Sexual abuse by grand dad, please pray for me
assalamu alaikum,
I am a postgraduate student, right from my child hood i have been experiencing sexual abuse from my maternal grand dad, to be frank i have a very bad child hood, my mom doesnt understand me, she always abuse me in vulgar languages but thats not her fault coz she has experience so much of torture from her in laws and she finds me to dispose all her anxiety and stress.
i was bought up in my maternal grand parents home till my grade1, and moved with my parents, then when i was in my grade 6 again my mom came back to her home due to some problem between my parents. and that was my horrible part of my life, as my grand parents home is very small, we all sleep in the drawing room, i used to be very scared and always try to seek a safe place, but he will some how peep into that place and start doing all sorts of things, i could not do any thing as i was embarressed and dont know how to react, one day i told my mom that we will go back to our home and live with dad, and she started to abuse and beat me. i dont know what to do. my mom always says its because of her dad that you are alive, and so on......
intially even i had respect for him, i thought he is doing in sleep and one fine i gathered my courage and told my grand dad that i didnt like what he is doing at night, he replied i just like u very much and doing out of affection and thereatened me if u say to any one then i wont help u people and will make u go out of home, i didnt know what to do and whom to say.
initially he was doing only at night but as time goes by he started to molest me even in day time. in Allah's grace my dad came and took us back when i was in grade7, but he will come to our home now and then and do the same.
after my grade 12, again i was put back in my grandmom home coz my mom told that enough of her studies and let her get married, my grand dad took advantage of this and he said to my parents that he will take care of all the expenses for my marriage and let her in my home, my mom fought with my dad and made me to go back to that hell, and my abuses started again, i was really helpless and frustrated, and Allah showed his mercy again and he stopped my marriage plans and made me to continue my education.
throughout my undergraduate studies i was very reluctant and made a point not to go to my grandparents home, but he will call to our home and speak in a very vulguar tone and he will ask me to come home and will i am eagerly waiting to see you, my mom will also scold me in all bad ways and torture me to come with her to grandparents home.
after my U.G i got a job and he made tricks and didnt allow me to go to that job and started brain wash my mom to bring me to his home, I some how managed not to go and applied for my P.G in allah's grace i got seat for my P.G, and i was staying in hostel, he used to call me at night and started to speak in the same manner, so i started to switch off my mobile at night.
now i completed my P.G, and got nice jobs in outside states he brainwashed my parents and didnt allow me to go. now i am simply wasting my time in home .
I stopped speaking to him , but he himself will come and speak and gaze me from top to bottom, and he is making sympathy to my family members, stating that " I have lots of affection for her and she is not speaking with me" and my family members started to curse me for not speaking with him and torturing me to go and sit next to him and speak with him,
now i am 24years old and he is 72years old, still he touches me in a dirty way if i go and sit next to him and speak.
i cant say to my mom nor to anyone in my family as they he has created a reputation for him and created a name for me that i am stubborn and stone hearted. and my family members also wont belive me .
I kindly ask you kindly pray for me and advice regarding this, daily i am dying in guilt and fear.
- safna
47 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Assalaamu alaikum dear sister Safna.
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through and I will make dua for you InshaAllah.
First your grandfathers behaviour is disgusting, there are no excuses. He knows what he is doing and even worse he is manipulating you and your family. He has no right to do this. I am sorry that your family are also so unsupportive of you. You have been very patient - but its time to put yourself first. You are not to blame for this my dear sister, you have nothing to feel guilty for, you are a victim in this situation and you have been wronged.
You need to get away from your grandfather - it doesnt matter what he says or what your family says - do not feel guilty for staying away from him. Speak to someone in your family that you can trust or even a girl/sister friend. Find someone you can trust and get support. You need to be as strong as possible. Once you have got away from him and got support then try to tell your family if you can, and report him to the police. There is a chance other girls may also be in danger from him too.
Make dua to Allah to give you the strength to do the best thing, keep yourself safe dear sister. Know that Allah swt sees all and He will give you recompense.
InshaAllah some other co-editors and readers will add to this.
We are hear to offer you support my dear sister, and we are praying for you. You are welcome to write on here if you need more advice. Alternatively, depending on which country you are in, we can arrange for you to speak to a female editor if you like.
Peace,
Sara
x
dear sara, assalamu alaikum , thank u so much for ur concern and caring words, but sister, i cant do anything wat u said, i can only dua to allah. no one in my family will understand or believe me. because as i said, my grand dad is the big person in my village, and he has created a good name among everyone. and my family all are illiterate, i am the first graduate in my family, to study itself i struggled a lot, with so much of scoldings and abuses, i did my studies.
now i want to get out of my home, i got a job in andhra pradesh as asst.professor in a pharmacy college as i have did my m.pharm, i was very happy and thanking allah, but that went in vain, my family didnt allow me to go.
now my granddad is saying if u allow her to work then she will get spoiled and so on.
he is saying already this girl is overqualified and its difficult for us to get a guy for her and if she starts to work, then it will be very difficult to get her married and so on, now i am completely house arrest, cant even go to terrace and relax myself.
i have applied for many colleges but didnt get any call letters from any of them, moreover we dont have a permanent home, so have given my granddad address as communication address, i dont know whether any call letter came or not.
in allah's grace i am the only girl child in my family, allah has protected other girl child by not sending to my family.
i am all in tears sister,i was thinking that i dont have anyone to care for me, but i found there are so many good hearted people in this world for me
thank you so much
asslamu alaikum
salaamu'alaykum warahmatuyllaahi wabarakaatuhuu.
