Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Molested and lost trust in Allah but now how can I fall in love with HIM again?

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

Broken trust.

It has been 18 years and each day the pain gets worse than before. I was molested multiple times when I was younger. No one knows. Not a soul. My hands are shaking while typing this. Tears are falling down my face. I feel like there is a huge rock on my heart. I hate him so much. How can someone be so evil? I was so young; I didn't know what was happening. I am now married with two lovely kids. They are so beautiful and innocent. I am so thankful for everything Allah has given me. But I am so angry for what has happened to me.

Every morning on our way to school my mother would recite a Duaa, asking Allah to protect us from all evil in the world and keep bad people away from us, but it didn't work. Evil came to me every day. I get so sick to my stomach every time I get my flashbacks. I remember every moment of it. I remember his hands, his face, his smile, his mouth... I remember how confused I was the first time it happened and I remember when he made me touch, kiss, and “hug” him.

After I had my daughter I suffered from post-partum depression. I went to see a therapist but I couldn't get myself to open up. I began having major panic attacks and detailed flashbacks. The worst thing was I was unable to trust my husband any more  Every time he would touch me I would get flashbacks and start crying. I avoided any intercourse with him because I didn't want my lovely moments with him to be associated with my previous horror.

Things are better now but I don’t know how to connect with Allah. I don’t pray any more. I just have so much hatred in my heart. How can Allah allow this to happen to me? My mother prayed every morning for me but it never worked. I need to know how can I clear my mind and heart and fall back in love with Allah. Again I am so thankful for my healthy children and my lovely husband. But I find myself questioning everything.

Is there any hadith or verses from the Quran I can recite when I'm in my dark place?

What is his punishment? Will I ever get my revenge? And what will happen to me? Is Allah punishing me now? Am I getting any anger for the pain I'm dealing with?

Unknown Yet.

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11 Responses »

  1. Aslaam

    Sister, what has happened to you is horrible. I'm so sorry that it happened to you and you do have a right to be angry but sister, believe me it was a test from Allah swt. There have been women that I have seen on TV that have and are still being tested much worse than you but still what happened to you was horrific.

    Sister, I can guarantee you one thing...Allah WILL help you and the animal that did this to you WILL be punished. If not in this life then in the afterlife. Allah has blessed you with beautiful children - you should thank Him for this. Sister, there have been times and and only about 20 minutes ago I was looking in a mirror and thinking "why me?" Allah tests those who he loves the most. He loves you so much sister, have faith. The earlier generations of Muslims were tested MUCH harder yet they stayed within Islam and look at them...they have some of the highest statuses in Islam and Allah will grant them paradise inshallah.

    Have faith dear sister and I will pray for you.

    May Allah help you, inshallah.

  2. salaam

    dear sister none of this was your fault, but you do need to speak to a specialist and deal with what has happened i am not sure how to best advise at this point because i don't know who was your abuser
    Allah will give you the justice that you deserve

    allah hafiz

  3. I can't even imagine how people go through this kind of situation. It's so sad that most of the sisters in islam faced this kind of situation in life. But at last alhumdullilah you got a very good and loving husband and two beautiful children. You got beautiful family by the grace of allah just because you we're strong and had faith in allah. Do not let this go sister. Please start praying and you will see the hardship you going through now you will overcome even better.

    As far about the person, well sister It may seem to you that the evil person might get away with his heinous crime…..but we absolutely assure you sister, the person will never never ever get away with his betrayal of trust and his heinous crime in the Presence of the Lord Most Majestic on that Inevitable and Tumultuous Day of Judgment where every victim of injustice will be given full and due retribution for all their sufferings.

    I would have post some good quote but they are long so I copy the link. Sister when you get time read this beautiful articles it will help to ease your mind,

  4. Dearest Sister

    What happened to you was wrong. It should never happen to anyone and only those who have been through what you have will truly understand your suffering and the demons that are spawned from such an act which torment you for years after without relent.
    I commend you for the courage it took to step forward and write this post.
    It is the first step you've taken towards reclaiming your life.

    From the symptoms you describe you appear to have Post-traumatic stress disorder - read more on the condition if it will help but there are a number of things which you will need to do:

    1) You will need to see a psychiatrist, a clinical psychologist and become part of group therapy with other women who have been through what you have, as in a support group, your therapist can facilitate this and this will help in that you will not feel alone in your therapy process and these women can give advice on how to cope or deal with certain symptoms or situations that come about according to their own experience.

