Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Proposal for Christian woman to be second wife to Muslim man

Can polygamy work successfully?

Hello. I need your opinions & repsonses.

I would like to know if anyone has a successful polygamous relationship & what is the hardest part of being or having second wife?

This man  has asked me again to marry him & become 2nd wife so we can have a relationship. (Second marriage is not acknowledged by local government.) I told him I am not comfortable being 2nd wife but he fears asking for divorce again because of the havoc it created years earlier (before I knew him.)  Plus he is doubly scared because he has seen the outcome of my own divorce (allowed in Eastern Orthodox) & I have been nearly ruined financially. So I sort of understand his reservations. And since Islam allows polygamy, well quite frankly, why should they go through that mess?

Does his wife & her family have to accept me?  How bad can it be? We each have our own homes & incomes. She has large family, I have very small. She has no children, I have 2.  She is traditional, I am modern.  She does not like having him around & I do. We both live within 30 minutes of each other but he is hoping I will move to the town where he works  which is 2 hours away.

The main issue I would need to battle is jealousy. His main residence is with her & I know I will feel left out.  I am already feeling left out.  He was hoping for us to be married before Ramadan but this is not possible for me. So he has said that we can not see each other during Ramadan & the following Eid celebration. This is going to be very difficult for me & makes me wonder if I should wait for him or not.  I have already tried to break off relations with him & we both were heartbroken. After only 4 months my heart says jump.

I will not lie- we love each other & at our age, it is hard to find. But I am petrified of making a wrong decision. And I don't like the thought of being "sacrificed" for Ramadan. Please help me work these issues out. I can not find a Muslim counselor & no one I know can possibly relate.

Peace to everyone.

My original post

- Jenn


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34 Responses »

  1. hey how are you? ok after readin i can understand how you must feel. in islam if a man marrys twice then he is obliged to treat both women equally, if cannot then he should not re-marry. his wife family got no say in it. also the wife cant do nuthin.

    if you feel that you cant bear the thought of sharing your man etc then its best if you dont get married to him. since i dont the type of person he is i suggest you have a dep think before you make a move. dont rush into somethin you will regret.

    hope things workout

    peace....

    • your wrong the first wife can divorce him she does not have to stay in the marriage.

      • Only if she specified the right at the time of the nikah ceremony. Otherwise it must go through the khulla system and the islamic judge will rule if she has grounds for divorce or not.

  2. Hey Jenn:

    Here are my thoughts:

    01. Islam allows polygamous marriage. However, for men it is not something to boast about, it is rather about great responsibility, as stern warning has been given by Allah Himself if the husband fails to be equitable among his wives. Therefore, the man first will have to decide if he can be a just husband.

    02. The husband then should honestly assess and find out why he wants to take a second wife. Has his first wife failed to bore him children? Has the first wife has considerable lower sex drive compared to that of his? Is the of women in the society outnumbers men? Is he marrying because he wants to support a poor widow?

    In your description, you have said that you love that man. I am not sure how that love outside marriage between two of you came into existence, but such love is not allowed in Islam. Period. The existence of such love implies that the man is willing to marry you not for any practical reason, but to fulfill his whims and desires that borne unlawfully.

    03. Women by nature have jealousy. Even the wives of the Messenger of Allah, whom are regarded as the mothers of the believers and who are the best example to follow for all Muslim women, felt jealous about their counterparts. Despite being the wives of the Messenger of Allah, they at times could not help it. It is natural.

    04. The man that you want to marry previously asked for divorce from his first wife. This means his relationship with his first wife is not smooth. This is an incident that saddens me. I do not know what went wrong in their relationship. So I cannot comment. However, the best thing a father can provide for his children is loving their mother. There could be genuine reasons for why the man is having tough time with his first wife. From my experience I have however seen that especially men, when they become attracted to the beauty of another woman, starts behaving badly towards their children and first wife. If such is the case, I would say men are guilty of insincerity, ungratefulness, selfishness, infidelity and so on. It is a failure on the men's part because they have failed to lower their gaze and control their desire as per Islamic Sharia.

    05. Since the first wife of the man you want to marry do not have good relationship with her husband, I am sure that she is already felling insecure enough. Every woman wants their husband to love them. They want to hear I love You. They constantly need verbal reassurance. If man marries you, you can imagine how much more insecure she will feel.

    Put yourself in the shoes of that women and think if you would have liked that.

    06. In Islam, a successful marriage requires two things: love and mercy. Most of us, the men, do not have the mercy part. The wife who fulfills our desires, gives us children, loves us becomes nothing in a moment when we see another dazzling woman. The first wife becomes nothing when she becomes sick for somewhat prolonged time. The reason for the failure to show mercy, if not love, is men's failure to properly understand the sacrifice of the first wife, the failure to keep their desires within limit, the failure to shape thier character as per Islamic teachings.

    Now you decide if you want to become his second wife.

    • Aslaam Alikum,
      Very well said. I wish more muslims had the same wisdom. May Allah bless you.
      your brother in islam.
      mohmed

  3. I read through your previous postings, you seem to have quite the relationship with this man. I do not know the 'laws' on the family accepting you, but the wife has to. As Ahmed said you will be her equal, the man must love her as much as he loves you and take care of you both in the same matter (money wise, house wise, etc). You shouldn't be upset about him dropping you for Ramadan, Muslims are to be on their best behavior during that month and being so close to a non-mahram isn't best behavior. Though I feel Strangers repose was quite sexist , he is right about why Muslims enter polygynous marriages. It's not because you think two girls are cute (thought that does happen as well), it's because your brother just died and his wife has no where to go except to your house. That's not to say there is no love toward the second wife, but it's more about necessity than the first marriage was.

    Some of my closest friends are Muslims, so hard to find people who don't drink at Uni, and I do alter my behavior around them (don't eat in front of them during Ramadan, make sure any food I cook is halal, and only invite boys to the event if the Muslimahs are cool with it). It's not a sacrifice or a trial, but respecting them (they make sure to only serve me vegetarian food in return :] ). If you marry this man you may see this coming up too, are you OK with that? Are you OK with your children, or at least any kids convinced with him, being raised Muslim? I think you need to make sure you're compatible with those aspects, and then pursue the marriage. It can be a wonderful arrangement, the first wife could look after your kids when you need a break and you could experiment with cooking w/o alcohol, but make sure everything is :) before you jump for it. I think you, the man, the man's wife, and a inter-faith person should chat to figure out if this will lead to a happier lifestyle for all.
    Off-Topic: I didn't know E. Orthodox permitted divorce, I know in Catholicism (my religion) it is Highly looked down upon, thanks for teaching me something.

  4. Below is the letter of invitation to Islam to Sakura and Jenn:

    ____________________________________________________________________________________

    In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

    From Stranger (out of his responsibility as a Muslim to convey the Truth to others and his genuine concern to save two fellow human beings from a life of eternal regret) to Sakura and Jenn.

    "Closer to people draws their reckoning, yet they continue to blithely turn away. Whenever there comes to them any new reminder from their Lord, they listen to it, but take it in jest; their hearts set on (worldly) pleasure." [The Noble Quran 21:1-2]

    Peace be upon those who follow true guidance and believe in Allah and His messengers. I bear witness that there is no God but Allah and all His messengers, from Adam till Muhammad (May Allah’s peace be upon them), were His slaves and Muhammad (May Allah’s peace be upon him) is His final messenger to humankind.

    Allah has no associate. He is the Sovereign, the Holy, the Source of Peace, the Giver of Peace, the Guardian of Faith, and the Preserver of Safety. He has taken neither a wife nor a son and I bear witness that Jesus (May Allah’s peace be upon him), the son of Mary, a messenger, is the spirit of Allah and His Word which He cast into Mary, the virgin, the good, the pure, so that she conceived Jesus (May Allah’s peace be upon him). Allah created him from His spirit and His breathing as He created Adam (May Allah’s peace be upon him) by His Hand. Allah said in the Quran in detail:

