Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What would keep a Muslim man from being married?

Something about his story doesn't seem right...

Something about his story doesn't seem right...

I have recently met a Muslim man online that says he has never been married.  When I ask why, since I know that it is common in Pakistan for men to marry a lot younger---he just says that it's due to the behaviors and attitudes of people around him. He is 39 yrs old, has a college degree, his father passed away 23 yrs ago, and he has several sibling of which all but a younger sister are married with children. By the 3rd day of talking with him online-- he says that he loves me and calls me his princess.  He says that he was or at least felt like a loser until he met me and now feels like a king.  While talking with my young cousin, whom is a Muslim man, he says that it's very odd that he hasn't been married yet.  My question is, what would cause a Muslim man to be unmarried by the age of 39? What would cause "attitudes and behaviors" from the people around him?

Thank you for any help you can offer.

Tammy

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10 Responses »

  1. OP: he just says that it's due to the behaviors and attitudes of people around him. He is 39 yrs old, has a college degree.

    I don't think it has some thing to do with his being Muslim. He may have psychological or medical issues.

  2. Salaam sister I find it very difficult to understand why a man of 39 is not married or has not been married especially from Pakistan I think there may be some Mexican or psychological problems Thetefore if I were you I would be very careful I suggest that you do istikarah about this person and if you are interested in this person tell your guardian so that they can make I depth enquirers about this person Be very careful do t be fooled Take care Allah hafiz Fiamnallah

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    While we shouldn't rush to make assumptions about people, in general it's important to keep a level of scepticism when it comes to talking to people online. A person can present themselves as anything they want to be on the internet. This man may be genuine, or he might be trying to manipulate you for his own reasons.

    Ask yourself - how can he be in love after talking to you three times on the internet? He doesn't know you. You don't know him. To me, that suggests he may either be extremely naive and unaware of what a healthy relationship actually involves, or he may be being manipulative. Either way, that rings alarm bells for me.

    If you are interested in finding out more about him and considering marriage, don't let yourself be pulled into an online relationship or anything haram. He should approach your wali with a proposal if he is serious about his interest, the two of you can then meet and get to know more about each other in a halal way with a chaperone, and then you can make an informed decision... which you can't make on the basis of a few online chats and no other information.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  4. You have to be very careful if he lives in Pakistan and you live in a western country

  5. Salam . I got married at 30 and my wife just turned 20. Everyone is in a different situation.But the main point is you and what you should do.The most important question is he a practising muslim like does he pray 5 times a day?This question will tell you alot and trust me .Im a revert and married to a scholor so i have some kowledge of this situation.If he says yes he is a liar i pray and all the good stuff except chat online with the opposit sex which is haram.If he says i dont practise .Then stay away because he is danger.Sexually and physically.Some pakistani people are brought up very aggressive in there culture , they do have a tendency to hit there kids and wives when things are heated up. I think you have to give it more time to see if he will crack.Usually men are impatient. Please dont get to attached its not worth it.As for being muslim it means in Arabic one who fears God. Muslims in general are not allowed to hurt kill any creation of God .This is fact!Research it. These so called terrorisms and killings are nothing but evil people,whether cia involvement kgb, mind control or paid off lunatics or illuminati they all have the POWER to minipulate the common folk for there agenda. Strangely how they dont involve the black community in America when the growing muslim population are black especially in prisons?

    • Damco300765: I got married at 30 and my wife just turned 20....... .Im a revert and married to a scholar so i have some knowledge of this situation

      Your wife just turned 20 and is a scholar. Did she spend her whole life in a Madrassah? Just curious how did she become a scholar at such a young age? Is she a revert too?

  6. Salaam

    Girl youre not a psychologist let them deal with that. I would do one of two things: run or if I really 'clicked' make sure you meet/speak with a wali. No one in their right minds loves someone in three days.

  7. Be very careful sister,
    I too had met a Pakistani guy online and by the second day he was telling me he has fallen for me and wanted to marry me.
    It's sad to say but "some" if not most are very manipulative they know how to talk and somehow get you emotionally involved! Don't fall for it unless you want to end up hurt!!
    I didn't let this men into my heart but he sure did try, he also told me he wasn't married and he was 31 it wasn't intul later that I found out he was, alhamdulilah I didnt get emotionally involved.

  8. Asalaamaleykumwarehmatulaheywabarakatuhu!

    I just turned 34 this year. I am a Patriotic Pakistani guy. I am single. And similarly there are many others like me over here.

    About the guy you are referring to:
    There can be many cases:

    I have 2 Younger Siblings, and I would prefer they get married first and settle down before I would think about married myself. Brothers often are very worried about their sisters getting married and happily settling down.

    For a guy to get married, and start his own family means he moves away from his existing family. If he is doing everything in the house for everyone, earning, supporting keeping things in check. and if he feels if he leaves, his family won't be able to manage on his own. His love for family might make him sacrifice his own happiness for them. I had a chance to go abroad to 2 different countries after i graduated for work. I decided to stay and be with my parents cause they both married late after having a successful career, and they were in their 60's and 50's already. both are Mashallah successful doctors.

