Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to make children offer salaah and remaining unmarried in Islam?

Muslim boy praying

As salam aliekum,
Please answer some questions I have.

1) How to make children offer salaah regularly?

Our's is a big family. I have my nieces and nephews around me all the time. Older grandchildren of my parents have already crossed their teens now. A few of them MashaAllah are blessed with inborn good qualities but, many are not. Most of them don't obey their elders  and don't offer namaz inspite of regular reminder by all the elders. A few older ones are fond of music and younger ones are mad of cartoon channels. As a child or even as a teenager I remember I never offered namaz regularly but Alhamdulillah Allah helped me realise the importance of offering namaz regularly, and that, it is fardh on every muslim. We elders at our home want the children of our family to outdo us in deen, imaan and good deeds and stand good and clean in front of Allah in the aaqirah. We have learnt from our mistakes and don't want them to make those mistakes but the children don't understand this.

It is so saddening that they have time for school, TV, music, sports and have not even little time for namaz or to open and recite the Qur'an. They misbehave. The younger ones can still be controlled as they are sent to madarsas or a molvi coming home to teach them recite Qur'an but the older ones are rebels. A few days back I saw my niece, who is now 20, downloading songs from the internet. It was time for asr and the time was already passing. I asked her to offer namaz and I myself went to offer. When I returned I still found her with the laptop. This time I asked her if she is clean and yes she was. I tried to close the flap of the laptop but she irritantly told "you go and offer if you want to, why are you troubling me?" I was hurt. It was for her good that I was telling. I know all things of entertainment must be  removed from the house but what else can we do to make them obey us? Bashing them is also going in vain.

Please suggest how should the parents and elders deal with them?

2) Can I choose to remain unmarried?

After everything that has happened in my life, and after reading so so so many posts about husbands' infidelity or betrayal, I am thinking of remaining unmarried. Although I always had a strong urge of getting married, bearing children and starting my family life, now I've started disliking the idea of getting married. Please advice.

As salam aliekum.


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5 Responses »

  1. wa `alaykumu s-salām Sister Sabr,

    Being a teenager myself I truly understand what your niece might have felt when you closed her laptop, well you see this type of kind act infuriates us, teens. So getting angry at them will make things only worse. You have to handle them with care, just telling them to offer Salaat is of no help unless you explain to them in great detail, the importance of offering Salaat, the significance of all the basic tenets of Islam. You could also show them religious DVDs that has been especially designed for Muslim kids. They are are quite influencing and interesting to watch coz they take the help of animation. But don't show them Taqreer, it willl hardly impress them, they are for the older teens..... And most importantly for to Allah for them, for showing them they straight way.


    • And most importantly pray to Allah for them, ask him to enlighten and show them the straight way.

    • MashaAllah wisekid - good response!
      And much less effort than the essay I wrote!

      "You have to handle them with care, just telling them to offer Salaat is of no help unless you explain to them in great detail, the importance of offering Salaat, the significance of all the basic tenets of Islam. "

      This is soo important! Explain this, answer their questions. Also when explaining to teens about haraam things to avoid of course explain why. Also mention what attracts people to the bad things and why its important to avoid them.

      E.g. Dont just say: you cant date. Show them Qur'an and hadiths, explain why e.g. STIs,heartbreak etc, and explain peer pressure. I remember when I was young around 12 and got my first crush and my mother found out - she didnt shout at me - she gave me a talk on how it's normal to like boys at your age but you shouldn't tell any one or act on it. She was and is Alhumdulilah very approachable, this is why I feel this is so important.

      Sara Editor

  2. Salaam sister Sabr.
    I will try my best to answer your questions or at least give my opinion on these issues InshaAllah. And Allah knows best.

    1) How to make children offer salaah regularly?
    This is very difficult to answer - as encouraging salat really does start from a very young age. The most important thing is for the elders to offer salat themselves. Young children learn from what they see around them. So if you are encouraging them to do salat and they dont see you doing it, they wont do it - or they will lose respect for it. So bashing them and forcing them is counter-productive. My mother had the same problem with my brother - he like so many teens (I had the same attitude) viewed Islam as a chore etc. She used to force him to pray - but it resulted in so many conflicts and other problems she stopped forcing him and hounding him etc. Their relationship improved Alhumdulilah and although he does not yet pray, he no longer dislikes islam - he enjoys going to juma'uh. What I am saying is the desire to pray should come from the person rather than be forced. With children of course you need to encourage more, but again do not force.

    This is just my opinion and is general.

    - Lead by example and encourage the other elders to do so. All do your salat, let the children see you living Islam in every way.

    - Work on yourself - improve your emaan and purify your intentions. Make the intention to encourage children to please Allah. If your intention is to please Allah, then He will help you InshaAllah.

    - All parents and adults should strive to teach children from a young age about Islam - and help them grow to love it. Avoid talking about Allahs punishment and hell with younger children. Focus on Jannat and rewards and incorparating islam into every day life, and pleasing Allah. Always remind them that Allah loves them and is always there for them.

    - Encourage children to learn by rewarding them when they do something good. Its easy to always shout when they are misbehaving, but overlook when they share with their sibling or so something nice. If you do this, it reinforces the idea that misbehaving gets attention but being good doesnt - so next time you see something good - notice it. Praise them. This goes for kids and teens - but of course do it subtely with teens so not to patronise them. Even just thanks for washing up etc.. Stickers and sweets work well for kids.

    - Try to ask them qs about islam and make them think. Again instill love for Allah and for Islam.

    - Remind them that you love them and be there for them. Especially important for a parents but even as relatives. Try to notice the good in them. Build a relationship with them so that they are able to come to you with their problems. If you can start building this from a young age - and InshaAllah when they are going through the terrible teens they should be able to approach you.

    - Be approachable. Help them with their problems - dont remind them of their mistakes. If they know you will beat them when they've made a mistake, do you think they will come to you? Isn't it better for them to, so you can nicely advise them. Punishment is important - but use it wisely. So many parents just don't connect with kids well enough so this is vital.

    - Remember that you have a duty to Allah to teach your kids- and to help the ummah including relatives, but there is only so much you can do. Do your duty for Allah swt and trust in Him. Leave the rest to Him.

    - Make practicing Islam fun or enjoyable. For young kids this is easier - eid parties,rewards, pray with your kids if you can etc. For teens try not to make things routine - maybe offer to allow her to have some friends over and do a small halaka with a food party afterwards. Try to link halal fun things with islamic things if you get what I mean.

    - Make dua for Allah to put light in their hearts - always make this dua.

    - Remember what it felt like to be a teen - its confusing and weird. You couldnt pay me to be a teen again, so try not to be too hard on them. If they mess up. let them know your dissappointed etc, but give them a chance to make amends. They cannot see things through your eyes and vice versa.

    - Do fun stuff with them - try to take an interest in their hobbies if they are halal.

    - Dont make life difficult for them.

    - Do remind them - at the right times of the benefits of salat.

    All of this should help stop them from feeling trapped InshaAllah. The most important is to help change attitudes so they view salat as something beneficial and good, rather than a chore. There are no set rules as to how to do this. Remember Prophet Nuh AS son was not of those in Jannat. Try not to worry too much and just keep praying for them.

    2) Can I choose to remain unmarried?

    I do not know what happened, but may Allah swt give you strength and reward you for the difficulties you have faced. When I first started visiting this site, I also began to dislike the idea of marriage. There seemed to be so many complications. Its a side effect -lol. But after some time it faded.

    We should not base marriage experiences on what we find on this site. I realised that after some time Alhumdulilah. What we should realise is that the people who post on this site are in need of help. So this attracts those people with marriage problems and other problems. Those people who are happily married are unlikely to post on here and say Alhumdulilah I am happy, as that is not the purpose of the site. So this is not an accurate representation. Likewise if you went to a marriage beaureua they probably have countless stories of happy marriages and beautiful reunions. There is a facebook page dedicated to muslim marriages and thousands have written in praising their spouses and marriages. So do not let others bad experiences sour you - for every bad marriage, there are good ones.

    And in marriage there are always problems. But in this life there are problems too. We cannot avoid them - and we cannot live life avoiding things for fear that they will cause problems. We must trust in Allah and know that nothing happens without His will. And if Allah gives you a blessing or a trial - there will be some good in it for you.

    Which brings me to main point -
    I dont know if its haraam to do that. But marriage is a sunnah - its half our deen, why lose out on this blessing? Having children washes you of sins. Ask Allah to give you the best spouse at the best time - and live your life and InshaAllah He will give you the person who is best for you.

    I apologise for the essay
    Sara EdItor

  3. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    Answer 1)

    Instruct the children about the Qu'ran and make them aware of it's narratives, Insha Allah, it is a healing and a mercy for people of all ages, genders and races.

    Make them aware of aakhirah, Insha Allah, they will pay heed. But reading Qur'an with meanings is very important.

    Also, you may like to read responses here:

    Answer 2)

    Would you stop eating mangoes if the mango you picked up from a box of mangoes turned out to be rotten from inside? Would you?

    Would you throw away the whole box of mangoes, because a few of them are rotten from inside?

    You wouldn't. 🙂 If you don't like mangoes I am sorry, you may think of any other fruit you like.

    The answer is we won't throw away the whole box, we would see which ones are good and we would throw away the rotten ones.

    Any wise person would do that. Only a fool would throw away even the good what Allah had kept preserved from being rotten.

    So there are all types of men, good and bad, honest and dishonest, you have to leave the rotten mango, if not throw it away 🙂 and pick of the remaining mangoes any other which you think is fresh and good.

    Of course, mangoes in the box would be finished, but Allah has no shortage of good men and He will give of His bounty to whom He wills and the bounty of Allah can never be walled up.

    So don't worry too much about it. Pray to Allah and relax.

    Allah reveals a prayer for you in Surah Furqaan, would you like to read it?

    74. And who say: Our Lord! Vouchsafe us comfort of our wives and of our offspring, and make us patterns for (all) those who ward off (evil).
    75. They will be awarded the high place forasmuch as they were steadfast, and they will meet therein with welcome and the word of peace,
    76. Abiding there for ever. Happy is it as abode and station!

    Your brother.

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