    And [for] their saying, "Indeed, we have killed the Messiah, Jesus, the son of Mary, the messenger of Allah ." And they did not kill him, nor did they crucify him; but [another] was made to resemble him to them. And indeed, those who differ over it are in doubt about it. They have no knowledge of it except the following of assumption. And they did not kill him, for certain. Rather, Allah raised him to Himself. And ever is Allah Exalted in Might and Wise. And there is none from the People of the Scripture but that he will surely believe in Jesus before his death. And on the Day of Resurrection he (Jesus) will be against them a witness. [The Noble Quran 4: 157-159]

    And do not say, "Three"; desist - it is better for you. Indeed, Allah is but one God. Exalted is He above having a son. To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth. And sufficient is Allah as Disposer of affairs. [The Noble Quran 4: 171]

    Having said so, I call you to Allah alone with no associate and to His obedience and to accept Islam, the complete code of life and the ultimate submission to the will of the Creator, that was revealed to Adam, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Lot, Ishmael, Jacob, Joseph, Job, Jethro, Moses, Aaron, David, Solomon, Elijah, Elisha, Jonah, Ezekiel, Zechariah, John, Jesus and was finally perfected and completed through Prophet Muhammad, the seal of all messengers (May Allah’s peace be upon all of them). Allah have sent messengers to humankind from time to time in infuse fear of Allah in every living person and convey His message, so that the charge may be proved against those who reject the Truth in the Day of Judgment. Allah said:

    “And be conscious of the Day on which you shall be brought back unto God, whereupon every human being shall be repaid in full for what he has earned, and none shall be wronged”. [The Noble Quran 2:281]

    Whoever accepts Islam and the admonition of Allah, does it for his or her own good. If you embrace Islam, you will find safety and security (both in this world and the hereafter), and Allah, the Sublime, shall reward you doubly (both in this world and the hereafter). But if you refuse to do so, you will have to bear the burden of the transgression.

    If you accept this invitation, forward this message to your family members, relatives, and friends. If you reject this invitation, I ask Allah to be witness that I have conveyed the message to you, and I recite to you the following verse from the Holy Quran:

    "Say: ‘O people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians), come to a word that is just between us and you, that we worship none but Allah, and that we associate no partners with Him, and that none of us shall take others as lords besides Allah.’ Then, if they turn away, say: ‘Bear witness that we are Muslims (the people who submitted to the will of the Creator).’”[The Noble Qur'an 3:64]

    ***
    01. I have started a project of calling people to Islam through internet. Whenever I come to know a Christian, I invite him or her to the Truth. I do this because I genuinely and sincerely want to save my fellow human beings from eternal damnation. Thus consider this call as the greatest invitation you have ever received, because accepting it would spare you from an eternal regret. That said, this invitation letter is like any other invitation letter; you can either accept or discard. Allah said:

    “Let there be no compulsion in religion: Truth stands out clear from Error: whoever rejects evil and believes in Allah hath grasped the most trust worthy hand-hold, which never breaks. And Allah heareth and knoweth all things.” [The Noble Qur'an 2:256].

    I can only convey the message. I cannot change the heart of people and I will not attempt that either. I leave that in the hand of Allah. He said:

    “Verily! You guide not whom you like.” [The Noble Qur’an 28:56]

    Allah however guides those who are humble and sincere in their approach to find the truth. He said:

    "Those who behave arrogantly on the earth in defiance of right - them will I turn away from My signs: Even if they see all the signs, they will not believe in them; and if they see the way of right conduct, they will not adopt it as the way; but if they see the way of error, that is the way they will adopt. For they have rejected Our signs, and failed to take warning from them. Those who reject Our signs and the meeting in the Hereafter, vain are their deeds: Can they expect to be rewarded except as they have wrought?" [The Noble Qur'an 7:146-147]

    Aside from ego, what prevents people from accepting the true guidance are perpetual skepticism (fueled by media) and ingrained love for this world. Leaving these three things aside, judge the religion of Islam and you will find no other way but to submit to the will of Allah.

    02. The majority of the sentences used in this letter were taken exactly from the eight letters the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) sent to eight mighty kings of his time. I could have framed a letter myself, but retreated thinking no Muslim can write a letter of Invitation to Truth that would be more effective than that of the Prophet in terms of conviction.

