Woman with personality disorder will drive my friend to violence
I am a non-muslim and have for the past nearly six years looked out for a non-muslim friend of mine who has just recently celebrated his first sober anniversary. He was addicted to tik and has lived in my house on two separate occasions.
In November of last year, he met a divorced muslim woman, 13 years his senior, and she moved him into her house immediately, living together with her 20 year old daughter, stating her clear intention at that time that she wanted him exclusively for herself. He was paying me an amount for rent then but was for all intents and purposes living with her, which she denied as being co-habitation. I had no contact with him for weeks at a time unless I initiated it and there was tension between us because he would be scolded in private for communicating with me while she pretended, on rare visits (always following an accusation, as above, from me), to be encouraging him to stay in contact.
On many occasions she has lied directly to me and been caught out, about her intentions and frequently fabricates or manipulates scenarios to foster animosity between my friend and I. I can tell when he has been coached and have had conversations with her, through him. They regularly fight and shout at one another to the point that her daughter leaves the house to stay at a friend's house because it upsets her so much.
They practice unprotected sex and my friend is uncircumcised. He has been driven to the point of violence by her controlling, bombastic demeanor and provocations. She has spent, and continues to spend, exorbitant amounts of money on him, while claiming to have no money at all, making him feel guilty for her "sacrifices". She used to cover her hair with a turban but lately flat-irons her hair, wears a lot of make up and revealing tops. She had topless photos of the two of them taken together and showed them around to brag.
She has begun to show signs of entering the menopausal phase of her life, the symtoms of which she construed to fake a miscarriage (confirmed by a doctor) after my friend's refusal to father a child with her willingly, and this after them having only known each other for just two months. She has used my own kind words of encouragement and concern for him against me to create such distrust that he considers us no longer friends. She quotes me verbatim and acts exactly to the contrary.
I fear that he might injure her at some point and also that his youth, independence and all the promises of his new life of sobreity are being stolen from him. He has had a very hard life and is extremely vulnerable to be preyed upon by this selfish and callous woman. She says he is free to choose, but since when are drug addicts, reformed or not, recognised for their ability to make healthy choices.
Through research we have discovered that she has almost all the traits of someone suffering from histrionic personailty disorder which includes as a result of childhood neglect (confirmed), narcissicism and pathological lying (with agreement at the very real possibility, by a professional).
He is currently living with her and has not worked in four months after breaking his foot in an accident on a motorcyle that she bought him. Originally, she says he was to pay her back for the bike but she has refused to ever have a contract drawn up between them or to have it registered in his name, or registered at all. I suspect it is an illegal import. She even gave him money and forced him to by a diamond ring for her with it, that she had picked out.
His employer at the start of their relationship expressed his disapproval and ever since she has been trying to convince him to give up that job and work for one of her friends. She also insisted that he have his prepaid cellphone number converted to a contract, which is currently in her name. All to control and be able to kep tabs on him.
I don't know where else to turn for advice or how I can appeal to her in a way she'd understand to give up this dangerous and insidious path. Please help.
Thank you.
Cintamani
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Nothing you can do about this, bro (at least I'm assuming you are a man, and I hope that's the case). All you can do is speak to your friend clearly, tell him that you love him and that you can't stand to watch him destroying his life. Tell him that you want better for him, that this woman is using him and corrupting him.
After that, there's really nothing more you can do. One day this bizarre relationship will implode, and maybe you can be there to pick up the pieces and help your friend get back on his feet.
You can't live other people's lives for them, or make their choices. They have to make their own mistakes. Addicts are prone to making mistakes and bad choices, but you can't save them. They have to save themselves. That's how it is.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum Questioner,
As far as my opinion is concerned, there is no pyschological disorder affecting your friend and the woman in question. It is all mutual, consensul, in full conciousness, by choice and by comfort. So let it be until Allah wills so.
A very obvious and understandable fact which comes out after reading your post is: This woman was 13 years elder to him, was probably looking for someone, she found a young men and by all means she tried to please him and she does not want this man to go out of her life once she has found him. Rather than controlling him, what I find here is her want for this man and her efforts in keeping him "only her belonging". She knows that a younger guy may get attracted to younger women and so she warned him " to be for herself" as their was 20 year old daughter in their house. She should not have brought a stranger to live in with her like this. Also, it may be due to the insecurity that she does arguments so that the daughter does not remain around them and as a result she can have the man exclusively at her disposal. She also asked him to leave the job, so that she can be with him most time. Shaytaan seems to be ruling her mind right now.
Your friend is an adult and equally responsible in whatsoever is happening. The woman on the other had does not want any person in his life who can give him "sound advice" it seems this is the reason why she has tried to create enmity between you and him, so that he does not come in contact with you nor does he recieve good advice. So do not worry about it. Your friend is mature enough to understand good or bad. And the day he is tired of all this, he will automatically come out, only if Allah wills.
As far as the women in question: She is spending "exorbitantly" on him because she wants him to stay, she wants to provide him every comfort she can and she wants love in return from him which is apparent from her action of giving him money to buy her a diamond ring. This woman needs love in her life. I read about some recent studies on sample subjects of women coming closer to menopause indiciate that this time is the "peak" for their desire to become mothers and also they seek love - emotional and physical a lot more during and up to some years of this phase. So I believe this woman is ironing her hair straight, trying to look as attractive as she can and wearing revealing tops, which is not narcissism, I do not think so, I believe that his her wish to stay attractive to men so that this guy sees her beauty and more importantly he sees that if he leaves her, there are other men who are already attracted to her. Just to keep him tied up with herself.
This is not Islamic way of live. May Allah give them hidayah. Shaytaan is heavy on their minds. Allah is best aware of them and their faith, if He sees any good in them and if He wills, He will guide them and if not, you are not responsible for their actions.
So make du'aa to Allah, you can surely do this. Make lot of du'aa for your friend and this woman and wait to see what happens with passing time.
It may be that someday they may realize their mistakes and break up or marry, who knows. None but Allah knows the ghaib. So be patient with a patience fair to see. Leave matters to Allah.
Hope the advice helps.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Thank you Wael and Munib. I have waited long for your answers and have received some of the best advice I believe could have been given. I am sincerely grateful and will follow your advice by confessing and seeking blessings on behalf of all concerned. I feel that my faith in humanity has been restored and my spirit has been lifted by the kindness, sincerity and sound advice that you have given. I surrender the matter completely in the hope that it will lead ultimately to the true and fulfilling happiness and well-being of each of us, deserving love. Bless you both for your part as well.
Dear Mr. Cintamani,
All thanks and praise be to Allah. We are worshipping God by being of some help to His Creation. We are just doing our duty and nothing more.
With all humbleness we accept your warm words. I am glad your faith in humanity is restored, but keep faith in God, for that is the only way to bring happiness in our lives and in that of others.
Hope the matter gets resolved in the right way for the good of this life and the Hereafter of your friend and the woman.
Regards,
Munib.