and may he guide us always to right path. ameen
please pray for me too apart from aasma, i am struggling to be on right path, to be closer to allah 9swt) and seeking forgiveness of allah and his mercy. since i cant share these tormented feelings and my ill past with anyone, i have been very guilty and lonely. i dont have islamic atmosphere as such around me, can say i am all alone but i am working now to improve myself sincerely from islamic point of view, trying to follow my dean. but i need duas and pryers from you all as since i have started this path, i am often troubled by shaitanic was wasas..so please do pray for me.
jazakallahu khairan.
Dear Sister/Brother,
I pray for every Muslim who is in need of Allah's forgiveness, guidance, protection and mercy.
There is this dua, that I keep for myself. It goes like:
Allahumma la sahla illa ma ja'altahu sahla, wa 'anta taj-alul hazna idha shi'ta sahla.
Meaning: O Allah! There is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make the difficult easy if it be Your Will.
Because you say " i am struggling to be on right path" this your dua now too.
Don't give up fighting back Shaitaan.
Take care and may Allah bless us all.