Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can forgive him, but how can I forget how he cheated?

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

My husband and I were married for 3 months when he was transferred to work in another country and he sent me to stay with my family for three months. But he then went to another job in Russia, and met another woman and committed zina and lied to me.

During the last 6 months, he has not provided me with support, or even spent much time online talking to me.  He said many awful things and told me our marriage was mistake and she was his everything.  My mother died and on that day the other woman contacted me and told me he was living with her for the last 6 months.

I have not seen my husband in 10 months.  He broke it off with her and wants me to forgive him.  I have forgiven him, but I can't seem to get past the fact he was with her longer than me and I am not sure what will happen to us when he comes to the States to live with me now.  I am much older than he is, and she was very young.  I never ever doubted his love for me until this happened.

He says he loves me, but I know he was in love with her.  Can a person be in love with two people at the same time?    How can I learn to trust him again, how can I not think every time we are together that maybe he wishes he was still with her.  I am devastated by this.  I am afraid he will not be happy like he was before.

How can I be certain he is not back to me just because we are married?  Please what should I do?  I love him with all my heart, and I entrusted him with my heart.

- 1happyrockgirl

Tagged as: , , ,

6 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    The only question I have for you is why? Why would you want him? He has already demonstrated to you that he is not worthy of you or your love. Why on earth would you put yourself into a situation whereby he is done playing the field and now he wants to crawl back into your bed? After what? He told you himself that your marriage was a mistake, he has not supported you at that love? He hasn't seen you in ten months and now out of the blue he wants to get back with you? Why? Sounds like he has a motive to me.

    Reg flags are flying high here and you need to open up your eyes and see every one of them. Don't you think you deserve better? I don't care how old you are you not think you are worthy of a better man than someone like this who sleeps around and calls you up when it's convenient for him?! The fact that he has already shown you just how much marriage means to him should be a wake up call to you. Chances are if you take him back, he's just going to end up in someone else's bed. I hope for your sake you smarten up before he ends up hurting you again because that is exactly what lies ahead for you if you do take him back. Allah hu alem.


    • Salam OP,
      I greatly agree with sister Najah. The decision is yours. However, I just want to tell you to have him tested for HIV or other STDs if you plan on getting back with him. I am not being negative but I am more worried for you and your safety. If you think you are strong enough to go back with him, have a sincere discussion with him, lay out boundaries and rules and make sure he get tested before anything. I believe you can pray Isthikarah to have an answer.
      May Allah (S.W) guide you 🙂

  2. its always tough when someone does something so big and then asks for forgiveness, it puts us in a dillema, espeacially if we love them a lot; on one hand we want to trust them again that they have changed, but then at the same time we think but what if they havent. it must be a very difficult time for u sis, and i can understand how insecure u must be feeling.

    talking about age gap, when love is true, and the man actually knows ur value and is mature, then there shouldnt be much of a problem, if he had a problem he shouldnt have married u. dont feel insecure about the age gap, think about Khadija (RA) and Muhammad (pbuh), there was so much love between them. i know some men prefer younger women, but really when love is true and the couple are wise, there shouldnt really be a problem, age is a number, dont feel insecure about that part.

    should u accept him and how to forget what he did? it will take some time perhaps to forget, but in sha Allaah when u see his love u will start to trust him again in sha Allaah.

    but before we start dreaming about the happy married life we need to think of a few other things ...there are two questions in my mind.

    a) what he did was unacceptable, u dont even have kids from him, so should u stay or should u leave?

    b) how to find out if he has changed or not? is spying alright in this case?

    i would advice u to find out what the shariah says about this, i know a woman can leave a husband who fornicates, but since he has asked for forgiveness and made it seem like he has repented, i dont know if u should stay or leave now. this is something that is best to asked from the islamqa or islamweb websites. and ask them if its permissible to spy on him to see if he really has changed or not. if spying on him is allowed, then spy.

    love can be a tough topic, it can be complex. u can actually fall in love more than once, and love two people at the same time too, like in the case of a man who has two wives, so it can depend. however, at the time that ur husband was with that other woman, he clearly didnt have any love for u, because he chose to cheat u by having a haram relation with another woman, and even if one may say that it was just to fulfil his sexual urges, but the fact that he didnt support u when u were in sorrow, and just didnt take any care of u, that shows that at that time he didnt love u, which is sad to say but true 🙁 however, that doesnt mean that just because he didnt love u before that he wont love u now either, sometimes we fall in love after some time passing by. and just because he cohabitated with her doesnt mean he was or is in love with her still. it was nothing but lust, so dont worry about that if u do choose to stay with him.

    i dont know whether to say tou to stay with him or leave, i usually ask scholers about such sensitive and serious matters, i advise u to do so too, and ask them what can u do in this situation. hope this helped sister

  3. Assalamoalyakum sister,

    Well what i can say is he is repenting. He is accepting he cheated and he is asking for forgiveness. Take time for accepting his forgiveness. Check how much he is guilty. What I mean is, is he saying for formality and will do same things again or is he really changed man. Take time to surrender. Dont say u have forgave him. Ask him questions that 1 why he thinks now that he is changed and 2 what he did was wrong( not detail of his physical relation but how he did things which were wrong Islamicly).3 Why was it wrong. 4 how he is liking to repent. 4 what will he do to repent. 5 will he think of such things in future 6 will he b strong enough to not repeat such things. 7 is he totally out of her contact? If he says they r still frnds ask u dont like such relations and he has to leave her.

    Take your own to forgive him. dont be drawn in emotions. Be firm and ask these things maturely. I know things r difficult. He might be crying and bagging u (or will) but ask these questions. Reason behind these questions is if he has ego or if he is just showing offf and is fake that can be revealed with such questions. Ask him really "CALMLY" dont raise your voice. Make him relaise that answering questions truthfully will help u ppl to decide wether to be together or move on.

    Second of all these things, I want to remind u that these emotions u r going through r temporary. I m not demoralizing u but what ever he is, he is yours. Before throwing him out of ur life you have to check if you will b happy enough for doing this. I mean, when we r in relation we act wierdly as there r a lot responsibilities. But when we r out of it, we crave and cry for returning but there is no return. so be calm and act really maturely. try to solve it between you both. If neccessary involve your family or his family. You dont become bitter( or bad) first if needed to talk bitterly let your parents talk with anger.. But that is after those answers. Let your parents( elders) make him understand where and when he was wrong what he should have done at that time. How he should repent....

    If he is stubborn with these things. Sister, make your demands and give that list to him. If he agrees live with him if he doesnt let u both think of this relation with time.. and give it a time.

  4. Assalamualaikum,

    Sister, I'll tell you what happened (as far as I can think)

    He married you and moved away to earn bread. But he had no way to fulfil his desire in a Halaal way. Hence, he committed Zina.

    It is a very huge sin, that has a prescribed punishment in Islam, which is stoning to death. But if he wishes to do Tawbah, then he should turn to Allah. It is upon Him to Forgive him or not. He should anyway hope that Allah Will Forgive him.

    As far as you considering his apology is concerned, according to me, you should give your relationship a chance with a condition that he won't stay away from you or you will go wherever he does. This way, the fitnah will be lessened or even eliminated, in sha Allah.

    How you should trust him again is by understanding that he erred and wishes to repent, (as I can figure from your post). If he is true, you can stay happy again. I am just saying that uou should give it one more try instead of letting it go just like that, with the condition that you stay with him, wherever he may be.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  5. tell him to do an stds testing asap

Leave a Response