(Comment removed by Editor)
Umm-Az-Zubayr,
I know you care, but I don't think your comments are helpful or easing for the Sister.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i know there is no law of Allaah where the sister lives, infact hardly any place on earth.
but the punishment for incest in the law of Allaah is that the violator gets beheaded and all his property taken by the one who kills him.
the prophet[saww] heard of a man who married his fathers wife after his death, and he commandedone of his companions to go and slice his head off and take his property, the companions took with him the flag of jihaad as though he was going for jihaad.
and once he identified who the man was, he didnt even bother talking to him, he just pounced upon him from out of nowhere and beheaded him.and took his house, everything he owned.
so if this is the punishment for a woman who was not even a blood relative, then what about the direct grandaughter.
rather than molest your neighbours wife, you would rather molest 10 other women, if this is the unrelated neighbour, then what about the direct grandaughter..
The story you have narrated is in fact saheeh (it was narrated by ibn Al-Qayyim, and classified as Saheeh by Sheikh Al-Albaani), but I want to point out a few details:
1. Are you positive that the woman was not a blood relative? She may indeed have been his mother. And Allah knows best.
2. It's not clear to me whether the one who did the beheading confiscated the wealth for himself, or on behalf of the bayt al-maal.
3. Such actions can only be done under authority of the state, not by any individual vigilante. Therefore this is not really productive advice. We need to give the sister advice that is more relevant to her in her situation.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum, sister Safna,
Thank you very much for sharing and trusting us. I agree with Sister Sara.
You are 24, take the opportunity to work and get out of that hell first of all and once you are out look for counselling to heal all the damage that this,... I have no name for him, has made to you.
You are not guilty, it wasn´t your fault, you need help to get out, there are proffesional specialized on those issues, a child that has been abused by family needs therapy to understand and to be able to face life in the most healthy way, insha´Allah.
Save yourself from this evil man, you are a grown up woman with studies and opportunities coming to your door, they have stolen your inocence, they don´t have the right to steal all your life.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
dear maria, assalamu alaikum , thank u so much for ur concern and caring words, but sister, i cant do anything wat u said, i can only dua to allah. no one in my family will understand or believe me. because as i said, my grand dad is the big person in my village, and he has created a good name among everyone. and my family all are illiterate, i am the first graduate in my family, to study itself i struggled a lot, with so much of scoldings and abuses, i did my studies.
now i want to get out of my home, i got a job in andhra pradesh as asst.professor in a pharmacy college as i have did my m.pharm, i was very happy and thanking allah, but that went in vain, my family didnt allow me to go.
now my granddad is saying if u allow her to work then she will get spoiled and so on.
he is saying already this girl is overqualified and its difficult for us to get a guy for her and if she starts to work, then it will be very difficult to get her married and so on, now i am completely house arrest, cant even go to terrace and relax myself.
i have applied for many colleges but didnt get any call letters from any of them, moreover we dont have a permanent home, so have given my granddad address as communication address, i dont know whether any call letter came or not.
in allah's grace i am the only girl child in my family, allah has protected other girl child by not sending to my family.
i am all in tears sister,i was thinking that i dont have anyone to care for me, but i found there are so many good hearted people in this world for me
thank you so much
asslamu alaikum
Walaykum as salam, my beloved Safna,
I believe Allah(swt) works in miraculous ways, ask Him(swt) to help you and guide your way to be your best in this life, insha´Allah.
Be straight, positive and focus on Allah(swt) as you already doo, Alhamdulillah.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaykum as Salam
My dear beautiful Sister, Asalaamualaykum,
Please find the courage to speak to your father in confidence. If you could move out easily, I would suggest that, but I believe that you need protection and security from your father. I can imagine that what I am suggesting will be extremely difficult, but there may be other girls who have/are still being molested by your grandfather aswell.
You have nothing at all to feel guilty about. You are the victim in this situation.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Sister Z
assalamu alaikum, hope you are safe and sound in the grace of almighty allah,
sister i am experiencing a deep sense of trauma now, my parents want me to get married and settle in my home town itself, but i don't want to be in home town and in India, because if i am here then that man will come and my molestation will continue even after getting married and my life wont be peaceful....
even now i am not peaceful, i just want to get out this house,,, but at the same time i don"t want to defame my parents...., i told them i want to settle abroad but they are saying that you are over qualified in our community and old so its not possible to get a guy from abroad... and i am not beautiful also .... so now my mom just wants me to get me out of home by getting married...
now that i want to know, if i get out of my home..... will it be a sin.... and cursing from my parents are not a new to me.. and i am afraid of that also... sister i have become stubborn and arrogant because of the abuses i underwent ... now no one is there to understand me except Allah... i am praying to him but even Allah is not answering my prayers.....
if i get out of my home, a big turmoil will happen in my family, and of course curses will those curses affect my life... is it Islamic way to get out of family and create a life on my own
please reply me sister
Waslam sister safna,
Though you requested help from Sister Z but I hope you don't mind me replying to you and helping you in the best way I can Insha Allah. Sorry to hear that you are still struggling; may Allah (swt) make things easier for you. Please don't lose patience; it may be a test for your patience in fact and Allah (swt) tests his servants in many different ways. Sister this is a difficult situation no doubt but if you get frustrated like this then you may end up in more misery; you need to be calm down and remain peaceful; no matter how difficult the situation you will have to remain sensible because this is the need of your situation. The reason I say this is that it will help you to plan ahead and see how you can get out of this situation. Being afraid, scared or rushing into things or just feeling hopeless/helpless won’t help. I understand what you are saying which translate into you wanting to leave your current city/town or even country to avoid your grandfather.
