Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to marry him, but I destroyed it through jealousy

jealousy green eyes %photo

How to deal with jealousy?

As-SalamuAlaikum WB

I am unsure of a decision that I want to make and be happy with. I am feeling uneasy and stressed, and after many times of Istikhara I am getting mixed signals of feeling easy, happy and then sad and upset, my feelings as well as my dreams have a mixture of both the good signs and the bad as well.

For example, last night I dreamt of a white horse swimming in clear blue water, and I felt easy and happy and calm then I remembered later that I had also dreamt of a big black cat at the side of water with small kittens and that the mother cat is ripping off the heads of the baby cats. I was so confused as to why I had such a weird dream, on the first night of my Istikhara I had a dream of whiteness in my dream and I woke up feeling pleasant..but during the day my mood would change so I have done it again several times and either have no emotion or dream and just feel nuetral and confused.

I have been in a relationship with one of my distant cousins who lives abraod in America and is studying alone without family but he does have his cousins with him and they share a flat. He is a good guy and  from a respectable family we know them very well as we are related to them and I have met him when I went overseas but I recently last year started to talk to him over the net and got to know him better...he had some studying to finish and so do I but I wanted to spend my life with him and he also wanted the same, we spoke and everything was always good and I was very very happy I told all my friends that I had never felt so much happiness in my life before...I felt as though finally my life was set and I was going to be with the person that I liked from so long and held in my heart and that Allah had blessed me and answered my duas....and then things started going dark...

I started to doubt him all the time and question him... I was in my holidays and was paranoid sitting at home all day.. it never happened before I trusted him with all my heart... and I was sure he would be faithful to me as i was his cousin... i started to check on him all the time and there was nothign much there.. like his FB and his emails.. and yell at him and question him and I was depressed deep down I knew what I was doing was wrong and that I shouldn´t question him that way.. after all we were not committed and I couldn't prove anything... the smallest thing I would take out of proportion... and make something big of it!!! and he would always reassure me that it was nothing and that he can remove it for me but that it would lead me to always question him and he wanted me to kill this habit because it would grow and suspicion wasnt safe for me since we are far apart... and instead it killed our relationship....

The only thing i held against him was why he still kept his social networking site even when i asked him to delete it... it was stupid but it got to me.. and we started to grow apart... and i hacked into his things and found he was speaking to girls and talking to them over the phone and this happened after i started all the questioning.... at least thats what i think (the girls were from overseas old friends from school).

I said horrible things and thought my world came crashing down on me that he was kind of cheating on me... i once asked him if he was meeting these girls and after that he even started asking to meet random girls he didnt know.. i felt as though he was doing it out of stubborness or whatever. so i tried to finish things off with him.. and it was very messy.. there was lots of tears and everything.. and he asked forgiveness and told me that i shoudlve trusted him and to not have done that... i was really angry and kept being angry at him and rejecting everything he was saying thinking he is a liar.. everything that came out of his mouth.

he cried when i told him i would be getting engaged and he cried and cried and he has never cried before in front of me.. and he promised to try to marry me when he could convince his mother and find the money since he is yateem and providing for his family back home... he was always a good guy... i dont know why this happened why he started doing that and i blame myself for making him do that maybe because he thought i didnt trust him anyway... i dont think he has met any of the girls he was just saying it randomly and not going ahead with it... but Allah Hu Alam... if this will carry on or not...

the bottom line, i love him, and i cant imagine my life without him... i want him as a husband and to be with him forever... i have always made dua for us and our happiness and togetherness i want to make not only him happy but his grieving mother as well.. i had lots planned in my head with him...and i feel as though it has shattered..he constantly sends me emails to forgive him and that he is sorry but he still has his fb and hasnt deleted it...each time he would tell me he is going to delete it. i wouldnt give him the chance to see if he will do it bcoz i would come up with other things to say...i do blame myself entirely now..but i feel as though he will remain this way..how will i bring him bak to being himself again? how will i trust and stop the doubt...i am not getting any answers..im getting mixed signals after dua as well.....

despite everything i said to him yelled at him and checked his private things twice he still forgives me and tells me he is still in love with me and will try to achieve me no matter what it takes.  but i am still deeply upset by what happened...and i am still wondering if he is still talking to them or not...but i was told by an elder friend that it wasnt my right over him to tell him what to or what not to do..because im not commited to him...but im afraid what if it still goes on after we are engaged and commited? God Forbid. i have seen one of my other cousins also spekaing to random girls and whatever on msn and things...and apparntly its what they all do in their age and once their engaged they stop??? dont know

I am never in a settled mind..im always contemplating both sides...and sometimes im satisfied with my decision other times or most times i cant help crying and being upset and missing him deeply. It doesnt feel right at all..and he is far away from me we never see each other...he is in a big city working and studying.

