Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I make him leave me alone?

domestic violence husband father

I wasn't born and raised into an Islamic family. For the past several months I have been reading about Islam and trying to learn Surahs and Arabic. It’s going at a very slow rate but InshAllah I will get there. The reason I am here today writing this is because I need guidance and help. I’ve tried to deal with this myself but it has only gotten worse and more dangerous.

As I explained, I wasn’t raised as a Muslim, so having a boyfriend was a normal thing. I had my first and only serious relationship when I was 18. He was my best friend. We thought we fell in love. It was amazing. But after a while things didn’t work out. He became controlling and very violent. I didn’t mind the control, I didn’t mind not wearing certain clothes or going certain places or seeing certain people. He was my boyfriend and I respected him so I would listen to him to make him happy. But it got to the point where I wasn’t allowed to go out with my brother, even though my brother is 31 years old, I wasn’t allowed to go up the road to the shops, even though there was nothing in my house and I needed to go food shopping. He cut all my friends out. The only person I was allowed to see was him. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere or do anything.

These things I could deal with because it came gradually and I got used to having no life other than him. They used to make me cry and feel like I had nothing, no one, no life, no choice, no power, no freedom. But I could deal with it because I believed that he was a good guy and I truly cared for him. He used to hit me once in a while. A slap here and there when he got really angry. Even though I would never provoke him or get rude or answer back. But then it got really bad. He started punching me, kicking me, in the face, in the stomach, wherever he could. I eventually ended it because it got too much.

He kept trying to get back with me for about 4 months but I didn’t want anything to do with him. After about 8/9 months we started seeing each other again. The biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I regret it so much. It’s my own fault. I should have stayed away from him. I should have known he would never change.

I don’t know how to say this. It’s difficult to word. Especially because it sounds so unbelievable. We started seeing each other, he hit me a few times, REALLY bad, I wanted to end it, but he wouldn’t let me… I’m not allowed to leave. He says it’s up to him. He says I will leave when he says I can leave. He beat me up so bad last week. My nose is swollen, I have bruises everywhere.. I’m so scared of him. He hates my brother and my mum. He said he will kill them. I’ve told my 2 best friends about this. They say no he won’t or go to the police. But I know him. When he says he will do something, he does it. And it has been proven to me. He says he will beat me up if I don’t listen to him.

I don’t want him to leave more bruises on me. I’ve ran out of excuses with my family. If my family find out, it will only cause more problems. If I go to the police, he will send people to my house. I know to some people this sounds very dramatic. I’m 20 now. So is he. He says that I broke his heart. He says that I need to pay for it if I leave. And he will make me pay for it if I don’t listen to him. That there will be consequences. That I will regret it.

I've never been so scared in my life. I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do. I feel so powerless. There’s times where I feel like taking my own life because I don’t want my family to be in danger because of my stupid mistakes. I just want him to leave me alone.

I hope and pray to Allah that the pain he feels because of me will go away. I hope he finds happiness. I hope he can move on from all this. I hope and pray to Allah to protect my mother and my brother from any harm. I hope that he will let me go.

- anon9872

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , ,

31 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister, Asalaamualaykum,

    I am very concerned about you. What you have described of this man is the behaviour of a very dangerous stalker, he has been severely physically violent towards you several times and he has made threats to you and your family, his threats should not be taken lightly. Which is why you must report this to the Police. They will be experienced in dealing with such cases.

    Can you tell me which country you reside in? Please do write back.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswer.com Editor

    • The only reason I am sharing this is because this is anonymous. When me and him were together, somewhere in the middle of the relationship he told me what he used to do once in a while for some money. He told me he used to beat people up. I didn't think much of it because I thought maybe he was showing off or something. He also told me he killed someone once. Again, I thought maybe he thought it was a cool thing and he was showing off. Every now and then he'd go away on 'jobs' with some really big muscley guys and within a week or so he'd have a lot of money. I thought maybe it was drugs or something. But then I'd see he's got loads of bruises on his knuckles and they'd be really swollen. I questioned him about it and he said 'i told you what I do..'

      Someone calls him, gives him an address, he goes and beats the person up with his friends or colleagues, or monsters as I like to call them. He beats people up for a living. His friends kill people for a living.

      If I call put him in a prison cell, if he even finds out that I've called the police on him, I know he will send people to my house. Because his mum will throw him out of the house and he will lose his CIA badge for security. So he will be jobless and homeless and take all that anger out on me.