Here is a suggestion; have you met this man who your parents are planning to get you married of with in halal set-up? Is he a good person with good character, intelligent and over all a good Muslim? If you find him someone who you like overall then you can request him that after getting married; you want to leave your city and want to relocate to other city or country. You don’t have to tell him about your current situation and I won’t suggest this even after getting married either because we are not supposed to inform anyone of our past sins (I understand that it wasn’t concentual but still it will create a lot of doubts in your future spouse’s mind).
Your parents are absolutely wrong in saying that you won’t get any proposals from abroad because you are old and over qualified. That is a very traditional thinking corrupted with our Indo-Pak culture which has nothing to do with Islam. Hazrat Khadijah (RA) was herself a business woman and this wasn’t a problem when our Prophet (PBUH) accepted her proposal. In fact a lot of guys today who are independent want a wife who is educated and is career minded. My own cousin sister who is beween 43-45 never married before(I am sure you are not older than her) is getting married to a brother from US; so don’t pay attention to these back dated ideas. Everyone is beautiful in their own ways; their is no set standard for what is beautiful and what isn't. I myself have approached sister who were atleast 5-8 years older than me and I prefer them for certain reason over younger sisters. This is just a preferance and I don’t have any problem marrying younger girls either if they are mature and marriage material.
Is it possible for you to sign up to matrimonial websites and find your own spouse if your family allows you to? Can you involve your local imam; if he is Allah fearing person than he will help you insha Allah by informing your parents about your rights in choosing your marriage partner. I won’t recommend you to go against your parents; try to reason with them no matter how difficult they might be. I can understand that due to constant abuse you have become stuborn and arrogant but sister this won’t help you at all. Be respectful but at the same time don’t let them force you into marrying someone who you are not attracted at all or you are not compatible with. I will recommend to offer Salat-ul-Hajat and Salat-ul-Tahajid and invoke Allah (swt) by making a lot of duas, reciting Quran, doing charity. Please try to remain in wudu all the time if you can or at least as much you can. Don’t give up hope dear sister.
Again sister, please don’t leave you house because you are more valnurable to fall in wrong hands. If nothing else works then you have the option to chose a Muslim brother (don’t marry any non-Muslim which is haram for you as Muslim woman) who is honest, trustworthy, of good character, earns halal and enough to support you and futue family and most importantly who you know will stand by you in thick and thin. Once you find such brother; contact an imam and request him to be your wali and arrange for your Islamic Nikkah. Remember sister, this is the last resort; only after you have tried everything and don’t see any other solution to your problem. If you choose to marry by taking Imam as your Wali, make sure you take all the necessary steps to legalise your Nikah.
May Allah (swt) make things easier for you and may HE (swt) show you the way out of this situation and help you make the right decision and soften the hearts of your parents. (Amin).
Wasalam,
Muhammad1982.
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
sister, I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering. You hae been betrayed by the very people who aught to love and cherish you.
As the editors have suggested get out of this misery. My advice is that you tell someone you trust about what has happened to you. Is it possible for you to speak to your father, would you be comfortable to relate to him the hell you have been going through, its not fair that you've had to live with this on your own? So please get it off your chest and ask for help.
Also don't let anyone manipulate you, be strong now. Get yourself a good job and move away if possible. Maybe live with some good sisters and live your life.
Don't feel guilty, will yourself to stand up for yourself. Do your salah daily and pray to God to help you, don't lose sight of the fact that its only Allah who can remove your misery, so pray to him and at the same time take charge of your life.
I pray Allah makes it easy for you.
dear hafsa, assalamu alaikum , thank u so much for ur concern and caring words, but sister, i cant do anything wat u said, i can only dua to allah. no one in my family will understand or believe me. because as i said, my grand dad is the big person in my village, and he has created a good name among everyone. and my family all are illiterate, i am the first graduate in my family, to study itself i struggled a lot, with so much of scoldings and abuses, i did my studies.
now i want to get out of my home, i got a job in andhra pradesh as asst.professor in a pharmacy college as i have did my m.pharm, i was very happy and thanking allah, but that went in vain, my family didnt allow me to go.
now my granddad is saying if u allow her to work then she will get spoiled and so on.
he is saying already this girl is overqualified and its difficult for us to get a guy for her and if she starts to work, then it will be very difficult to get her married and so on, now i am completely house arrest, cant even go to terrace and relax myself.
i have applied for many colleges but didnt get any call letters from any of them, moreover we dont have a permanent home, so have given my granddad address as communication address, i dont know whether any call letter came or not.
in allah's grace i am the only girl child in my family, allah has protected other girl child by not sending to my family.
and sister, my dad also will not understand me, there is already a lof of fightings between my parents, if i go and say this, first they wont believe me and even if they do i am afraid my parents will separate once for all and again i have to go to my grandparents home, which will make my life even more miserable and worst.
