Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is there any way I can emotionally force my boyfriend to come back to me?

Aslaamalakum i was been going out with my boyfriend for about a year. i broke up my engagment to be with this guy becouse the guy i was engaged to was not rite for me as i couldnt break it off as i thought i couldnt now and when i met the new guy he was perfect. ideal guy any girl could take home, he was caring and loved me and would do anything for me.

obsessed love

'Love yourself first, then everything else falls into line' - Lucille Ball

He promised me he would marry me and look after me as long as i left the guy i was engaged to. I did it coz i trusted him. With all my fault as time went along things started changing and things were going bad. I got pregnant from him and I got rid of it coz at that time I was too scared to keep it as things were not right at home or with the guy.

I broke up my engagment too. I was young and stupid. I didnt realise till now how bad it is to kill a baby or to commit adultery. I feel so ashamed I have been asking for forgivness too so we decide after that not to do it again and to wait till we got married. At that time the abortion did not hit me until now, now my boyfriend does not want to marry me coz he says hes going on the rite path by reading namaz and keeping his family happy am I a pakistani and he is bangali. To them it is a big thing to marry a pakistani person do not know why.

My family know now that I met someone else and he is decent to the one I was engaged to. Everyone knew as he used to pick me up. My neighbours and cousins know now he dont wana marry me as he thinks its wrong to marry me and he dont wana upset his family and he saying he dont wana get married to anyone. He just wants to pray and keep his family happy, i dont understand how he can do that.

I have done so much to get him back. I have also told his family which theyr saying they cant force him to marry me and which they are kind of glad he didnt want to coz they would get a bad name if he got married out the cast. His sister dont even like me to which i know theyre all pushed him away from me. But his family are scared thinking things might get messy.

I havent told any of my famiy whats happened or hes left me. I cant do it.  Am totally messed up; he has messed me up. I can't concentrate. I have stopped working coz I can't. Everything gotten to me and things have gone so bad now i really need him in my life. Whether I stay happy or not am not bothered, I need him to keep him going. I wana know if theres any way i can emotionally force him or him to come back to me, or emotionally force his family. I know he would listen to his parents but his weakness is his parents and now he is being so stubborn and he dont care what am going through.

I feel I can't be with no guy as I have gone through so much with him especailly the abortion. I really need to get him back.

- mobeenm

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12 Responses »

  1. "Whether I stay happy or not am not bothered, I need him to keep going"

    You are being melodramatic. I know what it feels like to think you can't live without someone in your life. It is a devastating feeling. But, it is not true. You do not need him to "keep going."

    I think you should cut your losses and start FRESH in life. It sounds like you are quite young (under age 25?). Accept that your relationships with these two men are over, that you made mistakes, and now spend time making peace with Allah SWT and with yourself. Focus on your career and making new friends. Spend time with your parents.

    When you are more at peace and closer to God, then turn your mind to finding a life partner. At this time, you need to focus on your inner self, so that when a good husband comes across your path, you will be emotionally and spiritually ready to embrace him.

    Good luck.

  2. salaam,

    i think the previous comment was a little harsh... it's quite clear you've suffered a lot and are going through emotional trauma so maybe everyone should bear that in mind before responding to situations like these.
    however that is not to say i don't agree with what precious star has said, rather care should be given to how we phrase things especially to ensure we don't further push people into their depression and desperation, and try to guide them back onto the straight path.

    to start off i'm really glad to see that you have acknowledged and owned up to your sins and are trying to rectify your mistakes and be a better person. i am sorry to hear of the heartbreak and suffering that you have had to deal with, but realise that you are not alone and that Allah is always there listening and wanting to help just need to put Him first.

    you say that you need him in your life...i know you won't believe me or hear me out initially when i say this but this is just your depression and sadness and longing talking. you don't "need" anyone but Allah, you don't need anyone to make you happy or complete you - you are complete and whole all by yourself, and other people are in our lives by the mercy and blessings of Allah, they are blessings who make our lives more content and satisfying. but you must realise that no one "completes" you and no one is your "other half" your happiness depends on you alone, only you are capable of making yourself happy, no one is in this world to come into your life with the sole purpose of making you happy.
    this is why your relationship with Allah is so important. you need to find Him and know Him and purify your heart by praying and seeking Him before you truly feel content and happier.

    as precious star said right now you need to focus on yourself and your relationship with Allah, as hard as it is to let go of this guy believe me in the long run the sooner you try to move on the better it will be. if he is in your destiny then nothing you or he or his family can do will keep you apart. if Allah wills it, you and him will happen. feel safe and content in the knowledge that Allah knows what taqdir holds for you, worrying profusely is a sign of a weak heart and weak muslims we should all strive to strengthen our hearts and faith and bond with Allah and learn that if we truly trust Him, then we really wouldn't worry.... our paths have been paved, Allah has it all under control, why worry?

    in the meantime just make dua. Allah answers all our duas in one way or the other, even if we don't realise it or see it, even if He doesn't give to us exactly what we want He answers our prayers. Allah does not like to see our hands come back emptyhanded when we reach out to Him, He feels shy to not answer us when we're pleading and begging Him. Allah is so merciful and loving and kind that He does not like to see us down and depressed.

    everything you suffer and go through is a test and trial from Allah, once you change your perception a little you will honestly see life so differently. i was once like you were too and went through similar hardships, but now i realise that if i am suffering it's due to my own sins, and Allah is trying to rid me of my sins and elevate me in rank for when we are to meet Him inshallah. Allah puts us through trials in this dunya so that when we meet Him we meet Him sinless.. and it's better to be punished for your sins in this dunya than it is in the akhira. otherwise when we're suffering trials like i said even that is beneficial for us because it's only raising us in the eyes of Allah. so you see everything that happens to us is actually for our benefit at the end of it subhanallah.

