Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He pressured me to have sex, but I love him

Unhappy young woman

Pressured for sex and now feeling guilty

Question:

I am 18 years old and up until now i havent been in a relationship before.
Me and my partner have been together now for over a year and i felt a lilttle pressured into sexual activities yet im in love with him and i thought i will marry him because we had talked about it.
But because he is bengali and i am paki he realised he couldnt get married to me because his family wouldnt allow it.
Hes young too and i think he wasnt thinking when he convinced me to do sexual things with him.
I feel totally guilty and disgusted but i do love him and do want to marry him. I just dont see how we can or how i can let my mum agree.
I know what we did was a mistake and after all of this i have realised i made a mistake by getting involved sexually, but at the time i did feel as though we were going to get married.
I dont know what to do now because i have given most part of my body to him (not ALL of it) and i cant be ever comfortable with another man. it would kill me.
what do i do? Allah wont forgive me.

- Farzana

Sister Z's Answer:

Asalaamualaikum Farzana,

Committing Zina/having sexual relations outside of marriage is an extremely major sin. You said that you thought you were going to marry this guy - this does not lessen the enourmity of the sin Sister. Continuing these wrong deeds will cause you only grief.

Firstly you need to make a full effort to refrain from this major sin and also refrain from anything that may lead to committing this sin again. When I say this, I mean, it is in your best interests to cut contact with this person as at the moment you are both too weak to remain within halaal limits. Going past limits does not just refer to sexual relations. It consists of all the things that are associated with the 'dating game'.

Secondly, you must do tawbah sincererly and the first step towards tawbah is to realise the enourmity of the sin and to feel immense guilt. What if Allah decides to take your soul before you have repented or while you are committing this sin? What will you do Farzana? It will be too late by then. So turn to Allah now, vow never to return to this sin again and ask Him to forgive you and Protect you from your desires and from the desires of your 'boyfriend'.

You said: "Allah wont forgive me." This is completely wrong. Of course Allah will forgive you if you repent sincerely. Allah is The Most Merciful, The Most Compassionate. There are hundreds of ayahs in the Quran talking about Allah's Mercy.

"Say: 'O My slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." [Soorah az-Zumar (39): 53]

It is clear that you are weak in eemaan at the moment, furthermore you are very young and 'blindly in-love'. I do not want to undermine your feelings for this person, but what are your claims for 'loving' this person based on Farzana? Make a list of all the reason why you claim to love him and why you think he will be a good spouse for you. Why do you actually want to marry him - apart from the fact that you have had sexual relations with him? Because that is not a reason to marry.

In your own words he convinvced you to have sexual relations with him and whilst doing so, he knew he would not be able to marry you easily. He seems to me to be an irresponsible 'boy' as are many other guys out there who take life flippantly, enjoy their desires and then move on.

Farzana, as a Muslim woman, I believe that our Prophet Muhammed (saw) is the best example of a husband. Obviously thats a very high standard to reach, but we can try to look at the beautiful traits that he(saw) had and compare them to anyone we look at as a potential spouse. We want our husband to be strong in eemaan, truthful, patient, kind, trustworthy...and able to control his sexual desires and lower his gaze.

I would say that at the moment, your best interests lie strongly in moving away from this person, tell him that you need to re-establish your link with Allah and strengthen your eemaan. Only then will you be strong enough to make the right decision about choosing a good marriage partner. And when we choose a spouse - he should be of good deen and character. If your boyfriend also repents and comes towards deen wholeheartedly, then I would say - consider him; but in a halaal manner.

Lastly - you raised the issue of a mixed cultural marriage. If you are strong in your deen and have valid reason to marry this person, then maybe you will feel stronger about approaching your mother about this aspect. This can be dealt with as and when - but right now I believe your priority needs to focus on tawbah and strengthening your eemaan.

Try to keep good company. Attend some halaqa classes.

As always I will say - that when our love of something or someone takes us past the limits set by Allah, then that means there is something majorly wrong with that so called 'love'. In my opinion, if we love something enough that it leads us to commit haraam - it is indirect shirk and should not be taken lightly.

At this point, we need to stop and question our purpose of life....is it to serve Allah or to serve our desires...?

And Allah knows best.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.

(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.

Best regards,

Sister Z, Editor
IslamicAnswers.com


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6 Responses »

  1. Asalaamualaikum Farzana,

    Committing Zina/having sexual relations outside of marriage is an extremely major sin. You said that you thought you were going to marry this guy - this does not lessen the enourmity of the sin Sister. Continuing these wrong deeds will cause you only grief.

    Firstly you need to make a full effort to refrain from this major sin and also refrain from anything that may lead to committing this sin again. When I say this, I mean, it is in your best interests to cut contact with this person as at the moment you are both too weak to remain within halaal limits. Going past limits does not just refer to sexual relations. It consists of all the things that are associated with the 'dating game'.