i am all in tears sister,i was thinking that i dont have anyone to care for me, but i found there are so many good hearted people in this world for me
thank you so much
asslamu alaikum
Salam Alaykom Dear Sister Sofna,
My heart is with you sister and it breaks for you. I agree with the advice sisters Sara, Hafsa, and Maria has given. I will make du'a for you! You are a strong woman, to go through such abuse and betrayal in the hands of your own family and still be able to look them in the face takes a lot of strength and courage. You have lived with this pain and still eager to educate yourself and live life...you are stronger than you think! Dear sister, take this strength, and leave the prison you have been brought up in. Allah (SWT) will guide you, in-fact...he has been the whole time, it is just that your family members have been hindering your blessing! Do not let such disgrace (on your grandfathers part) take away from your happiness and such cold ignorance steal your life. You were so young when this started, un-able to rely even on your mother for help or protection...how sad and disgusting! You are a woman now, able to confront such neglect, abuse, betrayal and with Allah's (SWT) help, have the strength, and courage to put it to an end and expose the ugly truth. For your sake, for anyone else who may fall prey to this "man" and for the sake of peace. Find someone who you can trust...confide in them and get the resources of help you need to break free and live your life. Find comfort and solitude with Allah (SWT) and trust that he will guide you through this. You know deep within what needs to be done, insha'Allah my sister you can and will do what needs to be done! There is no excuse for what shame and disgrace your grandfather has done, it is he who is the disgrace, and does not deserve even the slightest acknowledgment from you nor the honor of being called your grandfather!!! Allah (SWT) will have his part in this, he is the all knowing, loving God and will give you your recompense!! Please, I am here for you sister if you should ever need me insha'Allah!! May Allah (SWT) be with you, bless you, and protect you always..Ameen.
Peace be with you sister..INSHA'ALLAH!
Salams
OmDania
dear omdania, assalamu alaikum , thank u so much for ur concern and caring words, but sister, i cant do anything wat u said, i can only dua to allah. no one in my family will understand or believe me. because as i said, my grand dad is the big person in my village, and he has created a good name among everyone. and my family all are illiterate, i am the first graduate in my family, to study itself i struggled a lot, with so much of scoldings and abuses, i did my studies.
now i want to get out of my home, i got a job in andhra pradesh as asst.professor in a pharmacy college as i have did my m.pharm, i was very happy and thanking allah, but that went in vain, my family didnt allow me to go.
now my granddad is saying if u allow her to work then she will get spoiled and so on.
he is saying already this girl is overqualified and its difficult for us to get a guy for her and if she starts to work, then it will be very difficult to get her married and so on, now i am completely house arrest, cant even go to terrace and relax myself.
i have applied for many colleges but didnt get any call letters from any of them, moreover we dont have a permanent home, so have given my granddad address as communication address, i dont know whether any call letter came or not.
in allah's grace i am the only girl child in my family, allah has protected other girl child by not sending to my family.
and sister, my dad also will not understand me, there is already a lof of fightings between my parents, if i go and say this, first they wont believe me and even if they do i am afraid my parents will separate once for all and again i have to go to my grandparents home, which will make my life even more miserable and worst.
i am all in tears sister,i was thinking that i dont have anyone to care for me, but i found there are so many good hearted people in this world for me
now i just want a good job with good salary and blessings from allah so that i can leave my home and be peace for sometime atleast.
thank you so much
asslamu alaikum
safna,
It is so sad to hear that you have had to grow up silent during all of this abuse. It's even sadder to learn that your own mother knows what has gone on and has essentially allowed it. I wonder...if your grandfather has molested you, whats to say that he is not sexually abusing other children in your family?
I know others may disagree with me due to your grandfathers age but you really should go to the police. He has committed an unspeakable crime and could be touching other children in an inappropriate manner as we speak. I would also add that if you are financially able, you should get yourself away from your grandfather at all cost. In your community, you may have some organization that might help you get settled somewhere else. May Allah help you and keep you away from this abominable man.
dear najah, assalamu alaikum , thank u so much for ur concern and caring words, but sister, i cant do anything wat u said, i can only dua to allah. no one in my family will understand or believe me. because as i said, my grand dad is the big person in my village, and he has created a good name among everyone. and my family all are illiterate, i am the first graduate in my family, to study itself i struggled a lot, with so much of scoldings and abuses, i did my studies.
now i want to get out of my home, i got a job in andhra pradesh as asst.professor in a pharmacy college as i have did my m.pharm, i was very happy and thanking allah, but that went in vain, my family didnt allow me to go.
now my granddad is saying if u allow her to work then she will get spoiled and so on.
he is saying already this girl is overqualified and its difficult for us to get a guy for her and if she starts to work, then it will be very difficult to get her married and so on, now i am completely house arrest, cant even go to terrace and relax myself.
i have applied for many colleges but didnt get any call letters from any of them, moreover we dont have a permanent home, so have given my granddad address as communication address, i dont know whether any call letter came or not.
in allah's grace i am the only girl child in my family, allah has protected other girl child by not sending to my family.
and sister, my dad also will not understand me, there is already a lof of fightings between my parents, if i go and say this, first they wont believe me and even if they do i am afraid my parents will separate once for all and again i have to go to my grandparents home, which will make my life even more miserable and worst.
i am all in tears sister,i was thinking that i dont have anyone to care for me, but i found there are so many good hearted people in this world for me
now i just want a good job with good salary and blessings from allah so that i can leave my home and be peace for sometime atleast.
thank you so much
asslamu alaikum
salam safna
i am just shocked,, how can such a human being do this ..realy such a thing cant even do by an animal.....i advice you to search a good momin guy for you by yourself and get married soon and dont care any family member.....just do it and later all will understand or atleast you safely escape from this hell....