      I know going to the police seems like the logical thing to do as they are here to protect us but it's hard when it comes to a person like this.

      I've asked for advice but I'm not taking any of it and I know that may seem foolish to all of you but I know him and I know what he's capable of. I don't know what I was looking for when I came and asked for advice. It's such a scary feeling, being powerless and fearing for you and your family's safety because of a heartbroken little boy who doesn't know how to deal with his emotions and only knows how to use his fists.

      For the past 2 days I've been reading more of the quran and I am so shocked but he seems to have calmed down a little bit. Maybe this is Allah's way of showing me his power if only I pray more and become the muslim I am supposed to be. I don't know if that makes sense..

      Thank you all for your advice. Deep down I know going to the police is the right thing to do, but I don't want to put my family at risk. Even if there's only a 10% he will do something to them, I don't want to put them in danger.

    • I live in the UK.

  2. Sister he is the worst kind of Bully and you should tell the police and your family he wont kill anyone because he is a Coward who can only hit women and people weaker than him , just deal with the police tell your family not to contact him or his family, keep a record of all the times he has hit you, you don't have to put up with this its your choice you are prolonging this situation deal with it today don't take one more day of abuse, And sister you are a Muslim do not cheapen yourself your dignity for any man go back to your deen respect yourself if you don't no one else will,

    • Salamoalaikum,
      You are a Muslim, either marry the guy or end this haraam relationship. Make sincere tauba and repent daily. Allah swt always listens and answers prayers, even if it isn't the answer that we prefer, the only power you should be scared of is the Almighty Allah swt. There is no might or power except with Allah. Put all your belief, faith and being in that fact and carry it with you every min of every day. I promise you, you will be untouchable. If anything happens to you it to anyone I'm your family , say Alhamdulillah and be happy with what Allah swt has ordained for you.
      This is where bring a Muslim makes a difference, as we as Muslims look to the hereafter and the success there not of this world as a priority.
      Let your imam be your weapon, your courage and your might..there is no power except Allah swt. The biggest of tyrants have fallen just at the mention of Allah swt.
      Don't be scared to die, be scared of what will happen after you die.
      Put your iman above every other priority, this includes your mom , brother, or anyone.
      Keep reading the Quran, and you are right I'm your observatoon, the Quran will give you counsel, guidance, courage, and patience. The Quran will also clearly tell you what to do and trust me when you will see the advice coming from the quran, you will have no fear acting upon it as the advice is from Allah swt, the all powerful, all wise.

  3. OMG.this man is totally crazy you have to do something about it.you have to tell the police and your family, they will protect you from him and I ask Allah to save you from this man.

  4. Astagfirullah, sister you must go and tell the police and let your family know. Tell the police every single deatil and they will protect your family and you and if they have to they will put your guys in a safe house. I know this will be hard for you to do but please sister you have to tell the police. You don't know what his gna do and it might be to late, tell the police straight away sister and please keep us updated on what's happening. In shaa Allah it all gets better for yoy sister and I pray Allah keeps you safe x

  5. Go to the police ASAP this is not a joke at all, insallah Allah be with you and your family sister.

  6. Salam sister,
    I have a friend who went through something similer, the guy use to say he will harm her family and she was scared for them so did not do anything to make him angry or upset him, but lived in fear.

    This guy didnt allow her to have contact with the outside world and also had her email passwords and her phone. The reason this guy does not let you have contact with your family and friends is because he knows they will find out the way he treats you and will advice you to leave him and may even tell the police. If he wasnt scared of the police he would not hide you away.

    It is going to be very hard for you but huny call the police and get help, thats what my friend did, the guy was in shock, because he thought he had made her weak and broke her down and controlled her so she wouldnt be brave enough to seek help, but she eventually did get help.It has been a few months now and he has left her alone and did nothing to her family, he has since tried to apologize to her through other people.

    You are a victim and have done nothing wrong, have faith in allah be strong sister, Allah will inshallah protect you and your loved ones. If you be confindent and show this guy hes pathetic for the way he treats you, if you let him get away with hes ill behaviour he will carry on You need your familiy and friends around you to help and support you, dont let this guy take them away from you.

    I pray inshallah you read all these post and feel you are not alone, there is a lot of help out there, please dont suffer in silence.

    I pray allah makes your strong and you fight back by seeking help and phone the police once you talk to someone it will make you feel better, there are many options available, they will work with you and protect you inshallah.

