I want to marry him but he has moved on, I don’t know what to do anymore
I need some help, I think I am going crazy. I am 25 years old, I was in a relationship with a man 6 years older than me and was moving towards marriage. We had a physical relationship which he introduced me to, even though I felt guilty about it because I knew it was wrong, I found pleasure in it, but we never lost our virginity. Things did not work out and he dumped me, it was hard for both of us, he got through it and has broken off all contact with me but I am still in love with him but have driven him away with my persistence to patch things up.
It may not sound like it but I am conscience of my deen which is why when things ended I was distraught and immensely regretful with the sins we had committed, Ifeel so ashamed. This is the reason why I insisted that we try to patch things up and become one, so that we can repent together and cover each others faults. He wants nothing more to do with me because both him and his family think I am strange and wierd for constantly contacting him (the family do not know that I am desperate for him because of the sins we committed together.) I am praying more than usual and am finding peace when I turn to Allah, but recently and I feel so ashamed to write this but I cannot discuss this with anyone, I keep having sexual thoughts about this guy. I remember the things he did, and I miss it. I just want to clarify that I do not want to do haraam again, but I want to marry him and have him as my husband.
We already know so much about each other, and only broke up because of small misunderstandings. But he hates me so much and is so stubborn and its all becasue I stupidly have been chasing after him, and I am pretty sure he has moved on with someone else. I turn to Allah and ask Him to give me patience and to help me forget this man, or to bring him back with full devotion and intention to marry, and if not him to bring another better than him who I can marry soon. I am finding it so hard to control my sexual drive now, Ifeel so ashamed but I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I resort to masturbation to relieve the frustration and to stop me thinking about him. It provides temporary relief but I feel so depressed and guilty afterwards. I vow never to go back to it, but I end up doing it again. Even when I was with him he used to tell me to do it and I could hear him on the phone when he would tell me, but I would resist it. He is the only man I have ever made the mistake of having a physical relationship and I really want him back as my husband, I really do, because I feel ashamed.
He knows I was pure before meeting him, and since all of this happened with him it makes sense to marry him. I have also actively tried to find a spouse to marry other than him but I cannot find anyone suitable and it has been a year and a half. I keep asking Allah to give me patience but I am finding it very difficult now, I am so scared I will commit zina or become addicted to masturbation. I cannot control myself anymore. I need to get married, preferably to this man as he was my first and I still love him. I want to repent with him, get married to him and help each other become pure.
Also, I have been fasting, I have been praying extra, I try not to stay alone for too long or watch/listen/read anything to stimulate my desires but it is not helping. I feel like crying, I need a companion now. I feel so ashamed to have these feelings but I don't know what to do anymore, I am going crazy.
Please advise me and please do dua for me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have spoken to him about these thoughts and that we should get married but he does not care. I feel so helpless. Oh please help me.
-helplessad
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It's difficult to get over a break up and I'm sorry you are going through this pain. Let me redirect you to some portions of your post:
"We already know so much about each other, and only broke up because of small misunderstandings. But he hates me so much and is so stubborn and its all becasue I stupidly have been chasing after him, and I am pretty sure he has moved on with someone else."
He got angry because of small misunderstandings, hates you, and is stubborn. Sister, believe me when I say that these issues are big red flags for marriage. Sometimes women think that the other person will change with time and we tend to justify certain shortcomings because we are wearing the rose-colored glasses of love. If a man is going to get angry over little things and moreover, is too stubborn to consider your feelings, is that the type of man you want to marry?
"He is the only man I have ever made the mistake of having a physical relationship and I really want him back as my husband, I really do, because I feel ashamed."
You want a relationship with him because you feel ashamed. Read that again...do you think that's a good reason to get married to someone? Ask Allah for forgiveness and guidance because going into a marriage with these feelings of shame will not allay these feelings or correct the situation.
I understand your heart is broken, but consider this - do you think it is possible that Allah willed this because it was better for you and your religion? Look what happened after the breakup: you are praying more, fasting, repenting, and in general directing your energy towards Allah and your Islam. If that's the case, then I would consider what happened that made you do these actions (breaking up) a blessing.