May Allah guide your family
dear avi, assalamu alaikum , thank u so much for ur concern and caring words, but sister, i cant do anything wat u said, i can only dua to allah. no one in my family will understand or believe me. because as i said, my grand dad is the big person in my village, and he has created a good name among everyone. and my family all are illiterate, i am the first graduate in my family, to study itself i struggled a lot, with so much of scoldings and abuses, i did my studies.
now i want to get out of my home, i got a job in andhra pradesh as asst.professor in a pharmacy college as i have did my m.pharm, i was very happy and thanking allah, but that went in vain, my family didnt allow me to go.
now my granddad is saying if u allow her to work then she will get spoiled and so on.
he is saying already this girl is overqualified and its difficult for us to get a guy for her and if she starts to work, then it will be very difficult to get her married and so on, now i am completely house arrest, cant even go to terrace and relax myself.
i have applied for many colleges but didnt get any call letters from any of them, moreover we dont have a permanent home, so have given my granddad address as communication address, i dont know whether any call letter came or not.
in allah's grace i am the only girl child in my family, allah has protected other girl child by not sending to my family.
and sister, my dad also will not understand me, there is already a lof of fightings between my parents, if i go and say this, first they wont believe me and even if they do i am afraid my parents will separate once for all and again i have to go to my grandparents home, which will make my life even more miserable and worst.
i am all in tears sister,i was thinking that i dont have anyone to care for me, but i found there are so many good hearted people in this world for me
now i just want a good job with good salary and blessings from allah so that i can leave my home and be peace for sometime atleast.
thank you so much
asslamu alaikum
Sister,
You NEED to get away from this deplorable man! Please plan your getaway...get help from a mosque at another vicinity. Explain to the police you need alternative housing and get your friends to help you.
assalamu alaikum,
thank you so much for consoling me,my gates are all closed, i cant even get out of my house now. i can elope somehow, but i dont want my family and my parents to defame in front of my relations. and i also dont have an idea, where to go and how to go.
already my mom has given me so many cursings and now if i go out of home, the cursings will grew more and i cant suffer any more, and i also have a feeling that allah will punish me if i just go out of my home.
Dear sister,
allah the almighty has shown relief in my life, i whole heartedly thank you, for your valuable dua for me,
allah has made my dad to read the post in this site, and made him understand the trauma in my life,
my parents spoke about this matter, last sunday and i confessed and burst out all my fear and trauma i underwent from 5years of age.
my dad is beliving me and taking steps to protect me from that evil spirit, but my mom is still care for her dad,and not belived in me fully, but i thank allah, to make her understand about her sick father.
i once again thank you for your dua sister.
Assalam O Alaikum sister Safna,
I am terribly sorry to hear about your unfortunate circumstances. May Allah (swt) protect you from your evil Grand dad. I find it so disgusting and couldn't believe that there are people out there in Muslims who commit these kind of sins Astaghfirullah. He should have been someone who should protect you from the evil and the one who you could feel safe with all the times. Unfortunately, it's complete opposite of that:(.
I read somewhere a long time ago (may Allah forgive me if their are any shortcomings or mistakes) that; when a Muslim man or woman get old (or may be when their soul is about to be taken); Allah (swt) orders angels to be soft on them while taking their life or writing their deeds. Your grandfather should have been doing the deeds which would make his admission to Jannah certain rather than earning the wrath of Allah Almighty. Sister, everyone above me has given you the best advice possible out there on this particular matter but I am sorry to tell you that you grandfather is not going to change and you can't really expect for a miracle to happen. A thief knows that stealing is not only religiously wrong but also socially and morally wrong, yet, he doesn't stop doing so. You need to take some practical steps to end this horrible thing and you will need a lot of courage as well.
There are few options I would like you to consider and see insha Allah if they work for you;
OPTION 1: -
Sister, try to record his conversations with you when you meet him next time just to get the proof of abuse you had to endure all these years. There are a lot of voice recording devices out there in the market (depends where you live) if that's not possible then there are mobile phones with voice recordings that can be used.
Cautions be observed;
Sister, make sure that he doesn't get a clue that you are recording all his conversations. What will happen is that you will request him to stop, telling him how it's wrong religiously, morally and coming from someone who no one will expect. On the other hand he will ignore your pleas and requests but at the same time he will give evidence/clues of all the things he is been doing all this time right from your childhood. YOU HAVE TO COME UP WITH QUESTIONS TO MAKE HIM GIVE OUT ALL THE INFORMATION/SECRETS (yes sister, that's the trick here so, prepare well before hand). Be patient but at the same time don't allow him to physically assault you and KEEP THE RECORDING DEVICE AS FAR SAFE/SECRET FROM HIM AS POSSIBLE.
WHAT TO DO ONCE YOU HAVE EVIDENCE
Once you have the proof get some copies of that and keep them safe and speak to your mother straight away and ask her to listen to the conversation (make sure that conversation is straight to the point and not lengthy). If she refuses to listen the tell her that ok, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LISTEN THEN I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TELL MY FATHER AND SINCE I HAVE THE PROOF HE WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BELIEVE ME.
If you mother is a wise woman; she will pay heed to what you have said after all; she is the one responsible here (no matter how difficult was the relationship between your parents you were still her responsibility since she took you away from your father to live with her parents turning a blind eye to what's been happening to you all these years). But I insist that try you best to convince your mother to listen first even if it takes weeks because if this recording goes into your father's hands then it will give more fuel the disputes between your parents and your mother might end up getting a divorce because it will be VERY VERY HARD for your father to forgive her.
OPTION 2: -
Call him without telling any other member of your family and tell him to call you at a certain time (when you think no one is at home except your mother when your brothers and sisters are away for school/college and your father is at work).
Once he calls you then, put the phone on speaker (but make sure that he doesn't realise that it's on speaker and to do so you will have to speak very clearly CLOSE to the phone speaker). Bring your mother over and ask her to listen to the conversation quietly without making any noises. Again, here you must be careful with your words and not to give impression to your mother that you are also agreeing/ have given consent to what's happening. To the point and say the words so that he gives out the information like; how long this has been going on? What kind of relationship he had with you? etc etc.
