Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sexual health problem, can I ever get married?

Man filled with regret and remorseAlSalamoAlaikum everyone,

I am a male and I have genuine issues with my sexual health. I need some guidance.

I am under 30 years old. I have a permanent physical injury on my penis which has severely harmed my sexual health. There are symptoms of injury on my penis that I can see with my own eyes. I suffer from numbness in my penis and I don't get proper erections. Also my sexual drive is extremely diminished.

I have never been in a relationship and alhmdulillah never commited zina. I have consulted doctors, but no one gave me proper diagnosis. I am told that I will only know if there is an issue unless I am with a woman. I can't commit zina, and can't go for marriage knowing I have problems. So how do I know?

Before the injury, marriage was a big thing for me. I always aspired and dreamt about it. I wanted a loving and caring girl. I always wanted to get married and it shattered my heart that it seems highly unlikely.

But alhmdulillah, Allah has guided me and given me the strength in the face of adversity. Before, just the thought of having to stay single for the rest of my life would send me in deep trenches of depression and cripple me. But now, with my beloved Allah's help, I have learnt to become more accepting of this reality. I have understood that this life is temporary and a test. I have been guided to realize that every thing that is in this dunya is temporary and extremely finite, whereas the reward that is with Allah in the hereafter is unlimited and everlasting. Hence we seek that which is better.

Now I seek the reward of my ordeal from ALLAH in the hereafter. Whatever Allah does is in our benefit as he is al-hakeem. Nothing in this dunya is big enough or valuable enough, that if it is absent life won't go on. Life goes on. The only important thing is that you have Allah in your life.

-------------- Back to the problem 🙂 ---------------

Although my sexual drive is very diminished, I still end up falling into sin, very seldom though. Up until recently I had the problem of watching porn and masturbation. I am not an addict, but my frequency is that once a month I will end up watching haram stuff and masturbate. When I masturbate, the erection is very weak and as soon as I touch the penis I ejaculate (I would say under 5 seconds). Sometimes I dont even need to touch my penis, and just by watching porn ejaculation happens. I think I have premature ejaculation as well. I wanna quit this completely, because I know this is one sin that wipes out all good deeds. I only see marriage as the halal way.

Moreover, it feels very very lonely. I try to be strong and ask ALlah for strength but it hurts my heart a lot. All of my friends are married (بارک اللہ لھم), I am the only one left. I am content with my ALlah, but stopping my heart from hurting is not in my control. I always wanted a loving and caring wife. I always stayed away from girls kept my interactions with gher-mahram only for necessity. I just wanted a pious and loving wife, who would take care of me and I would take care of her. but all praise is due to ALlah alone, the all-Wise.

So I was wondering if there is any possibility for me to get married. Hence in this context I have the following questions (I would appreciate answers specially from sisters as well, as I have never been with a woman and have no clue how sex works for women except through porn which is mostly fake):

  1. I know the importance of sexual intimacy in a marriage. I have read tons of blogs where husbands are negligible of their wife's rights in terms of sexual intimacy. It is indeed the woman's right to experience fulfilling sexual intimacy. Allah has made us responsible to fulfil the rights of people and creation.

    Unfortunately, I am not capable of intercourse, i.e. penetration with penis into the vagina. Is it possible, despite this, for me to engage in sexual intimacy? Can I provide fulfilling intimacy to the woman without intercourse? Can I fulfil her desires by just using my hand/fingers to masturbate her? Or would giving oral pleasure be sufficient? Or is it really necessary to engage in intercourse, i.e. penetration, for the woman to be satisfied

  2. Secondly, I know women want children. My biology is not too good, but I know sexual intercourse, i.e. penetration, is necessary for pregnancy. But in that case, there are alternate procedures like IVF. Alternatively, I could marry a divorcee or a widow who already have children, so this children issue becomes irrelevant. Is there any advice for me on this issue?

May Allah reward all brothers and sisters who answer my questions and grant you all aafiya in this life and hereafter.

PS: I have read a lot of posts by various people on this website on a wide variety of topics. It really breaks my heart into pieces to read about their suffering. May Allah ease all the suffering, as he is al-Qadeer. My humble advice to all brothers and sisters in adversity is to please take this dunya for what it is. This life was created for test and hence adversity and pain is part of this life. This is not the place to fulfil our wishes, that is jannah. Trust me, ALlah will reward us in ways that are not quantifiable and a time will come when we will be chilling in jannah, reclining on our couches, with drinks in our hands. We won't even remember the troubles we faced in this life. 

Don't loose ALLAH. If we get all our wishes in dunya, or if we get nothing here, either ways ALLAH still deserves to be worshipped. He is still RABB, worshipping Him, loving Him, seeking His guidance and mercy is the purpose of our existence. Stay strong and don't loose hope in the relief of ALLAH. What is relief? A Problem is only a problem until we perceive it as a problem. Relief would mean, that either the problem goes away or even if the condition stays it doesn't bother you anymore. If u have hope in the relief, you will uncover a great strength within you that can conquer the mountains of the world. At one point I wanted to end my life, and today I write these lines to you. I think you get my point.

لا حول ولا قوۃ الا باللہ

- AK

Tagged as: , , , , , , ,

6 Responses »

  1. How did your problem start in the first place? Your problem may be psychological that is why doctors recommend sex with a woman. How did you injure your penis?

  2. Asalamualaykum Brother AK,

    I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering from a health-related or medical issue. That is so stressful, so please go easy on yourself. Remember that Allah wants ease for us and not hardship. Whenever the Prophet (SAW) had a choice between two options, he always chose the easier one for this reason.

    Please try to get yourself to a specialist doctor who can give you answers to some of your questions. We are not necessarily medically trained here.

    I think that you will be able to find a lady who who would be satisfied with oral sex. I am not an expert, I admit, but I am a woman, and if I loved someone, I would be ok with that.



    • Also brother, your idea to marry a divorced woman with kids already is such a great idea! I'm loving the creative thinking. There is always a solution to every problem, Subhannallah

  3. When you find the right person, I am sure she will accept you as you are (with your medical condition). And I think it is possible for you to find a (not married before) wife that does not think about having kids. Personally I do not think of having kids at all, so I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who are not planning on having kids. So don't worry, everything will turn out alright for you InshaAllah.

    • Aoa sister ,

      I respect your opinion about not having kids but as a muslim you should know that quran says that a muslim couple should have lots of kids , again i respect your opinion but you should not say it out publicly for other muslims to read it and it may induce in them.

      • There are many people that don’t have eager to get married. Or people who wants to get married don’t want to have kids. There is nothing wrong with stating that here. People will not be influenced. It’s personal choice but doesn’t mean that they are going against the Quran. Sister don’t mind, can you please tell me where it says to have lots of kids. I didn’t know that.

Leave a Response