I want out of this secret marriage
Rasool(sws) said: 'Marriage without Wali is invalid, invalid, invalid!'
Salam,
As per my first post, I am in a secret marriage with a married co-worker. The story is such a long and strange one that at times, I feel soo evil, so hypocritical, so sinful and so lowly. But deep down, I know I have a goodness in me, I am not a bad or evil person. I have never intended to get involved with him nor get married to him whether publicly or secretly nor allow the marriage to continue up to now.
There are moments I feel Allah SWT is testing me through this marriage thus I should patiently endure but most of time, I believe that He is punishing me for succumbing to my nafs. God knows that I want to be a BETTER person. I want to put to be on the right path! I really want to be a better Muslimah; A role model to my siblings: I never want to let them down as they hold me at such high esteem yet I am weak and indecisive in doing the right thing.
I just want you to advice me on how to break away from this marriage as I know it is not good for my Dunya and Arkirah!! As you mentioned in your previous post, the tendecy of him telling his wife and family about me is very very slim. Each time I give him an ultimatum to publicize our marriage so I can live as dignified life as a married girl instead of allowing people who always see us together to thinking that we are in a secret affair, he always keeps on giving me excuses, excuses and empty promises?
He always says that I have to endure a little as marriage is always about enduring, that I should endure just as his first wife is enduring, etc etc. But, I always tell him she is in a sense the "official" wife whilst for me, he has decided to keep me as the "unofficial" wife that the insecurity that comes with that alone is enough reason to make any endurance unjustifiable.
I know that if I had another job, I will be able to avoid him and make my separation from him effective, but the close proximity and the fact that I have to see and work with him every single work day is just making things way difficult for me. I really want out! I have to get out of this marriage for my own sanity. I have been repenting, doing dhikr and Duas but still I always listen to his empty promises and hope things will get better but I know it wouldn't. That they will in fact get messier.
Please don't want Allah to punish me any further as a result of staying in this secret marriage. I have already suffered a lot. Please tell me what to do under these circumstances before I ruin myself!
Khadija.
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Dear sister,
You need to inform your Wali ASAP and get your marriage publicised. So that you can get rid of the suspicion in your work place. A marriage is not supposed to be like this.Marriage is supposed to be about bringing families together. Your husband whom you refer to is a chicken not a real man. A real man would honour and respect his wife just like the prophet (SAW) did. The fact that he went behind his wife's back without even consulting her shows how very little respect he has for her feelings.
Just Imagine how much heartache and pain it will bring to his first wife when she discovers that he is keeping you a secret from him.
Islam gave women status as wives and you should be recognised as one. There are sisters just like who get exploited by men because of their naiveness and innocence by ignorant Muslim men.
P.S. sister I don't mean to sound obnoxious but why on earth would you go through with the marriage with a co worker.
Asalaam alaikum,
I've been waiting for your post to show up Sister Khajija and I've been thinking about your situation. A while back you said that he finally introduced you to his sisters, but I wonder, "was that as his wife or just as a friend?" Do they know you are married to him, and if so, do you have contact with them? Or is it just a friends or co-worker relationship that they think you have?
I ask this to understand exactly what he is telling his family about you. As the other wife lives abroad, I wonder why he keeps you such a hidden fact of his life? It's evident how much this affects you and I want you to understand that since April, when you first started posting here, you seem to feel ever the more worse. Marriage isn't supposed to be this way and as Sister Sameerh points out above you should be treated better. Yet, before respect and honor, comes a facet called "dignity."
Let's define dignity from two angles: the secular and the Islamic point.
Wow! How incredible it is to be dignified, then! It is a state of great status among human beings. Yet, it is something that Allah (swt) gives us from birth as human beings chosen over His other creations. As such, we see it expressed as "honor," "nobility," etc., etc.
So let's look about what Allah (swt) says about dignity.
(Al-Isra' 17:70)
"Indeed, We have honored the children of Adam; provided them with transport on land and sea; given them for sustenance things good and pure; and conferred on them special favors, above a great part of Our Creation."
I was just going to highlight a few words and then I realized, Allah (swt) is giving His full definition of not only dignity, but how He views us. Do you realize your state of being that Allah (swt) has granted you? Let's look at another verse.
(31:20)
"Do you not see that Allah has made subservient to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth, and granted to you His favours complete, outwardly and inwardly?"
Again, look at how Allah (swt) describes His favors and blessings to you. However, in this verse, through His Wisdom, He is asking you a question. Do you realize your position as a human being, as a woman and in following the reasoning, what should be granted through a marriage because of that status?
You may inquire about your marriage should be one of patience, but lo and behold, did you know that there was a woman during the time of revelation who faced a similar fate? The story is that she went to the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) to complain of a husband who took part in an Arab custom, in which she was not treated like a wife, but was not released from the marriage either. This was called "zihar." The woman pleaded for help from this misery and Allah (swt), the All-Merciful sent Jibrail (as) with the Divine Revelation to the Holy Prophet.