Remember sister, you can only have your mother on your side, anyone else even they are family won't be that helpful as your own mother after all he is her father.
If nothing else happens at least she will not send you there again on your own to stay or just visit and ALSO WHO KNOWS HOW MANY OTHER CHILDREN ARE BEING PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED BY HIM?
You have to realise that you have to marry one day Insha Allah and this could be a big big issue for the person you marry. (Allah knows best)
I hope I have helped practically and I pray to Allah (swt) to help you come clean out of this problem and ease of your problems related to this problem or others. (amin)
Please, keep us updated on this issue and we are here to further help you if you need Insha Allah.
Wasalam,
Your brother in Islam,
Muhammad1982.
Dear Brother,
Such excellent advise. It sends chills down my spine when you mentioned he could be abusing other children.
Wasalam
waaliakum salam sister,
I am happy for you, all praise to Allah(swt) who blessed you with this opportunity. Please stay strong, Insha Allah you will get this job and remember this might be the dawn after such a dark night that lasted for several years. Insha Allah, we all brothers and sister will pray for you to have a successful interview to secure this opportunity. Don't give up and I am happy that your parents have allowed you to take this job. Insha Allah, once you are independent, you can find a suitable partner and get married and live happily ever after Insha Allah. Keep us updated about your situation in general and about interviews as well.
May Allah (swt) provide means for you from ghaib to secure this job and help you come out of this whole situation. (Amin)
Wasalam,
Muhammad1982.
IslamicAnswers.com Editor.
dear brothe, i tried to speak with my mom, but it went in vein, atlast she started to abuse me by words, now i am the sinner in my family, no words to explain brother,
now i got a job in my home town itself but i want to go out of this state and settle somewhere, now my parents want me to get married so they are not allowing me to go out of my home town, i got a job as lecturer in a pharmacy college, i am keeping myself occupied by studying and preparing for my ph.d exams. the salary is only 12 thousand rupees, alhamdullialah i am getting something for nothing.
and brother one of my non muslim (hindu) friend proposed me for marriage, i asked him to convert to islam, but he is reluctant in that. as a human i like him, but to marry and live life in islamic way he is haraam for me, i am asking dua to allah to change him towards islam, please dua for me brother.
dear muhammad assalamu alaikum , thank u so much for ur concern and caring words, but bhai, i cant do anything wat u said, i can only dua to allah. no one in my family will understand or believe me. because as i said, my grand dad is the big person in my village, and he has created a good name among everyone. and my family all are illetrate, i am the first graduate in my family, to study itselt i struggled a lot, with so much of scoldings and abuses i did my studies.
now i want to get out of my home, i got a job in andhrapradesh as asst.professor in a pharmacy college as i have did my m.pharm, i was very happy and thanking allah, but that went in vain, my family didnt allow me to go.
now my granddad is saying if u allow her to work then she will get spoiled and so on.
he is saying already this girl is overqualified and its difficult for us to get a guy for her and if she starts to work, then it will be very difficult to get her married and so on, now i am completely house arrest, cant even go to terrace and relax myself.
i have applied for many colleges but didnt get any call letters from any of them, moreover we dont have a permanent home, so have given my granddad address as communication address, i dont know whether any call letter came or not.
in allah's grace i am the only girl child in my family, allah has protected other girl child by not sending to my family.
i am all in tears bhai,i was thinking that i dont have anyone to care for me, but i found there are so many good hearted people in this world for me
thank you so much
asslamu alaikum
Safna,
You are living in fear.
Is there a single member of your family with whom you have a decent relationship? Or atleast an understanding with? If you do, then trust in Allah and speak to them about the abuse you have been suffering all these years. I am not telling you to tell anyone in order to name and shame your grandfather. I am suggesting this only so that you can be given some help in getting away.
You live in India, so I understand why it is more difficult. But dear little Sis, if there is one person who you have an understanding with, be it a family member or a trustworthy teacher - use this as an opportunity to seek help. Perhaps Allah is giving you a way forward through this.
Before you reply back to me saying: 'I can't do anything that you have suggested', take a few minutes to think about what it stopping you. If it is your fear that is stopping you, what are you fearing? That no one will believe you? You do not know this. You can not determine the outcome of something that has not yet happened. So this is the part which you leave to Allah. Speak up and then let Allah make you be heard.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
dear sister, i tried to speak with my mom, but it went in vein, atlast she started to abuse me by words, now i am the sinner in my family, no words to explain sister, now i got a job in my home town itself but i want to go out of this state and settle somewhere, now my parents want me to get married so they are not allowing me to go out of my home town, and sister one of my non muslim (hindu) friend proposed me for marriage, i asked him to convert to islam, but he is reluctant in that. as a human i like him, but to marry and live life in islamic way he is haraam for me, i am asking dua to allah to change him towards islam, please dua for me sister.
Dear brother
assalamu alaikum.
Allah has shown me the lights of hope and relief , he has made my family to read the posts of mine in this site and my dad came to know about my trauma and pain .
i thank you brother for asking dua for me
i thank you all a lot
i dont have words to express my gratitude, though my brothers didnt belive me and they are abusing me, i am happy my dad has belived me and accepted me .
thank you brother
brother there are so many girls in this world who is undergoing the same trauma and abuses, please do dua for all those girls brother, allah will surely show the right path.
