I want to marry him, but I destroyed it through jealousy
I am unsure of a decision that I want to make and be happy with. I am feeling uneasy and stressed, and after many times of Istikhara I am getting mixed signals of feeling easy, happy and then sad and upset, my feelings as well as my dreams have a mixture of both the good signs and the bad as well.
For example, last night I dreamt of a white horse swimming in clear blue water, and I felt easy and happy and calm then I remembered later that I had also dreamt of a big black cat at the side of water with small kittens and that the mother cat is ripping off the heads of the baby cats. I was so confused as to why I had such a weird dream, on the first night of my Istikhara I had a dream of whiteness in my dream and I woke up feeling pleasant..but during the day my mood would change so I have done it again several times and either have no emotion or dream and just feel nuetral and confused.
I have been in a relationship with one of my distant cousins who lives abraod in America and is studying alone without family but he does have his cousins with him and they share a flat. He is a good guy and from a respectable family we know them very well as we are related to them and I have met him when I went overseas but I recently last year started to talk to him over the net and got to know him better...he had some studying to finish and so do I but I wanted to spend my life with him and he also wanted the same, we spoke and everything was always good and I was very very happy I told all my friends that I had never felt so much happiness in my life before...I felt as though finally my life was set and I was going to be with the person that I liked from so long and held in my heart and that Allah had blessed me and answered my duas....and then things started going dark...
I started to doubt him all the time and question him... I was in my holidays and was paranoid sitting at home all day.. it never happened before I trusted him with all my heart... and I was sure he would be faithful to me as i was his cousin... i started to check on him all the time and there was nothign much there.. like his FB and his emails.. and yell at him and question him and I was depressed deep down I knew what I was doing was wrong and that I shouldn´t question him that way.. after all we were not committed and I couldn't prove anything... the smallest thing I would take out of proportion... and make something big of it!!! and he would always reassure me that it was nothing and that he can remove it for me but that it would lead me to always question him and he wanted me to kill this habit because it would grow and suspicion wasnt safe for me since we are far apart... and instead it killed our relationship....
The only thing i held against him was why he still kept his social networking site even when i asked him to delete it... it was stupid but it got to me.. and we started to grow apart... and i hacked into his things and found he was speaking to girls and talking to them over the phone and this happened after i started all the questioning.... at least thats what i think (the girls were from overseas old friends from school).
I said horrible things and thought my world came crashing down on me that he was kind of cheating on me... i once asked him if he was meeting these girls and after that he even started asking to meet random girls he didnt know.. i felt as though he was doing it out of stubborness or whatever. so i tried to finish things off with him.. and it was very messy.. there was lots of tears and everything.. and he asked forgiveness and told me that i shoudlve trusted him and to not have done that... i was really angry and kept being angry at him and rejecting everything he was saying thinking he is a liar.. everything that came out of his mouth.
he cried when i told him i would be getting engaged and he cried and cried and he has never cried before in front of me.. and he promised to try to marry me when he could convince his mother and find the money since he is yateem and providing for his family back home... he was always a good guy... i dont know why this happened why he started doing that and i blame myself for making him do that maybe because he thought i didnt trust him anyway... i dont think he has met any of the girls he was just saying it randomly and not going ahead with it... but Allah Hu Alam... if this will carry on or not...
the bottom line, i love him, and i cant imagine my life without him... i want him as a husband and to be with him forever... i have always made dua for us and our happiness and togetherness i want to make not only him happy but his grieving mother as well.. i had lots planned in my head with him...and i feel as though it has shattered..he constantly sends me emails to forgive him and that he is sorry but he still has his fb and hasnt deleted it...each time he would tell me he is going to delete it. i wouldnt give him the chance to see if he will do it bcoz i would come up with other things to say...i do blame myself entirely now..but i feel as though he will remain this way..how will i bring him bak to being himself again? how will i trust and stop the doubt...i am not getting any answers..im getting mixed signals after dua as well.....
despite everything i said to him yelled at him and checked his private things twice he still forgives me and tells me he is still in love with me and will try to achieve me no matter what it takes. but i am still deeply upset by what happened...and i am still wondering if he is still talking to them or not...but i was told by an elder friend that it wasnt my right over him to tell him what to or what not to do..because im not commited to him...but im afraid what if it still goes on after we are engaged and commited? God Forbid. i have seen one of my other cousins also spekaing to random girls and whatever on msn and things...and apparntly its what they all do in their age and once their engaged they stop??? dont know
I am never in a settled mind..im always contemplating both sides...and sometimes im satisfied with my decision other times or most times i cant help crying and being upset and missing him deeply. It doesnt feel right at all..and he is far away from me we never see each other...he is in a big city working and studying.
Please give me some advice with a clear mind and be objective and hold no biases...please .. i do not understand is his tears and love on one side and him being adamant about me, and on the other side why he still wants to speak to girls..is this a phase will it get over with? and is he just being stubborn? because his in a big city with his friends and cousins who DO most of these things and he is just being a boy? we are a secret...nobody knows about us from what i know we are in secret since he doesnt want anyone knowing and speaking behind my back...since we are all related and that only the time he tells his mother and will make it look like an arranged marriage since people in our family and culture will never understand our relationship. i dont know how men work..but he is in his early twenties and still young..despite everything he says he loves me and always is there when i am trying to contact him Alhamdulilah.
Allah kareem! please make dua for me
Tagged as: facebook, jealous, jealousy, social networking, suspicion, talking to girls