    i implore you to take the time out to really calm yourself down. don't run away from your feelings of anguish and sadness, rather acknowledge your feelings but then realise that things will turn around and get better inshallah. i know it's hard. start to pray and reach out to Allah for He is the only one that will never ever turn you away...He is the only one who will always listen to you no matter what, the only one who really truly understands. start off by turning your own life around, being happy within yourself, finding Allah and strengthening this beautiful relationship you're so blessed to have.

    don't give up because things will get better. don't give up because Allah doesn't want you to give up, He wants you to come closer to Him so that He may help you.

    you're in my duas and i pray that things do get better for you. i really understand and sympathise with how you're feeling. let this man go and leave this situation with dignity. if you try emotionally blackmailing him or his family it will only push him further away. i know right now it seems that if you cut contact that he'll just disappear forever, whereas if you're blackmailing him at least he's in your life, but trust me you're just pushing him away right now. back off, work on yourself, make dua, and inshallah he'll come back... but this is your life it's a precious gift from Allah, don't waste it on being depressed over him.

  3. Assalaamu alaikum sister,

    I agree with what preciousstar has said. Basically that was the reality in a nutshell for you.

    Sister why do you want to force someone to be with you? Where is your sense of 'pride'? If he has the heart to leave u after making you pregnant, then to be honest, whether you believe it now or not, it would be a blessing that he gets out of your life.

    The problem seems to be that your in love and when ones in love, one becomes 'blind.' As much as we like to think no its different with "me" ..its not. You claim you cannot go on without him. You most certainly can..because the man I once thought I couldnt live without and felt for the way you do for this man, I am now divorced from him ( and happy). Now looking back, I cant believe I thought I couldnt be without him..Now I cant think of being WITH him!

    Time and patience teaches us alot in life...and listen to the advice of elders. It is better you leave him now and start life afresh than to be divorced later on. Prevention is better than cure...learn from the mistake of others and prevent it from happening in your life.

    Remember that the ONLY one we cannot be without is Allah. For a Muslim, their Imaan is what keeps them going..wealth, love, family, grief, happiness, anything, you name it! It all comes and goes..but what stays and keeps us ticking is our belief in Tawheed and knowing that this is not there is another world thats lasting unlike this one.

    Stop 'doing so much to get him back'...It's not worth the effort. Instead focus and divert all your attention and effort towards strenghtening your relationship with Allah s.w.t who has blessed you by making you realise your mistakes from the past so that you can turn towards him :).

    May Allah swt help you during this difficult time, ameen.

  4. hkh24
    Masha Allah What an advise. may Allah gives you more and more knowledge.
    sister plz follow he/her advise and i will too.

    • i'm so glad that you find it helpful. i too am trying to take my own advice 🙂 may Allah make it easy for you and help you in all your affairs. ameen

  5. Maybe I can be of help to you if you can reach out to me, I know of a similar situation and solution. where do you live btw?

  6. Salam sister,
    I am so sorry to read about your tragic situation. Unfortunately, this issue has become so common in our world today. Sister, I can sense that you are in a lot of pain and also do feel a lot of regret for your actions. That tells me you still have fear and fatih in Allah SBT. Ask him for sincere forgiveness for what you have done is truly displeasing in Allah's eyes. However, do not despair as His mercy is great. He is the divine and the forgiver of all sins.
    Sister, it is good to know that alhumdulillah this guy has starting offering salah and walking on the straight path. However, at the same time his reason for rejecting you is not quite valid in my eyes. Islamically, choosing a person from another culture is not wrong, as long as the person is Muslim. Unfortunately, many cultures today claim elsewise. From an islamic stand point his reason for rejection is baseless. He has gone through so much with you but now when it's time to take a stand and commit, he's coming up with these excuses? I also agree that if you both persisted with this relation, it would be considered haram but he could have reached out for your hand through proper channels (i.e. family, etc). Now you claim that his family will not agree. Sister, I want you to understand one thing: a person who is genuine and loves you will go through any means to achieve you. His and his parent's reason for rejecting you is baseless. Just because you are from a different culture? I may be sounding harsh but I feel a lot of anger for both males and females who play mind games, use others and then put up the "family honour" act. Everyone knows beforehand how their family operates and i'm sure he know from before how his family thinks. He should have never gotten into this relationship. Sister, I say this is a blessing in disguise for you. You can now see the real him. Everything is perfect and flowery when in a relationship but when it comes to commitment and marriage, that's when the going gets tough and this guy showed his true colours then. In addition, his sisters do not seem very fond of you so I say be happy that you didnt enter his family. Let's assume hypothetically that you do marry him, under these circumstances I do not think you would have been very happy with him as his family has major problems accepting you. Sister, a big part of being a Muslim is believing that whatever Allah does is for our best. I know right now you may feel the world is falling apart as you have had to undergo so much but trust me there is some good in this that you may not be able to see right now, but will see in the future years. Just have faith in Allah and be strong!

  7. Wow.. everything above that helping sister has said i have just exactly thought myslf and questioned it.. i am in a similar situation and for anyone to start talking about family and deen after what they have done is just baffling.. they were aware of their family and deen before entering anything haram. May Allah have mercy on us all and i hope Allah has alleviated all problems above

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