Engaged to a Muslim, help me?
Does this work in marriage?
Hello:)
I am a christian woman from North America. I met a Muslim man online about 3 years ago. We became very very close friends and eventually we fell in love. We talked about one day getting married and started to even make plans about this.
Eventually I was so In love that I took a year off from my university and moved across the world so I could be closer to him. It was perfect! I loved him more and more every day.. every moment. He takes his religion very seriously, and as do I. We both respect and love each other so much that we would spend hours each day studying each others religion. At times I wish I could convert to Islam, but I do not find it as truth although I do respect it and even follow rules in it (I wear Hijab to respect him, and eat Halal.. etc)
He eventually proposed to me and vowed before me and God that he would always love me and take care of me as his wife, and that he would rather die than break my heart and leave me.
I had to return back to my country a few months later but was filled with the hope of my life with him. We even prepared the marriage papers:)
All was well until we reached Ramadan (once again... to respect him I participate in the fasting of Ramadan with Muslims) He started to get more religious and would spend all nights and days in the mosque,and would completely neglect me. Maybe I would get one sms a week from him. This is all. I told myself this was alright, it was like trying to plan a date on Christmas day for me! I just needed to be patient. After it he was not the same though.. he no longer called me nice names, or told me good things. He uses the word "my friend" Instead of "my love" so I asked him if there was something wrong.. he said no. I just kept on loving him.. supporting him..respecting him. I even still tried to keep in contact with his sisters and would write to them and send them small gifts from my country:)
Then one day he told me he needed a break from me. I asked him the reason so that maybe I can fix it.. he is my best friend and usually we talk about everything together. He would not even tell me one thing. I was sooo hurt! I cried for days! That was about 3 months ago.. all he would say is he is so confused and that he needed time. So I was and am respecting that.
At first his parents were so against him marrying me.. they said that they would not call him their son anymore and stuff like that.. but eventually his father said that if we waited another two years he would even dance at our wedding.
The only thing I can think of is the problem with religion.. because the change happened right at Ramadan. Someone help me please! I need to know what I can do. Now he is saying he is too confused and does not know what to do with me? He has not even broken the engagement yet. He says he loves me but is soooo cold to me.He never talks to me. I promised to always be with him... so I am keeping my promise and keep on encouraging him, helping him, trying to keep him happy and feeling loved.
But I do not know what to do!! someone help me! I am trying to support him. But in my eyes I am his love! he even would call me his wife and stuff but we did make vows to be together.(of course we were not physical because it is against both of our religions) My insides are dying. Should I keep on waiting? Is he too afraid to tell me it is over? Maybe he feels too much guilt? He is just dragging me along and the more time that passes the more hurt I feel.I really want to be with him and know that I can make him happy:) I know Islam well, and I know christian wives are allowed. I also know that the a Muslim wife is better and there will not be as much harmony in the home etc.
Does anyone have any advice. I just sit and cry all the time.. I feel like someone has removed half of my body. I am so gentle with him, I gave him ways out if he wanted them.. but still he is in the "I am confused and do not know what to do stage" is this because of religion?? We talked so much about the difference in our religions and came up with compromises that made us both happy (and did not go against our beliefs) for all the problems. I am trying to be patient but it just hurts so much? Am I following an empty dream? Advice please... 🙁
The hurting girl,
- K.
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Hello there!
It's been quite a while since Ramadan, so how has he been behaving the past few months? Perhaps he has realized that he has technically been doing the wrong thing so long, by having a "girlfriend," so to speak.. Did you both do nikkah, meaning an Islamic wedding? Any sorts of physical contact, even if not a lot, is considered haram, or forbidden. Maybe he realized that he was sinning. I'm sorry, I don't think nobody can really know for sure what the reason is. You have to communicate with him, and tell him you really need to talk. Hopefully he will be straight out with you. Wish you the best!
Peace be with you,
Tell him to be clear to you, both of you are between two worlds right now, and that brings you a neverending suffering, you deserve him to be clear to you, it doesn´t matter the reason he choose, but you deserve him to be straight to you, insha´Allah.
What I know about begining a relationship between man and woman, a muslim is not allowed to email in an intimate way if they are not married, not even to have a friendship between man and woman through email, all of that is haram. The other thing is that if a man is interested in a woman he will get close to her family, not to her directly, once she approves, they can talk with someone witnessing the encounter, it is not allowed dating.
Then he knows all of this, and many other things I don´t know, but if he didn´t tell you any of this and was open to you to visit him in his country and meet his family, ......I don´t think it was fare to you, just my opinion.
The other fact here is that any of his family opposed to your marriage, he would have an interior fight, because he has to respect his family and going against them will cause him a tough conflict.
I doesn´t seem you knew any of this facts, but if you did you were swimming against the current and now you are full of bruises for that.
Ask him to be clear to you, you know already the straight steps, he should tell you and not letting go so far, and even now, he knows about your suffering then you need a yes or a no, this "maybe" is not healthy for none of you. He knew all the rules, I see his suffering too, this situation it is not fare for none of you.
Please, take care of yourself, finish your degree, .... you are conscious of the straight path now.
