Fallen in love with my big brother’s wife
I've become so obsessed I don't know who I am anymore
I am attracted to my big brother's wife. She is younger than me and I’m not married. I’m 26.
I tell where it began. I am doing my MBA and I have got one subject left. That’s why I have to stay home, because going to university just for 1 subject means I attend twice in a week, the rest of the time I was at home. I was very upset, and that’s why my 1 subject was left and now I have to wait 6 months to get job.
I was tense but my sister-in-law shows me attitude again and again. I don’t know why she is doing this. I was very upset about my MBA and because of her, so I decided to leave my house and stay alone but I would change my mind and then stay. When I got no conclusion I tried to hurt her so that she can realize. I tried to touch her and she said to me “what r u doing?” then again I done this. Then she told my mum that I have done some wrong with her but she won't told her what I did. Then I continue this thing and finally she tell me about herself, that she’ll never show me attitude. She talks less and her face shows attitude but she is not like this.
She told me everything about her. Then I told my sister-in-law that I’m very upset about my MBA and because of her, that it’s not my fault it’s my teacher’s fault. She listened to me and showed me sympathy. We were coming too close to each other, sharing every thing to each other but not physically. We are coming too close that we and my brother went together outside and my brother talks less and we both enjoy ourselves. She trusts me and tells me everything and I trust her I tell her every thing about me.
We were feeling like we are in heaven, enjoying the most together. But then what happened was that I was attracted to her so so much that I tried touching her hands in humour, her neck and her face. She told me don’t do this it’s not allowed in Islam, but I began doing this. Then one day I grabbed her and she laughed and I think that she wants some. I grab her the next day and try to kiss her but she told me don’t do this but I thought that she is just showing attitude. I continue this thing and my mum came she told her that I came to her to rape her. However, I never thought about that.
She told her own parents and my parents as well as my brother. She left the house when I started continuously doing wrong with her 5 to 6 times. Then her parents came to us to give a guarantee that I will never do that again. I contacted her and said sorry to her, and she forgives me but tells me that please don’t do this again.
I pray 5times and say dua so that I can forget her but I can’t. I say sorry to Allah and say dua to get me out of this situation. I sometimes sms her or call her every night because I can’t stay away from her. I get upset if I can’t talk to her. She came back and I told her that I want to marry her and to do something about it but she says it’s not possible now. She told me that her husband won’t give her and she began to fall in love with him but he won’t give her time. And then she finally told me that she loved me when she was not married with my brother but she is unable to tell me.
Now I got so upset to learn that the one I love has loved me some time before. What can I do now? If I say anything to her about marriage she tells her husband or anyone. I don’t know why she won’t take me seriously, she says to me that she knows my situation and that I’m upset but that this thing has no future so please leave this topic. My brother told me finally, and warns me to stay away from her or he will leave this house with her.
What can I do? I’m always thinking about her every minute. I have lost myself, I have forgot what it is that I have to do in the future. Please give me some advice.
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Follow your heart. there is a reason why all of this happened and there is a reason why both of you feel that way about each other. I don't think it is wrong in Islam to marry her since she is no longer your brother's wife. you probably feel guilty and you know this will put a big dent in your relationship with your family but Allah knows what's in your heart.
I think you misread his post, Aidan. She is still his brother's wife. Furthermore I don't think it's his heart he is following here, but something else. He has allowed his desires and lust to completely cloud his judgement and corrupt his behavior. Being a Muslim is about doing what's right, even when your desires are pulling you toward something sinful.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi man,
Best solution is for you to leave the house. You cannot destroy one marriage to appease yourself. Please be sensitive to at least your own brother!
Umm Yes I So Agree With You !
x
Salaams,
This is a terrible situation. Firstly your brothers wife is your SISTER-in-law and you should have not regarded her in an improper way. If you had kept your distance and controlled your desires, you would not have allowed the situation to get out of control. Hanging around the house with little to do, well the devil makes work for the idle.
Also you say that your sister-in-law now tells you that she was interested in you before she married your brother. If she was, then she shouldn't have married your brother but since she did, she should not have told you this information as it only fuels your desire for her.
You have already made advances towards her. I do not understand how your family have been so tolerant of you. You should be sent away until you can overcome this evil desire for your SISTER-in-law.
I personally think that you have a sibling rivalry issue, where you longed for your big brother's 'possession' and since you openly lusted after your his wife, she may have secretly enjoyed this attention and now tells you she liked you etc. This is what weak people do. Your jealousy over your brothers marriage has led you to covet his wife. Her ego has been inflated, so she has perpetuated your illicit desires. Instead she should have kept her distance altogether and not been alone in your company at all.