    2) For any of the above to work - you will absolutely need to disclose this truth to your mother and your husband. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of this and how dramatically this will help you. Plus you will need them as an anchor and support as you go through your therapy and it will help your husband understand the situation and accomodate you at times when intimacy is difficult for you and the two of you may find a way to work your way around it with suggestions from your therapist.

    3) As to the disconnect and dilemma in your faith - my dear you need to accept that Good and Evil are timeless concepts that exist to "test" those gifted with the privilege of "free will" and in life there are those who ignore the responsibilities that come with this freedom and make the "choice" to harm others and transgress boundaries for their own twisted purposes. It is what it is. Now you were not given a choice in the trajedy that you suffered - but you are given one now and in this lies your test: will you succumb to the despair and remain in a rut of depression? Will you give this person who hurt you the power to continue hurting you and ruin the rest of your life also? Will you please Shaitaan by entertaining doubt and losing your faith? Or will you rise and face the path to your ultimate freedom from this nightmare and your recovery head on? Your accomplishment in this - should you make the right choice - will be a calibre of strength and sabr the like of which many will never even be able to comprehend. The road may be a long one but you must accept that there are no quick fixes in this - and every time you feel inclined to enter your dark place, you will need to make the "choice" to turn away and ask the Almighty for help in this. This is your own personal Jihad.

    To dwell on the "why me"? is pointless - why "anyone" for that matter? Perhaps someday you will help many like you who have been through what you have or perhaps change just one life for the better, perhaps it all forms part of some greater plan or destiny which affects the "whole" through people we in turn have positively influenced or affected in ways we could not begin to understand - and therein lies comfort.
    But fixating on this is futile - we cannot see the "whole" or the greater plan or the future or destiny and we cannot know what the Almighty does and hence we take comfort in and trust in His wisdom.

    By isolating yourself from your faith - your deny yourself the peace you so desperately want as reconnecting with the Almighty is the key to your success. I recommend starting every morning with recitation of Surah Yaseen and standing up in the night and peforming Salaatul Tahajjud, engage in much Thikr (it need not be complex), make Dua, shed your tears and pour your heart out to the Almighty. Do this with constancy and sincerity and you will not be denied. Forgive yourself for whatever self-blame you've tortured yourself with, relinquish the hatred from your heart and trust that the Almighty will bring this person to justice ultimately. Leave that in His hands.
    Reconnect with your Creator - take one step towards Him and He will take ten towards you.

    I make Dua for your Strength sister, may the Almighty make the way forward easy for you, Insha-Allah.

  5. it's a test from ALLAH. may be some one hard done black magic so you need to go to a imam who can help u InSALLAH.

    read this اللهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللهُ وَحْدَهُ لَا شَرِيكَ لَهُ، لَهُ الْمُلْكُ وَلَهُ الْحَمْدُ، وَهُوَ عَلَى كُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدِيرٌ

    100 times after fojar and 100 time after magrib. insALLAH this will work if some one did black magic to you then the jinn will not be able to enter ur body. if u need to read more than 100 times then do so.

    and you have read namaz sis do u know if a person miss one time namaz then the person has to go to hell for more than 2 million years, unless ALLAH forgive. HE IS ALLAH THE MOST MERCIFUL MOST LOVING.

    ask ALLAH to help you. if you don't then He almighty ALLAH gets angry.
    I hope ALLAH guide us all to the way to Him. AMIN!!!

    • Brother can you please translate read this اللهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللهُ وَحْدَهُ لَا شَرِيكَ لَهُ، لَهُ الْمُلْكُ وَلَهُ الْحَمْدُ، وَهُوَ عَلَى كُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدِيرٌ in English and if you don't mind me asking can you also please refer which verse of qaran or in haddith says to recite?

      Thank you

      • Salam'alaykum,

        Transileration- "La ilaha illal-lah wahdahu la sharika lahu, lahu-l-mulk wa lahu-l-hamd wa huwa 'ala kulli shai'in qadir"

        Translation- "None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, the Alone Who has no partners, to Him belongs Dominion and to Him belong all the Praises, and He has power over all things (i.e. Omnipotent)"

        Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said," Whoever says: "La ilaha illal-lah wahdahu la sharika lahu, lahu-l-mulk wa lahu-l-hamd wa huwa 'ala kulli shai'in qadir," one hundred times will get the same reward as given for manumitting ten slaves; and one hundred good deeds will be written in his accounts, and one hundred sins will be deducted from his accounts, and it (his saying) will be a shield for him from Satan on that day till night, and nobody will be able to do a better deed except the one who does more than he." (Sahih Bukhari)

        Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "If one says one-hundred times in one day:"None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, the Alone Who has no partners, to Him belongs Dominion and to Him belong all the Praises, and He has power over all things (i.e. Omnipotent)", one will get the reward of manumitting ten slaves, and one-hundred good deeds will be written in his account, and one-hundred bad deeds will be wiped off or erased from his account, and on that day he will be protected from the morning till evening from Satan, and nobody will be superior to him except one who has done more than that which he has done."(Sahih Bukhari)

  6. Salam my dear and lovable sister....whenever i read this kind of problems,my heart cries alot...remember sis..u r not alone to hav this kind of problem.these beasts living every where in this world.
    ALLAH has gifted u with beautiful family and other blessings, may be this is due to ur mother prayers...
    u can think in a postive way about that, u know how, because u can know better than other mothers how to protect ur child.i advise u to always make a friendly relation with them.and take care of them because u know how evils enter in life...but first take hold on your heart...try to speak too much about this to a person whom u trust...or ur psyctrist...its good that u asking ur problm there...and also check how many ppl suffering these evils in childhood...and u ll stop thinking :why me?...dear i know it makes ur life too much bad...about telling to ur husband i suggest u only tell if ur husband is so kind heart. u expect alot of care from him after telling that but he is a man.may be he cant satisfy u with care u plz before telling this to him...u first judge his response on these issues.u can tell him a story like that just to check his response...but with all that u know better,ur trust on him.
    Relation with Allah is most important...this life is temporary.but forget completely that it is ur fault, this life is only a test.ok.u were opressed not an opresser. if a man hurt even by a throne, Allah will remove his sins.
    just for ur satisfaction for a second, we assume its punishment then look sister, this is being over now.u have suffered alot of depressions from many years.and only u are feeling it as punish because u take this secret in ur hearts alone from many years which is the main reason of depression but now u open it ,, u will feel good day by day..ur pains starts healing now...after posting there hope u feel better, and even feel much better by knowing here are partners in ur grief...but remember its not ur fault.ok
    Always look about those who are suffering more than u ll thanks to ALLAH...just to giving u courage, i ll tell u about a young girl...she wants to remove her flashbacks,having same problem. she is so lonely because she cant even tell her mother because her mother is so old and ill. she is afraid of being marriage and before that she wants to left that place, but unluckily she become tortured by another...once again she is in danger and all of her friends left her alone and she is feeling guilty that its is all of her own fault..
    Try to be happy in the situation u have.THROW AWAY UR BAD ur self and love ur family..because u are blessed with them..again i advise u to look at those who are suffering more than u.
    After each prayer recite surah fatiha, ayat ul kursi, 11 times durood e ibrahimi, surah Naas, surah Falaq, Surah Ikhlas. 100 TIMES SUBHAN ALLAH AND ASTAGHFIRULLAH.... it will surely heal ur soul.. insha Allah.
    Allah hafiz.

  7. Alsalam Alakum,

    I wanted to just thank you all for your replies, I know it has been a while since the post. but when i read your replies it brought tears to my eyes and opened my heart. I have been working on my relationship with Allah and i believe it is getting better, I do still have a long way ahead of me but inshallah I will not allow what happened to me take away my chance to a peaceful relationship with Allah. I love and fear Allah so much, I have 100% faith in him, and I do believe he is leading my life.

    As for dealing with my past, It has been very hard. I have been reading many articles, but i have not spoken to anyone about this. I can not allow anyone to know what happened to me. I am SO ashamed and i blame myself deeply for this. I have not spoken or hinted anything to my husband. He is a lovely caring man but he thinks i'm a Innocent, pour, precious, respectful women. I played so innocent in our marriage, I pretend i didn't know anything about sexual nature. I think he will be devastated if he finds out and would no longer want to be with me.

    My life has not been easy Allah keeps testing me in many other areas in my life. I have been married for 9 years and it has been constant tests, from family problems, illness, death, financial struggles, martial problems .. etc. I just believe my husband cant handle me adding on one more issue. I don't think there is any more strength in him or me to deal with my past.

    Jakakum Allah Khar and I will make duaa for all of you.

    Thank you!

    • u will never get true peace unless u come clean to your husband. i say this because he is sharing so much of you and its better late then never. it isnt something that affects only u, but him and ur kids as well and he deserves to know th reasons behind it. whether u come clean or not is down 2u. when u feel like ur falling downwards...remember that crucial point that u choose to block from ur consciousnesses hoping u it doesnt surface yet affects u all every second of every day. dont think ur hubby cant take it. as humans we never know just how much we can take till put in certain positions. also a test like that would show ur husbands true colours despite how scared u are as to what they might be.

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