You are in agony because you miss him. And you miss him because you think of all the good, positive feelings you experienced when you were with him that you no longer have. Note that it is the *feelings*, such as love and belonging, that you miss. As difficult as it might be, I would advise you to do this: when you start thinking about the good times you had and lament over what was lost, redirect your attention to all of the times where he did you wrong and hurt you. Remember when he dumped you and just moved on. Remember that despite all of your efforts to make the relationship work, he wants nothing to do with you. Can you believe that? You swallowed your pride to make it work and he does not want your love. Women tend to stay too long in a relationship to try to make it work while men tend to leave too early. Don't make the same mistake.
Like I said, you are missing the FEELINGS the relationship gave you. You can get these feelings once again from a man (inshAallah) who wants to work things out, is patient, and has an even temper. In this case, I think it would be good to do what he did: cut him off like he cut you off. Do not think about him or your relationship. Do not contact him again. Focus on making yourself happy and do things that make you a better person. You had a life before this man entered your life and you have one after he left it. There is only one common denominator in both of these circumstances and that is Allah. Allah will never leave you. So my dear, rest your hopes and dreams for a good, God-fearing husband in Allah's hands. That is a noble dua to have and Allah is always listening. Be strong and know that since Allah is always there for you, Allah is all you really need. Say to yourself "To Allah we belong and to Him is our return." Also, follow the advice of the prophets who were sent by Allah to guide us:
"Seek God (Allah)'s help with patient perseverance and prayer. It is indeed hard except for those who are humble." (2:45)
"Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives, and the fruits of your toil. But give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who say, when afflicted with calamity, 'To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return.' They are those on whom descend blessings from their Lord, and mercy. They are the ones who receive guidance." (2:155-157)
"Through every difficulty there is relief. Verily, through every difficulty there is relief." (94:5-6)
I wish you well and hope you feel better.
MashAllah, excellent advice sister Faryal!
-Helping Sister
Sister,
I am not going to lecture you about your transgressions, you know what they are. You also know that Allah is very forgiving and merciful. Seek out his mercy and forgiveness.
As for this guy...leave him alone. He has made it crystal clear to you that he has moved on and so should you. Have respect for yourself and get yourself back on track to the right path of Islam.
It is totally understandable that you feel the need for a companion, you are human after all. Don't lower yourself another day by chasing after a guy who has no desire to be with you. There is an amazing guy out there who will love you and appreciate the beautiful woman that you are.
If you have learned anything through your experience, it is to love yourself, respect who you are and never...ever let a man touch you inappropriately in any manner. If he thinks you are the one, let him come and ask for your hand like a real man would.
From the sounds of things, you didn't lose much in my opinion irregardless of how you feel. This guy does all this intimate stuff with you and in the end he walks away? Sounds like a real winner to me...not.
Keep yourself close to Allah and the Quran close to your heart. You will overcome this and be stronger for it.
Salam
your being pessimistic!! He will definately return to you.
Dont be worried and just relax, he will come back to u.
As u said it is only a misunderstanding, it will clear up in time. But thinking about it and worring about it will make things worse. Your just being worried too much and that is the problem.
I hope he does not return back to you but even if he does, you should run away from him and for good this time.
Leave him to be. The more you chase him, the more desperate you will look (stop losing the 'self respect' that every human should keep for themself). And, the more he will run away from you.
Take it as a mistake in your life, to tawbah and promise not to give a man your emotions or body unless married now. Stay strong...even if you slip, shaitaan whispers to you that your horrible and wants you to give up. DO NOT LET HIM. Go back to Allah and start again and again and again. Your constant effort will strengthen you and help you succeed with this battle of your nafs inshallah.
Faryal has given you good advice, this man is not suitable for marriage. Red flags are flying all over your post and you do not see it because you are 'in love.' Use your head, not your heart inshallah and you will succeed.
Wasalaam
Dear sister,
Everyone has their own timetable for getting over someone. You developped a strong attachment to this man, and you may even have loved him. A year and a half is not very long - it takes a long time to get someone out of your system.
Please be patient. You are doing all the right things by praying, fasting, and turning to Allah, and also keeping your eyes open for someone else. You are 25 years old; you have many years ahead of you to find a spouse.
I am glad you recognize that he has moved on. You will move on too, Insha'Allah, but it is simply taking you longer. Women's hearts are different than men's hearts!
Keep praying. Do you wake up for tahajjud? Try that. Keep busy with your career/school/volunteer work, as the case may be. Try new things, new hobbies and interests. See your friends. Be sociable. Exercise and eat well.