The only solution for you is to look at this objectively. You are blinded by this evil lust and desire. Imagine it is someone else, you would be saying the same things I am saying now. You at least recognise it is a problem. If you have completed your studies, go travelling or visit some friends. Why do you have to wait six months to get a job? Do not dwell or focus on this issue. The whole thing is not right in any way. She was never yours and never can be.
Maintain your prayers, read Qur'an and seek Allah's forgiveness.
Insha'Allah you d othe right thing and stay away. think how much damage you will cause if you do not give up this thing. You will damage relations with your own family and your in-laws.
Walaykum Assalam,
Thankyou For Such A Perfect Reply, I Hope He See's Sense After Reading This,
I Agree I Dont Understand Why His Family And His Sister In Law's Family Are Taking This Lightly,
Buh Can I Just Say One Thing..* ?
I May Be Wrong, So Am Sorry If I Am, I Think His Sister In Law Is In Love (Or Was) In Love With Her Husband, Buh As 'waqarcruz' Stated He Doesnt Give Her The Time, So Maybe After A While She Started To Give In To Her Brother-In-Laws Advances, As She Got The Attention From There..* ?
And That Built ' waqarcruz' Hope, And That's Why He's So Attached To Her Now,
Am Not Justifying Anyone Here, Am Just Saying From What I Understand They Are Both To Blame,
Because If He Talks To Her Every Night, She Obviously Answers Thats How They 'Talk' , If She Didn't Want Anything To Do With Him, She Would Never Answer His Call's, Or Speak To Him, Or Even Live In The Same House For That Matter, So She Is Partially To Blame For Building His Hopes Up,
If She Stopped All Communication And Told Him She Wanted Nothing To Do With Him, Rather Than Telling Him She Loved Him Before She Married His Brother Then Maybe 'waqarcruz ' Would Understand The Fact, She's Not Interested, And Could Try And Move On, However With Her In The Same House, It Can Be Difficult For Him, So I Agree With Disco He Should Leave The House,
Make Space Where He Could Think More Straight, With A Clear Head, Maybe Then He Would Realise His Mistake, And Obviously Pray To Allah (Swt) For His Forgiveness And To Guide Him The Right Way, And Make Him Pleased With His Destiny,
x
And I Just Realised This Was Posted More Than A Month Ago,And He's Probably Somewhere On The Road Of Recovery Now, So I Kinda Just Wasted My 'Words Of Wisdom' Aww Well Atleast It Kept Me Occupied 😀
x
Salaam Brother,
Brother, I am deeply worried about you and my advise would be to take yourself straight to a counsellor as you are exhibiting signs of stalking behaviour towards this woman, you are putting yourself at great risk and you are acting outside of all deen, logic and reason and showing signs of a dangerous mental health problem.
You must recognise this if you want this to stop.
She is not helping you to get better by giving you mixed signals - saying that she loves you on the one hand, and telling you to leave her alone on the other - however regardless of what she says you are responsible for your own actions, and there is no excuse on the day of Judgement and there is no excuse in the courtroom either.
Once someone has begged you to stop contacting them and reported to family to intervene - it means that they have become afraid of you. Continuing to contact someone despite all of this is called harassment and leads to stalking. If she is always telling your brother or mother when you contact her, then she is afraid of you. She has tried asking you to leave her alone and you have not listened. She has left the home, and you have not listened, her husband and her family have spoken with you and still you are texting her and calling her. Your behaviour is the behaviour of a dangerous person.
You are suffering from a dangerous obsession and you must speak to a professional. You have lost your sense of self, and your focus in life and you a a danger to yourself and to others at this moment.
The situation you have built up with this woman is a strong and heavy record of complaints and grievances against you, she has evidence of texts and calls and reports to the family, there is an accusation of the intention of rape: brother, one false move from you and the police will be round with handcuffs to take you away and put a restraining order on you.
If you do not want this to happen, if you want to heal and get on with your life and get on with your future you must first of all recognise that you are behaving dangerously, and become very aware of the danger that you are in. I want you to feel very very afraid right now of the lack of control you are exhibiting. You must recognise the signs that this obsession is destroying everything around you - including you. You must make a firm intention, FIRM intention to stop this and move on and come back to the real world, and the real life and the future that is in front of you.
