Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Violent husband who has trust issues

Can you recognise the cycle of abuse?

Can you recognise the cycle of abuse?

Assalam-allaykum,

I'm Zakkiya, newly married 20-year-old. It has only been a couple of weeks since I got married. I only got married to my cousin because my family's name was ashamed when my sister ran away and got love-married after my parents and my 'husband's' mother were planning on getting her married to my 'husband' (who then obviously was just a cousin). I didn't want to humiliate my parents more than this, so I took this big step to 'ruining' my life by getting married to this douche-bag.

So, my 'husband' has been suspecting me of seeing men behind his back! I try to stick up for myself but I get yelled at and abused. I started to go work about 4 four months ago. After all the effort and brains it took me to get this job, he started accusing me and made me leave work (effort gone). I see my family once a week, and he makes sure I don't have a private moment with my younger sister or my older brother. He tries making excuses for me not to see them.

He has slapped me, mentally hurt me, and hit me a couple of times too. He has apologized for his behavior, but he ends up doing it again and says that it's all my fault. I'm fed up now. I'm suffering over my sister's sin (who I've heard is having problems, too). Just a year ago, I was supposed to be with my family friend (who's still single) and he is pretty good looking. I know I shouldn't be talking about this, but I really miss my old life. I'm not sure what to do. I'm stuck inside the house and even then I'm pounded!

The only person I can talk to is my younger sister. If I tell my older brother, he will batter him up. I have struck him when he physically hit me and he shut up for a couple of days, but I didn't hit him after that because I don't want to be the bad one. My family is a well known and respected family. We are pretty good looking (if that matters?). His cousin's brother saw a bruise on my forehead and said it was my husbands fault etc, and he was very close to telling my dad, but I forced him not to.

By the way, my husband accused me of 'flirting' with his cousin's brother! I hate using the word 'husband' or referring him as my husband, it just makes me sick! The only hope I've got is Allah and I share my thoughts with Him. If it matters, I haven't lost my virginity to this hypocrite and I don't want to (I know I should, but I still have hope that one day I'll deserve better). I know I'm not better than anyone else, but I put so much effort into my future making sure I got A's and B's and kept healthy within and without! I don't consider my 'husband' the best person ever but he was nicer before marriage.

Worse has happened since the day we got married (18th October 2013).

He has gone out now and I'm trying to type this asap. I'll try and keep you updated.

Jazakallah.

-Zakkiya


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6 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    Your biggest mistake is not allowing your family to know what this man is doing to you and how he is abusing you. Don't stay quiet about abuse...ever. If it means that your brother puts him in his place...so be it.

    It's a shame you were so worried about the name of your family that you never considered yourself in any of this. Get your family involved...now.

    Salam

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    At the beginning of the marriage life is not supposed to be at all the way you have described. If you really did not want to marry him, it would have been better for you to have stood your ground and said no; however, what is done is done.

    A wife and husband are supposed to be a mercy to one another in marriage. I am sure that any woman would not want to be intimate with a man that beats her. You need to get away from him for now - go to your parents, or a relative or trusted friend. If this marriage means anything to him at all, he should seek counselling for his anger issues before the both of you can even think of starting a life together. If he is willing to seek help and willing to try hard, then I would hold off on any other drastic measures.

    Don't let your mind wander to other people--it would be tempting to do that in your situation and shaitaan knows that--so he would make sure to whisper all sorts of things to you. You said yourself that you always took care of yourself up to this point--so just continue to do that.

    May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  3. Walaikum salam wrwb,

    Sister, sorry to hear what you are going through, no one deserves to be physically beaten by their spouse; husband or wife. However, there are some red flags that I noticed while reading your post.

    First of all, there is no justification for your husband behavior (never). I am going to speculate that there are things that you are doing which may be provoking your husband to flare up to the point of being physically abusive. You must protect yourself first and foremost and definitely not think of having children with this man until all this abuse stops and he learns to treat you like a wife not a punch bag.

    To start with, you married this man only to please your parents when your heart wasn't in it; instead you wanted to marry someone else and still hope that somehow this marriage ends without people pointing fingers at you. So, you can unite with your love. Secondly, there is no such thing as "Sex Ban" in marriage; this is one major thing that can cause major problem in a marriage; it's a big thing for men especially the newly wed ones.

    Surely, there are issues that need to be resolved which is only possible if you put your foot down and let him know politely but firmly that you are not going to take the abuse. This abuse must stop; he can discuss whatever problems he is facing resulting in all the abuse he is putting your through, and tell him if that's not an option then you will involve your family and see the matter resolved or go for Khula/Divorce.

    It may be that by not allowing you to be with your family; he is trying to stop you make the same mistake your sister made because he may have known/sense your intention of liking/wanting to marry this other man that you mention (may be heard from someone or because he is a family friend; it somehow became obvious to him). As you said, you are paying for your sisters mistake; he may be taking all his anger out on you. (Off course it's not justified).

    Solution to your problem as I mentioned above is to move on from your past and work on this marriage if you want to save it. By that I mean that stop thinking about this other man and stop feeling superior because of your looks etc. That is only possible if you honestly want to save this marriage which you agreed to be in to save your family's name and honor. If you cannot do that then part peacefully on good terms.

