Sinning whilst growing up
I have been carrying this guilt for quite a while now and feel lost and confused in my life now. As I was growing up, everything was fairly well. I used to read Quran daily every day in the morning and night, and used to go mosque frequently. However once I got to the age of 12/13, I spiralled outpeople in my class introduced me to graphic websites which I shunned at first, but then started to find myself more attracted towards the sort of material. Sooner enough, I stopped doing Quran properly and praying and started leaning towards negative aspects.
Sooner enough I found myself away from Islam and kept on sinning by listening to music/watching online videos. But once I was at home around 13, I tried to copy the videos. My younger sibling started to rub herself against me and without thinking of any consequences I started to do it back. This then happened for 3-4 times,but with no actual intercourse taking place (ie only organs rubbing) .
When I was 14, I suddenly realised that this was a massive mistake and then stopped doing anything haram instantly. It has been around 7 years since it occurred, but I still have a great deal of guilt locked up that I could of done it. I have repented for it since, and also recall the incidents almost as if it were yesterday. I tell myself that I was really young and immature to let it happen but I always imagine what if things had gone differently, and I had not listened to Shaitan that day, I'd have been so much happier now and my faith would also be strong.
I feel lost and confused in life now, and just wanted some advice please.
~JD020
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Salaam brother, the past is past, look forward not backwards and dont think too much, whats ifs? will lead us to sit and think forever, you have repented and insha'Allah you will be forgiven, i respect what you did in repenting as soon as you realised wrong and you were young at the time and shaytan took advantage.
Be free, Be alive, Be fresh, keep Allah in your heart, pray all the time, and put the past to bed, make moves to the future and learn a big lesson, shaytan will never stop attacking us, but we must stand back and push him away, and that is by submitting ourselves to Allah in everyway possible.
Your faith is strong, do not doubt yourself, its shaytan again its really big of you to tell us on this site about this guilt you had locked up, and i respect that alot young brother, but move forward, free yourself from this and remember with every prayer you get closer to Allah and away from shaytan, he keeps trying but your love for Allah makes his efforts in vain.
Think forward, think new, and think positive, reap the blessings of Allah, feel the joys of a heart full of noor, think of all the angels that surround you during prayer, and how you almost enter a new state when in ibaadat to Allah, shaytan is defeated in such a stage, and thats when you feel unstoppable, everything is clear and the haraam is so easy to get away from, your heart becomes pure, brother these beautiful things are there and make them part of your present and future, for your past is a distant memory.
I hope this helps, and i hope you experience such i described above insha'Allah.
Thanks for the reply brother, I just feel that I have wasted my life and committed countless sins that I will not be forgiven for. At the moment, I feel that no other muslim in the world would do something that I had done.Thankfully it did not advance further but I feel sick of my actions. I know that I am not a monster but just comitted a mistake. In addition to this my eldest brother always appears so great in everything he does and I on the other hand am riddled with errors and mistakes. I just hoped I had someone to advise me during this period where I was off the path.
These thoughts also come into my prayer now , whenever I pray , which is affecting any prayers that I do aswell .
Brother,
Allah knows us best. We all have all made mistakes, some worse than others, some less, but the most important thing is that you turn around 360 degrees and become a better Muslim. It doesnt matter what your brother is like, we all have differing abilities. Allah is knows what is in your heart and what is in your brother's heart, so let Allah alone be the judge of intentions and piety. You just strive to do good from now on and work on ridding yourself of your insecurities so you can move forward positively.
Please read this article on morning and evening supplications. If you focus on the duas, it will really help you insha'Allah because the words are so deep and meaningful. Take time out and ponder over each word: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/dua-in-islam/morning-and-evening-dhikr-part-3/
Please also read this, insha'Allah it will give you some peace: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/poem-turning-back-to-allah/
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam brother, your big brother may be living a good life, but your errors and mistakes are test of faith, and you have shown that you realise and repent for any such mistakes, which makes you a good muslim, also those who face alot of hardship and pain on dunya will live in peace and prosperity in the akhira insha'Allah.