In time, this dark episode in your life will pass. You just can't predict the timetable.
Thank you all for your advice, I have taken it all on board and I think I am well on my way to recovery, alhamdulillah. I think my way of dealing withit is to repress all his memories and live life day by day. I am a firm believer of life is too short. I simply don't want to waste anymore time dwelling over this guy, and making both myself and my family miserable. I have realised though, that I have lost my innocence so easily, and that does hurt because I guess if he had truly loved me he would have guarded my most important asset both as his sister in Islam and his future wife to be, as he knew how pure I was and how uncomfortable I felt with what was happening, but for some strange reason I still loved him and went back to him!!!! I really wish I had run as far away from him as possible, at least that way I would have been able to guard my chastity and maintain my relationship with my lord and my parents trust, as well as protecting my heart.
Just to clarify a few details, he did in fact want to marry me, and his family had asked for my hand in marriage many times. Unfortunately though it was a very formal 3-4 phone calls, and no other real effort was made by his family to help things progress. Just to point out at this stage, I was not in love with him and did not know him very well either, so it was important that both families could meet at least for my comfort and satisfaction. Every effort was being made by him, but although I loved him so dearly, and cared so much for him - and he knew this, he would still make significant mistakes every now and again which would make me question whether I could trust him enough to marry him but they were not big enough for me to leave him. I did not keep this a secret and in fact on many occasions asked him to talk and clarify certain points - he never really did this, or he would do all the talking until I felt so frustrated that I wanted to hang up on him!! Or he would avoid the topic completely and just talkto me lovingly and asked me to tell him that I loved him etc. I told him that I would love him and tell him this all the time but AFTER marriage (we did not have any physcial element to the relationship at this point) but he insisted that I speak lovingly etc. As time progressed I made my conditions all clear to him about marriage, and whether he agreed or not I'm not sure but he chased after me like crazy until I fell deeply and truthfully in love with him. I had not expereinced love before, and he was the first experience I had. I was quite young, 23, I actually had no idea how to handle things and to be honest I did not fully know what marriage was all about. Perhaps if I met him now, I woul dhandle things very differently, and prevent us both from making mistakes.
Anyway, to cut a long story short I tried to break up with him many times but I loved him so much by this time that I could not keep away from him, I was ready to marry him but for some reason he started changing...becoming less interested in me, not paying me much attention. Whenever we would meet he would want it to be all lovey dovey, and alot of haraam would happen, and after each meeting I would change my mind about marrying him because he made me feel so used and dirty. And then ultimately, I chased after him like crazy when he decided to dump me, and that was only because he would tell me he was unsure, and did not know if he had made the right decision. I am traumatised by the fact that I would cry all night to him and beg for him to take me back!!!! In return he would hang up on me, switch his phone off, answer my phone and put me on hold until I hung up - God it hurt so much!!! I can't help but think that he did all this to make him feel better, because I know he loved me at one point...and was desperate to marry me but I would not agree ...I can't help but feel guilty(becasue on many occasions I would threaten to leave him based on materialistic things, which I know now was wrong but I needed to be sure that he would support me financially in the future) and regret losing him. Am I wrong to think that way? I really do think that if I was to meet him now for the first time Iw ould handle things differently, and we would acutlaly be getting married. He was not a bad person really, but I thinkl he was insecure and wanted me to love him and support him. But I only criticised him when I became frustrated that he would not let me help him with certain minor issues, I felt belittled.
My second issue is that alhamdulillah I have tackeled the horrible issue of masturbating, I feel so disgusted. Those horrible thoughts only come into my mind when I think of the stuff I did with him, I feel so violated. But unfortunately, I have swung to the other extreme where I now have no desire. Alhamdulillah I have another proposal, but I have no interest in marriage anymore or in men. I feel unsafe and scared of a relationship with a man and feel that life will be better without marriage. Its a horrible and unnatural feeling to have, and it is hurting my parents and I am always frustrated. My beloved dad was crying because he feels so sad at my situation, my mum cries in secret...and it breaks me, but I just have no desire for marriage or even attempting to develop any kind of relationship with a man. This guy was the ONLY man I had ever had a relationship with and it ended so horribly. I am scared now and each time I think of marriage I think of this guy and try to repress my feelings. I'm not sure what to do now?