    My father married when he was 38 or 39. After he was successful. So did my uncles at the age of mid 30's something, cause we believe in our family it's important to be mature for marriage. Majority of my family are doctors.

    If his father passed away, and they are not well off. and he has many siblings. In Pakistan. another man would not give him the hand of his daughter, because they literally look at the financial aspects very seriously. Everybody wants the best for their daughters and sisters.

    Recently, Since I am getting old. I tried to just get married so I don't lose time. I can have kids and be alive to see my grandchildren. And most importantly to complete half of my deen. I met a simple girl. They were interested in getting their daughter married who was also in her thirties. But they wanted a guy who earned a certain about of money. And when we told them. That I don't earn that crazy amount of money, whatever I earn is enough for me and her. I have my own house car etc. and I am an honest and loyal and faithful person. Honesty and devoutness should also count when you are making this decision for their daughter. They said no they wanted a guy who earned alot. so they backed off. and pretty much said some rude things about me so i don't come to them and talk to them about marriage again.

    Second thing that happens over here. Because girls family worry alot for the happiness of the girl. That they, the girls family try to sort of control the guy. If the guy has a crappy car. they will say something to humiliate him. Oh you can't even afford a decent car, if we knew we would'nt have accepted your proposal. they always in most cases try to control the guy. Like setting a monthly allowance for the girl from his salary. That the girl is not going to do any housework. To get maids to do the work. To get their own separate apartment.
    In other cases the girls family when they completely trust the guy, who give them paid tickets to go abroad together. or help the guy get a better promotion at work. Or ask the guy to come join their family business. In either case the guy feel indebted to his inlaws, and when they ask him something he can't say no to them. The in laws do this in fear of things for their daugther. And always seem to show they have the upper hand.

    Also, the most important factor for guys for marriage is. We automatically know, when we see or talk to a girl. That they picture themselves with the girl in the distant future. If they think they will be happy based on some factors. they will then and there be ready to give it a 100%. Sometimes you meet someone, who is physically attractive. or is a good Muslim. But you don't connect Mentally. or spiritually. the girl does'nt get his sense of humour. or shes not in the same genre of movies you watch. or certain aspects like that. and you know it's a mistake to get married to that person for the rest of your life. because you don't feel like you can connect with her in any way. not that there is anything wrong with the girl. and when they get a sense of burden or it's not worth it they won't choose to get married.

    In marriage you have your highs and lows. A guy can picture himself, during the lows, If he feels connected then he will be dedicated to do everything for the girl. or he will not be bothered. It's an inner gut feeling we know sometimes for some guys. Also when we think about marriage, we picture how our kids are going to turn out. How she is going to raise them.

    Personally my biggest reason is, I grew up in Pakistan. But I can't speak the naitive language so well. I can only express myself better in english. And not alot of girls can fully understand that. So I am a Pakistani guy, who perfers to find someone more compatible with him. And would not want to marry a Pakistani girl, cause the inlaws try to control you to a certain degree.

    If your cousin talked to him, and your cousin says he can't believe that he's single that it's odd.
    I totally agree with your cousin, it is odd. a Guy in his 30's does want to get married badly. but not with the wrong person. cause that's a recipe for disaster.

    It can be that the guy knows what he is looking for in his life. and he does'nt want to settle for anything less. If the guy is really intelligient or smart. Then he would also want a lady with sort of above average intelligence. If he tells sort of an intellectual joke or a smart witty one. The girl does'nt get it. it's a complete turn off for him. And if she gets it. the element of feeling connected and being two parts of the same is a major plus.

    Alot of the people living in the same city have different lifestyles. some go out often. I go to work come back stay with my family sometimes go out with my friends. but i would prefer to read books. Thats the thing in my family. for some girls who I have talked to. They find me boring. They say i am not living my life or enjoying it.
    Because I am an Ambivert, and they are extroverts more out going. and some others are introverts. so there is that. My family is a bit old fashioned, and traditional. And that's a complete turn off for most people.

    So lately alot of the somewhat smart Pakistani guys prefer to marry Muslims or Christians from other countries. My cousin married an Irish Christian girl and they are both happily married for 5 years. My uncle married an American Christian lady, happily married with kids and everything. My Aunt married a guy with a Ph.D from Maldives Muslim Guy. I was engaged to a Turkish lady in europe, but it did'nt work out. so I hope I have helped a bit with the answer to your question.

    I went to Karachi a while back, there is Allianz Francais a cultural activity center for the french. I went to attend a lecture on something. I met some ladies, French Christian ladies who are happily living in Karachi for 12 or 15 years with Pakistani Muslim Husbands. I was surprised to find 3 or 4 ladies happily married to Pakistani guys. for them Happiness is all that counts and making a marriage work.

    Thanks.

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