What she does or says to you does not matter. You must regard all thoughts about this woman as poisonous to your health, your faith and your future. These thoughts are destroying you and controlling you. When you think about her, say ‘My Lord, I seek refuge in You from the whispers of the devils. And I seek refuge in You, my Lord, lest they come near me’”. Do not engage in things that are connected with your obsession - if your mind is consumed with thoughts of her, fight them off and distract yourself with something else.
I beg you to see a counsellor to discuss your feelings and thoughts around this situation as soon as you can. The sooner you get in front of someone to expel these thoughts from your mind, the better it will be for you.
Do not be ashamed of asking for help to get over this, the most responsible thing we can do when we cannot do something on our own is ask for help.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
I agree with "Troubled" and Leyla on this. This is not love, it is an unhealthy and destructive obsession. What is needed here is is for the brother to completely remove himself from this situation and create distance between himself and his sister-in-law, and let time pass. And by distance I mean, another city, and no attempts at contact whatsoever.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Well my advise is to stay away from your sis in law , these type of girls are extremely dangerous and she has this ability to destroy you and your family - your brother's wife and your life - i am not blaming everything on her
but giving mix signals to a unmarried guy is one of the most dangerous things a girl can do
you can't read her emotions and way of thinking - you thought she is attracted towards you but she complain
about attempt of rape - even our prophet(PBUH) when asked about Pardah issue with husband's brother
prophet(PBUH) replied that this is a killing relation and from my own experience i can tell you that this is true
in your case the issue is when she was telling others and her family members that you are doing something wrong or she try to gave you signals that she don't want this then you should have not touch or try to kiss her etc - i believe its a very complex issue of love and obsession and may be you have sort of physical attraction towards her - my advise is don't be involved with her and stay away from any stuff that can make you think about attractions towards her etc - even if you love her for the sake of her and your brother life and your own life stay away from this matter - don' think about her -
"And then she finally told me that she loved me when she was not married with my brother but she is unable to tell me. [...] My brother told me finally, and warns me to stay away from her or he will leave this house with her."
I think your sil is using to you try and get her husband to move out of the house. Not saying she doesn't have the right to her own accomodation. I'm just saying that he probably doesn't want to move out, because after all the things you have done he still hasn't! She seems to be leading you into wrong and then advertising it to her husband, and is accumulating her greviences until he can't take it anymore and moves out.
Which doesn't excuse the way she is behaving. You're being used and being led down the wrong path. Stay away from this woman. Move out if you have to.
your committing a sin by going after a married women. she's committing a sin by being so "free" with. i think its her that should be asking "how to stay away from brother in law"
do you want to destroy your brother marriage life? if not. then back OFF NOW. ALLAH is watching your every move. so don't disappoint him.
PROPHET MOHAMMAD (P.B.U.H) said, its better if you put your hand through a nail then touch a non-mahram woman" so act accordingly.
i agree with laali that the girl attracts him. she used him i think. she used him to realize her husband that how important she is, how beautiful she is that everyone become attracted to her.
you have stolen my nick name waqarcruz.
i am giving you the advice to ignore her and tell her that you hate her and try to hate her. because she is a gamer as i understand from your saying.
hate her or leave the house and make your future.
its so so much difficult when you love someone and she lives with you but you can't touch her. but you have to do this. or leave the house.
I haven't told you that she holds the 'quran' and tell me that she is not interested in me and she won't play any game against me. she told me that she can never do this wrong thing which is zina. if i do this how i face Allah. she is right at her own point of views. and i know i am wrong but this is the fact that when you fall in love there is no thing you can do to make you normal.
I have done everything to stay away from her. we both fight together involving my family members which was so intense specially for me because everyone blames me not her cuz if they blames her she will leave the house, they don't want to hurt her. 2 times i attempt suicide, eat the sleeping tablets but both time my family members took me to the hospital. My parents and sisters cares for me but what they can do, the thing i want is not possible. i realize that no body can hep me even my own brother if he loves me he will leave her for me but no. and now she told me that she won't love me stay away from me. 1st she said she cares for me and i know she have some love left for me after she got married to my big brother. she told me that i am her best friend very close to her. and now she tells me that i am the biggest tension in her life. she says i mean nothing to her she hates me she don't want to see me she is very happy when i leaved the house, imagine how it hurts when i heard this. but i know she just said that because she want me to hate her so that i can forget her.
After the fight i leave the house 3 to 4 times. so that i can forget and hate her but i never prosper because her thoughts grabs me i finally finally failed to hate her and stay away from her. she is beautiful no doubt. and i think she is the only one beautiful and with good nature but no its not right there are so many beautiful girls. what i can do to make myself hate her, her every move attracts me towards her. i finally make up my mind that i just talk to her cuz i can't stay away from her. but then what her moves attracts me, every move every thing she talk. my mind failed finally and began thinking wrong about her. i told her i don't want to lose you. please always stay with me. but i don't know how i will marry the other girl if i still thinks about her. i pray always that she never hurt me again and please Allah realize her that how much i love her. so that she can't hurt me more. and i pray from Allah that he is the only one who can hep me to get rid of this problem.
This is true that if you love someone and living with her how difficult it is to stay away from her and won't touch her.
Pray for me, i have lost i want to become normal, a normal person like i was a year and a half ago.
Brother you need to move out - this obsession is really unhelpful -we will InshaAllah make dua for you. But why dont u make dua? Do u pray 5 x a day? If not start - Fear Allah- I can't get over how casually you can talk about how much you love your bros wife and how you've made a move on her - its scary that you seem to have lost ALL sense of self control and you NEED to do something about it. Shes you BROTHERS WIFE! You need to accept shes not yours - she doesnt want you anyway and its wrong. DONT LET THIS DESTROY YOU and DONT conteplate suicide. Suicide is a grave sin - it is effectively a ticket to the Fire. Any pain you are going through now will be nothing compared to the fire.
MOVE TOWARDS ALLAH - OK REPENT - ALLAH IS THE MOST MERCIFUL. Ask Allah to give you the strength to fight your nafs, ask Him to forgive you. Read Qur;an - read night prayers - do whatever you can to get close to Allah. Ask Him to instill fear for His punishment into your heart.
MOVE AWAY FROM HER- Yes it will be hard at first but you have to do it. I really hope your brother does take his wife away. Delete her number and her email and any other way you have of contacting her. Yes you will find this extremely hard but you can no longer live with her - its damaging you more and more. Its like an addiction - you will have withdrawal symptoms - but once u get past that stage InshaAllah you will no longer covet her - your feelings will fade.
SEE A COUNSELLOR - As sister leyla suggested - This does not sound mentally healthy so sort this out before you end up in trouble. See your GP/See a counsellor.
IF YOU WANT A NORMAL LIFE, YOU MUST TAKE THESE STEPS AS SUGGESTED
Please wake up dear brother and stop dreaming - im sorry to sound harsh but your living in fantasy land. She doesn't love you or need you she was merely playing with you and you fell for her tricks. EVEN if she did - its still not at all appropriate for you to be this way towards her!! Shes trying to get you to hate her - what does this tell you brother - she wants you out of her life - accept it and move on.
Ok try to be positive - you CAN move on - turn to Allah swt in repentance and ask for His help - move out and stay away for a long time (if you meet family i suggest you avoid visiting the family home - try to meet them elsewhere and make sure shes not there) and see a counsellor.
I pray that Allah swt saves you from this obsession, forgives and guides you.
you say you love her
what is love?
love isnt something that drives you crazy, no thats lust
love is somethingAllah created for two people where there is understanding, trust, a beautiful feeling in your heart where you feel thankful to Allah for giving you such a wonderful person. do you feel that? no you feel a tightness in your heart, anxious, uneasy, cant sleep, cant eat, you feel like your going mad. if you want your heart to be free from that pain you need to realise she's a drug to you. giving things up is hard. i know. so you need to do it step by step.
take very small step at a time. your situation sounds like it'll take a while to heal. i know its hard when people say 'you need to stop doing this completly' its hard but it is possible. so do it slowly. im sure it wont be eay to suddenly forget her. do something that like forcing yourself not to call her or see. do this at LEAST once, once a week. keep doing that untill you are regularly doing it weekly.
then slowly narrow it down down from twice a week, 3 times.. etc. inshallah then you will become in a habit of not contacting her and inshaalh this should lead you to start getting over her. remember this might take a while but dont give up. it'll push you to fight further if you knew you were making SOME progress
the sooner you realise you dont love but lust for the girl the better
pray to Allah to find you a wife that will help protect you from sin.
inshallah if you get married you will fall in love with her the halal way
the feeling you will feel in a halal relationship will be 100 times
more beautiful then the one you are feeling now as Allah will have blessed that
relationship
i make dua Allah guides you and i really hope my advice helps you
my family my relatives knows that all, and my brother took her away with him for 6 months to a rented house, in those 6 months i throw the things of the house, destroy the things, destory the watch the tv remotes, tables , chairs etc, cry every single day and night. i told my family that i want to marry her but no one is agree with thta they said u r going mad. i do this because i want her to be my wife i lust for her, i gone mad, many times i wanted to attempt suicide but then i stopped, the punishment in a jail is easy but the punishment i got is really a curse from Allah. hardly hardly i got away a month ago from now i got away from that situation. i am ok now but i still love her and want to talk to her. but not lust for her. 4 days ago she and my brother came back to our house. i tried to talk to her and finally my familyb members allowed her to talk to me. i blame her i got angry on her. why she hurt me these 6 months, i said her u know that i can't live without u then why u go away from me u know i cant live without u. then she tells me understands me, tell me that this was good for both of us and our families. then i told her to be my sister. she accepts and she was very happy but last day i grab her again, i do nothing but grab her. she then got upset the whole day she said u will never change. u broke my trust again and again. today i want to talk to her but she ignores me again and again. i want a girl to marry but i have a job which is not beneficial after marriage. i tried hard but the country's conditions are worst. i am in trouble, i m in middle of every thing. nothing is going good. i pray 5 times a day and also started reading Holy Quran but from 2 days because of her i am in no shape to pray, i remain unclean. this things starts again. what i can do, on one way i can't live without her i want her in this house, i hardly passes those 6months when she got away. but on other way if she stay here, i lost my control and also unable to pray. whats the solution God Please help me. help me. i never hurt anyone, everyone makes an example of me and may family in good sense when this thing wont happened. we never hurt anyone, why this curse caught us. when this ends, me and my family are exhausted.
Assalamualaikum wr wb
Brother what on earth?!!!!!! you know the shaytan (may Allah's curse be on him) is having a nice laugh making you go insane over your sister in law?!
brother wake up!!!
if you truly turn to Allah, He will help you...
Therefore remember Me (by praying, glorifying, etc.). I will remember you, and be grateful to Me (for My countless Favours on you) and never be ungrateful to Me.
O you who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly! Allah is with As-Sabirin (the patient ones surah baqarah verses 152 and 153
Surely, Shaytan is an enemy to you, so take (treat) him as an enemy. He only invites his Hizb (followers) that they may become the dwellers of the blazing Fire.) (35:6), and:
(Will you then take him (Iblis) and his offspring as protectors and helpers rather than Me while they are enemies to you What an evil is the exchange for the Zalimin (polytheists, and wrongdoers, etc).) (18:50)
Shaitan commands you only what is evil and Fahsha (sinful), and that you should say against Allah what you know not. (2:169)
Bro, i want you to do these two things:
1. Go to the masjid...pray to Allah....tell him how weak you are and that you have committed so many sins...humble yourself in front of the King of kings! if your attitude is im such a nice person and why am i being put through all these then dont expect Allah's Help...really....coz the hardest of tests were given to the Prophets because they were the best of mankind... thru tests Allah elevates the position of His slaves and removes their sins...
I highly recommend you to go through Yusuf's (peace on him) story... http://noblequran.com/translation/index.html
2. Second thing what I want you to do is to go away to somewhere you have privacy and reflect about your death, have you seen the graves? one day all of us are going to die...and we will wish for nothing except success of the akhira, to be protected from the hell fire...may Allah protect us all from the graveyard punishment and fire of hell...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJ3LHTY8JS0
and by the way you NEED to, YOU MUST repent not only for behaving in such an indecent manner but you also have to seek repentence for attempting suicide...if you died then you might have entered the hell fire!!!! not a joke bro! really think about it....dont be so foolish and destroy your life, other people's lives and the life of akhira!!
And Allah Knows Best.
i go to Dubai for searching a job and i got one. but she was not attending my calls not talking to me. i became so tense i decided to suicide but then my cousin tells me go back to ur country and ask her to marry u. but when i came back my family got away. they came back after a week. but she doesn't came back. i ask them but they dont tel me. what i do. i told them pls i want to talk to her but they dont listen me. i finaly found her and then ended in a fight. her parents got her away with them because they r going for Hajj and they don't want any disturbance. i just want her. I want to marry her. can it be possible. all family members and relatives are saying no. but i can't forget her i just want her. i want her to be with me in Dubai also. some say ask my brother if she is rady to divorce her or some say ask her that if he divorce her she marries u or not. i just want her. my future is on stalk. i don't know where i am. i just want her just her i love her much. how i do marry her please tell me.