Surah Al-Mujadila
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful
Allah hath heard the saying of her that pleads with thee (Muhammad) concerning her husband, and complaineth unto Allah. And Allah heareth your colloquy. Lo! Allah is Hearer, Knower. (1) Such of you as put away your wives (by saying they are as their mothers) - They are not their mothers; none are their mothers except those who gave them birth - they indeed utter an ill word and a lie. And lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. (2) Those who put away their wives (by saying they are as their mothers) and afterward would go back on that which they have said, (the penalty) in that case (is) the freeing of a slave before they touch one another. Unto this ye are exhorted; and Allah is aware of what ye do. (3) And he who findeth not (the wherewithal), let him fast for two successive months before they touch one another; and for him who is unable to do so (the penance is) the feeding of sixty needy ones. This, that ye may put trust in Allah and His messenger. Such are the limits (imposed by Allah); and for disbelievers is a painful doom.
Sister Khadija, do you understand that your Lord hears you and revealed your rights better than your husband is giving you? How can a man treat you lower than what Allah (swt) has intended for you? Dear Sister, you know you deserve better than this and the only reason you have not followed through is because you didn't know your position before. Now that you do, let's ask a few questions more.
So the most important question to ask yourself is, "Am I dignified by my husband? Am I proudly happy to be his wife and does he feel the same about me? Does he put me before others while openly saying with jubilation, 'This is the woman who I love and am committed to for the rest of my life'?" Do people tell you "congratulations" on your marriage? Do other women tell you how fortunate you are to be married? Is your mother joyfully talking about grandchildren some day? Do you look at your stomach and think with much anticipation, "Is our baby growing in me?" Or is nothing but dread and pain you feel? Is is nothing, but sadness and a wish that you don't get pregnant for fear of bringing a child into a life where she/he will be a secret, hidden away in shame?
I want you to think about these question sincerely and deeply. Once you acknowledge what Allah (swt) wnts for you, then you need to understand that you must learn to start giving yourself those rights, too.
The reason for giving ultimatums is that we are to follow through on them. They are not threats or an empty promise, but a stated course of action in our cause-and-effect world. If A happens, then B will transpire. Thus, when you have failed to follow through, your husband just brushes it off and doesn't take notice of the forthcoming hurt emotions that you experience or the next ultimatum that you choose in the future. He knows you won't do anything about it, so his thought process by his actions is essentially, "whatever." So you need to understand that once you are determined to say something, that you follow through with doing it.
I suggest that you never return to indecisiveness. The worst of situation to be in is that of a fence-sitter and this is not who we are meant to be as people. You need to understand that you are an empowered human being with the rights that Allah (swt) has given you. You have the right to be treated justly and you have recourse, as Islam gives you. So every time you back down, you are giving up those rights. It's thereby a vicious circle that you need to free yourself from.
Since you have decided to leave him, then you need to empower yourself. One step is to find another job or go to your supervisor and ask for a transfer. Transfers usually happen within a decent amount of time and it frees you from your current situation. It gives you time to work and think freely, as well. Keep in mind that because you may be thought of as having an affair, your reputation is being hurt and so, this is unacceptable to your Muslim standing in the community or among your co-workers. We should remember that as Muslims we have the responsibility of keeping a dignified presence at all times.
Most importantly however, is to realize that your nikkah, depending on how it was carried out, may not be valid. If it's not, then you must get away from the sin. If it is, you need to follow the Islamic route than supports your dignity and honors you. In this case, divorce is appropriate, provided that your nikkah is valid. Otherwise, you must leave this sin.
I'll post back with any more advice that you need.
Seat him down at night when you are alone and give him a strong ultimatum with all solemnity and seriousness, tell him you are given him the grace of next week and the upper one (ie two weeks from now) to publicize your marriage otherwise, you are going to leave the house for him... I do not advice you to divorce him since he loves you... But seperate your self from him, so that he can sort out his problems and solve it for him self.. Unless he rectifies his problems and publicize the marriage, you shouldnt go back to him...
I just want to tell you something,, you shouldnt think you ve done a mistake for choosing to be a second wife... Infact, you are as much a wife as the 1st wife. You are not inferior to the 1st wife, you have equal right and equal responsibility to your husband... So you ve not done any mistake sister... The only mistake you did was you accepted to be in secrete from the very begining he married you... So if you can try to avoid this next time (if for instance this your 1st marriage didnt workout),, then you can as well happily be another man 2nd wife (ie if a married man should propose to you, and you feel you are okay with it)... There is absolutely no mistake in choosing to be someones 2nd wife (provided such man is gonna maintain justice between both wives). Infact i admire your ways, may Allah make other women to stop seeing this as something 'strange', and to gladly accept it when such opportunity comes to them.
Mohd
Asalaam alaikum Br.Mohd,
If I may make an observation: I think many women would stop seeing the status of 'second' wife as strange, if the Muslim men who choose to ask them to be a co-wife would treat them better and in accordance with the Qur'an and shariah. The perception may bear equally on both sides, but as men, the husbands have the greater duty to fulfill, in this instance. Allah (swt) has made woman's nature delicate and the husbands should always keep this in mind. This is a part of her allure and her honor, so this must be given great consideration.
Again, this is based on observation.
Totally agree professor x.