Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Rejected – was it because of my looks or too into the deen?

Reflection may be distorted


I’ve been talking to this brother for week and we both had the intentions of marriage, alhumdulilah everything was going good, I prayed istikhara and I had a good feeling. We talked everyday and he was mashAllah practicing and into the deen. I’m also practicing more practicing then the brother I should say, but he would send me lectures and he would give me daily reminders. The brother came to see me and the next day he texted my saying he prayed istikhara and consulted with those close to him and doesn’t want to continue, I’ve texted back khayir and now we stopped talking. Do you think it was about my looks? I’m so confused, but the brother stayed for 2 hours and we were talking and he seemed fine, he was laughing and smiling. I prayed istikhara again and I cannot stop thinking about him. Should I go after him and try to win him back. I don’t know what to think, I don’t think I’m bad looking and I’m not trying to be modest and the brother is good looking too. Please make dua for me that the brother comes back.


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23 Responses »

  1. Salam dear sister,

    This is a sweet post because you have no idea. MashAllah you are a beautiful practicing Muslimah. Do not worry about a good looking boy or any boy for that matter. There are billions-billions-billions of boys in the umah, and they are bound to come running when they see your beautiful face; and begging when they learn of your beautiful heart!

  2. Salam sister
    Don't pursue him. He has shown he is not worthy of you. You spoke to him and showed him what a gem you are and to back away from such a treasure is a blessing. Better he reveal his weak character now than later when the nikah had been done. In terms of why he's done this I doubt it is anything to do with you but rather himself, maybe someone. talked to him, maybe he was pursuing another girl, maybe he realised he didn't want to marry yet but whatever he did he took the cowardly exit. He sounds a little immature and please don't look at this as a fault in you, but as a redirection from Allah who will guide you to something even better In Shaa Allah. Don't lose hope or be upset, but stay patient and don't lose this amazing faith and personality of yours

    • Don't you think that is harsh - speaking about the brother like that? You are over-reacting and acting as if he did the worst possible thing on the planet to her! There are numerous reasons as to why he rejected her:

      Maybe he felt that the two weren't compatible and, rather than saying it to her face which might cause hurt feelings, he just texted her in a polite way and that is it.

      Maybe he didn't necessarily find her attractive (I'm not saying the OP is not attractive but different people find different things likeable, e.g. what I find attractive you might not and vice versa)

      Instead of just ranting about you think the brother is an evil scumbag just because he rejected her (which doesn't make sense since we are allowed to choose whether we want to pursue marriage with someone or not) why not just say to the OP that Allah will have someone even better in store and maybe her and this brother wouldn't have done well in marriage?

      Also, you say he took a cowardly way out. How is him texted her saying he doesn't feel the two would be good a cowardly way out? A cowardly way out would be just not let the OP know, keep her in the dark and move on with his life. At least he showed her the respect of letting her know.

      Again, think logically before you reply to the post rather than making out that the brother is the ultimate evil for simply doing what is allowed in Islam (and in a moral world) which is to choose whether to marry someone or not.

      • I think Sara's point is the way he rejected her could have been avoided. If a woman's looks are a non-negotiable factor, then you should ask to see a picture first before you begin speaking with her and before you meet her. That way, there are no hurt feelings involved. The way this guy went about it is not BAD, its just a bit insensitive.

        If your name is Asim, then you are a man. You have no idea how a girl feels when she is rejected very suddenly and particularly when the only realistic assumption for the rejection is your looks/height/weight etc. It feels like one-stop shopping, and many many muslim girls have felt this way, especially girls who are not model-thin or model-gorgeous.

        • I have to disagree. I don't see what was wrong with the way he ended things, nor do I see how else he should have gone about it. This sister is making the assumption that he rejected her because of her looks, but there doesn't seem to be anything that he did or said that suggests that. There could be other reasons he decided this wasn't a good fit for him - as she herself says, maybe he was uncomfortable that she is more religious than him. It's her own insecurity that is suggesting that it's her looks that's the problem, and that's something she needs to address within herself. Life is full of rejection, one needs to be able to pick themselves up, brush themselves off and not dwell on it.

        • It isn't stated though that he left her because of her looks. If you read what I posted, I specifically said there could be a VARIETY of reasons why he rejected her. You are just assuming that it has something to do with her looks.

          "You have no idea how a girl feels when she is rejected very suddenly and particularly when the only realistic assumption for the rejection is your looks/height/weight etc"

          Yeah, the same can be said about men. Men have feelings and emotions as well you know...

          • He could have rejected her for a million and one reasons that had nothing to do with her looks.

            But often when a guy decides not to pusue things after seeing her face to face, girls are left with that assumption. And if you read some of the posts on this site, that does in fact happen. Im not suggesting there is something wrong with that, just that perhaps it could have been dealt with more sensitively.

            And yes I'm sure it happens to men too. But the OP is a girl so that's the problem we're dealing with at hand.