    Marriage is all about compromise, show your husband that your care. Cook for him, his favorite dishes, may be dine out or have some time together to get to know each other properly. Dress up for him. When he is angry, do not argue and wait for him to be calm and then try to speak to him gently something like;

    Honey! Is there anything that is bothering you and makes you angry. Please let me know I would love to see you happy and cheerful. Remember, I am not just your wife but also your best friend and would do anything in my capacity to see a smile on your face..

    If you have taken all the necessary steps to save this marriage and he hasn't changed then it's about time you leave this man and find someone who will respect you as equal partner and show you love, compassion, respect and mercy.

    May Allah (swt) help you both resolve the issues and save this marriage. Amin

    Muhammad1982,

    IslamicAnswers.com, Editor.

  4. Actually sister. Can you imagine having children with him? I know for me just hearing your story I can't.

    I know I would runaway very quickly. Don't worry about your family and what people will say,...because they are not the ones being abused. Your sister escaped from this man and that's a blessing. Now you need to too.

    You cannot live under someone who needs to have that much control over you. I can't imagine what kind of abuse he would do to any future children you have with him. Don't let him take your dignity away sister. I have experience with a similar situation, and I can tell you don't let it drag for too long.

  5. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    DEAR YR CASE IS LIKE ONE WHICH HAS NO VALUE AS A COUPLE ND HE IS JUST SHOWING LITTLE OF HIS IGNORANCE [JAHALATH]IN FUTURE IT WILL INCREASE I THINK HE HAS NO TOUCH OF ISLAM IN HIS LIFE WHICH BRINGS CONTROL-
    THESE TYPE VULTURES IN MEN WHO HIT THEIR WIVES AND REPEAT IT GAIN AND AGAIN-
    THIS WILL NOT END INSTEAD YOU WILL TELL YR PARENTS VERY SOON BUT AFTER FACING RISKING YR LIFE-AND MORE TORTURE IT IS BETTER TELL THEM NOW AS YOU ALREADY MADE YRSELF A SCAPE GOT FOR YR SISTERS BLUNDER-
    BUT THIS WILL NOT DECREASE IT WILL INCREASE-THESE TYPE ONCE LOST RESPECT FOR EACH OTHER COUPLES NEVER BECOME NORMAL AND THE VOILENCE HAS REACHED THIS STAGE- I have struck him when he physically hit me and he shut up for a couple of days, but I didn't hit him after that....
    SATAN WILL EASILY BUILD HATREDNESS SO MUCH U CANT IMAGINE-
    THESE THINGS WILL LEAD TO MORE SERIOUS VOILENCE AND DONT WAIT TILL THAT DAY WHEN THE WHOLE CITY COMES TO KNOW[I DONT WANT TO USE THE EXTENT OF CONSEQUENCES HITTING EACH OTHER WILL ERUPT HARMFUL AND FATAL RESULTS WHEN IN THE MADNESS OF ANGER LIVES WILL BE AT STAKE USING MANY UNWANTED WEAPONS OR BLOWS WHATEVER COMES TO HAND-
    DONT WAIT FOR THAT DAY
    USE YR SOFT WAY OF EXPLAINING YR PARENTS ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOUR AND HOW YOU TRIED TO MAKE IT UP BUT ALAS THIS IS AN ANIMAL AND TAMING HIM IS NO HOPE IN FUTURE IF HE REPENTS IN FRONT OF ALL HE WILL TAKE SPITES ALTER AND ALL IS LIKE A JUMBLE AND YOU ARE NOT BORN FOR THAT TYPE OF SACRIFICE AND CONSEQUENCES WHEN HEALTH PEACE AND LIFE PLEASURE AND THE BLISS OF MARRIAGE IS TURNED INTO A FIGHTS AND ARGUEMENTS AND DISTRUST-AND THAT IS NOT A NEWLY MARRIED COUPLES LIFE YOU ARE LEADING-SO SORRY TO HER ABOUT YR LIFE THAT YOU ARE SACRED TO TYPE HERE YR PROBLEMS IN FEAR OF HIS COMING TO KNOW DEFINITELY THIS IS NOT WHAT ALLAH HAS MADE FOR YOU PEOPLE [FAIRSEX]WHO ARE LEADERS IN BRINGING MEN IN TO THIS WORLD SORRY AGAIN MAY ALLAH GIVE YOU THE GUTS TO TELL YR PARENTS AT THE EARLEIST AND RELIEVE YOURSELF FROM THIS ANIMAL TYPE OF LIFE-
    REGARDS

  6. If you just got married. Leave!!!! I am sorry sister, you are supposed to be on your honey moon, he is supposed to be nice to you.

    People who abuse and hit don't need wives. You don't have to take it and you don't have to live with him.

    You tell him to shape up and find a better way of talking to you or you are calling the police. Tell your family about it if it continues and ask for a divorce. Simple, if he hits you, you pack your bag while he is at work, and you tell your parents to cone pick you up.

    Let me tell you sister, abuse gets worse not better the longer you live with him. Please don't take this, you are young, you deserve respect and someone who knows how to be with a woman.

    Pray iistikhara, ask Allah fir help, and may Allah make things easy for you.

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