    Secondly, you must do tawbah sincererly and the first step towards tawbah is to realise the enourmity of the sin and to feel immense guilt. What if Allah decides to take your soul before you have repented or while you are committing this sin? What will you do Farzana? It will be too late by then. So turn to Allah now, vow never to return to this sin again and ask Him to forgive you and Protect you from your desires and from the desires of your 'boyfriend'.

    You said: "Allah wont forgive me." This is completely wrong. Of course Allah will forgive you if you repent sincerely. Allah is The Most Merciful, The Most Compassionate. There are hundreds of ayahs in the Quran talking about Allah's Mercy.

    “Say: 'O My slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Soorah az-Zumar (39): 53]

    It is clear that you are weak in eemaan at the moment, furthermore you are very young and 'blindly in-love'. I do not want to undermine your feelings for this person, but what are your claims for 'loving' this person based on Farzana? Make a list of all the reason why you claim to love him and why you think he will be a good spouse for you. Why do you actually want to marry him - apart from the fact that you have had sexual relations with him? Because that is not a reason to marry.

    In your own words he convinvced you to have sexual relations with him and whilst doing so, he knew he would not be able to marry you easily. He seems to me to be an irresponsible 'boy' as are many other guys out there who take life flippantly, enjoy their desires and then move on.

    Farzana, as a Muslim woman, I believe that our Prophet Muhammed (saw) is the best example of a husband. Obviously thats a very high standard to reach, but we can try to look at the beautiful traits that he(saw) had and compare them to anyone we look at as a potential spouse. We want our husband to be strong in eemaan, truthful, patient, kind, trustworthy...and able to control his sexual desires and lower his gaze.

    I would say that at the moment, your best interests lie strongly in moving away from this person, tell him that you need to re-establish your link with Allah and strengthen your eemaan. Only then will you be strong enough to make the right decision about choosing a good marriage partner. And when we choose a spouse - he should be of good deen and character. If your boyfriend also repents and comes towards deen wholeheartedly, then I would say - consider him; but in a halaal manner.

    Lastly - you raised the issue of a mixed cultural marriage. If you are strong in your deen and have valid reason to marry this person, then maybe you will feel stronger about approaching your mother about this aspect. This can be dealt with as and when - but right now I believe your priority needs to focus on tawbah and strengthening your eemaan.

    Try to keep good company. Attend some halaqa classes.

    As always I will say - that when our love of something or someone takes us past the limits set by Allah, then that means there is something majorly wrong with that so called 'love'. In my opinion, if we love something enough that it leads us to commit haraam - it is indirect shirk and should not be taken lightly.

    At this point, we need to stop and question our purpose of life....is it to serve Allah or to serve our desires...?

    • "when our love of something or someone takes us past the limits set by Allah, then that means there is something majorly wrong with that so called 'love'. In my opinion, if we love something enough that it leads us to commit haraam - it is indirect shirk and should not be taken lightly."
      SubhanAllah! This sentence really caught my attnetion and made me ponder for a bit. JazakAllah for the excellent quote, sisterZ!

      -Helping Sister

  2. Sister, its never too late to get respectable - and you know, you win nothing at all by giving yourself in this way.
    MashaAllah, its good that you feel guilty and you feel the burden of the consqeuences to your actions, but accompanying that guilt should be a renewed strength to be the woman that you deserve to be, and indeed should be.

    I cant say it enough: don't disrespect yourself in this way - because it will lead to low self esteem from you. Especially if this guy doesnt hang around afterwards.

    You can stop this right now, and you have the power - of course you have the power. You are woman, you are holder of the key, its at your feet where heaven will lie for your children one day inshaAllah. You are so so important that at your tender age, probably you cannot yet realise.

    If he's around for "that" - and you stop, and he marries you - you win.
    If he's around for "that" - and you stop, and he leaves - you win.

    You cannot lose by doing the right thing and restoring your self respect. It may not feel like that in the throes of love - but that is the truth.

    Peace be with you,

    Jasmine x

  3. Hi my name is Sanaa and I am 16 years old. I am in college and I am doing great. However, I have a major secret in my life. I have been having an affair with my cousin's husband since I was 12. I had no feelings for him at the age of 12 but slowly as we came close I started to develop feelings for him and now I really love him. I have had sexual relations with him but that's because I really have strong feelings for him. I did get pregnant with his baby last year too but I lost my Imran as I had a miscarraige after 5 months. Maybe Allah was punishing me for my wrong doings. I am still with him though and I really love him and we both want to be together and even marry but I am scared as he has a family with my cousin and I don't want to break his family apart. I don't know what to do so please can someone help me. I am not a 'strict' Muslim and nor is he, but I do believe in Allah and I am feeling guilty for what I am doing and have done. Please will someone help me.

    • Sanaa, please log in and write your question as a separate post. I have a lot of advice I want to give you, so please write it up as a post, and we'll publish it Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Hi Wael, am trying to register but there's a maths equation and am pretty sure am getting it correct but its not letting me register. Any advice on what to do.

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