Wasalam sister Safna,
I am so happy for you that at least your father is convinced and believes what you have went through is true. See, this is how Allah (swt) rewards those who are patient yet seek the ways to solve the problem. Now, you don't have to live in fear and Insha Allah, I am sure that it's just a matter of time that other people will see what your grand dad did and will protect their children iA. Now, you should thank Allah (swt) through prayers, do charity, extra Ibbadah and help people around you who are/went through similar situations. Even, if it means to go on forums such as this one and help those brothers and sisters who are suffering or have suffered. All praise to Allah (swt) because without his help we are nothing and you don't owe anything to us or any other human but to only Allah (swt) who put love and care in our hearts for our fellow human beings. If you want to return then best thing you can do is to help humans around you in any way possible.
Their is also a lesson for you here; all these years that you went through this abuse was test by Allah (swt) to see if you are patient, remember Allah (swt) and how you use your resources/means to come out of this situation in the best way possible.
Allah (swt) says that he never burdens human being more than he can bear or take. I am sure when you will look back then surely you will realise that if Allah (swt)'s help wasn't their you would never have endured all this. Their are cases when people committ suicide or do other crazy things but Alhamdullilah you weren't one of those.
May Allah (swt) bless and protect all the brothers and sisters (especially) from such people and give them strength, wisdom and understanding to stay sane and fight for themselves. (amin).
Wasalam,
Muhammad1982.
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Assalamu alaikum brother
you are right brother, allah has extended his hands of gratitude and love on me, i will surely walk in the path of allah and do as much as ibadah i can.
brother , without your dua's i wouldn't have got relief, i thank you from my heart brother.
do dua for me,and for other sisters who are undergoing the trauma as that of mine.
salam sister. i share with u just few things.
you can not live ur life when u afraid, accept allah never afraid from anyone.
however get out from that house. after ur matter no one beleave in any blood relation.
how kind of people are in this world, they are doing bad with their blood relation and hide their bad things and showing their good name. allah never forgive them.
sister, almost village people like their name only, even if they bad people.
try to finish like that people name from ur village, from ur relation, and from ur life.
come out of that situation dear.
salam.
i m one of ur sister dear. dont worry allah is with u in ur good things.
pray namaz and ask dua for ur each situation, allah is there to listen u.
insha allah u wil be pass ur each exam.
my wish is this only be happy and live ur good life wherever u be. aamin.
Assalam aleikum wa rahmatuLLAAH, ukhti,
am really sorry to read about your problems and i pray that ALLAAH provides for you a way out. sister subhanaLLAAH! you seem to have given up hope in ever escaping your evil grandad, please don't give up hope, you can get through this, what your grand dad is doing is wrong. how and why would your parents not believe you if you told them, it is the truth so how can they not believe the truth! especially if you give them evidence. mashaAllaah brother Muhhamad has given you very excellent advise on how to obtain the evidence, may Allaah reward him. so please follow those ways and speak to your parents. this is my suggested plan to you:
***first get wudhu properly, perform two Rak`at of prayer of need and ask Ar-Rahman to give you success in this***
1. collect the evidence by recoding your grand dad or even hiding a camera phone somewhere in the room when he is abusing you.
2. once collected, tell your mother that you would like to speak with her in a private conversation. let it be something like this:
" BismiLlaahi Rahman Raheem. Assalam alleikum mother. i am your daughter and i am about to tell you something that is going to be very hard to hear but it is the truth. i am not lying and would never lie about such an issue. Lying is a major sin in Islam, and slandering would be even worse, Allaah, the MOST HIGH says in the Qur`an.
"Truly Allah guides not one who transgresses and lies." Surah 40:28.
In the Hadith, Mohammed (peace and blessings be upon him) was also quoted as saying, "Be honest because honesty leads to goodness, and goodness leads to Paradise. Beware of falsehood because it leads to immorality, and immorality leads to Hell." "
Allaah says again
And those who do not bear witness to lies, and if they pass by some evil talk, they pass by it with dignity " [Al-Qur'an 25:72]
"... So shun the abomination of idols, and shun lying speech " [Al-Qur'an 22:30]
And according to another hadeeth narrated by Abu Bakra, Allah's Apostle said thrice:
" 'Shall I not inform you of the biggest of the great sins?' We said ' Yes, O Allah's Apostle '. He said, ' To join partners in worship with Allah, To be undutiful to one's parents '. The prophet sat up after he had been reclining and added, ' And I warn you against giving forged statements and a false witness; I warn you against giving forged statements and a false witness '. The Prophet kept on saying that till we thought that he would not stop " [Bukhari, Book of Good Manners] "
So mother i am not lying and i would never dare to. mother granddad has been sexually molesting me, ever since i was a little girl. mummy he has stolen my innocence and i do not know what to do or who to turn to for help except for Allaah and then you. mummy please believe me because if you don't then you are not doing your job as a mother well for you have not protected me.
mummy i know it`s hard to hear but its the truth.
After all this if you still do not believe me, then i will walk out of this house and you will never see me again and i WILL report granddad myself to the authorities, it does not matter how long it takes or how hard you try to lock me up, i will eventually get out and the truth will be known. because i am speaking the truth, and Allaah is with the truthful"!
sister you keep saying that all you can do is pray and that is so true, dua is a big weapon, but maybe by showing you this website, Allaah is answering you dua!!
take care hun, look after yourself and fear Allaah, love you for the sake of Allaah!!
also sister, you might be surprised that maybe he even abused you mother as a little girl or other girls. put your trust in ALLAAH and take a step
Hey, I am not part of your religion but i also went through this when i was younger (6 till 12) and im now 17 its the worst feeling in the world, its a lot to cope with. Its hard to understand why he would do this to you. At a young age you don't know right from wrong and he made me feel like it was normal until i hit 11 that's when i knew something wasen't right. I never told anyone until i was 12 i was in court 3 days a week for trials and things, it messed up my whole life i don't get on to well with lads. I stopped talking to him 6 months before the court proceedings and have never talked to him since and neither has any of my family members. Try to capture what he does to you on camera or video tape, show it to your mother.
Good Luck ill pray for you
Tanya,
I am so sorry for what you have been through.
I hope your mother has been supportive and that you have found some peace.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Salaam sister.
I understand excactly how you feel. I am also a victim of this type of abuse, from the age of 7, by my mum's uncle. I live in the uk. Im feeling exremely powerless at the moment, it's like i cannot do anything at all because i have no choice. Im at university now, aged 19...everyday that passes hurts. NOBODY understands me, or knows me, and i can't blame anyone because i myself cannot share this horrible 'secret' with anyone. I want everyone to know how he really is, but he blackmails, is aggressive and controls everyone around him with his manipulative way of talking. I get nightmares which affect me hugely. There's just so much to say, things are very complicated.
I hope Allah gives us patience, and justice will be served...inshaAllah.
I sincerely hope your problems diminish very quickly, and you are able to be happy, inshaAllah.
Take care xxx
Dear M,
I only just read your comment here and I am very concerned.
Please get in touch with us here and so we can try to help you inshaAllah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear sister
assalamu alaikum , hope your are fine
i am good sister, but i am not peaceful now, my mom and my two brothers are still not believing me and abusing me a lot. my mom doesn't speak to me usually, now after the about her dad has came out, it has become even worse. she is backbiting about me to my brother and abusing me sister.
now i feel why this matter came out. coz i couldn't bear the mental torture.
sister, i want to marry the guy who proposed to me and live peacefully, the only thing which ties me is religion,i dont want to go away from my religion. and i have already said about my past to him, and he was the only person to be with me in all my distress
do dua for me sister, i did salatul isthikhara, but i dont know what was the answer and guidance from allah, after praying i feel more relaxed and confident.
Safna, Walaykumsalaam,
I will email you later this evening inshaAllah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
thank you sister, for your prayer, i will also pray for you dear, its lucky that your in western countries, here in india still muslim girls are denied of education and basic rights. even for me nobody is there to understand me my situation and your situation is the same dear sister. in this holy month of ramadan lets pray to allah, he is the only one who can really help us.
remeber me in your dua.
assalamu alaikum
This is UNBELIEVABLE safna and M, none of you should have to feel like you are somehow responsible or CAN'T talk to someone else. Involve your community, whether that's an imam, his wife, an older sister at your MSA, a shelter or need be even the police. It's ridiculous that this has gone unabaited even after you told your mother Safna. Be firm with her and tell her you have a job offer and are independent, and if your grandfather doesn't vacate your physical premise it will involve you moving away and having the police physically arrest him. Heck I would have the latter done whatever is the case, God knows if he has done this to you if he will try it on anyone else!
Salam sister
I'm very sorry , that bloody old man , is a
I literally want to abused that guy
At the old age when ppl ask for forgiveness of allah talah this old rapist is molesting his own granddaughter
I hope that u get out of this hell.
May allah be with u
I'm sorry for my bad comment but he deserved it
Dear sister Safina,
My friend was a victim of sexual abuse by her own father since she was 9 years old. He kept her quiet by telling her that her mother will fall very sick and die if she told anyone. In her early teens, she told her mother only to be told to 'forgive and forget'.
The abuse continued until she was about 16 - when she had an involuntary outburst while she was visiting her maternal uncle whom she respected and was close to. He managed to dig out of her everything that day about what her father did all those 7 years. He immediately took action, had her removed from her home and moved in to stay with him, his wife and his children. He made sure her father never came into his house because that was her only safe sanctuary.
Now, we would think other family members, upon knowing the truth, would support my friend who was the victim of her father's sexual abuse - unfortunately, this wasn't the case. Alhamdulillah, my friend had her uncle standing up for her against everyone else and continued taking care of her til the day he passed away.
At times doing the right thing may be the hardest thing to do but InsyaAllah, with knowledge and courage, you can stand up against those who oppose you, even if they are your own family. Upon her uncle's death when she was 18 (yes, she only was protected by him for 2 years before he passed away from cancer), my friend tried to stay with her family again, living under the same roof as her father - this took a toll on her for the next few years until she fell into depression and was suicidal. She knew that for her own sanilty and life, she has to move out - and she did. For 3 years she was on her own, cut off all contacts with her family, got treatment and counselling for her depression. When she was finally stronger and ready to reconcile with her family, she moved in with her late uncle's wife and her children while maintaining contact with her mother but maintains distance from her father - those 3 years away has convinced everyone that her father must not be allowed to be anywhere near her, Alhamdulillah.
The link below leads you to an article meant to help Imams in the west to take action for victims of abuse - hopefully knowing your rights and how you should be protected will help you find courage to tell someone in position the truth, even if it is an outsider.
http://www.soundvision.com/info/socialservice/sexabuseimamwest.asp
If all else fails, go straight to the police and make a police report - he may not be put behind bars but he will be called up for questioning and THAT should shake him up abit to realise that you are not afraid to take action against him. Needless to say, your family will most likely oppose you - but those who are on your side are the ones you know you can depend on. Move out if you have to - know that Allah is on your side for you are doing this NOT to hurt anyone but to protect yourself and uphold justice - you might also be saving other girls' lives from your abuser's reach. InsyaAllah, when you find courage to uphold justice in Allah's name, you will find Allah's support when you least expect it.
Here's the link once again:
http://www.soundvision.com/info/socialservice/sexabuseimamwest.asp
Wasssalam and may Allah help you find courage in doing what is right, dear sister Safina.