Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I being ungrateful if I refuse to meet a suitor?

against marriage

Asalamualikum,

I am a 23-year-old medical student from Pakistan and my parents have started to look for potential grooms for me since 2 months ago. They don't want me to stay in Pakistan as the conditions here are getting worse day by day, and my siblings and everyone else is also abroad. Initially they would only consider guys who would be settled abroad but recently they have started to insist on considering guys living here if they are from good families.

I have seen a struggling life here with zero freedom which is why I don't wish to be stuck in the same cycle over again. My father wants me to get married by January next year and now is pressuring me to meet people I don't have my heart and mind in...just because he wants me married by January.

I am not scared of anything but Allah. I want to know if by not considering certain guys I am making Allah angry or is it my right to look for someone I like. People around me keep scaring me that Allah will consider you ungrateful and not send any proposals your way.

MShah

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11 Responses »

  1. Ws

    The advice you're receiving is the silliest thing I ever heard. You have every right to choose who you want to marry and that includes the sort of lifestyle you will have with that person. If the Pakistanis in Pakistan don't cut it then by all means look elsewhere.

    How on earth anyone can suggest you are being ungrateful if you don't look at suitors in Pakistan is beyond me. Its not like you owe anything to these men!

    You are free to choose who you marry, so exercise that freedom. By all means marry someone abroad if that is what you want but please try not to marry a cousin. 70% of Pakistanis marry their cousin which is highly discouraged in Islam and which is the reason Pakistanis have such low iq compared to everyone else.

    • Marrying cousin is not discouraged in Islam.

      Prophet (peace be upon him) married his daughter Fatima to Ali (may Allah be pleased with them) and he is the son of her father's uncle, as well as the marriage of the Prophet himself to Zainab bint Jahsh (may Allah be please with her) and she is his aunt's daughter (i.e. his cousin);

      “Pakistanis have low IQ compared to others because of cousin marriages” is therefore an invalid argument.

      • There is no doubt that cousin marriage is allowed in Islam. However when it happens in succeeding generations, the occurrences of serious birth defects in the children go way, way up. The British Pakistani community has a sky-high rate of birth defects because of this.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • In Quran there is very detailed ayat on who we can marry. If cousin marriages were harmful even slightly we would have been warned but that is not the case. There are many examples of sahabas having cousin marriages. These birth defects could be due to other reasons. I have seen many cousin marriages with no defects in Pakistan and in Saudi Arabia as well.

          • The science of genetic inbreeding is well known and established. The chances of birth defects in the general population are about 3%. With first cousins it goes up to 6%, which is quite a significant jump. When you have two successive generations of first cousin marriages, it goes up to 12%, which is very dangerous. The European royalty were well known for having terrible birth defects because they only married within the family.

            The fact that cousin marriage is halal is irrelevant. Eating sugar is halal, but if you eat too much you will get diabetes. Walking in the sun is halal, but excessive sun exposure can cause skin cancer or glaucoma (the latter is common in the Arabian peninsula).

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • “According to estimates, 4 to 7 percent of the children from first cousins are likely to have birth defects. In comparison, 3 to 4 percent of the children with distantly related parents are likely to have defects.”

            https://www.google.com/amp/s/wjla.com

            Walking in the sun is not necessarily harmful there are factors to it.

            Islam has generalised the kind of food we can eat.

            However, who we can marry is very specific very detailed. All the relations are explained in detail in Quran.

          • It is allowed in Islam. What brother Wael is saying, you are choosing to ignor it. He isn’t saying it’s forbidden. He is saying...”When you have two successive generations of first cousin marriages, it goes up to 12%, which is very dangerous.” There’s a British documentary on YouTube - “My Parents are Cousins”. The British health society wants to inform the risk of cousin marriage because so many Pakistanis produced defeated children and it’s costing governments money, due to successive cousin marriage. The British Pakistanis are all in denial. It has become a cultural tradition to marry your cousin.

  2. I'd say find a middle way
    There are so many guys from pakistan who would want to move abroad with you after marriage. I know so many of them who,in time moved to other countries. just make sure he's educated and has a marketable skill. talk to suitors before marriage if you can and choose one who aspires to go abroad too. avoid big huge joint families

  3. if you don't want to get married purely because you are fearful you may marry someone who you will not be pleased with,
    by marrying someone from your country,

    you should make dua and put your trust in Allah swt, talk to Allah about your concerns and ask him to bless you with a pious Husband, you can have a good dunya and akhira with,
    having regular dialogue with Allah about your feelings will help you to feel more open to considering potential suitors,
    if you find, you might be a good match with a potential suitor, pray salatul istikhara,

    sister, the grass is not always greener on the other side, what if you did marry someone from abroad, they could lead you to having a miserable life in this world and in the next, moving abroad to marry does not come without its problems, even if your marriage is a success, men who take advantage of women, bringing them from back home are well known, as are the stories of suffering, you do not know what this type of marriage could bring you. although this idea seems attractive to you,

    your parents seem genuinely concerned for you as in they are trying to find a spouse who comes from a good family, this shows they have your best interests at heart, put your trust in Allah, he is the giver of rizq and happiness, and the only one who can bless you with a good spouse wheresoever he is.

  4. You are your first priority. Finish medical school. Plan on performing your residency in a country that is known for respecting an individual’s rights. You are right to resist the same cycle as what you have observed and experienced. Life is short. You can serve your faith, your family and the larger community better as a successful doctor rather than as a devastated divorcee.

    There is no shame in expecting to have the freedom to succeed.

  5. Why did this person’s question devolve into a justification to inbreed? That has nothing to do with her struggle with her parent.

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