Things that are done with consciousness and are haram don´t let you be in peace, they are disturbing, and brings guilt, I believe you love and respect him too much to support something that goes against his Heart.
All my unconditional love and respect,
María
Firstly - I am sorry you are struggling in this difficult time. But remember - all struggles and trials are from God; it hurts now, there is no doubt about it, but it is how we learn to be humbled and get closer to our Lord.
This is clearly a tricky situation. 'Love' is one of those things which seems to surpass all sorts of priorities in life, and here, one of those priorities seems to be faith itself.
Of course, no one will know but the man himself, but perhaps his sudden withdrawal is down to a lot of thinking about his faith. Whilst he may respect you and your beliefs, and you his, the very fundementals of both of your beliefs contradict the 'love' you apparently have for eachother.
This may hurt to hear, but you must think about this: could you really be happy with a man who, by your own beliefs, you believe is going against God? Christian practice means to take Jesus as part of the trinity - something which would be considered Paganism and blasphemy from an Islamic perspective (since Islam teaches, as does the old testament (Judaism) that there is only One God and He has no partners and cannot be begotten, nor does He beget. Jesus is loved in Islam, but as a prophet and not an incarnation of God).
In very basic, stripped down and raw language: due to each of your respective beliefs, you would believe your man would not go to heaven, and he would believe that you would not go to heaven. You can see this already is a difficulat scenario. And than add the possibility of children, should you become married... Growing up in a household where two contradicting 'truths' are floating about will cause great upset. Both of you will want your children to follow the truth, and be with God, but you both can't be happy at the same time.
If you feel that you cannot accept Islam as truth, then you do not accept this man to be of truth either. Similarly, if he doesn't accept Christianity as truth, he will not see you to be of truth either.
I suppose it comes down to a very difficult decision of deciding which you love more: this man, or your faith.
If you truly feel your heart to be close to this man, then listen to it - perhaps learn a bit more about Islam (and when I say that, I mean about its fundemental truths - submission to God as One and you his humble servant, the true messages of His mercy and grace and love in Islam - not just the traditional or cultural or 'minor detail' aspects).
If you feel your heart is attached more to your beliefs as a Christian, then you must break it off.
It is, in theory, simple. Of course, in actuality, it is a complex scenario.
I wish you all the best and may God bless you and make this easy for you.
K, I do feel sympathy for you, as from your perspective you have done nothing wrong. In fact you have been extraordinarily patient and cooperative.
I can tell you exactly what is going on, or what I strongly suspect. The fast of Ramadan, and the time he spent in the mosque praying, reading Quran and contemplating, woke up him to a few things.
You said that you and he talked about the religious differences and reached compromises. But a true Muslim does not compromise his religion, and maybe your fiance has realized that.
Secondly, maybe he realized that he wants a woman who will do the salat with him (the Islamic prayer); learn Quran with him, and generally support and encourage him as a Muslim, not just out of respect for his faith, but because she truly believes in it.
Thirdly, there is the question of the children. Maybe this occurred to him on his own, or maybe someone pointed it out to him. What will the religion of the children be? Even if you agree to raise them as Muslims, will you change your mind down the road when it actually comes down to it? Will you help to raise them as Msulims, and teach them Islam? How you can do you do that when you do not believe in it yourself? Won't it be very confusing for them?
I think your fiance has awakened to the realization that for a religious Muslim who is serious about his faith, and strives to grow closer to Allah and raise an Islamic family, marrying a non-Muslim woman simply does not work.
Now he's in the stage where he knows what he has to do, but he does not have the willpower to break your heart, or maybe he does not have the courage yet to tell you outright. I wish he were brave and could tell you honestly what's going on. But I can tell you with little doubt that this relationship is over.
I'm sorry to tell you that, since like I said, from your end you were very patient and understanding with him. But I do believe that it's over now. As Maria said, ask him to speak to you honestly and tell you what's going on. If he has the courage to tell you then ma-sha-Allah; if not, then it's time for you to make a clean break and try to move on, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
He may have thought about the consequences which he will have to face in the future,
he maybe wanting a religious wife now ,who would support him in the matters of islam. .
and yes as brother wael said, maybe he would have had thought about childrens too, as what religion will they follow and what will be the effect of this marriage on them. .
my advice to you would be that research more about Islam and understand and follow it. .
I would like to make you understand few things first. .,
1) ALLAH is the Arabic word for "God." Whenever Muslims mention ALLAH, they are simply referring to the one true God. In fact, even non-Muslim Arabs such as Christian Arabs use the word Allah to refer to God.
2) and we believe in Jesus(peace be upon him ) too. .
Jesus(pbuh) was one of the prophet of ALLAH. .
Even in the bible it is mentioned that Jesus(pbuh) was a prophet. .
Matthew 21:11
New International Version (©1984)
The crowds answered, "This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee."
Luke 24:19
English Standard Version (©2001)
And he said to them, “What things?” And they said to him, “Concerning Jesus of Nazareth, a man who was a prophet mighty in deed and word before God and all the people,
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inshaALLAH may ALLAH guide you towards the truth. .
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and do reply what happened in your life. . I want to know