    Allah hafiz I wil pray for you inshallah.

    • Thank you for your prayers.

      I only replied to the first post because you're all telling me to go to the police and I didn't want to repeat myself.
      He's different to most guys. If you read my reply to the first post, and see what he does for a living, that's what stops me from going to the police.

      I'm just hoping and praying and InshAllah my prayers will be answered and Allah will protect us and even help him. On the outside he's a monster but deep down, wayyyy down there somewhere, there's a nice guy. InshAllah he will come back. Not for me but for himself. To become a better person and let go of all the anger and pain and bitterness inside of him.

      • Anon9872,

        You are only 'hoping' that he will become a better person. When all logic screams otherwise. You are allowing your heart to overtake your sense of reasoning.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • I don't want him to become a better person so that I can be with him. I am hoping that he will become a better person so that he will leave me alone and stop being the monster he has become. I know he has done wrong to me, a lot of wrong, but that doesn't mean I should wish the worst for him. Just because I am hoping for him to become better, doesn't mean that I am allowing my heart to overtake my sense of reasoning. At the end of the day, he is a human being, and no matter how much he has done to me, I will never hope anything bad to happen to him, or any other human being in this world. I am hoping he will see sense in what he is doing. I would rather hope for now, than to come home to police and ambulance with my family laying down dead on the floor. This may not sound believable or realistic to some, but that is what he is capable of doing. And if some of you think I am stupid for not going to the police, then so be it. I'd rather be stupid and know that my family is safe. Like I said, for now. Isn't it better to pray for a bad person and to hope that they become a better person? Right now, to me, that seems to be the only option I have. Until I am able to, or even have the courage to tell my family the situation and see what they have to say. And honestly, whether I tell my family or the police, I know bad will come out of it.

          • Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarkatuhu.
            I was browsing for help for myself from my abusive husband whom I stayed married to for 9yrs, when I came by chance accross your post. SubhanAllah.
            People think by seeking help from cops solves all of your issues, no offense, I understand in a normal situation that's who we'd run to for help; the authorities. In your case however, people who haven't experienced the crazy level of abuse and fear you're living in don't seem to get that by running to the police WILL make things worse in short term.
            No offense to you, but your partner sounds like a sociopath. You can't reason with these people, I should know, I live with one. Thing is my husband isn't a murderer or a thug, he appears charming..but then I live with him when his color changes. I'm sure you have had many mant sleepless nights of how you will escape from him, in reality that doesn't happen.
            I'm 26yrs now I have 3 kids, my 3month old was born via emergency C-section, yet my husband finds it amusing to physically throw me about. My mother dear threatens to disown me should I leave him. Its like the whole world is against me... The UK goverment should feel ashamed as I ran to them for help twice, once before I got married and once soon after I had my 2nd child, both times they neglected me. My husband intimdated me so much I felt worthless and insecure. I'm planning my 3rd attempt to escape, if Allah wills.
            Point is, I can feel for some of what your going through, if you can't go to the cops, you need to remove yourself somehow from his premisis, and sister, don't think of taking your life as Allah doesn't burden a soul with what it couldn't bear. Ill ask Allah to help you, your duaa is likethe duaa of an oppressed so you ask Allah too. Meanwhile, you know this man better than any of us, I hope you're able to up and leave asap, your two friends know so don't be shy to ask them for help.
            I think you're amazing, and so brave x

      • same situation im handling now a days and im decided i will leave that place without knowing anyone within 2 or 3 month also I won't tell to family whr i ll go.. bcz of my family protection.. i suggest you if possible just leave him and go far frm him and follow some dua that he won't be able to find you out....i think this is the better option.. allah alwz with you..

  7. Salaam sister,
    I suggest you do contact the police if at all possible - explain to them that he is threatening to harm your family and InshaAllah they can help keep people away. And trust in Allah. Because it can't go on - God forbid he kills you. May Allah save you and protect you and your family. Also can you maybe contact a domestic organisation or some kind for advice and support. It helps to have an action plan and an organisation who can help you take first step towards leaving him for good and being safe. They can also maybe arrange safe accomadation for you and even your family if this guy is threatening you. Please do let us know what country you are in so we can help - and delete your history if theres a risk of him finding this.

    May Allah swt protect you & your family and help you out of this
    Ameen
    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor
    x

  8. Asalaam alaikum,

    Call the police now. Not tomorrow, not in a hour, but right now. Your bruises are enough evidence to lok him up and when you report the death threats, this will be enough for a restraining order. If he violates it, he'll go right back to jail.