Please give me some advice with a clear mind and be objective and hold no biases...please .. i do not understand is his tears and love on one side and him being adamant about me, and on the other side why he still wants to speak to girls..is this a phase will it get over with? and is he just being stubborn? because his in a big city with his friends and cousins who DO most of these things and he is just being a boy?  we are a secret...nobody knows about us from what i know we are in secret since he doesnt want anyone knowing and speaking behind my back...since we are all related and that only the time he tells his mother and will make it look like an arranged marriage since people in our family and culture will never understand our relationship. i dont know how men work..but he is in his early twenties and still young..despite everything he says he loves me and always is there when i am trying to contact him Alhamdulilah.

Allah kareem!  please make dua for me

- me


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12 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum sister "me",

    Jealousy is an imbalanced condition and causes suffering in the person that suffers it as well as the others, you and your cousin, know about it already.

    We may be fine living with the normal levels of jealousy but when it darkness our life and becomes obsessive we have a problem. In your case, the "click" has been internet and secrecy, I believe due to what you have heard about others boys acts and because you don´t feel secure about him due to the secrecy of your relationship.

    My priority here is that you are carrying with a secret that makes you highly vulnerable, then someway you are exposed, you don´t trust him because you are living a prohibited situation, your relationship doesn´t exist, it is a secret, for the world you are noone to him, this awakes of the alert systems and, in your case, jealousy has big peaks, you feel uncomfortable about it, because you don´t recognize yourself and you don´t like to be under such huge stress, ... sounds really bad to look into others person emails and personal accounts, and you are conscious of it.

    *** First I have to tell you this words written by Wael:

    ISTIKHARA IS NOT ABOUT DREAM INTERPRETATION.. There is so much ignorance about Salat-al-Istikhara. Everyone seems to think that it's about dreams, or the color one sees in dreams, or about birthdates and star signs, and other irrelevant factors. Please see the links at the top of this website to read correct and authentic information about Istikhara. Istikhara is about asking Allah sincerely for guidance, then doing the action that feels right in your heart and trusting that Allah will answer your prayer and guide you to the result that is best.

    ***Second

    You have a secret relationship that is giving you a lot of problems, stop this, if you don´t have what is needed to have a proper islamic way of approach, then it means you are not ready to be in touch yet, this will save you from deeeper suffering, insha´Allah.

    When our red lights begin to shine we should understand we are going beyond our limits and this brins uneasiness and stress (anxiety, anguish,.....) . Listen to your being and stop this relationship before it consumes all your energy, you are young and I am sure you have a lot of things where to put your energy, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.

    I understand he is trying to protect you by keeping it as a secrect, but he is damaging you too, then if you want anything with him, do it straight and trust him.

    I know that what I said before wouldn´t flow as easy, then a few tips that may help you to see what you really want and what you really feel towards him.

    Please, pray your five salat on time and consciously, there is a series about salat by Jinan Bastaki, in SuhaibWebb, that wil guide you, insha´Allah.

    http://www.suhaibwebb.com/personaldvlpt/how-to-taste-the-sweetness-of-prayer/

    Brother Stranger shared with us this link too:

    33 ways of developing khushu in salah.

    http://islamqa.com/en/ref/books/21

    I do believe this will help you to bring the Peace back to your Heart, will ease the suffering you are going through and will guide you to the Straight Path, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • May Allah reward you for you kind and constructive advice sister Maria.

      I understand what you have said and it's validity for a person's personal health and well being of the spiritual and mental state. Islam has provided us with guidance and answers in every form and every problem we go through there has been a solution written for it. Alhamdulilah for our deen.

      My main concern was that I believe after going through his personal stuff which i find as flimsy and stupid and as what young boys do whilst their young and single and that it just wasn't meant for me to see it, It is wrong but for men it's kind of a space and independance at this time they wish to excerice. The thing is since that I have had a problem of getting rid of the waswasaa and the whisperings from shaitaan, the reason I am so confident that it is shaitaan is because of the way I feel afterwards, When I had him in my heart and mind I made plenty of dua to Allah azza wajjal to only give him to me if he is in my khairr and good for my this life and the next and if not to keep him as far as possible from me, but we ended up talking and getting to know each other, I became closer to Allah, i prayed more, I began to pick up the Quran Tafsir and read the translation and commentary religiously every single day so that I could become closer to Allah as I was so greatful for Allah accepting my duas, I had firm faith and I become a firm believe then I already was, I prayed lots of Nafl Salaah and offered lots of salawat etc. I told people how happy I was and I felt like this happiness was bursting from my heart like a fountain, I had contentment, hapiness, ease and peace of mind.

      After a while thing's just got weird like I said in my original post, it was like someone hung everything upside down, things went from bad to worse, I was suspecting him, spying and then accusing and then growing in anger, so much anger I felt it was harmful to my health, lots and lots of sorrow would overcome me and grief would take me over, I began to have visions of dropping the Quran that I was reading and I cant say but other very disgusting things kept comming to my mind, so in order for all this to stop I tucked my Quran back on the shelf and didnt pick it up for months, I stopped my Nafl prayer and my heart just sunk I could feel my imaan just lowering day by day, and I actually for the first time in my life felt controlled by something I couldnt understand, and I felt lonely, helpless and full of negative thoughts and feelings and lots of resentment towards my cousin. But he never quite in trying to win me over again and he spent times in tears and hurt at the same time he was angry that i went through his things and he felt like i violated his trust by doing that not once but twice and Alhamdulilah he always replied with something calmly in a composed manner, how much I cussed at him or swore my head off and ranted and raged and cried he was calm on the other end and told me to please calm down, he told me he was apologetic but he felt attatcked by me because of what other people got upto and that he never got to have his childhood it was stolen from him since his father died, he gave me explanations for everything and promised he wasnt a bad person and that its what boys do when they sit around and its not meant for girls to see. (it wa snothing drastic just talking to girls that live in a completely different country and contact with his school friends form back home)

      The thing is I never wanted to conceal all this in my heart you are right the guilt was eating me up, I explained everything to my mother, and I was dead scared but I had to get it off my chest I felt as though I had done a very wrong thing in trusting him and that my life was over and done with since he was from our family and that everyone would find out, but she was very understanding about it, that we could get to know each other but she told me what I was feeling and thinking was not good for my health that it is from shaytaan to think negatively about other peoples characters and its from shaytaan to suspect people over something so stupid and that every guy had a phase where when they arent committed they would like to feel free from any tigh downs even if it is just chatting over the net to random girls in different countries or talking on the phone to their friends from school etc...she said he is better off then what other boys do, but I was just afraid that this would excel into something more serious or bigger and if this habit would die after we are engaged because he openly tells me that at the moment we dont have a right over each other and that he cant excersie any type of order over me since he has promised to mary me in the right time when he is financially stable and can meet his mother when he goes back home from the US and talk to her properly as many people will be against our marriage because of the difference between our upbringing. And he tells me I can get rid of all of these things such as FB, and everything only once I am his wife and that once he is my husband he can have full right over me, which sounds reasonable..

      I tried hard to remove all this suspicion from my heart that was eating away at me and jabbing through my heart, The one mistake I probabaly committed was listening to other peoples problems in their relationships and then applying that to my own thinking he may be doing the same or that we dont contact each other for a couple of days that he is deffinately upto something, Authu Billah.
      Its true that doubt is like a silkworm that will crawl through your mind until you feed it and it grows bigger and bigger and it will drag you to the seventh hell of it and in the end you will just be shamed, regretful and hurt. And after every explanation he would give me I felt regret, about his life about how he had suffered as a child and how he continues to suffer providing for his mother and siblings overseas, paying for his study working more then 15 hours a day and having to study as well. Please keep me in your duas, I need it, I never knew that suspicion was so difficult to control and once you allow it in it feeds on your thoughts and feelings and grows in you. I have seen this happen to many many girls but I never thought it would happen to me. I do know he cannot always make time for me, deep down i have the answers in my heart its just small things tick me off and then i make a big deal about it, and after i speak to him im calm again and trust him with my life its just when he leaves me for a week or so and his busy with work and study as he works for long hours he sometimes falls asleep in his uniform and wakes up the next morning I feel sad that why he cant give me time... why he cant make time and things of that sort, he also walks to uni and work because he cant afford to have his car checked out by the mechanic...and I knw he wont be open to marriage anytime soon because of his state of affairs. But he plans to come down where im living to be closer to me and to study inshallah so please make dua that works out.

      May Allah make it easy on me, sometimes it feels good to vent to strangers, I dont wangt to get mixed opinions I just want to be included in your prayers, because of the wonderful job you all are doing by listening to people out there who feel alone and cannot share their feelings and problems with those close to them.

      As for those asking about my identity rest assured I am not living in Pakistan neither is the boy, I am not even Pakistani. I have no cousins around who would come over to sites such as these and most of them wouldnt have access to a computer where they can spend enough time to check through these things....but I dont want these type of questions asked again im not here to reveal my identity im just an anonymous poster who would like some emotional support and comfort.

      Jazakallah Khair... please give me any more advice about how to rid waswasaa and how to put positive thoughts in my head and heart and how to cope with this all. I have picked up the Quran again Alhamdulilah and im reading tafsir again and it feels great i got those visions a few times again but i brushed them off and thank Allah their gone now..

      I just need trust in my heart for Allah and for my cousin, i just find it difficult to cope with a person who has so many burdens and responsibilities in life i always think he may be upto something when its the burden of his family and money that worries him... I wanna do something once and do it right, I wanted him and Allah gave him to me i guess I have to try and cope with it, its a long distance r/s so trust issues are bound to happen... ontop he is my cousin and relative so inshallah thats one thing thatll keep him faithful INSHALLAH.

      • Jazak Allahu Khairan, sister "me",

        Nice to know about you, good that your mother knows about him and about your struggles, she will be the best of the advicers, insha´Allah, this way you will have her to support you, too, Alhamdulillah.

        Related to imaan issues and evil whisperings, shaytan get jealous of us getting close to Allah(swt) and tries his best to miscarriage us and more times than we would like we step out of the straight Path, but He(swt) is always ready to help us with the smaller sign of trying to get closer to Him(swt).

        Now you know in your own flesh how it feels to have all this negativity around, Alhamdulillah your mother has guided you. Thank God for her Presence in your life, Alhamdulillah.

        This will be a, day by day, commitment, insha´Allah, but knowing that we don´t have anything for sure in this life, our life included then enjoy being alive and having someone that cares about you from Heart, Alhamdulillah.

        There are simple tips to be positive and this will become an habit with time, have a healthy life (good quality of food, exercise), be grateful to Allah(swt) for all your blessings, enjoy being around your family, let them know how much you love them, help the others, ....all of this, little by little.

        You are a strong woman "me", you are already taking the steps to put on a side all this distractions, Alhamdulillah.

        Your salat, duas, Names of Allah and His Attributes, will help you too, insha´Allah.

        From Heart to Heart,
        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. dear is u r boy friend in khi pakistan ??? because the way u r telling u r story it seems like a boy frm karachi
    plz tell and u from a smaller city of pakistan ? the strictness shows the culture plz tell

    • As salamu alaykum, Unknown and sad girl,

      Please, listen to Samina and respect intimacy, the important fact here is that you help the sister, you could be surprised of how many people seems to be the same and if you read the posts, many people feel so identified with some cases that they get deeply surprised, same situations, same enviroments,...We should focus on what is important and in this site the important is to be one for the others in moments of need, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.

      The sister and the brother should be in your Heart and in your prayers, doesn´t matter who they are.

      Be kind and loving towards those that open their Hearts to all of us looking for help, you may have some ideas to share to improve the situation, you will be more than welcome to share them with us.

      It is in our hands, editors, writers, readers, that people comes to this site feeling secure and safe about their intimacy, we all need each other and all of us are vulnerable of suffering struggles.

      All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. are you from Pakistan some smaller city , and your boyfriend from Karachi ??

  4. Does it matter where this sister is from uknown and sadgirl. Maybe sister doesn’t want to tell people and she shouldn’t have too that should be confidential for her safety. Back to this reply i agree with mariam advice reply w/salaams

  5. Assalaamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuhu
    i dont wanted to hurt you by asking your country
    i frm iran , and i have many pak frnds in my uni
    dey keep on telling me about da strories of there cousin
    dats why i asked you becuse your story was quit similar to those stories , wanted to give u a good sugesstion
    sorry for hurting you , i knw i shuld not have asked
    really sorry i also have dis waswasa probleme i do this to get rid of it
    When ever i get a waswasa/whispering from shaitan then i read Auzu Billaahi Minash Shaitaanir Rajim and it helps me alot
    take care dear sis

    • Alaikum as Salaaam "Sadgirl"

      Yeh i know how similar some peoples stories can be and people from Asia and MIddle East have similar cultures so usually the case scenarios. Thats fine Im not offended you probabaly just got excited for a moment, but thats fine Inshallah, thank you for your advice I also say Authu billah hi minashyaatnir rajeem. It helps alot Alhamdulilah.

      May Allah keep you happy, wise and healthy inshallah.

  6. innaalillaahi wa innaa ilayhi raaji'uun
    the ONLY time when a man should weep, is out of the fear of Allaah and khushuu'.
    NOT over a woman, especially when she is not halaal for him in the first place.

    im sorry my sister if this post doesnt help you, but someone has to tell you the truth.
    you are not halaal for eachother, and shouldnt even live/be alone together.

    that is breaking the boundries of Allaah and no barakah may come from such a relationship.

  7. saw a black cat in my dream...? what does that mean? and my mom was loving that black cat . that cat wanted to come in to our home and it entered finally..

    what does that mean??

    • Nokia8,

      We are not qualified to interpret dreams here. Having said that, I would not recommend you to go seeking an interpretation of it, rather ask Allah to give you good and to protect you from evil. No-one knows the unseen but Allah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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