I had an arranged marriage and don’t like my husband
I keep dreaming about being in a happy relationship with someone else
AOA
I have been married for 3 years. It was a arranged marriage. My nikkah took place 3 months before my ruksati.
Right after my nikkah I got to know my husband and didn’t like him.
I always prayed to Allah for a husband who was a good Muslim, said his 5 times namaz didn’t drink and didn’t womanize. And my prayers were heard.
My husband from day one never showed me love affection and didn’t talk to me. I wept for 3 years…. Day and Night.
Every time we had an intercourse I prayed to Allah that if this marriage was not to be than let me not conceive. My husband and in-laws don't like children.
Now I find out that my husband has no sperm and the little he has the doctors have told us to go for a test tube baby. He doesn’t satisfy me in bed and it's only about when he wants it.
I have dreams where I see myself in love with other men and when I wake up, I want to feel that love and passion in real life.
I have a good husband otherwise.
Plz help.
Im soooo lost.!!!
- ayesha2010
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Salaams Ayesha,
You say that your husband doesn't show you any affection, no communication, cannot readily get you pregnant and doesn't satisfy you. Then you say he is good otherwise.
In my opinion, all the reasons you have listed that you are unhappy about don't provide a sound foundation for a successful marriage.
You say you dream of being with other men. Are these actual dreams or are you thinking about this while you are awake? As this is a form of zina. Be careful as you may lead yourself into making this a reality and thus commiting a grave sin.
I have read that a woman is allowed to divorce if a husband is unable to produce children. Divorce is a drastic step and of all things halaal it is the most disliked. However, from what you have said, you sound completely unhappy in this situation. If a situation is not resolved then as I already said, it could lead you into wrongdoing.
At the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with with expecting respect, love and care from your husband. Or indeed expecting passion from your husband. Also to progress to becoming a mother. These are all natural things and in 3 years of marriage you say your husband hasn't displayed any of this type of behaviour.
I don't understand why not only your husband, but your in-laws don't like children? This is very strange. You also say you prayed that if this marriage is not to be then you should not conceive. I think you are looking for a way out. You need to discuss matters first. If there is no willingness from your husband to treat you better and try for children, then divorce is your last resort.
Also, I personally don't think having a child will resolve these matters of your husbands unfeeling ways.A child may provide you with a distraction from your husband.. A child should be born from two loving parents.
Regards
Hopeful
Salams sister,
I have been married for five years and I have all the same problems except I have a child. I can say from the bottom of my heart that life was miserable and after the birth of my child it got worse between my husband and I but I now have the most amazing angel from Allah. My husband and I sleep together maybe once a month or eery two months, I too think of being with other men and I know it's haram my god forgive me but I can help it. I also fear I may commit zinna because i have a very high sex drive and my husband doesn't please me at all!!! I sleep so many nights dying and needing satisfaction and he sleeps like a baby. I can safely say from my experience and friends who have gone through the same thing - it won't change even with help from outside! You will waste your life like me and nothing will change except for worse. Having a child would be very unthoughful of youself - you will only do what I did and there isn't a day I don't look at my daughter and feel bad for what I will be putting her through when I leave her father. We ar humans and we need to be loved and shown affection and to be Sexually SATISFIED!!! My advice would be to not have kids and leave this marriage before you end up committing zinna and btw eveyone will try to stop u and even make u go to a counselor but he won't change - being unsexual and having no affection is not in his nature. Go be happy!!! Allah be with you! May Allah guide us and forgive us!!! Ameen
Dear 'Ayesha2010'
May Allah lighten your load, you seem very unhappy.
Ayesha2010, many women marry without taking the right steps towards finding out enough about their potentials - usually due to culture. Islam encourages and advises us to question and dig as much as necessary before accepting a proposal from anyone.
If someone prays all their 5 salaah, this is for sure a good thing, however we still need to see if there is a connection with the potential, do they share ideas on important matters such as raising children, roles of husband/wifes, position of In-laws in decision making, women working, etc; furthermore is there a mutual intellectual and physical attraction; has the potential been in a past relationship from which he has not fully healed etc? The questions need to be asked and the digging needs to be done before the proposal is accepted, not after. It is frustrating when I read and hear that people marry without using the wisdom and advice that Allah has bestowed on us.
Moving on from this point, you mention that your husband prays salaah, lowers his gaze and doesnt drink. These are all admirable qualities in a man - maashaAllah. However he doesnt give you the attention/affection you deserve as his wife and part of marriage is to satisfy one's physical desires in a healthy manner; so of course if you feel unsatisfied, naturally you will find your mind wandering. Every marriage should provide the passion and affection required to keep it a healthy union, if it is absent then something is wrong, but not necessarily something that cannot be fixed.
