Should I marry with my cousin?
I love my cousin, she also love me.
2 months ago, she had sex with someone. She herself told me a week ago. I'm very much upset on hearing this. She is very ashamed of what she did. Does virginity lost matter?
Should i forgive her and marry her?
Please guide me what i should do?
please help me
- abidali603
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Brother,
I'm not sure what to say. You want to know the opinions on others if it's ok to marry her, now that she's not a virgin?
Well the answer I suppose first deals with Allah, then you, then your family.
As far as Allah is concerned, yes she committed a grave sin. Having sex before marriage is prohibited. However, if she seeks forgiveness from Allah with the intention not to do it again, then InshaAllah she will be forgiven and judgement on her soul and her intentions are between her and Allah.
As far as your family, I'm just not sure how families find out about their potential daughter or son's sex life before marriage. Is it possible that the community is so small that eventually all secrets reveal themselves? In the west, as long as the girl doesn't have a strongly secured reputation for promiscuity, diving into the actions of a person before they chose a life of marriage and monogamy aren't really what we would call acceptable. If the in-laws went probing into their new daughter in law's past sexual affairs, they'd be reprimanded by the girl and she would surely enforce some sort of wall between her beau and his parents due to their "uncouth" question, which he would probably recognize and respect.
As far as you are concerned, if you decide to forgive her or not is up to you. I do have to say though, that although I might commend her for her honesty, and even if she IS your cousin, please make sure you know her behavior and values well enough to be able to reasonably foresee her NOT repeating this behavior with anyone else outside the marriage in the future. I'm not sure how her demeanor was when she told you what she did, but hopefully she exhibited the type of repentance and guilt that a girl would show that wouldn't do it again. I'd say if she approached the subject with less than a repentant nature, I might exercise caution when proposing the idea of marriage to her.
Best of luck,
Sister Stacy
Lost virginity isn't the problem, it's the circumstances around it that matter. I wonder what kind of lifestly this girl has that she would just end up having sex with someone.
How could she get close enough with a man, for long enough, and with privacy for something like this to happen? Is she routinely alone with non mahram men.
One doesn't just have sex at the drop of a hat. There must have been a whole social dance that was probably haraam from the begining.
One part of me is saying, the only you can decided if you want to forgive her, the other side of me is thinking if you were my brother, I would go crazy and want to protect you from such a woman.
Assalaamualaikam,
As far as I am aware, you are not prohibited from marrying her, whether or not she is a virgin; however, I feel it's important to consider the situation carefully to decide if you still want to marry her.
As you say that you love her and are considering marriage, I assume you have both discussed this and have planned to get married, hopefully in accordance with Islamic guidance.
The circumstances of her having sex with someone are important: Was it consensual? Did it happen when she was already planning marriage to you? Was it a single mistake or an ongoing affair? Is she truly repentant?
If she did not wish to have sex and it happened against her will, then the fault lies with the other person. In this case, she will need gentleness and support to help her through the upset of this.
If she willingly had sex with someone while discussing marriage with another, that adds an extra layer of betrayal on top of the already grave sin of zina. While no person alive today is perfect, you need to think about whether this is something you can forgive and accept, and whether you can trust her again.
It is often quoted that chaste people should marry chaste people, and unchaste people should marry unchaste people. There are many reasons why this is generally wise advice. For example: If you marry her, will you be able to set this in the past and not resent her for it? Will you be able to trust her not to do the same thing again in the future? If she is truly repentant, will she be able to be with you without it being a painful reminder of her sin? The human mind and heart are not always sure what to do - pray to Allah for guidance, and think long and hard about your decision.
Another matter to consider is that if she has had sexual contact with another person, there are risks of STDs and pregnancy. Regardless of whether you decide to marry her or not, advise her to go for a sexual health checkup, and to take a pregnancy test.
If she is truly repentant, she would be wise to look at her actions and make changes to avoid coming near zina ever again. Does she lower her gaze? Does she avoid private interactions with non-mahram men? Does she engage in risky or un-Islamic behaviours? Does she dress modestly? Does she pray regularly and study her faith?
May Allah guide you both to what is best for you.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Wa'alaykumsalam,
Actually, if she fornicated then it is prohibited for him to marry her unless she repent sincerely (only Allah knows), as Allah said (meaning of verse):"..do not marry female fornicator, only a male fornicator or a mushrik marries her. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers. (Quran 24:3)
Walaikam salaam,
JazakhAllah khair brother. I apologise for the error and appreciate your correction.
I was posting from my phone, and intended to say that if she is repentant he is not prohibited from marrying her.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Wa iyyaka sis.
I'm just confused about some posts. So if she had sex before marriage then that is zina . as per the verse that Ali bro posted she can't marry anyone else never(she has to spend her life alone? But males that do zina can marry??). I'm confused because I was told if you repent sincerely to Allah. He will forgive you and can marry someone and not even tell your future husband about your sin. As the sin is between that person and Allah. Please explain to me I'm so lost
sadgirl, your understanding is correct. One who made tawbah and has been living an Islamic lifestyle is not considered a "zani" and can marry any Muslim. Furthermore, no one should reveal his past sins; however, one also should not lie.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamualaikam
Repentance is the key issue - if someone repents, inshaAllah they are forgiven. If someone commits zina and makes heartfelt tawbah, they can then marry any Muslim.
My understanding of that verse is that if someone has not repented for their sin, then a believer should not marry them; if someone does not care that they have transgressed, how can they be a good life partner for a believing Muslim?
We are advised not to reveal past sins unnecessarily, as these should be private between an individual and Allah. It is important to guard our modesty, and to avoid unnecessary suffering coming to our fellow Muslims. However, we should also strive for honesty - if asked a question, we may refuse to answer or answer honestly, but we must not lie. Some people refuse to answer such questions on principle, as this is a private matter and so should not be broadcast.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
You understood wrong here.
This is the verse 3 of surah 24, "The fornicator shall marry none but a fornicatress or an idolatress; and the fornicatress - none shall marry her but a fornicator or an idolater; that is forbidden to the believers."
verse 5 of surah 24, Except those who repent thereafter and do righteous deeds, (for such) verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
So to explain it, a zani must marry only a zania or mushrikah and a zania must marry only a zani or a mushrik and so chaste muslims are forbidden to marry these immoral muslims UNLESS they repent sincerely and do righteous deeds. If they have repented sincerely, then they may marry any muslims and are not considered a zani or zania.
Thank you for explanation, helped alot. In my post , I was told do not tell anyone and your future husband . If asked use double entendre in ur speech. ( that still considered as lie right?)?