Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t carry on in this loveless marriage

Fed up of loveless marriage


I need some guidance.  I was a orphan child and my aunty brought me up and at the age of 16 she wanted me to marry her brother's son. I wasn't happy about it and she emotionally blackmailed me and took me to Pakistan .When we arrived in Pakistan I saw him and he made me cringe but I still had to go ahead as my aunty didn't want to know...she stared the cursing and I gave in . As soon as I got married after a few days my husband gave me such a hard time not speaking to me for days on end and constantly playing sad Hindi songs. During this time we slept together a few times and I never felt anything for him I didn't even want him to kiss me . But I still never made him realise this, and I became pregnant with my first child.

I was left in Pakistan for 12 months as my aunty made sure that his visa was sorted.  I remember praying day and night that when I go to the Visa office I would tell them of the mental abuse he has given me but I couldn't do it , not because I loved him, because  I was scared of him. I had my first child in the UK and he got his Visa and the mental abuse carried on:  he called me fat, short, I never did anything right. He says he would rather masturbate than come to me for his needs.

I know that I didn't like him from the start but he never made me feel special, being nasty to me all day and I sleep with him at night  at this point I pushed him away .What I question is that in the 17 years of marriage he has never told me I'm beautiful or I look nice or that he loves me!

Last year my friend just said to me that it seems like I have been a slave all these years & that made me think and I snapped I broke down emotionally and asked for a divorce . I also became very ill and nearly lost my life but Allah(swt) has given me another chance . We have two children, the  oldest is 17 and the youngest 10 . He is a good father and provides well for us. He drinks and he blames me, why do I get the blame I ask myself?

I don't know if he loves me but I don't love him and never have done , and I've only carried on for my family and of the fear of Allah and because divorce is haram.  All I do these days is pray and cry to my Lord that he helps me as I'm not strong.  I have done isthkara time after time and the signs are to leave. He keeps on bullying me to stay, but I can't -  I need to do something for myself for once. All I have done is been sad all my life.

Do Islamic rulings tell us to stay in loveless marriages? I'm becoming very depressed and I do think of committing suicide. I envision my self with a blade cutting my wrist and I'm worried I might do it if I don't see a way out.

Please pray for me.


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6 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu alaikum dear sister.
    I am sorry for the difficulties you have gone through as a result of your forced marriage. Pressuring or blackmailing anyone into marriage is completely haraam.

    I urge you dear sister not to even THINK about suicide. You may be in pain, but suicide would cause you much more pain in the hereafter. Trust in Allah swt. If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it dear sister. This will only make you stronger. So please be patient. Also remember your children dear sister. Dear sister, trials and difficulties remove some of your sins. Even just a thorn prick. Always remember this and remember that Allah swt loves you

    If you are praying this is really good alhumdulilah, especially istakhaarah. Dear sister, divorce is NOT haraam in any way. If you are unhappy then you can leave. I will not make this decision for you - this is your decision. But I just want to reassure you that praying, making dua and istakhaarah is the right thing to do.

    If you are this unhappy, leaving may be your best option. Marriage is supposed to be a loving, supporting partnership.
    May Allah swt give you strength dear sister. Please write in and let us know how you are, and please dont consider suicide. I am sorry I couldnt offer more practical advice, I feel your post was more to let off your feelings than for advice.
    We will all InshaAllah pray for your my dear sister.
    Sara Editor

    • Dear sister sara,

      I've logged on to the forum after a year . Last year at the time I was in s bad place mentally and I wasn't strong enough to leave despite the fact I had a house on rent to move in to , I became weak ... Due to his emotional blackmail . He promised me he would change but it never happend. We decided to go on ummrah , so that Allah (swt) help us .
      Nothing changed and I'm still struggling to cope as he won't let me leave ,I've become really weak now have no will power left in me to carry on,

  2. As salamu alaykum, my beloved s,

    Alhamdulillah, thank you for sharing, all my respect to you for opening your Heart the way you have done. To be able of sharing our weaknesses talks about our fortitudes, I can see how much you have fighted to survive all the struggles you have been through, you are a strong woman that needs an arm to hold on at this moment, please hold on my arm and get up, we will go through some steps together until you can walk by yourself in Allah´s Hands and be the woman you are called to be in this Life, insha´Allah.

    I truly can understand your suffering through all these years and the deep pain you are going through right now, but you have awaken from your nightmare to take your rights and to give the others their right, to divorce under the right circumstances is not haram, but I believe the first thing you have to do is to get stronger, insha´Allah.

    Watch your children, you deserve to see them growing up, getting married and have your grandchildren. I am sure you can imagine how nice it would be to have them in your arms, will get stronger, because you have hope, you have people to fight for in this life, you are important in this world and you make a difference in many peoples life, nobody will care of your children as you do, you will get better, you have to be firm and be able to stand on your feet to take the right decision, insha´Allah

    Right now, do your prayers, eat well (fresh fruit and vegetables, meat, fish, cereals, good quality of food will give you good quality of blood and this will make you stronger), walk at least 40´a day, breathing consciously, this will give you more oxygen to your blood and your thought will become clearer and sharper, and if you need proffessional help, you have the right to get it, insha´Allah.

    This are just little tips to improve your general condition, but the main condition is that you need to be here conscious to improve, thinking about your now, and that you need to get out of that darkness that is all around you.

    I am going to tell you something about your marriage, this may bother you, but you need to react and not being the victim any more, when you married, you did it against your will, you rejected your husband and never felt any kind of anything for him, think about it, don´t you think he felt the rejection instantly, you hurted him through your rejection, he has been hurting you to balance his suffering. The only thing; I would like you to do is to put yourself in your husband´s shoes since the moment he knew about you, you may get surprised, you deserved to be loved and he deserved to be loved too. It must be very hard too for him to be married to someone that has made so obvious that doesn´t love him, not even give a kiss is extremely painful, that is a profound pain in the heart,... when you are stronger, you should talk to try to be in Peace with him acknowledging his suffering too, insha´Allah.

    Take your time, get up and be straight with you and everyone around you. Bring yourself back to Life and to the Light, insha´Allah.

    Allah(swt) knows best.

    May Allah(swt) guide our steps to the Straight Path, ameen.

    All my Unconditional Respect, Love and Support,


    • Sallam Maria,
      Thanks for such a lovely detailed reply , your right about my husband he must feel the pain and I do acmowldge that , but it seems as if he wants to carry on regadless .

      Could you inbox me your email c

  3. its been very difficult senario where you born and brought up... especially your aunty what she has done is not up to the mark with out not consern your feelings.... u been with your husband for many years with out having any feelings ..... and now only the way u wants to make feel happy is to look after your children and about there future... because they knows you very well how you treat them ... when we dont have a change of love from what we expecting its good to give our love to who looks for love(children).... one day your husband gonna come back to you.. allah is all ways with you...

  4. If 17 years of living together could not change your husband....... he is not going to change. Accept the fact and move on if you can. you deserve love and respect too. you are human too. do u have education or a job to survive on your own?...if you leave him? these are the some v imp questions u need to answer before asking for any major change in your life, like getting divorce.
    I think the best thing to do is is consult with a family law, lawyer and get details about separation and divorce in your city. i am sure he will have to support you and his kids after 17 yrs of marriage. think wise and act smart, this is your time to do research about your options. good luck.

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