So be strong and keep faith in Allah, your going in the right direction, for your prayers i will give you my personal solution, i had many bad thoughts during my prayer and the solution came to me, one day we had a power cut and so i prayed in darkness, that day i had no bad thoughts and was focussed on my prayer the whole time, since then i always pray in the dark with no light, and in the day i draw the curtains to make the room dark, try this it may work for you aswell, after a while you get so focussed you dont need the darkness and you can go back to normal.
Best of luck brother, have faith insha'Allah everything will be fine.
Dear Brother..
Assalamu alaikum..
your posting of this in public and seeking for advice itself highlights the fact that your repentance is true to your heart, I personally am proud of you brother..
One thing I've learnt in life is that when I feel guilty , I dont ever want to make the same mistake that gave me this burden of guilt.. One feels guilt only after he/she undestands that he/she was in the wrong before.. Guilt comes with realization of ones mistake.. the bigger the mistake, the bigger the guilt and the good news is that the bigger the guilt the lesser probability of falling into the same pit again.. Maasha Allah!! That is how Allah helps us in this exam of Dunyah..
Feel this guilt but do not destroy your life pondering over how your going to stop feeling this.. Just look at it as a boost for life and a reminder of how shaitan almost pushed you to the edge!!!
YOU ESCAPED!!
thats what matters now, so live your life to the full so as to please Allahuta'alah..
May Allah Bless you brother..
Assalamu alaikum..
aslamualiqum brother..i would suggest you must move forward & yes if we have any negative thing in our past we must take it as a chance to learn in future & seek forgiveness from Allah..try to get back to good ,& Islamic things & pray 5 times & seek forgiveness from Allah as He is the most forgiving one & the Greatest among all..
Salaam dear brother.
You made some mistakes when you were young. But Alhumdulilah you have repented and Allah swt is the Most Merciful. So please do not let your previous mistakes hold you back. It is wrong to do that. Reflect on the following:
“By Him in Whose Hand is my life, if you were not to commit sin, Allah would sweep you out of existence and He would replace (you by) those people who would commit sin and seek forgiveness from Allah, and He would have pardoned them.” (Muslim, vol. 4, Book 37, Hadith No. 6622 & 6621)
O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it.
(Tirmidhi)
Devil tries two ways in order to hinder man from making tawba. He gives man the impression that he is sinless or that he has such an enormous amount of sin that they will never be forgiven.
One who falls into despair because of the abundance of his sins does not ask for forgiveness
“Say: O My slaves who have been prodigal to their own hurt! Despair not of the mercy of Allah, Who forgiveth all sins. Lo! He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (Surah az- Zumar)
Regarding sins being impossible to be forgiven is definitely a situation of despair. Despair is the harshest enemy, the most serious illness of man and the most dangerous weapon of devil. Devil paralyses man’s ability of worshipping with this weapon. A hopeless man assumes that whatever he does, no matter how much he worships and asks for pardon; Allah will never forgive him. He thinks: “My prayers and supplications are not appropriate for Allah. So I can’t ask Him for pardon with such big amounts of sins. I can’t ask Him anything.” Therefore, he even doesn’t make tawba. That’s how devil entraps him. And that’s exactly what devil wants. With giving up worship and supplication, he utterly submits shaitan. However, Allah, the Merciful (swt) declares in many verses and hadiths that He will accept repentances (tawbas) no matter how much sin he has.
“Even if your sins are about to reach the sky, if you made tawba, they will absolutely be forgiven.” (Kutub-i Sitta)
So dear brother be aware that it is shaytaan who is making you look back and despair because he doesnt want you to move forward.
"but I always imagine what if things had gone differently"
Do not think 'what-if' There is a hadith (which I am unable to find) which warns us against thinking 'what-if.' Thinking this leads us to despair and opens up a way for shaytaan to misguide us.
Dear brother: you must accept the past has gone, you have made the mistakes. But know that Allah swt wipes our sins if we repent sincerely. You say that Alhumdulilah you have stopped the sin. So turn to Allah swt and confide in Him. Cry for your sins, repent to Him sincerely and ask Him to help you move forward. And know that it's a new day, and you can start afresh.
To despair over past sins excessively is a sin. Use this negative energy in a positive way to get close to Allah. Dont let shaytaan trick you. Pray all of your salat, and if you are acquainted with praying (and have been praying for some time) do the extra sunnah and nafl. Do tahajjud as well and talk to Allah swt. Know that He loves you and wants you to succeed.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor.