I am lost; should I marry him despite he cheated on me in the past?
Salam.
Hope u beautiful poeple are in good health and in the best of iman iA.
i have been reading this forum for quite some time now and i must say it has some wonderful responses to questions. however, i have been a bit reluctant to write about a problem i have myself but now i am so here goes..
for a couple of years i was with a guy. i came to like him n eventually love him as i got to know him more, or so i thought i did. my family found out and i didnt know how to react to this as one would either leave the relationship or atleast see it as a sign of some sort and maybe stop talking to that person etc.. unfortunately i failed to acknowlede anything n things became worse.
he lives far from me and in the first years of the relationship i didnt see him much and were in contact via mobile fones. he then moved closer to my hometown to study at a uni. in this time i got to see quite a lot of him and i thought i was happy and i loved my life. unfortunately it was only where things started to go downhill for me..
couple of months after living closer to me... i get a text saying 'i need space i love u' and after this he started to ignore me and text/call me less often. in this time i was also going through a death in the family so it was difficult for me to balance mentally and emotionally. anyway when i confronted him in person he lied n told me he was busy and wanted to be alone etc.. so i believed him but then i looked at his fone and found messages from another girl he had been seeing and other evidences that justified his cheating. after this i went off the rails.. i couldnt think straight or do anthing in my life.. most of the time i didnt even have the strength to get out of bed.. i had become deprerssed. and in this time i was in a really bad place and i could not enjoy anything in life. i cried a lot i was angry moody and became so unhappy. the worst thing of all was i didnt even turn to Allah for help.
i was still talking to him as i just couldnt let go.. this made the whole situation worse. and with even knowing this i couldn't stop talking/seeing him as i thought i missed him n couldnt not live without him. being with and without him made me really unhappy.
i did some things to really hurt n upset my family. and the sins i commited are unthinkable. at the time i had become selfish (to my family) and didnt even realise this.. with this, i think that the pain i put them through especially my parents, i got back myself from him? can this be true, Allah works in mysterious way (hope u can say that iA).
so after a year, having already dropped out of college and doing nothing but becoming more depressed , i thought i would go to abroad. by this time i was desperate to forget the hurt and pain. i wasnt trying to run away from my problems trust me as they haunted me 27/4 and wherever i went..
anyway i stayed there for couple of months to try n clear my head and think about my life and to forget him. this helped too a lot, but not completely.
when i returned home i had become a little stronger alhamdulillah, and was able to cope emotionally, but not so much mentally. i still thought about him everyday n felt unhappy so i contacted him again.
we are talking as friends n he tries to hint were still together, meaning he talks to me as though he wants to be with me and nothing happened. but i dont know if i can trust him n i have strated college n iA began my life n being good to family iA. but i dont know what to do about him, my instincts say just leave him.. that he can never love u and im reminded of the pain and all that i went through.. yet on the other hand, i think that i cannot live without him,. i think he wants to make it work but im thinking what if hes still with her? its a possibiliy and even thinking that kills me inside.
i want to move on in my life i want to make somthing of it, moreso for the sake of Allah and my family.. before i had lost the meaning and purpose of my life. i didnt understand myself and how to control my myslef/emotions etc.
Allah knows best whats to come in the future no doubt but i cant help thinking about it myself. i mean do i want to marry him? will we get married? will it work in the end and come that far. im scared my trust will rebuild. sometimes i used to think i know him sometimes i think i dont know him at all. im confused.
i have forgiven him for what he did, n now whatever he says to me i cant trust him. im scared he will take advantage of that trust again.
i think i do want to be with him but the proper way. iA i have started to pray n read the Quran daily iA. i am trying to make it up to my family by studying and being a good muslim iA.
sorry i have wrote so much to explain but i need advice. im still confused n sometimes i cant concentrate, i fear that i will end up back in square one if i continue talking to him.
i havent read salatul istikhara yet but am thinking about it. the voice that tells me to go from him, should i listen to it bcoz it cpould be from Allah. i need motivation in my life to carry on studying as i come from a well educated family alhamdullilah. for my age, as im still pretty young, i have become so unambitious and cant seem to stick to anything for long and i know my family wont give up on me, but theres only so much burden i can put on them. how do i make my parents n fam proud of me? i want to ask Allah for forgiveness for the major sins i commited.. how?
i think iA i have a connection with Allah iA but i want more, and i need to do more.. how? and how do i stop thinking about him? if i leave him, is that the best choice n like they say if u leave something and it comes back to u its urs etc...
i know deep down i love this person. after all he put me through i still forgave him and not once thought bad of him, just thought that no matter what happened he was a blessing to me. is that wrong to say even? anyway i think ive asked enough and im sorry for writing so much but i need advice desperately. Please help. thankyou for taking the time to read. im most grateful.
May Allah keep u all blessed and in the best of iman, away from shaitan and his evilness.. May he bless u with long happy lives, away from worries iA. Ameen
Muslim for life.
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Slmz after reading ur story I'd like to say that I was in the exact same position, I was living far away from my husband wen we were dating and didn't know who he used to speak to etc. After we got married on my honeymoon night his phone starts ringing it was his ex gf, when I questioned him abt it he said he doesn't know why she's still calling and stuff, ever since than iv been very stressed n always check on him n his phone only to find out 2 months later that he has another cellphone just to speak to this other girl and wen he comes home he leaves it under his seat of the car n brings the other phone home. When I found the other phone and messages from this girl he culdnt answer me as to why he was still speaking to her and he promised me that he will change and stop. It has happened again but because I love him so much I feel if I'm without him I won't be able to go on and even now wen I'm with him I cry every night because I dnt even knw if he loves me I'm on my nerves everyday wen his at work wondering if they still spk or meet. So all I'm trying to say is I don't think you shuld marry him because a leorpard neva changes its spots. And once a cheater always a cheater. I just pray to allah everyday that he can 1 day open my husbands eyes and make him stop all this and just love me because trust me it kills u inside when u can't trust ur husband n u worry every second what or we're his gng it eats u up inside slowly and that's what drives ppl to do stupid things. So if u can save urself do it. U had the courage to forget him for a while eventually u will meet someone who will be rite for u. Inshallah ameen
Asalamoalaikum sister,
I’m sorry to hear about your pain. I’m glad to know though that you’re doing better from before, alhumdulillah.
I want to show you two perspectives here.
What your heart thinks: It keeps saying to you that you cannot love anyone like him ever again, that what if you leave him and he’s actually changed, that you should forgive and forget because he still seems interested. In actuality, this isn’t your heart, this is shaitaan.
The matter of fact is, everyone can move on. People have been married, gotten divorced or their spouses have died, and they’ve moved on. Many people also have children tied into the equation. Many women write to this website because the man they love dumped them, used them, or couldn’t stand up for them in front his family. They also claim just like you that they won’t be able to forget him when in fact a year later when a few of them write back, alhumdulillah they seem as if they’re at a different place this time around.
You need to realize that these feelings will stay with you for some time but they will not reside with you forever. You chose to put yourself in a vulnerable state so of course there was going to be a chance that you would get hurt. Turns out you did. You now need to ask yourself why you are going to take that chance again when the probability is even higher that you’ll get hurt again. Is that a smart thing to do? Is that the right thing to do?
What your mind says: It keeps telling you to leave him. It tells you that practically this isn’t good for you, your duniya and your akhritat. You have had a rocky relationship with your family due to this relationship; you almost lost your education. Why on earth would you want to go into that rut again? Alhumdulillah you’re getting back on track with your life again, why let that all go to waste? And do you think your family this time around will give you another chance if you screw up and turns out this guy is still messing around? Why even take the risk? Just because you love someone does not mean you undermine your self-respect and act like a door-mat. You need to lay your foot down and tell yourself, enough. I am so much better than this. He clearly doesn’t deserve me and I don’t want to feed into his ego that I’m some weak girl in the corner he can run to once he’s tired with the other girl. The one who cannot realize your worth now, do you honestly think he’ll realize it once your married? What’s going to change so drastically that somehow he’ll become so loyal and committed to you? What gurantee do you have that he will even marry you? Men don’t work that way we do sister.
I know you know all of this but it’s hard for you to take this decision. However, you have to choose very wisely the best outcome for yourself. Would you rather be with this man, risk everything without a guarantee that he will never betray you again, or, would you rather experience some pain, move on with time, complete your education, see that your family is content with you and marry someone who will love you and is truly worth it?
In a nutshell, you can either choose to experience short term pain and one day be released from it, or, you can try to overcome this temporary pain by sealing the deal for long term pain with harsher consequences (where you may potentially loose your education and support from your family).
-Helping Sister
^Masha'Allah wonderful comments.
I would advise the OP to forget that man. DO NOT MARRY HIM. You deserve someone better. That man a cheater. That man is a cause for the sorrows and troubles you've been through. Love your family. Remain on the path of Allah and have patience. Allah will bless you big time.
And incase you're unaware, there is no girlfriend/boyfriend in Islam. Pre-marital relationship is basically forbbiden. Do not get back into it, it only brings disaster into ones life along with the obvious wrath of Allah. So FEAR ALLAH.
"And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty..." (24:31)
"And return [in repentance] to your Lord and submit to Him before the punishment comes upon you; then you will not be helped." (39:54)
Mas'Allah I totally agree with you and helping sister.
I believe the poster should forget this guy and concentrate on yourself and why would you want to be with someone who has CHEATED ON YOU, BETRAYED YOUR TRUST. He is not worth it Allah is please do not ever contact him it happens for a very good reason and I believe Allah showed you, Inshallah in time the pain will heal in time and you DESERVE someone better.
To my dear sister,
Believe it or not I was in a very similar position two months back I was totally in love with this guy or at least i thought this. I left this guy for a very important reason he was not muslim and I would never be able to change that , also my parents would never agree that I marry this guy cause he was from a dfferent religion and culture so overall it was a failing relationship , so aganist my heart and love for him I left him. What hurt the most was straight away he moved on to a different girl within a short period of time this truly killed me seeing him with this other girl but no matter what I didnt talk to him I didnt speak to him and kept my force strong I would cry myself to sleep cause I thought I would never be able to move on cause I was so hurt.
Now this relationship ended maybe 2 and half months back I can tell u that the first month was a living hell to the point that I was depressed but I forced myself to forgive him . The devil works in amazing ways he makes u remember the memories the love that u felt for this person that they were perfect for u etc U HAVE TO FIGHT THIS AND FORGET ABOUT HIM ! I can forgive everything but not a cheater okay a because he cheated at that moment in time he didnt care about u or ur feelings enough to respect u and went with another girl . If he loved u even 50% of the love u are showing to him then he would never do this, therefore ur love is a waste on him .
Love is an emoction just like pain just because u have felt pain before doesnt mean u wont feel it again same as love , infact I am not sure that what u are expriancing is even love . Teenagers often feel like they have fallen in love when infact they are just attracted to this person.
We are still young and have much to learn we can't say we have fallen in love based on one expirence esp to a guy that didnt feel the same back .
My sweet sister , I know this is hard believe me I know but really it gets better in time. Just cut this guy out of ur life for a while and u will see u will forget him . FOrce urself to forget him and defeat the devil in you . Leave ur true love to be for ur husband only sweetie 😉 I know it gets better
May Allah make ur path easy , and help you in this journey
Mini1689 <3
salam.
Why would you want to be with someone who has no consideration for your feelings??
you arent gonna feel the same way about him if you make up your mind and have AbSOLUTELY NO contact with him. NONE WHAT SO EVER.
Everyone here can give you good advice but it's up to YOU to act upon it.
i think you better get him out of ur life sooner than later.
Asalam Alaikum Sister,
I have to agree with Sister Mehnaaz on this one. Please move on. You are still young and have a chance at a more suitable partner. The voices you hear telling you that he is the right one, might be shaitaan telling you this because notice that in the absence of this man you have become religious. It isnt about a leopard and spots and cheaters always going to be cheaters, its the fact that this guy is not loyal. He left you high and dry for another girl and didnt even care that you went abroad. Trust me Sis, don't listen to shaitaan it probably is just a test. When he was around you were closer to sin. Just forget him.. I pray for you
AOA,
Sometimes we still ask questions when the answer's so obvious to ourselves. We just want someone to tell us what we wish to hear.
This type of love is not even real, it is born of false desire. As is the devil's purpose is to create false desire.
What does cheating involve? Dishonestly, fraudulence, deception, no respect and so on. The next step after marriage is kids. Count yourself blessed that you were privy to this evil behaviour before you made the mistake of marriage and then further still had kids. A cheat doesn't love their own kids either.
Any man or woman that cheats is evil and impure in mind, heart, body and soul, That may sound extreme but if you think about it, it's so disgusting that they are so riddled with lust and lack of fear of Allah, lack of respect for themselves and the amount of destruction this action causes.
Cheaters have no shame and respect no one. Respect is far more important than' love', for it is tied with trust.
There are many haram acts that in my opinion have varying degrees of evil. The act of zina is so destructive to everyone involved which is why it is a major sin. It is not just you who will be hurt. Think how your parents would feel that you allowed this slimeball to hurt you. If you had kids, how their world would be turned upside down.
His treatment of you would only get worse as he would think badly of you in his heart for taking him back anyway and just realise he is blocking your path to Allah.