Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married 6 years before I realized my husband is gay

broken marriage, broken egg, shattered

Broken marriage.

i am mrd fr 6 years now ,1 year before i realize that my husband is a gay. i was very god fearing girl i dont have lover before mrg. after i mard him i lost my all hapiiness some thing missing always in my life .he was n abroad he tried to intercourse with only 3 time s he did it with the help of capsules. i thought may be he have nerve pblm. he misunderstand me many ways i thought always i have pblm ,never give me love avoiding in me in bed always. he want a baby ie he mard me i hope so .

he calls me ones n a weak in abroad that also neva talk romnvce never ask kiss never look at me romantic always hurting making me fedup .after 3 years of struggle avoiding his family always scolded me for not having baby. no love from him or his family.

i was working away from my state alone 3 years no pblm 4th year i fell in love with my colleague. i dont have any intension to sex with him just need someones love thats it .2 years of our love we went his home after four play he tried to make sexual intercourse but i was not ready. but i am not sure maybe there was a little bit of penetration. will that consider for hudd punishment? little pain i think may be he tried to insert that may be because of that i have pain i dont no is did adultery or not its making me mad. i didnt get any happy and now i am culprit in front of allah too.

i started live with my hus n abroad that time i found he is a gay ie he avoid me not considering me. i frgv him i told to consult doctor he is not ready he will not live and will not allow me to live .so i desided to diovorce him. i advised did everything my best but he is not change.

if i live with him again i will go for another its happend again but only touching kissing no intercourse no oral sex nothing. i leave that guy .i wanted to marry again then only i can control my desires but i lost my all happiness i am living like dead body i didnt get romance but i am culprit now i dont know what to do .marriage brought me to hell ,will i go to hell everyone mard for good i mard for my bad.

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6 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum,
    Well how do you know that he's gay? You can't just assume his sexuality if he's hesitant to have intercourse with you. There could be so many reasons to this distance with you.

    Frankly, from what I see,you're destroying your own marriage. It's utterly wrong to blame your husband for this . It takes two to tango. You both are playing a part in this.

    And come on, I don't see why some people are so obsessed with sex. I understand it is a strong instinct in humans. But you committed zina. Adultery. Fornication. Absolutely haram in Islam. I'm not saying this on the basis of your assumption of 'slight' penetration but infact,the deeds that led you to commit such a thing. Is sex stronger than your bond with your husband,or better,your sacred bond as a servant with Allah?

    Honey, I understand it's hard for you. I go through so many things which I know is wrong,yet so hard to desert. Isn't this what we call jihaad?

    I'll pray a lot for you to release you from the chain of such a heinous matter. But here are some things I can suggest you to do in your case ( I'm just a young girl,so pardon my if my suggestions sound insensible)
    *Find out if he's REALLY gay. Check his phone. Go through his texts (Remember,bromine texts don't define gayism). Ask a close friend who lived with him abroad to check on him.
    *Take him to a sex therapist. Some medical problems disturb the sexual system. The reproduction chapter is pretty messed up.
    *Put matters in your hand. You're the lady. This is your marriage. Your special territory. Dress attractively to keep your man in your clasp. Constantly call and message him about romantic stuffs and show him you care (make sure to not do that when he's working or in a meeting!!) Keep him sexually aroused in bed. Wear good perfume and do your best to make sure your man has no eyes for another!
    *Fast!! Hun,adultery is not the way. I understand sex is a very strong instinct in human. But I don't understand the obsession with sex. People are dying out of starvation and hunger. I'm pretty sure a no sex for some time will shut the raging hormones for a while.
    *Its never too late! You know you made big mistakes. Well I mean big. Like big. But along with this big mistake there is also a merciful Allah waiting for you to repent and come back to him. So with a determined mind start fresh,with plenty of istighfar as a side dish.
    *At the end when everything seems hopeless (God forbid) and when you find out he REALLY is gay then elevate matters to a next level. Talk to elders about what to do. Perhaps seek out help from the local Ministry of Islamic Law?

    Most importantly, do not lose hope!! Stay strong and put your faith in the almighty. He doesn't burden anyone more than he can bear. This is your marriage, I repeat. A special bond only you and your husband share. So don't let a third interfere.
    Keep your head high and reach out for the sky.
    ^^
    I wish you all the best and take care.

    Love,
    Jumana

    • Bismillah
      I definitely agree with most of the things metioned by this sister, higly agree with her. The only thing i would suggest againt is involving anyone that doesn't need to be involved "his friends" as little people as possible need to know about this. Consult the elders, after you make sure he is infact gay and and have already consulted a doctor and islamic experts! Other than that this sister is absolutely right! Sray away from sin stay away from adultry and ask Allah for forgiveness, make sure you pray 5 times a day!
      May Allah be with you and help you through this!

    • Sister Jumana,

      I find your advice extremely insensitive and unhelpful. You blatantly belittled the sister's problems by saying things like "I don't understand the obsession with sex". It's not an obsession but a genuine need which Allah swt created within humans and then created marriage so that this need could be fulfilled in the proper way. It's as valid as the need to eat and have a roof over one's head.

      This sister has been married for 6 yrs. In that time her husband has had sex with her a handful of times. He shows no interest in her and doesn't express his love for her as a husband should. He may or may not be gay but has emotionally abused her by neglecting her needs. It is permissible to divorce a man who doesn't fulfill one's needs, be they financial, emotional or sexual.

      She wants children and this is will not happen without sex.

      You say people are dying of starvation etc. Yes they are. This doesn't however alleviate her issues or address her needs. You say going without sex will shut down those raging hormones. She has been going without sex for 6 yrs and it has led her to come close to committing adultery. Hormones are not designed by Allah swt to be shut down. Sexual urges are not meant to be ignored and it's not possible to ignore them.

      Her needs are not being met in this marriage and she has come close to committing adultery TWICE. I would say it is now necessary for her to divorce this man because she is tempted to sin as her needs are not being fulfilled.

      Sister Jumana, advice should be given with kindness and wisdom. Belittling people's problems is unhelpful.

      Stay well.

      • OMG I knew someone was going to bring that up Wallah I knew!

        Before writing about sex being an obsession, I thought about it about 6-7 times. Geez, I can predict good.

        Anyway I believe it's the age gap. I'm only 16 so I don't know how "amazing" sex feels like or how your hormones are dealt with. Moreover, I even apologized about sounding inconsiderate with my reply since I'm young...I was just tryna help!!

        Reference:I'm just a young girl,so pardon me if my suggestions sound insensible

        As far as I know hun, I don't believe adultery is necessary just because you wanna tend to your desires. Now is it? I meant sex as an 'obsession' because it compelled her to take a nasty step. No one is belittling her....oh I feel like I'm tryna get off the chain,but I hope you recall that I said her sin isn't unforgivable and Allah is way merciful to forgive her.

        Don't misunderstand me, I've been misunderstood countless times on this site before and I don't even know why. Do I not express myself properly? Do I say things that make y'all drive up the wall?

        Well I'm sorry if I don't know about all that. I'll remember not to comment on posts that need adult suggestions. I know I should stay in my own zone.

        Sheesh I got quite heated up here. Pardon me. Thank you for correcting me.I'll try to learn more in my futher years.I'm genuinely sincere now. Bona fide. Thanks fam. Grateful xoxo

  2. Assalamualaikum,
    Well how do you know that he's gay? You can't just assume his sexuality if he's hesitant to have intercourse with you. There could be so many reasons to this distance with you.

    Frankly, from what I see,you're destroying your own marriage. It's utterly wrong to blame your husband for this . It takes two to tango. You both are playing a part in this.

    And come on, I don't see why some people are so obsessed with sex. I understand it is a strong instinct in humans. But you committed zina. Adultery. Fornication. Absolutely haram in Islam. I'm not saying this on the basis of your assumption of 'slight' penetration but infact,the deeds that led you to commit such a thing. Is sex stronger than your bond with your husband,or better,your sacred bond as a servant with Allah?

    Honey, I understand it's hard for you. I go through so many things which I know is wrong,yet so hard to desert. Isn't this what we call jihaad?

    I'll pray a lot for you to release you from the chain of such a heinous matter. But here are some things I can suggest you to do in your case ( I'm just a young girl,so pardon my if my suggestions sound insensible)
    *Find out if he's REALLY gay. Check his phone. Go through his texts (Remember,bromine texts don't define gayism). Ask a close friend who lived with him abroad to check on him.
    *Take him to a sex therapist. Some medical problems disturb the sexual system. The reproduction chapter is pretty messed up.
    *Put matters in your hand. You're the lady. This is your marriage. Your special territory. Dress attractively to keep your man in your clasp. Constantly call and message him about romantic stuffs and show him you care (make sure to not do that when he's working or in a meeting!!) Keep him sexually aroused in bed. Wear good perfume and do your best to make sure your man has no eyes for another!
    *Fast!! Hun,adultery is not the way. I understand sex is a very strong instinct in human. But I don't understand the obsession with sex. People are dying out of starvation and hunger. I'm pretty sure a no sex for some time will shut the raging hormones for a while.
    *Its never too late! You know you made big mistakes. Well I mean big. Like big. But along with this big mistake there is also a merciful Allah waiting for you to repent and come back to him. So with a determined mind start fresh,with plenty of istighfar as a side dish.
    *At the end when everything seems hopeless (God forbid) and when you find out he REALLY is gay then elevate matters to a next level. Talk to elders about what to do. Perhaps seek out help from the local Ministry of Islamic Law?

    Most importantly, do not lose hope!! Stay strong and put your faith in the almighty. He doesn't burden anyone more than he can bear. This is your marriage, I repeat. A special bond only you and your husband share. So don't let a third interfere.
    Keep your head high and reach out for the sky.
    ^^
    I wish you all the best and take care.

    Love,
    Jumana Samaira

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