  3. Sister, when you made istikharah you asked Allah that if this boy is not good for me, take me away from him and take him away from me. And then the boy ended things - is that not the result of your istikharah? The way I see it, Allah has distanced this boy from you in response to your prayer. Subhan Allah, He knows and we know not. Therefore you must dismiss all thoughts of winning him back and such things. Know in your heart that Allah has heard your prayer and knows what is best for you, and take this time in Ramadan to pray for the husband that will be good for you in this life and the next Inshallah. May Allah bless you and make you happy Inshallah.

    • ma shaa allah such a beautiful response.... "Sister, when you made istikharah you asked Allah that if this boy is not good for me, take me away from him and take him away from me. And then the boy ended things – is that not the result of your istikharah?"

      few thoughts in my life was disturbing me and after seeing your response its a smile on my face...
      Dear salmannah you dont need to go back of him .. instead pray hard and ask allah for much more better person [[ Alllah humma ajirni fi musibati wa aqhlifli khairan minha]][ya allah the calamity that has befallen me replace it with the better one]]]
      recite this you will get much more better person than the one who walked away
      in sha Allah
      you are worth much more:-)

  4. You never know he could have been looking for an affair. Don't go after him, he may take advantage of you. He may be engaged to his cousin or some thing.

  5. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy. But for whatever reason things didn't work out. Happens a lot when your looking for a potential spouse - in the process you will reject, you will also be rejected and sometimes you won't have a clue why. Some people will be more tactful and diplomatic when ending things others will be rude and offensive. But no point chasing after someone who has rejected you, like someone said above its most likely in response to your istikhara. Don't be disheartened though it's a natural process of selection, the cycle will continue until you find the one! Chin up, think positive and keep looking. May Allah swt bless you with a husband who is good for you in this world and the hereafter, Ameen.

  6. I pray that Allah grant you khair. I do not agree with some people talking negatively about the guy. You both prayed istekhara and it did not work out, you both are Alhamdulillah good by yourself but only Allah knows what could have been wrong in the situation.
    At least take it from my knowledge of someone that I know very well completely opposite to your case just a week ago. He had initial talk with a girl and her wali and was highly impressed with the deen of the girl, and they also seemed to have liked him but somehow things did not work and the girl and her wali rejected him. He did try again by requesting them a couple of times but they politely refused. Alhamdulillah the guy still thinks good about them and wishes the best for them thinking that since he did the istekhara there was something good In things not working out. Similarly the girls wali also spoke well about him and wishes him well.
    So yeah, we do not know what Allah knows. Take some time to reflect, ponder upon this situation a bit if u need to but move on. Allah will open a better door for you.

    Allah grant you khair and ease. Take it as blessing of Allah as a matter of ghaib.


  7. Assalam alaikum,

    When we look at the moon on various days, we sometimes see a full moon, or no moon (new moon) or a sliver of a moon. It is all about perspective. Sometimes, the whole picture is clear to us, and other time it isn't. The reality of the situation doesn't change--but just the perspective. Sometimes we have to accept what we don't have knowledge for.

    You don't know the entire picture--it is best to say "I don't know the entire reason for the rejection and it is also not important for me to know. I accept what Allah swt has decreed for me. Alhumdulillah."

    Make du'a for him and make du'a for yourself. Inn shaa Allah, the right thing is out there for you still.

  8. what does khair mean? Please can someone explain what does this mean ive not heard of it.

    • I think it's like saying it's good for you, it's khair for you

    • Khair= it's all good ... Lol

      • ok thank you.

        OP I do think Allah has better plans for you. This is not your fault people can change their minds for whatever reason. InshAllah you will find someone better. I strongly believe looks are not everything they will fade its whats in the heart and if that person has izaat/respect etc.

  9. i guess that this man have the full right to reject you, looks are not important always. even we see many beautiful faces but we dont feel like spending life with them. marriage includes everything, i was rejected once though many boys liked me , i felt very bad but in the end you cant make someone fall in love with you whether you have good looks or not. and he was very handsome i felt i was nothing in front of him.
    so please move on and be happy like me haha 🙂

  10. beauty fades away with time 🙂

  11. Salam.

    Oh to be young and so pure MashaaAllah.

    Im positive you are beautiful inside and out and will make a lovely wife is. I agree with NE and Abdullah. You made istikharrah. Allah inshaaAllah answered it. We do not know how or when He answers dua. The boy may have very well prayed istikharrah, maybe even before he came to your home. After meeting he may have had a bad feeling or consulted with those who were with him.

    I really believe this has nothing to do with you. It sounds like he genuinely enjoyed your company. One of the posts put a dua, recite it inshaaAllah.
    Allah may very well have someone much better in the plan!

  12. The thing or person belong to you is always yours.. u want or not.. but the thing which doesnt belong to you can never be yours...

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