We want to be together but his family refuses
Assalam o alikom!
I am a 19 year old Muslim girl. My father is Moroccan, mother is American. My father and all his family is Muslim, and my mother is Christian. I was not taught Islam growing up, but when I got older, about 14/15, I got really into it and taught myself the habit, and researched and learned on my own. My mother is very supportive, and has a big knowledge of Islam, though she is a very faithful Christian.
I met a guy, who is 20. He is half Palestinian, half Brazilian. His father and his family are traditional when it comes to marriage. The guy is a very good guy, and we began talking for a while and felt a big connection. We have the same mentality and dreams for life. We talked about getting married and being together for real. He wants my hand, but he told me to be patient and not get my hopes up due to his strict family; he wanted to talk to his father casually to see the chances.
He did not mention me to his father, but they were speaking of marriage in general. His father told him that he must marry a girl whose parents are BOTH Arab and BOTH Muslim. The guy has pretty much told me that he would do anything for my hand besides ignore his father, because this would end up with him being disowned. We were both so upset, but he told me it just wouldn't work.
Sisters, this is very wrong, and I am seeking advice. This is the man I want to marry, and I know he feels the same about me, but I do understand that what his father says cannot be questioned, even though it's so wrong. I don't want to give up easily! He doesn't want to lead me into a "relationship" then end up both broken when his father refuses me in the end. I am a good girl, and I can't stand to be refused just because of my mothers nationality and religion. Any advice or suggestions to make this work? Please I am desperate. Thanks ladies.
Salam!
natpw1
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Salam alaikom sister,
I agree with you this is wrong. He should not worry about what his father is saying. My husband didn't even tell his mother he was going to marry me. My mother and father are both Christian as I am a revert. My husband married me first and then I met his mother, we of course had his fathers permission, who was supportive because you can not stop a marriage over nationality. His mother didn't like me and for months I had trouble winning her approval. Which sister most women go through, in the end my mother in law loves me. In your case it is different though. It is not tradition sister for a Muslim to marry an Arab, I can see where his father is coming from though. Perhaps he wants his grand children to speak Arabic. You know what I have been married for 5 1/2 years and I speak, read and write Arabic! I am not an Arab, my father is Australian and my mother is Filipino.
My children understand Arabic, and are well mannered because I had taken the time to learn Islam, and the Arabic language. I actually care for my kids better than my brother in laws Arab wife! Put it that way. Inshala things will work out for you, if he really wants you and loves you he shouldn't let his fathers word get in the way. It is mother, mother, mother then father, in Islam so he should not worry about being disowned, because Allah swt will not abandon His believers and the faithful.
Its wrong, but if the guy is backing off, I dont think its wise to push for it. It was incorrect islamically to get involved and speak to him one on one without a chaperone. Because that involves feelings and thats when a person's ability to be logical takes a back seat.
The father may be mistaken for refusing such a match but the son is making the choice to go with his father's decison and he has that choice. He has not wronged you in anyway. He is letting you know that he does not want to pursue this father and get into a conflict with his father. Islamically, thats perfectly fine. There is no problem in it. He is choosing a path based on the reality of his situation. It is a good thing on his part that he is not continuing a relationship with you and instead is honestly telling you that he cannot continue.
Islam is not black and white. And often when we learn about islam, everything seems like rules and rights. There are also wisdoms and weighing between options. Something may be halal but not wise for a person to get into based on his or her situation.
This man is not the last man on earth for you, nor the first and vice verca.
Sister Aminah, with all due respect, your advice to this young sister is not very wise.
It may be incorrect what his father said but we cannot incite a sister to go persuade a man to go up against his father if he does not wish to. Every situation is not like your situation.
Every culture is different. I know of a man who chose to marry within his own culture because that was his mother's preference and that is OK completely islamically. That is not racism. If the son chose, he could have taken the path of persuading his mom otherwise, but if he doesnt, he is not wronging anyone!!
We should be careful about giving advice to others without due study of the deen. And harm someone in ignorance.
Salam,
A man is allowed to marry of his own will. However if out of respect he wants to marry someone that his parents will be happy with then thats his choice.
But what is wrong is a man persuing or talking to a women who does not fit his parents criteria. If he knew that his parents only wanted both arab and muslim daughter in law, then why was he talking to you. He should only look for women in that category.
Many men get involved with a women and then later dump her by saying 'you don't fit my parents criteria, I can't go against them'. That is totally cruel.
I think you should let him go as he does not like you enough to try to convince his parents or take up his right.
Do not despair there are plenty more fish in the sea!. You may find someone better then him. You can't rush marriage. You need to be very careful who you select. And next time make sure you ask them first whether you fit their parents criteria. These things need to be cleared up first rather then later
Walaikum salam sister,
As sisters mentioned above, problem is on his side and he should sort it out. It does mean that if he is serious about you; he will convince his parents because at the end of the day; you will be marrying him not his family. Also, while we are required to respect our parents; it doesn't mean that we should hand them over our right to chose the life partner for us. Parents should be there to guide their children not rule them or blackmail them into marrying someone of their own choice. It's common knowledge that Islam doesn't advocate such behavior shown by this gentleman's parents, instead only criteria is piety rather than caste, color or background etc.
You have two choices, either let him go because I don't see him as someone who will be able to protect you and stand up for you after marriage OR ask him to convince his parents and then bring them over to ask for your hand in marriage. The more you involve yourself emotionally in this relationship; the more you are going to suffer. Problem is not you or your parents but it's his parents who have unislamic demands. Don't waste your time on such men, concentrate on your studies and if things work out Alhamdullilah if don't than move on and pray to Allah (swt) to bring you closer to HIM and bless you with a partner who will help you strengthen your faith and bring you closer to your deen instead of leading you on.
P.S; Please don't invest emotionally with any man in future to avoid the heartache because it will only hurt you and you will also be disobeying Allah as well as cheating your parents who don't deserve this.
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com