    Please follow the link below to help you get out safely, secure your well-bring and being you out from the grips of this monster. Simply put: he belongs in jail.

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/terrified-to-go-back-to-abusive-husband/

    We all want you safe and sound. You are going to be our sister in Islam, so we want the best for you. Surely Allah (swt) is calling you out from this distress, so heed His call and leave this life behind.

  9. Salaams,

    I read all of what you said and took it into consideration. I actually agree with you that calling the police in this case could work against you. However, because he is that dangerous, if you stay with him your risk of being killed by him is exponentially higher. I think the best course for you would be to try to plan an escape where he can't find you or trace you. That will take some clever planning and a lot of secrecy on your part, but it can be done. If you can get far enough away from him, even if it means living in a foreign country and changing your identity, you can then can get some measures in place for ongoing protection.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswer.com

    • That is like witness protection, through the police.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • If you are worried about your family - then it is possible for them to do the same as well - Sis Amy correct me if I am wrong but I am sure protection can be offered to families at risk as well. I know your first thought is it's hassle for them - but while he knows their location even if you are still with him both you and them are at risk. May Allah swt protect you - there is a solution so I pray Allah swt brings you to it. Anon, Have you spoken to a domestic service helpine - they may be able to offer you advice on possible steps you can take and in confidence too.

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Yeah I thought about that too. I just don't know how to tell them. The men in my family will probably want to kill him. That's why I'm stuck. I don't know what to do.. Thank you for your prayers.
        No I haven't but I will.

    • I am considering this. However, that means I have to tell my family. And they won't move because of a childish stupid 20 year old boy. I need to pluck up the courage and tell someone in my family.

  10. Asalaam alaikum,

    I highly doubt he is with any security agency, especially the CIA, and is instead, probably a knuckle-dragger for local drug dealers or maybe loan sharks. Either way, the links I provided give the proper escape route.

    CIA agents who work in the field, usually do not have affairs in which he could keep such tabs on you, as their infiltration work would be in conflict with the need to move quickly if problems arise. Long-term agents usually lead married lives, as well. Also, take into consideration his age and the probability of him being hired as a man in that profession. Being openly violent is not a trait of a good field officer as it would bring him into the limelight. Therefore his psychological failings bear it out that he more than likely does not work for any such angency.

    I suspect that this man is banking on your naivete and Hollywood stereotypes. No one with the CIA actually goes around telling people, "I'm with the CIA."

  11. Salaams,

    There are reasons I advised as I did. Now, mind you, my explanation is based on what I have understood and witnessed in the US; SisterZ and Sara you may have a better idea of what is in place there in the UK since this is where the OP is located.

    In the US, the witness protection program is generally only to protect those who were witness of a violent crime, and are needed in some capacity to aid the prosecution or need protection only until the person is captured for a serious federal crime. I have never personally heard of a victim of domestic violence being enrolled in that program, so if it even does happen I imagine that it is the exception rather than the rule.

    What usually is standard when domestic violence is reported to the police, is that a warrant is issued and the perpetrator is arrested. Usually they are set bond and can get out of jail until their trial, so that puts them back on the streets and puts the victims back at risk. When they are convicted of the crime, the sentences are usually a lot lighter than they should be, and the perp can get out of jail relatively quickly (often on parole or work release) and this again puts the victim at risk.

    So, the police then suggest the victim get a restraining order. A restraining order can't, in and of itself, protect someone. There are plenty of examples out there of domestic violence victims who had restraining orders against their batterers, but the batterers could've cared less and came after them anyway and took their lives before the police could get there or even be notified.

    With this man, I agree with professor X that he may not be a government official. However, from what is being told to us he does have associates who work with him. If this man has killed or does kill routinely, or even maims them as a part of his "work", then just imagine what would likely happen if she did call the police: he would immediately get word out to his "associates" that she needs a "lesson" and the next thing you know they would come after her and hurt or even kill her on his behalf. I imagine they might also front the money to bail him out so he could do it himself, if that's what he wanted. Involving the authorities would only push his buttons to want to retaliate in a vicious way, and I am sure he would have the mindset of "proving" to her that the police can't keep him away from her or keep him from hurting her. In most cases, it would take several incidents of him violating a restraining order that this man is a more serious threat than the other drunken batterers they are used to dealing with to take her more seriously and escalate the case to another level...and by the time that happens she may very well already be dead or missing.

    So that's why I am saying that it would be safer and less provoking to make a plan to leave quietly and inconspicuously, and recreate a new life and identity somewhere else. Like I said, in UK maybe there's more available than what is generally available in the US, so if that's the case then someone should please post that info for this sister ASAP.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      I agree, so please forgive me if it didn't come off that way.

      SIA is merely a security badge that anyone working in the private sector field in Britain can attain. This could mean he works for door security at a club, a bar or what not. Basically a rent-a-cop without any official powers. At 20 years old, he doesn't have the years put in to be anywhere of good rank in the military or any government agency. His inability to control his anger would mostly have excluded him from the entrance exams. I suspect his IQ is quite average if not lower than average. This is why he uses violence, because he cannot communicate or relate to people in any other way. He is an emotional cripple, then. Albeit a violent one.

      Having swollen knuckles would then fit the profile of his job, if he is dealing with drunk customers and the description of the physical qualities of his associates. Again, he sounds like a low level punk more than anything who is trying to use this as a way of controlling her.

      This website has various languages available:

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=0001000100080004
      http://www.victimsupport.org.uk/Help-for-victims

      One of the reasons that I stress that she gets away now to the police is to document her current physical state as a means of ensuring that he not get bond. While doing that, they could also get her to a woman's shelter which are usually in secretive locations.

      If she feels that this would only lead to more danger, then she only need to plan her escape. However, we all agree that her waiting this out any longer is only going to result in her future beating or death.

      Sister anon, you need to get out. Islam does not allow or injustice or oppression. You are not in control of the situation, so you need to place that into the hands of people who are not being intimidated or beaten by this man, namely the police and/or your family. While his threats are to be taken seriously, you truly need to reach out and get out asap.

    • Given the information that the sister posted in her first reply - I do agree with you.now This man is extremely dangerous which makes things much more complicated. I am at loss as to what to do exactly but I agree leaving is definietly a better option rather than provoking him. It would be sad he would get away with it but the priority is keeping sister and her family safe.

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • The sister needs to secure her safety, then speak to someone who can help her. If she speaks to the police, they wont just jump in and arrest him. They will take time to carefully plan, they will conduct surveillance, gather intelligence to learn of what he does, who he knows etc, secure her safety and then move in. This is not the first time someone has been stalked and threatened like this, and the police will have dealt with many such cases. It seems more daunting to us because we have not encountered such situations and we do not know what systems are in place to help.

        The point is, there is help out there. I hope the sister can find the right help insha'Allah.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. Salams,

    You need to get to a women's shelter, because it is the only place where no man is allowed and the

    entering of any man would lead to immediate alarming of the police. Believe me, if you seek refuge

    in your family's home it will only be worse, he could find you there and they can't protect you.

    Get to a women's shelter and plan your escape from there. Sister, may I ask you what held you

    in this relationship up to now? May I ask u , because I work with victims of physical and verbal

    abuse, if he tries to keep u in the relationship wtih regular physical relations, making you

    dependent on him physically?

    U don't have to reply if you don't want it.

    I wish you good luck for the future

  13. Reposting after corrections and In the right place, sorry .

    Salamoalaikum, You are a Muslim, either marry the guy or end this haraam relationship. Make sincere tauba and repent daily. Allah swt always listens and answers prayers, even if it isn't the answer that we prefer, the only power you should be scared of is the Almighty Allah swt. There is no might or power except with Allah. Put all your belief, faith and being in that fact and carry it with you every min of every day. I promise you, you will be untouchable. If anything happens to you it to anyone In your family , say Alhamdulillah and be happy with what Allah swt has ordained for you. This is where bring a Muslim makes a difference, as we as Muslims look to the hereafter and the success there not of this world as a priority. Let your iman be your weapon, your courage and your might..there is no power except Allah swt. The biggest of tyrants have fallen just at the mention of Allah swt. Don't be scared to die, be scared of what will happen after you die. Put your iman above every other priority,this includes your mom , brother, or anyone. Keep reading the Quran, and you are right In your observation, the Quran will give you counsel, guidance, courage, and patience. The Quran will also clearly tell you what to do and trust me when you will see the advice coming from the quran, you will have no fear acting upon it as the advice is from Allah swt, the all powerful, all wise.

  14. BTW, one more thing I want to say is, if you are scared of going to the police, atleast go and see your local imam,

Leave a Response