He is engaged to a Muslim girl but wants me to stay with him
I am an Asian Christian woman, and am working in UAE. I have a BF for 3 years now who is Muslim. In our 3-years we have ups and downs, we quarrel a lot but still end up together. Last December, he had his vacation, but we still have communication.. 3 days before he came back, he told me he was forced by his mom to get engaged to one muslim girl in their hometown.
At first, I don't know what to feel.. When he came back, he told the whole story, he said he don't love the girl, he was just forced by his mom. And he is still not sure yet when hell get married, most probably next year.
So, since, it still far, we continued the relationship. I don't know but the situation of his being engaged changed him a lot. Now, he is more honest, kind, sweet and caring to me. We even see each other more often now than before.
Sometimes, he will open up to me, what happened to him and his fianace. If they had some fight or if they talked and what they talked about. I know it's a good thing, as he is being open to me... But sometimes, i still think of.. stopping this relationship as... i know in the end.. we.. i.. still ended up nothing... he will still marry her 🙁
But, every time i will tell him.. i want to stop.. he will tell me.. Why? Don't think about it.... It is still far. You are with me.. we are. happy together all the time. Her? she is far from me.. we don't talk that much, sometimes if we will talk, i would even shout on her. And i feel guilty when I am doing that to her... but.... just think that u're more luckier than her.
But... yesterday.. when he talked to her mom, his mom told him that his engaged called her and told her that he is not calling her. So, he asked permission from me and he called her. When they're talking, i can hear him laughing... he sounds happy.. and i felt hurt hearing them. After they talked.. he said Sorry to me for calling her. On the other hand, i also felt guilty for being selfish.. and am thinking... she have more right now that i am... so why should i feel hurt??
Now.. am so confused.. I really don't know what to do.. I have so many questions in my mind.. as I do loved him so much... that i cannot let him be far from me.
But what else can I do? Is there a possibility that even if they're already engaged.. he can still refuse and not to get married?
Is there chances.. that i can just marry him (he already asked me before he got engaged but am confused that time).. but i think am ready to say Yes now.
So.. please help me...
- GIJADE
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To be honest with you...it sounds like he's one of the many idiots who pretend like he loves a girl, but never even had an intention in the first place to get married to her - they just want a bit of fun and lie through their teeth to get it. It's not a new thing. Ask yourself if a truly decent man asks a woman to remain with him until he can't use her for anything anymore. Ask yourself what kind of man allows a woman to sin for 3 years - if he really cared about you, he would have married you years ago to protect you both from sinning (pre-marital relationship). If I were you, I'd run as far away from this man as I can and let the "lucky girl", his fiancée, have him. If he really wanted to marry you, he has every opportunity to say no to the marriage his family has planned for him - especially as a Muslim man; he doesn't even need his parents permission to marry.
He seriously asks you why you want to leave him? Are you kidding me? Next time the plonker asks you that, you tell him, "I want to leave you, because I'm not your temporary toy and there's obviously no future or seriousness to be found in your direction. Sorry, but I don't want to waste my time on a joker like you anymore. Bye!". You say you can't leave him be, because you love him...that's just something you're convincing yourself, because you have emotions, time and memories invested in this guy. But if you don't leave him yourself, he's teh one who'll be leaving you. So in either way, you'll have to learn to be without him. And it's not that hard, really. People come and go in to your love, there're millions of other men out there but him. Who won't tell you to play with them until they don't want you anymore.
Do the right thing by yourself and forget about this guy. He's no good for you.
Dear sister,
First of all, I do not know why any woman would tolerate this behaviour from a man regardless of religion--so please do some soul-searching because you do NOT DESERVE this.
2ndly, there is no such thing as bf/gf in Islam, so this relationship is haram (forbidden) and he knows it!
3rdly, as a Muslim,
* Your boyfriend could marry you since you are Christian.
* Your boyfriend is allowed to marry both you and his fiance simultaneously--I mention this because you seem to accept his current relationship and think him opening up is a good thing--but he shouldn't be discussing his relationship with her with you and vice versa. Interestingly, I am sure he hasn't mentioned you to her-how fair is that?
You should not tolerate being used and you are blatantly being used to fulfill his desires and lack of companionship and he will replace you once he is married. I am sure he will, otherwise, he would make plans to marry you and her. He is very selfish and has no backbone because what kind of "man" is "forced" (LOL) to marry a girl (with whom he laughs and jokes on the phone) by his mother and then continues a haram relationship. He knows full well what he is doing and is only telling you what you want to hear to keep.
I believe you should plan the following:
*Immediately tell him that you will no longer be availabe to entertain him and his desires until he gets married (sounds like he wants to keep you as a mistress). He may marry you as the ONLY option to continue to have you in his life (though I don't think such a man is good husband-material considering how he is using you).
*Please study Islam and I invite you to consider becoming a Muslim. Islam protects women's rights and does not promote using women the way your bf has.
dear sister.
dont judge islam sister by the action of such muslim man learn islam,u convert or not thats a different thing ;.yes its really hard to leave someone with whom u have emotional attachment with.i left my 3 years relationship because its haram but my bf was nice..ask this man directly what does he want.ur not a toy to play around...if u stick to him till his marriage to another girl that will lead to serious mental trauma n it may happen that when he'll have fight with her he'll come to u n when things will b fine he'll go back -all i mean u will b a mistress of his n as ppl say "the other woman". u deserve better u deserve to b treated as queen because u are precious.and that treatment u'll get from a real man.TALK TO HIM DIRECTLY ASK HIM IF HE WILL MARRY U OR NOT>IF HE WILL THEN MAKE SURE HE TELLS THE OTHER GIRL AS WELL because thats cheating as well rite?he must have promisesd the other girl as well.if he says no he'll not marry u then walk out right then .if he still nags n makes u stay by forcing u emotionally threaten himby saying u'll call that girl n his mother. n he will loose both ways,
PLZ DONT THINK ISLAM TO B LIKE THIS,ISLAM PROVIDES WOMEN WITH SUCH HIGH STATUS THAT EVEN HEAVEN LIES UNDER HER FEET.HEAVEN WHICH IS PROMISED TO EVERY BELIEVER.im not a convert but i've discovered islam recently.. i have start practicing now n understand this is nothing but truth...dont give out ear to cnn or bbc news i beg u not to.dont judge islam by the action of some deviated muslims
Hello sister,
I totally agree with all the comments above.
Also i would like to say that very honestly i feel that IF that guy really loves you then he would have told his parents about you. I mean i would have done that or any guy whose serious about a girl would have done that.
Also, A Muslim cannot marry a Non-Muslim girl so he would have told that you will have to convert to Islam if you want to marry him.
And he would have never agreed for the engagement if he truly loves you. No matter how much his mother or anyone would have pressurized him he would never have agreed IF his really serious about YOU.
He should have told his fiance that he loves you and i am sure his fiance would have ended this engagement.
Only hope is that he should convince his parents to get married to you and end the engagement. Then everything should be fine. But he should not hide from his parents
If he has not done all this then i highly doubt that he will EVER marry you or is SERIOUS about you.
If i am not wrong you are from Filipina. You sound like a honest and good person. I would suggest you that you end this relationship because like you said it will lead NO where.
You don't want to have affair with him through out your life right, you want to marry him, have kids, etc.
I know that you really love him and its really difficult to end a relationship and move on in life...
His not a good person or a good Muslim.
I know of a guy who use to like a filipina. He married her. Didn't continue affair for so long. This guy told his parents, made them agree, the girl converted and they married. And now they have 2 kids and are happily married.
This is what should happen if the guy is really serious.
If i am not wrong he wants to keep a wife in home country and keep you here. He would never tell his parents about you and would never tell his wife also about you. And with you he would just keep on saying that his forced to marry her.
NO ONE CAN FORCE A TRUE LOVER TO MARRY SOMEONE WHOM HE DOESN'T LOVE.
Lastly the decision is in your hands, Don't make a emotional decision but a logical decision.
PLEASE DON'T HURT YOURSELF BY CONTINUING THIS RELATIONSHIP. I AM SURE IT WILL CAUSE YOU A LOT MORE PAIN IN FUTURE.
IN ISLAM BF/GF AFFAIRS ARE NOT ALLOWED BECAUSE IT CAUSES A LOT OF PAIN AND MOST OF THE CASES THE LOVERS NEVER GET MARRIED.
So GOD wants to protect you from this PAINFUL experience.
All the best.