    03. You can read Quran from here: http://quran.com

  5. thank you for your responses. I will say that I have never in my life been in such a relationship as this & I am fearful of making a big mistake. If I want the right to divorce him, do I need to ask for it before the marriage takes place? I am actually worried that his 1st wife will react in such a way that I may not want to remain in the marriage.

    btw- my beliefs on why he wants 2nd wife -goes beyond physical attraction: he has no hope for children with his first wife. I have a teenage boy & girl that have very limited contact with their father so he hopes to be a parent figure & grandfather some day. That's if I get through Ramadan. I am having major emotional issues during this time & miss talking to him. He usually gives advice or a pep talk to get me through some of my issues. I am trying to help him adhere by limiting contact.

    Peace to all.

  6. Hi I'm going through part of the same thing. My man is Muslim and I'm Buddhist though. Bigger problem there! Well first with the marriage thing. He can not get married to you without his first wife's permission. As far as divorce he can divorce her if he wants too. Getting her permission could be just as difficult. Although if you both are in America he might think he can get by that because ours courts don't recognize it. If in America it is illegal to marry more then one person. So he could go to jail. Not you or her. Other countries no problem. I suggest you do what I did. Research Islam as much as you can. BTW you can not live in another home unless he spends exactly equal time with you and her. These marriages have very strict rules. If he pays for the household for her he must pay for the household for you. He must spend equal time and money. Islam is very strict in this regard. He can not marry another wife unless he can afford to keep both women and any children in equal way. I'm telling you research research research!!! As far as Ramadan please do not feel 'sacrificed' for Ramadan. My man will not speak with me during this time. It also does not help we had an argument right before Ramadan started. Luckily we made up BUT it's hard. I know what you are going through. All the things that go through your head. heck I found out through your blog I have to wait through Eid too! lol Nuts for me! So ithought the wait was over now it's three more days! YUCK! Just know that you are not alone. Being with a Muslim man and loving him and being a non-Muslim is difficult just because you don't understand all the rules. What drives them on a day to day basis. Also before marring him you really should take a long look at Islam. Any concerns you have or questions you should bring up before marriage. read anything on the internet to do with Muslim marrige. Or Nikah. It is insightful. Have you met the other wife? Do you like her? Does she like you? You can live in same house if you want if all parties agree with it. Maybe she can be one part of his marriage and you another and both of you are a good team for him and each other. Yes it can work. I've heard of it working before. Just NO secrets! It has to be open and you need to know what you are getting into. She is more then likely Muslim. She knows what to expect. You don't. Good luck! And I hope you find the right choices for you. No matter what he says look it up and ask questions. Be smart about it. You can write me anytime.

  7. Oh yeah one more thing. Reading about Nikah and learning more about his faith and beliefs brought me closer to him during this time of separation. It made me look at marriage with my Muslim man in a better light. I grew to understand him on a daily basis. Why he does certain things. Like I said before insightful. As far as divorcing him yes you do need to put it as a condition of your marriage. You can put conditions on your marriage. Look up the word "Nikah" (Islamic marriage). Islam stipulates ALL aspects of marriage. I mean ALL even sex in the marriage bed. yep it does. So it is easier to know what to expect from him. It is all written out in Islam before you even marry. But you need to inform yourself. Meet with him and meet with the other wife too. Ask all questions and concerns before getting married. There is not much law written regarding divorce in Islamic countries because it is already stipulated in Islamic law. Hope all this helps!

  8. Thanks for all these thoughts and view am in the same situation... I thought it was just me.. all I can say is thank you

  9. Thank you for high lighting all this to me I am in exactly the same situation as Jenn... I have learnt a lot from all your responses. I just want to know something from anyone.. am I suppose to then change my religion if I do get married to my muslim boyfriend? I mean like in a christian religion if I am Anglican and I get married to a Roman catholic I move to my husbands church... does it apply in this case?

    • No, it does not. Islam, like all religions, has some pretty archaic laws but their marriage& divorce laws are very modern unlike Christianity. Your husband is required to respect your religion, but you're also to be respectful of his. For example: you have the right to go to church everyday and celebrate Christmas, but you do not have the right to bring your husband to Church or do your celebration, like he cannot force you to go to Mosque. Your interactions with church also can be 'cut' if they get in the way of your marriage, and it's not seen as terrible if your husband request this. Another example: Your son needs to go to football camp this summer for a week at noon, but the mass you attend is at noon. You go everyday, but now it's effecting your home-life. Your husband could take him on Sunday, but it would be proper if you took him the other days.

      Islam is very similar to Christianity, so many Christians who get married to Muslims end up converting post-marriage as they are exposed to the religion more and maybe would to assist in raising the kids as Muslims (this is one of the less modern laws, any child you have with him is considered to be Muslim thus you raise them to go to Ju'mah, fast during Ramadan, and etc).On the flipside, there are people like my Uncle who married a Christian woman and is all :D about her being Christian as he likes being around someone who is Devout in God rather than this or that, so for 40+ years she has kept her religion and ritual.

      Today (or tomorrow in some parts of the world) is 'Eid,meaning Ramadan is over! It is also the Jewish new year. I hope all the stress from Ramadan can result in a nice new year for you!

      In sum
      -you can keep your religion and ritual
      -going to mosque with your husband or having Muslims religious leaders at your cereemoney will not change your religion
      -your child will be raised Muslim

      Off-topic
      -Am I the only non-Muslim who enjoyed Ramadan? My Muslim friend visited me for a while(2 weeks) and it was fun to fast with her.

  10. I did not enjoy Ramadan for this reason I was away from my Muslim man. I didn't like this at all. I also have no Muslim friends though either. The Muslim women where I am living are kept away from the American women mostly. I really don't like that for I would like to meet some new friends. The situation for me and my guy is he is the first of all his friends to want to marry. So his friends are all single and such. No wives, no children. BUT I did take this time away from him to learm about Islam. Like I said I am Buddhist and it is incourraged to learn the ways of the people around you in order to better understand them. I do feel I will enjoy Ramadan and Eid after we are married. Because we will not be seperated then. (for the most part!) lol Religion is an issue for me because I will not convert. Though he has no problem with that. He accepts me the way I am. Islam will not. BUT I have heard from other women that once you are married and then have children that the Muslim man turns to Islam and changes are more then likely to occur. I have been counseled to learn about Islam and any questions or concerns I have should be addressed to my Muslim man before ever getting married. These things would be child rearing, religion(in Buddhist case if his family and community will accept me too), wife's clothing, going out in public, schools, learning of Arabic by wife and children (when applicable), etc... You may think you can be the same if you marry a Muslim after the ceremony he may want you to change. It all depends on the man, what country he comes from(each country is different in some aspects), and communication. Before ever marrying a Muslim if you are a non-Muslim it would probably better to research Islam and the country he comes from. Gather your questions and concerns and then bring them to him. If he will not discuss these things then there could be big problems. If he listens and talks with you then you can come to some agreements about your future life. You can also put very importantt things as conditions in your marriage. It is your right in Islam to do this. As can he. As far as your specific religion it depends on your religion. Christians and Jews are allowed to keep their religions...but in Islam all others are asked to convert. I also agree with Sakura about what was said concerning religion. For me being a Buddhist is a way of life as Islam is his way of life. I love him and respect him for who he is. I do not want to change him. I have asked him for this same respect. He said of course. Now I must make sure all of his family will accept this as well. As far as my children in Islam it is expected for them to be Muslim. For me I have an issue. I am the child of innerfaith marriage. My mother is Irish Catholic, father Buddhist. It is customary to follow mother's faith. It was not for me. At the age of six I rebelled and hard. I do not want a struggle like this for my children so I have always felt my children should be raised with all values of faith and choose. I will bring this up to my man. I want our children to be taught both faiths fully. I would be a happy mother if they become Islamic Buddhist and live by the good of both religions fully. Let's just see how he feels about this. Wish me luck. One more thing about Ramadan you should think about before marriage. You must not only support him during Ramadan but be informed as to what that entails. Getting up at 4:30a.m. to fix breakfast when it is right for him to eat. Respect him by not eating or drinking in front of him, wanting sex or any other forbidden things during the day light hours. It is hard enough but your partner should be with you in this. I hope this helps Jenn and anyone one else too. Sorry I am so longwinded...it is just so nice to speak with people like me who love a good Muslim man and people who are trying to help us in that relationship with advice. Thank you.

    • Pardon if it's impolite, but I would like Wael to email you my email so that we could communicate off the site. I rather not flood this post with personal conversation, yet I feel we could become good online friends to full in the void of you not having any Muslim friends or people who are involved with Muslims or use to living with Muslims or what not. :)

      • Sakura, I have forwarded your email address to "Roux". She can contact you directly if she chooses.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Thank you I accepted and responded privately. Anyone else here who would like to contact me just reply and ask. Wael may give you my contact information. I would like this. I would like to thank Jenn for the post. It gives us all a connection with each other we would have never had before. Plus I would like to say thank you for the mens views as well. It is good to get views from both genders. I feel it is helpful.

          • Hi Wael
            Please share my details with Roux.
            I have met a Muslim man who has asked me to be his 2nd wife. I am Christian and heavily conflicted by the situation. As a Christian, having a relationship with a married man is taboo - huge as far as sins go.
            Please could I share my experiences with you.
            Thanks

          • Khuthalani,
            My e-mail is ***************
            Feel free to write to me.
            Thank you.
            Roux

          • Wael has not given me your info. He does not agree with my views. So he censored me. There goes freedom of speech.

          • Roux, I did not even notice this exchange until it was pointed out to me. I don't always read every comment. I don't know why you would think that I was censoring you, since I passed on your email previously to someone else, as you know. Frankly, your negative, cynical attitude does not encourage me to put people in touch with you. That's not what these people need.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Hello, I am a Christian woman and I am falling in love with a Muslim man that is married with six children in Pakistan! I cannot believe this myself. He is younger than myself. He wants to get married and have me as his second wife, I don't know how any of this works or if it can. I would surly like to know more about these relationships and what I can expect.

          • Mary, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll answer you in turn. However, I can tell you now that it sounds like a very bad idea for so many reasons. I strongly suggest that you break off this relationship and find someone more compatible.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Hello, I'm needing help, I'm a American Christian woman, my childhood friend moved in 1997, I have found him.

      (Leia, I've deleted the rest of your question. You can log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll answer it in turn. But my quick advice to you now is LEAVE THIS MAN ALONE. Leave him and his family in peace. Go find yourself an unmarried man. - Wael, IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  11. Many Thanks once again. It is actually very comforting to hear the thoughts of others in the same position. Thank You Roux for sharing & giving me your perpective. It really does help to hear how others handle certain situations when I am confused or feeling like I'm crazy. My friends know nothing of all this which is why I like this forum. I can be honest here.

    I'll be happy to report that I made it thru Ramadan, Eid & 6 days of Shawwal without having a complete meltdown. I am learning patience, if anything. I have spent many hours reading about Islam. I did that when I first met him to be sure I could be tolerant & supportive. I have utmost respect for most faith-based rituals & observances. I am very pleased that he takes Islam seriously. I know some of you will tell me "well then he should not have any relationship outside of marriage." Of course, he is only human & does have weaknesses like the rest of us. He is trying his best to do the right thing. So am I.

    His first marriage is not loveless. It has however, become intolerable for him & he wants out. He does not want to tell his wife about his 2nd marriage until after it is done. I feel this to be deceitful, but he believes her family would go to great lengths to stop him. I have asked what he is hoping for & have mentioned that I do not believe I could stay married for any length of time while continuing to be 2nd wife. He has assured me I will be as much his wife as the 1st one & that he is actually hoping that she just finally "goes away" when she finds out. He does not want to tell his family til afterwards. I think he wants out of his marrriage but is not willing to risk being left alone. Being close to 50, I guess I can see that too. He confides in me, but I don't really want to hear it. I don't want to know what their issues are. I counsel others but have told him I refuse to counsel him on his marriage based on my lack of objectivity & it being a conflict of interest. I do care for him in a way that I wish I could wave a majic wand & his marriage would be great.

    I am scared too. The difficulty in this interfaith relationship is that it is limited -until you are married. But as a Christian, I was raised to be really sure you know & love the person you are marrying. How do I know if he's cranky in the morning? or if he tidies up after himself? or is tolerant of my friends or my children? If he's romantic & cuddly or a cold fish? By appearances, we would be a good match. But I must marry him to find out for sure. If I don't & instead choose to break it off with him? I fear I would be letting a really good man get away. So, in order for us to be a couple, we must marry. Hmmm. If my friends & family find out, they will think I fell off the deep end after my divorce. The marriage would be valid in eyes of Islam but not recognized in the USA. Could he really go to jail ? I sure hope not. It would ruin his career. Ohhh, life is soooo challenging. But so worthwhile at the same time. Even the worst experiences we endure wind up being learning tools for ourselves & others.

    Wishing blessings for you all~
    Jenn

    • Hey Jenn, I am in Florida, where are you?
      I am Christian and I am in a very similar situation. Would you mind if we exchange emails and communicate?
      I am very new to this.

      Nubia

      • Nubia,

        We do not allow the exchange of email addresses on this site. However if you wish for some advice, you can log in and submit your question as a separate post. Alternately, you can comment on specific posts.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. Hi everyone, I am a Christian woman who has been involved wth a married Muslim man for 5 years. He has asked me to marry him twice in the past, but i have said no on both occasions. He has one child with his wife. I want him to get divorced as i am not keen on the second wife issue! Firstly, am i right in saying it is not accepted in Christianity? Its seen as polygomy. I havent been married before and have no children. I am getting to that stage where i would like to be married and have a baby with him. Even if marriage is off the cards, i would still be willing to have a child with him. We love each other so much and he spends more time with me than his wife. His whole family knows about me and even wanted me to be the second wife (obviously to avoid further embarresment). I am really not sure what i should do. I would love to hear some of your opinions.

    Thanks

    • Dear Guest.
      I may not be the right one to answer you but I beg you to reconsider your options.This man has a wife and child. He is already a father for the remainder of his life. It is not right of you to want to break that up. It would be different if divorce was his choice, but it has not happened in the past 5 years so he probably does not want to. if it happens due to pressure from you, there may always be that issue between you - that you forced him to choose. And his child, your possibly future step-child will grow up with that knowledge. If you are his girlfriend and are willing to have his baby, then why not marry him? His family likes you and you want to start a family with him. He has asked. You have turned him down twice. He may not ask again. And it is the most correct thing to do. Islamically, you are both comitting grave sin by having sex outside of marriage. After 5 years you should consider marrying him as is, or move along. You are young and have not yet had children. He may seem like your only hope for children and marriage, but God willing you will find another.The love you feel is a projection of your own love onto him. If you can feel deep love for him, you can feel it with another. It is your choice to stay or leave. You are already beyond setting a time limit, but really, it's never too late to find another love. I am 47 and have had 4 long-term loves in my life. I only married one (so far) but there were 4 different men that I would have died for,had babies for and loved. I love my guy and I am willing to give him a chance. & I know if this relationship doesn't work, I will cry my heart out, be depressed, be angry, but I will find another man to love and to love me. He doesn't know it yet, but I have decided to marry him -with conditions. I am not ok with sharing and have issues concerning sharing our future joint assets with a third party, so our marriage will include a time limit for him to have a separation agreement underway in preclusion to divorce or I will have the right to divorce him. (He knew how I felt when I agreed to see him as he is the one who declared his marriage over.) And if he drags his feet after we are married, even though we declare love for each other, that means he doesn't care enough about me to honor his word. So I am fully prepared if needed, to wipe my tears, pull up my big girl panties and move on.

      Say some prayers for answers & give deep thought to your own situation before you get further tangled. I will say prayers for you too. They really do work if you have faith- doesn't matter whether Christian or Muslim. I believe Islam calls this Ishtakara.

      In hope & peace to you.
      ~Jenn

  13. the last post was on October 2010.

    I hope you guys get to read this or someone else who might get something from this.

    A man who keeps you away from his first wife, who touches you, perhaps sleep with you is likely to be someone who would make you cry when you become his wife.

    You should be interested in the relationship with his first wife because that will tell you a lot about the kind of person he is.

    Recently, my emotionally abusive husband considered marrying a second wife. Okay it hurt but I was full of pity for the 'second wife' for what awaits her. I know how insensitive my husband is and how irresponsible he is with me and the kids. He'll probably do the same to her but she doesnt know all that and just sees him as 'sweet'. Remember how you felt when your divorced husbad treated you when you were dating.

    a proper muslim man will not marry you in secret and 'hope' his first wife will go away,

    Laslty, I am a muslim woman. Islam protects the rights of women and defends us etc. But I warn you to exercise caution on all those sweet and positive things you read about rights of couples in Islam because in reality some muslims dont abide by those laws. So you MIGHT find yourself in shock when you realise he is not the way Islam expects him to be or does not fit your Quranic image of an ideal muslim husband.

    BUT .... you could be lucky to find a proper one!

    • why didn't you tell the the second wife what kind of man he is before she marries him? do you really want another women to go through the same problems that you did what if she has kids with him how do you think he will treat them? I mean do you really want the women to go through the same pain and abuse that you went through? do you yourself wanna let your life pass by with a man that doesn't love you or respect you!

  14. Hello. It's been 9 months since my first post and I'm still where I was. It's. Been difficult and we have had many conersations about what our plans should be. Procrastination? Maybe. We both will be upsetting the apple cart and we know it. He has really bad relationship with his first wife. I was married to an emotionally abusive man for 22 years. I had received psychotherapy and many years of counselling to get my head screwed on straight again.I now assist in counselling others & I do know my man does not fit the profile. This was a bigger concern to me than the issues I wrote about. He and his wife faced issues that they have not been able to move past. Blame and guilt and childlessness have made both of them miserable. I recall words from an old friend after her divorce, " he's a good guy, but not with me. And I hated who I was when I was married to him. We were oil and water."
    I have also come to realize that no matter what religion you are, if you have good deen and true faith that God knows best, all things will work out fine.
    Sorry for typos, I'm using little phone touchscreen. So cool, but Ugh!
    Blessings and peace. ~Jenn

    • 1. regardless of how you feel for your 'Muslim boyfriend' you should leave him alone as you said yourself he is experiencing marital problems himself maybe he was just using you so that he could forgot about his problems he is having with his first wife.

      2. If she finds out about you the other women it will cause more problems between him and his first wife your just making things difficult being in the picture

      3. get out before you cause anymore problems

      4. even though you have good intentions you are already committing a major sin communicating and thinking about a married man

      5. even though Islam allows polygamy it does not mean that a wife will just except it.

  15. Hello. This is an update regarding my situation.

    I had come to realize that I did not like the way this man was conducting himself in secrecy. I gave him 1-1/2 years to remedy his situation with his first wife. I understand his plight, but I felt I could not carry on in secret- no matter what religion - it is not right to keep such things secret from anyone. If a man is worth his weight, he should be upstanding and act appropriately by God's laws. I took a step away and sseperated myself from him for awhile- several months while I cried and prayed and tried to make sense of it all. Well, my eyes were opened. I saw him for what he was. He is still a very confused man and even though he is wonderful in so many ways, the secrecy made me feel very dejected and disrepected by him. If there is anything that is of utmost importance in a relationship - it is respect for each other. He made me feel very loved - but only under his terms. I have refused to marry him now. He still reminds me that he had bought me a ring and that he carries it with him as a reminder of our love, but I have moved on.

    I am now engaged to an absolutely wonderful man, who loves and respects me. We have a wonderful life so far. He has been divorced for 5 years and there are no secrets. He is proud to show me off as his future wife and I feel so happy and pleased by his actions that I can not help but love him even more. My confused man has met him and wishes us well as I have asked him to please make things right with his wife for his own sake. (He is more concerned with losing half of his retirement through divorce than in being free.) It seems he will continue to be miserable along the wrong path while I have found happiness after deciding to do things right. It is true, what you feel in your gut/heart will guide you to the right path. If you find yourself in a similar situation, I wish you well and ask that you say many prayers to help you through.

    God Bless you all. And mostly, thank you so very much for your advice. Negative as well as positive responses helped me immensely.

    Love, ~Jenn :)

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