Sister - it seems there is an absence of communication in your marriage. Maybe you should be open with your husband (not about your mind wandering), but about the lack of affection he is showing you. Have you tried talking to him to get to the root of the problem? Do you have any idea why he and his family do not want children? That seems quite abnormal. There is no point trying for a baby when both the parents do not want the child. You say your husband is a good man in other ways, so I would most definitely advise you to work on improving the communication in your marriage as I believe this will unlock barriers and help you both to open up; inshaAllah having a positive affect on other areas of your life.
I hope one if my co-editors will write in with some practical tips for you to improve your commuication with your husband inshaAllah.
When making dua, try not to ask for something negative as you said: 'I prayed to Allah that if this marriage was not to be than let me not conceive'. Instead, pray for something positive, like 'Ya Allah, bless my marriage with piety and happiness, Ya Allah make my spouse the comfort of my eyes and make me his, and bless us with pious and healthy off-spring - Aameen'.
Best Wishes
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
SisterZ
Assalamu alaikum Sister Ayesha,
I will make this brief. SisterZ has touched on almost every point that I would have made. Since I am not from a culture where marriages are arranged it's difficult for me to relate. I would find it difficult to be married to some not of my choice and didn't know.
My first question is how old were they when they got married? What was the maturity level of the two of you? Sister Ayesha, you say that you didn't like your husband after you got to know him. Isn't it possible that he felt the same way? After all this was an arranged marriage. It's my understanding that in an arranged marriage the parents make all of the decisions? The parents pick and choose who their son or daughter will marry? If that is the case he could be feeling the same way you were feeling. He may have felt as if he was forced into this marriage.
What I think you should try to do is have a conversation with you husband. Tell him how you felt after getting married and ask him what his thoughts were. If both of you were unhappy then that is the problem. Does that mean that you can't change things, absolutely not, but there will be a need for serious communication.
So talk to your husband. Get to know each other. You have been married for three years and the only thing you have in common is that you live in the same house. Try to have a conversation about what both of you want out of life and from this marriage. Once you begin to communicate you may find that you have more in common than you think. If you want this to work then you should initiate the conversation.
You will never have a successfull marriage without communication. Communication, respect, love. If there is a lack of communication there can never be respect and without respect there will never be love.
You can do this, just know that it will take time and effort on both parts.
Remember before you have that conversation with your husband, ask Allah(swt) for guidance. Trust in Allah.
Insha'Allah that helped some.
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
As-salamu alaykum,
I will really keep this brief, lol. I agree with my co-editors SisterZ and Abdul-Wali. Fantasizing about other men is not productive, and thinking about divorce is very premature. Your husband is basically a good man. The problem that needs to be addressed is the lack of communication and affection. I suggest that you both visit a marriage counselor who can help you work on these issues. As AbdulWali said, you and your husband must get to know each other, become friends, and from there love and affection will flow Insha'Allah. And I very much agree with SisterZ's point about phrasing your dua' in positive terms.
Oh, and about the problem of infertility, I don't have an easy answer for you on that one, but you could consider the artificial insemination procedure that you mentioned, or you might consider adoption. There are many Muslim orphans who desperately need love and attention. But first you need to address the problems within your marriage, before you can bring a child into it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salaam sista,i completely understand.ive bin married 13 years have 2 lovely boys but have alot of problems in my marriage.my husband doesnt talk to me and the boys much we argue alot cos i carry the burden of doing every thing,hes never shown any kind of effection or emotion.hes got a suspious mind and doesnt trust me at all even though i do everything 4 him.he only thinks about sex and says thats the reason people get married,for the way he thinks i hate getting intimate with but then its a crime for a woman 2 say no even though i dont have any feelings except for hatred for him.cos of the way he is i think of other men cos i feel i have a right to be loved and looked after.he has never been there me or the boys or shared any kind of burden with me.ive always been good to his parents and family.i read namaz even though its not 5 times but i try,in ramzan i try extra hard and read tarawee prays,my husband doesnt read althougth ive said it numerously he cant read quran and ive told him to go to classes at the mosque where they teach people who cant read,ive asked him 2 take the boys 2 islamic classes 2 learn more about islam but he doesnt bother.me and my husband are both from the ukwhen a girl gets married she dreams that her husbands going 2 be her hero whos going 2 be her rock,but thats never been the case,being married has been a battle and a misrey,im stuck cos i cant hurt my parents but everyday i die being with this man..