Mashallah I notice a sense of strength in your post that I did not see in your original message. Addressing some of the parts in your post, I'd like to say that you were not wrong to expect that he should support you. This is the man's duty in Islam and you SHOULD be asking this question to the man you are looking to marry. This says a lot about you because despite everything that you were going through, you still maintained a level head throughout this predicament by looking for particular qualities in your (potential) future husband.
It is not good to swing from one polarity to another; maintain a stable, steady stance because life will through different experiences at you. If you let yourself be moved by it, it will be harder to find yourself to move through the experience. But if you are stable, you will find the strength to learn from the experience and deal with the situation appropriately. You felt intense sexual desire so you acted it out and now you are competely absent of this feeling. It's natural. You are going the other way because you are trying to find balance. Instead of indulging in this feeling of not wanting to get married, accept that you are still healing and be gentle with yourself. Give yourself some time to heal because you don't want to enter a new relationship with baggage.
Most of all, love yourself, be patient, and do not chastise yourself for what happened. I understand you feel violated, betrayed, and you feel that your innocence was taken away. But honestly, I feel that innocence is truly a quality of the soul and whatever relationship you had with him does not in itself define who you are. It simply does not. You were young, you were moved by your emotions...Allah is aware of this. And alhumdulillah, you realized that there was a better way to handle it and you learned from it. Isn't that all you can do with it now? Isn't that what Allah wants? So put it behind you now completely and regain your sense of self by doing things that you want to do and make you feel better. Hang out with your friends, pursue a hobby, read a book, go into studies, DO something. Stay outside of your head. Don't repress any of your emotions...if it is possible, seek out therapeutic services from a professional if you feel it might help. Talk a trusted friend, write a letter to yourself, or come here if you want to talk about it. As cliche as it sounds, once you make a *conscious decision* to MOVE ON and be patient with whatever happens, time will heal you. You will forget him and there will come a time (inshAllah) where you will think of him and it will not stir any emotion in you. You deserve better and you will get over this inshAllah.
It takes time for the heart to heal and everyone does it in their own timeframe. It would be unfair to the person you marry (the proposal you mentioned) and to you yourself as well, if you agreed to this marriage before getting over the previous guy. Take 1 day at a time. Keep busy with work/studies/activities and ask Allah to heal your heart as you pray and make dua to Him. InshAllah, in time you WILL be ready to move on to some other plane of your life. Never close future doors in life based on single experiences!
Thanks again for the advice. Although I am not despairing because Allah makes the best plans and with time everything will fall into place, I just don't want to get over him. I still really love him and miss him alot, but his attitude now is of hate and disrespect towards me. He answered my last phone call a few months back and left it on without speaking to me, I could hear in the background his brother asking if I had called again? and then called me a wierdo, and then he hung up on me. Its as though he is purposely trying to break me, when he knows the real reason why I was so desperate for things to work out and how much he used me. Its hard to believe that someone who once loved me so much is now treating me so badly and that too in front of his family. He did a lot of stupid things, and used to CHASE AFTER ME like a crazy person eventhough I kept askign him to give me time, but not once did I expose him to my family or make him look stupid - I protected him. I do still believe all of this has happened because we both indulged in sin...and he was just to understand that and give things another chance, it would all work out perfectly. Why is he so unforgiving, and why does my heart still lead me back to him? I really don't want to marry anyone else.
Also recently many of my family members and friends have gotten married to people of their choice whom they fell in love with, and I can'thelp but thing that I will now never marry the guy that I loved and will have to just settle for someone else. I think its shaytan whispering to me an dmaking me feel insecure but it makes me feel unhappy.
sorry for writing so much but I saw this video today and thought it was amazing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pREicaw7qWw&feature=related
Please please please mention me in your duas.
Salaam sister.
First of all dear sister, I don't like your choice of name. You are not helpless and how we view ourselves is how we act. So I recommend that you change it to something more positive. You have free will and you have the power to take control of your life, even throughout this difficult time. So change your way of thinking.
Brother Wael wrote this beautiful post on Islamic sunrays - heres an extract please read:
“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Quran 13:11)
Brothers and sisters, each of us must accept that we can only change ourselves. That is the key to changing our situations in life. We can’t control anyone else’s feelings or actions. We cannot make anyone love us, treat us better, respect us even when we deserve it, accept us even when we are right, befriend us even when we are sweet, or believe in us even when we’re true.