<hello sister,
you say that you hate your husband and that he shows no love towards you well honey YOU NEED TO TAKE CONTROL OF THIS MARRIAGE when im reading this it felt like the only thing he got married in the firdt place was becasue of the sex and not the marriage talk to your parents i am a muslim to so i know what your parents r gonna say "stay with your husband and be good with him and listen and hell change" im telling you either get a divorece or TAKE CONTROL please please dont let him ruin ur life ur probely so young
"Every time we had an intercourse I prayed to Allah that if this marriage was not to be than let me not conceive."
" ...Now I find out that my husband has no sperm and the little he has the doctors have told us to go for a test tube baby"
Sounds like you're prayers have been answered.
Salaam
Divorce is the least liked thing by Allah SWT, but it is a mercy as well. Catholics are not allowed to divorce - al hamdulillah that Allah has made life easier for Muslims.
Many arranged marriages result in love and respect - I don't think your situation is directly attributable to the marriage being arranged at all. Having a healthy sex life is your right - when the sexual side of marriage is good and is satisfying to you both, it often even makes up for other aspects which may not be so good. Having no give-and -take communication with your husband after three whole years of marriage must make this even harder.
You have to make a decision - if you feel you dislike your husband to this degree, then get a divorce. You are young and with no children, and insha'Allah, you will find a more suitable husband. I don't think you should continue to live so unhappily at all. But remember: "Sometimes you will hate something and there is a lot of good in it". If you can manage to give the marriage a little more time, and use the duas that have been advised by the brothers and sisters here, do it. If not, may Allah be with you, and go ahead with the divorce.
Salaam.
sister forget what is allowed and whats not what matters is if you know whats right or wrong ,thinking of other men is not good but as i m not much religious men seem to think and stare more at females then females tend to think of men,,it seems u have lost the interest and love for your husband if you wana divorce go to the court and get it .if you wana save your marriage sit and talk to your husband and forget about worries like halala nothing as such mentioned in the pure Quran .you dont need mullas to lead you ,,you have your education to study islam yourself . and by the ways Halala is a mulla option .it is the mullas that have turned us down by making they own books and rules .Go for the Quran the rightfull book and seek your answers. and if you dont seek religious answers then why not get a marriage chancellor? i wish you the best
I myself am in the same sitution. I am married to my husband just a bit over 5 years. We had an arranged marriage and the night of the wedding we had intercourse and than he had to go back to scool. I been a new bride wanted to spend sometime with my husband but his family didn't wanted us to stay together and have any sort of understanding. After been married to him i month i stayed in the country for 1 month and the torture i was put through was unbelieveable. I was called names. and i was told by my in-laws that we did a huge favour to you because nobody would have married me. The distance between me and my husband dirfted. After 3 years he finally got his visa and he came up to States. Even than the same day we satarted fighting. During this time we hardly had any sex. It's been 5 years but we been together only for 2 years and have no kids due to irregular periods. I am very depressed but at the same time he anger is out of control. So i just thought i have changed myself enough and from now i am just going to ignore him and hopefully he will realize one of these that i am his wife and that his duty is to fulfill my wishes and satisfy me but he doens't. I have tried everyhing but nothing is working.I work and help pay bills and buy myself whatever i want. Whenever i ask him to go for dinner he always says he doesn't have money to waste. I come to work and now that he know i hate him coming home late he started doing that on purpose. He comes home like 11:30 at night and goes and sleeps in a different room.
I am not married yet but reading all this I want to share my thoughts. Rightly many people have given good advice here. I would try open up in terms of communication with your husband. Only then, if you see no positive response or change in him, I would say leave this marriage.
I have a potential marriage proposal which I was so sure about, but now I have doubts. He also has good in him, prays 5 times a day and does not womanise. However, he also has some strong cultural views which clash with what's been ordained in Islam. I get the notion he is unaware of a wifes rights. He also seems cold at times and is very bothered about what his family thinks, to an extent where I can clearly see he will discuss all major matters with them but feels he does not need to share with me. He is making me feel that I will have to be a wife who will cook, clean, bring the money in and just listen to everything he asks of me. I now feel this man won't really love me nor fulfill many of my rights. I am thinking of backing out from the proposal. Islam is right: do your research. Do not ever marry blindly for your parents sake. Please.
May Allah forgive me if I have said anything wrong and may His mercy be upon all of us
Ws
Fari
culture doesn't allow wife to have a job? and also i think a good husband is one who puts a balance between his family and his wife, a bad husband can be titled to either one, meaning ignoring parents for wife, ignoring wife for parents, i think both are extremely bad. you also need to find out about your in laws, if they are good people, or if they will create hurdles between relation with your husband, if the in laws are great then i think your husband will be great to.
i hope its not a late reply, sorry for that