Even if you are not physically or sexually intimate the guilt is still there as even emotional intimacy is still haraam. We are hurting our souls when we sin, even if we ourselves are not aware. There are many that have got through this too so do not despair. Its normal to speculated, 'why did he change,' etc but the truth is, it doesnt matter why - the fact is he did change. Alternatively maybe he never changed at all, he could have been this way from the start, its just that at the beginning people put on acts (sweet, loving, will do anything attitude). But the true colours can come out later. Just sometimes.. Either way it doesnt matter
Sister this journey you are taking to healing is a very tough one, but you will get there InshaAllah. Remind yourself of this during your darkest moments. It will be up and down. Sometimes you will feel like you are doing so well. Other times it will be very bad. 2 steps forward, one step back.
Anyway your first step of course is to make tawbah to Allah swt. The biggest loss was the fact you sinned and disobeyed Him so turn to Him and work to get closer to Him. He is Alhumdulilah the Most Merciful and He will forgive you if you are sincere.
One vm>ery important step
1. Let him go - Stop contacting him. Delete his details. Get the idea out of your head that he will come back to you and that he loves you etc. Remove the idea that you want to marry him and that no other guy is like him. These are untrue. Each time you contact him you open your wounds which are trying to heal. You lose dignity, you upset yourself.
This guy is not worthy of your time, so do not waste precious time still calling him.
Be aware that you cannot begin to heal unless you accept its over and stop contacting him.
Your heart loves him so your heart will lead you back to him. It needs time to get over him and it needs to accept its over forever. No ifs not buts.
And trust me you do want to get over him. Being away from Allah swt and coming back makes you realise how much you've missed. Learn from this mistake dear sister do not come near zina again. Don't keep friendships with males. Keep talk related to work/school if necessary (if at work/school) and never be alone with them/talk on phone casually etc.) After some time you may get a void in your heart. DONT try to fill it with another relationship. Fill it with salat and with zikr and actively work to make Allah pleased with you. Dont worry about marriage for now. Heal and give it time.
Also try to keep busy with useful, halal (but fun) activities. Of course things to get closer to Allah. But take a new hobby. As long as its halal. You never know, it may stick! It also provides enriching experiences.
What I am trying to say is from this difficult situation you can eventually bring out the best in your life and InshaAllah the better or even the best in yourself. (Although every day of your life you should be improving.) It is like a flower out of soil. You can decide that you wantto make this painful trial into something which betters you as a person. It starts with accepting responsibility, taking a tough journey, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Will pray for you InshaAllah.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
I really miss him, I wish things had not turned out this way 🙁 I know what has happened is wrong but please mention me in your duas, I will be distraught if he marries someone else.
Sister please read my post- I am in the same position as you 🙁
Aoa sister, I have just read your post. May Allah swt give us both strength to get through this. How are you coping with it? I am finding it so hard, I really miss him. I keep thinking why, and I think its because I feel lonely. At home, my parents as lovely as they are, are always arguing. My dad is so disrespectul towards my mum - he is constantly arguing, and it is so hard to be patient with him, my mum is a very very strong lady and she carries on selflessly as thought nothing is wrong, but I can see she is not happy. So ultimately, it is making everyting really hard. I miss the good times this guy gave me, he was so loving, I really really wish he could come back.
Please mention me in your duas and I will definetly keep you in mine.
I dont know whats happening I keep waking up from my sleep thinking about what has happened. I feel really scared I did not realise the enormity of my sin with him until now. Please do dua to Allah that He forgives me and that this man also repents and returns to me as my husband, because I need him to comfort me and tell me that I was not just an object for him. I'm feeling scared and very restless. I keep thinking about what I have done and about Allahs anger and my grave. I will be alone in my grave, and I will have to answer to Allah about what I have done..oh please pray for me, I'm feeling really scared. I feel awfulm and it is a result of my own mistakes and weaknesses.
Sister you do not need this guy to comfort you. I pray that Allah swt forgives you, saves you from punishment and gives you whats best for you. Dont hold onto false hopes or realities. Hang in there dear sis!
Guys, I really need some advice. I am trying to keep happy and live my life as normal but its not easy. I really miss and still love this guy. I have other decent guys interested in marrying me, but my heart is elsewhere, I really really don;t want to marry anyone but him. I know that calling him will hurt me, because he has moved on and even if he speaks to me I don't want to come across as needy. My mum is well aware that I have not forgotten this guy, and she keepssupporting me to help get over him but it breaks her and really hurts her when she see's me in a state - sometimes it is just too hard to hide my emotions andI show that I am still hurting. My mum has advised me to move on and give someone else a chance. She is right in saying that whatever happens, happens for the best and we should turn to Allah swt and trust Him unconditionally to help us. I obviously cannot speak to her about all the details of what went on between us, but she told me today that I should turn to Allah and think of Allah swt instead of wasting my time thinking of this guy, because it was not meant to be. If it was meant to happen it would have happened regardless of any mistakes that me or him made.
I know that predestiny has an important part to play in our lives, I wondered if the person we are supposed to marry is already predestined for us, or if I should keep praying for this guy to return with full sincerity? I keep making dua that Allah brings him back to me, or compeltely removes any love for him from my heart and brings to me the person I should be marrying, but his thougths will not leave me.
I sometimes see his sister in laws and how well his brothers are treating them, they are so happy mashallah and I feel quite envious because everyting has worked out so perfectly for them. I know Allah knows best, but I just really wish that I too was marrying the guy of my choice, whom I loved.
Also, I wonder whether I should ask my mum to call his mum and perhaps talk about reconciling us..but I don;t want to put my mum in a position that will be degrading and embarassing for her.
I sound so pathetic and I know my problem is so insignificant compared to the issues faced by others but I just dont feel like giving up, and I certianly dont feel like marrying anyone else - which is frustrating me. I feel so insecure and isolated.
Sister HelplessSad,
It is normal to want him back. It is normal to feel like you want to reconcile. It is normal to feel the urge to contact him. It is normal to pray that he comes back to you.
It is NOT HEALTHY to act on any of these things.
You should try this: Give yourself a set period of time, say 3 weeks. In those three weeks, you will pray ardently that he comes back to you and things work out for the best. Pray extra nafl, wake up for tahajjud, fast a few days, make a prayer list with everything you want and ask Allah SWT day and night from the bottom of your heart. At the end of those 3 weeks, you will stop praying, let go, and stop wondering "what if" because you will know in your heart that you have truly left it in Allah's hands. At the end of those 3 weeks, your past will be finished and you must focus on the future.
This may help you move on. If he comes back due to your prayers, great. If not, you know you tried your best.
Sister, at the end of those 3 weeks, you cannot keep praying for him. Praying for someone to come back to you keeps an emotional bond alive, it keeps love alive in your heart. That is not good for you, because it keeps you stuck in the past, rather than in the future.
Please, take it from someone who has been where you are (emotionally, that is; I never committed zina).
One last thing, and I am not trying to be patronizing here at all. You are 25 years old. Really sister, you are 5 years outside of your teenage years. Your adult life lies ahead of you. Stop focusing on someone you met when you were 18 years old. You developped an adolescent attachment. Open your heart to the possibility that someday you may find "adult" love.
Maryam
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
AOA, I have been checking the site and feel so grateful for your advice sister maryam. I met this guy when I was 23 and not 18? We are both adults, him more so than me as he is now 32 years old, 30 when he met me. I have tried everyting under the sun to try and forget him and help me heal. I have refrained from contacting him etc, but one thing I cannot stop is having vivid dreams of him and his family and loving him, it is unhealthy because it has been one year and a half since he left me and I am still unable to forget him and it is effecting my life significantly. I think it is mainly due to the fact that we did have a physcial relationship and I feel too violated to let it all go, I feel like he is laughing at me and thinking how easy I was, and he has now got the upper hand and is superior. Recently, I have started realsing how big of a sin we committed, and I feel like I was nothing but a piece of meat for him. But I cannot simply hate him and blame him for everything because it was also him that made a HUGE effort and practically begged me to marry him. Its just all so complicated. We have both made a mistake, him moreso than me, but if we both truly repent to our Lord and come back together we can lead a wonderful life together. Unfortunately, I feel if I try hard enough I can possibly heal but I just don't want to live my life with anyone else no matter how good or happy they make me feel. My life in general is going on as normal - no one has any idea what is going on inside of me but when it comes to thinking about marriage to someone other than him I panic, I feel anxious, I move away, I argue with my parents, I cry. It just doesn't feel right, I don't feel in control of my life anymore and I am numb, I really don't know what is going on. It is not in my nature to dwell over something for this long, it really isn't. It is suffocating and just doesn't feel right. I dont want to give up, but sometimes I feel that if life was to end I could perhaps have some peace...but then I start feeling scared of the grave and punishment, and it makes me scared. I have also had repetitive dreams of snakes, and nothing makes sense. I have spoken about all of this with this guy, told him how scared I am and how if we were to repent sincerly and come back to Allah we could both lead each other to the right path. He knows EXACTLY what I am going through and how hard it is for me because of the zina that we have committed but he still expresses his anger at me for even thinking about reconciling andnow just plain ignores me, becaus ethe simple fact is that his heart has moved on, he has moved on and does not want to be burdend with my problems, which he has helped to create as well as me.
I will try your advice above as it will at least bring me closer to my Lord.
Please, stop analyzing everything that happened and is happening. It has been a year, you have given yourself enough time to overanalyze. Like I said - you can pray for him for X number of weeks, and then stop, but DO NOT allow yourself to keep dissecting everything that happened, or your feelings, or the what-ifs.
You've had enough time to do that.
Maryam
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
It does come across that way but I wasnt overanalysing but was just trying to give some insight to the situation. Still hurting. Will try your method and inshallah it will be of benefit. I am already feeling hopeful alhamdulillah.
Sister Maryam I actually really like your advice, and I am going to try it as soon as I can. I will keep you updated on my progress. Please keep mentioning me in your duas.
I am feeling really down today, need some kind of support. I really miss him an dI really don;t want to marry anyone else. He does not care about me, and I do not think I can ever marry anyone else and that makes me feel even more anxious. I really don't want to live my life alone or marry someone becasue I have to and live a life of misery. This is so hard. It has been a long time and I am still not over it, and I don;t think I ever will be.
Is there any way we can be in touch sister? Maybe we could help each other through this.. Because I'm feeling the exact same way..
Sister,
It is time that you stop wanting something that cannot and will not be yours. Look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman looking back at you! Stop crying your tears for a man who does not want you nor deserves you at this point. Stop spending your days in miserable silence. This man has moved on and so should you!
You don't know that you won't be happy with someone else because you are not willing to give it a try. There are many Muslim brothers out there who are looking for someone to spend their life with. How can any of them find you when you are so wrapped up in the past?
The longer you hang on, the harder it is for you to let go. If at all humanly possible, try to find some counseling. Someone who can help you see yourself in a light which you do not see...someone who can help you move on and forward with your life so you can be happy. You deserve to be happy you know?!
In life, we all make mistakes...no one is infallible. Take this experience and learn from it. This man has made a mess out of you and you have let him. Let go. Move on. Get help. Be happy and enjoy the life that you have been given. Do not waste another moment on this guy, he isn't worth it. I wish that you could see that.
May Allah give you the strength to let go and move on with your life...amin.
Allah says: “And those who, when they commit an indecency or do injustice to their souls, remember Allah and ask forgiveness for their sins – and who forgives sins but Allah – and (who) do not knowingly persist in what they have done. For such the reward is forgiveness from their Lord, and Gardens with rivers flowing underneath – an eternal dwelling. How excellent a recompense for those who work (and strive)!” [Sûrah Al `Imrân: 135-136]
the person should be aware that just because he has resolved himself to stay away from sin – this does not mean that Satan is going to give up on him. He should not expect that everything is going to be smooth sailing from then on.
Satan and his minions form both men and jinn do everything they can to encourage us to fall into sin. This is Satan’s purpose ever since Allah expelled Satan from His grace. Satan wants nothing other than to lead Adam’s descendants astray. He will even try to lead us astray on the very straight path we are striving to follow.
Allah tells us: “He said: Now, because You have sent me astray, verily I shall lurk in ambush for them on Your straight path. Then I shall come upon them from before them and from behind them and from their right hands and from their left hands, and You will not find most of them grateful.” [Sûrah al-A`râf: 16-17]
This post is now closed. Thanks to all those who gave good advice, may Allah reward you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor