Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is it right for me to dream about love for another guy in jannah?

heaven paradise

assalamu alaykum ,  I´m in need of advice I got married at a young age because I felt that was the only way I could find inner peace but later I found out my hubby is not who I thought he will be I just wanted a prince.... it was an arranged marriage he reads his salaah quraan respects and good to my family and his mom alhmdlh but in this two years only once he told me he loves me,  then I replied to do´nt lie you don´t show it in your actions,  you only got married to me for benefits and when you will love me I will tell you myself  that now you love me.

After that he has never spoken about love or showed it well even before that he never showed it,  it was hard for me at the beginning to accept all this what bad stuff he did and said to me when we fought but alhmlh now I have found peace in my heart and have let it go my dream of a lovely marriage now it´s simply be a good wife even if your not happy inshlh I´ll get my prince in jannah I have never refused to give him his right(sex) no matter how mad I was at him because I didn´t want Allah to be upset with me.

I regret marrying this guy a lot of times I don´t love him but I do need him physically sexually and financially so actually I now am married for benefits as well but it´s not what I wanted,  i wanted love but won´t get it so what else can i do? I dont wana divorce because it will ruin my reputation dreams and honour as I respect myself a lot I don´t wana marry again,  that was not part of my dreams having to sleep and show my body to two men ....

My husband married me for benefits I feel sorry for myself I would have really liked to marry man who would love me only unconditionally,  we live together,  get older together and well later eventually die but well alhmdlh I now know we were created to worship Allah and that a man is allowed to have four wives this is something I accept but I am to weak to bare but there is no use living on hope or dreams which will eventually never happen and obviously it hasn´t happen before so why would it happen later so I´ve been thinking to separate from my husband since we don´t love each other in anyway.  He married me for benefits and he keeps telling you are not what I wanted (my looks,my length,who I am,where I come from,my origin) so yah I feel sad but have accepted so I´ve been thinking a lot and wish to separate from my husband next year inshlh and give him permission to take other wives, on one condition,  he shouldn´t let me know about it, in fact,  once we separate I don´t want to be  part of his life don´t wana know where he is what his doing  i just don´t want it to be my bussiness I feel this man has chosen the wrong girl for himself and regrets it because like he said I am not what he wanted ok so now I have to deal with it with his mistake which was marrying me like my feelings just have to be bombed up ok ,is this ok?

Do I have to make istikhaarah for this? is it allowed to do this? I mean instead of hearing him all the time telling me while we are out or when we watch tv he says like wow now that´s beauty or she has a nice body or before we have sex he says I saw a beautiful women today that´s why I came to you to protect myself can I like make this real for him like give him the opportunity to actually marry such beautiful women with beautiful bodies? because obviously I don´t have that but inshlh in jannah i willicon smile %photoi mean im not special to him in anyway or his source of protection against zina I mean a lot of men have beautiful wives with beautiful bodies but still do zina so I mean to him I´m not that beautiful so why can´t he just go out there and find what he wants and stop making me feel ugly or bad because to me I´m pretty in fact a rare beauty who if not can be appreciated well would love to rather be thrown away .... I don´t have a valid excuse for a divorce so I don´t wana not enter jannah for a divorce I force without a valid reason so I will sacrifice all my feelings for jannah is this ok? Am I normal?

I don´t wana be alone .... I got a daughter now alhmdlh and somehow I´m happy but don´t care about my husband I feel like my marriage is nothing personal just bussiness.... am I normal? I was so soft now I´m so cold and hard that too was not part of my dreams it´s like my whole world has changed like from good to evil,  me and my husband are now at a good place whenever he shouts or insults because I don´t care or a give a damn I give him the benefit of the doubt I say yes your right you know don´t worry who knows I might die tomorrow and you will find better and I´ve spoken about separation not divorce and tell him don´t worry we can separate if you´re not happy and you can do as you like I keep silent most of the time and have decided to treat him like a stranger I´m suddenly nice to him now just for the pleasure of Allah when he comes home I cook and be all romantic he is satisfied with me sexually as I satisfy all his sexual fantasies ( halaal ones) I always look and smell good and my breath always smells good I smile and and make jokes yet I´ve made it clear to him I don´t love him so he knows I´m just being nice.... but there is no love here is it ok to live life without loving your partner? we always pray together and make each other laugh sexually we are 100% but still no love .... is it right for me to dream about love for another guy in jannah? Am I mentally stable?

I did not wish for this kind of marriage but what can I do?


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17 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Aleikum dear Sister,

    first of all , the definition of love has to be redefined. You mentioned the notion of a prince who you

    will meet in Jannah. Well, sister, the reunion between a man and a woman is something special,

    but not always easy. And a life without ups and downs would be certainly boring, dull and without

    real enjoyment for both sides. You have unrealistic expectations of a husband as a supernatural

    human being without flaws and he is in return being unsensitive. When two people give each other

    love, affection and great sex, it's usually a perfect relationship. Combined with an attempt to show

    good akhlagh and have dialogue with your spouse, it's probably everything we dream off. You both

    share the positive foundations of Islam, but you two are lacking the akhlagh and the necessary

    dialogue needed. It is normal that a husband sees a lot of visual attractions outside, especially during

    the summer time. He may accidentally look at the one or the other, but he is not supposed to tell his

    wife about it as this may hurt her feelings. He isn't supposed to value the bodies of other women in front of

    you. At the same time, don't say you don't love each other, whilst you fulfill each other's rights. That is like

    trying to repair a car which is actually the fastest of cars. It's fine, don't nitpick and have high expectations

    that destroy the whole thing. He is a man who sees a lot of haram things in public, but when he is with you,

    he is supposed to give you the feeling that you are the most beautiful woman in this world, because

    you are halaal for him and the others aren't. At the same time, you are not allowed to hurt him with your

    tongue, be rude or tell him that you don't love him, never wanted him, look for a prince in Jannah. Would

    you like him to tell you that he doesn't love you and is looking for Huris in Jannah?

    Sister, before you can even think of a prince in Jannah, you have to deserve Jannah and deserving Jannah

    means showing good akhlagh to your husband. Women have rights in Islam, but men, too and this shouldn't

    be neglected. Why do you want to day-dream about Jannah when you can have paradise on earth with

    your husband just by showing akhlagh? Mutually, of course. You need to improve the dialogue between

    the two of you. Rassul Allah said to men

    One hour of dialgoue with your spouse is worth more than one night of worship in my mosque in Medina.

    And then they talk about the rights of women and want to teach us. Incredible. So leave aside this

    ridiculous, childish,immature behaviour and behave like two adults. Stop day-dreaming. And

    deserve Jannah before you think of its benefits.

    Good luck for your relationshiop

    • Excellent advice

    • what kind of a reply is this brother? He keeps appreciating other women is front of her and you are advising her to be respectful and not wish for a man (IN THE HEREAFTER FOR GOD'S SAKE) who truly loves her? Brother us women are human beings too and if men can have hoors, a woman can wish for a man who truly loves her and is all fpr her as well

  2. Salams

    You said that

    My husband married me for benefits I feel sorry for myself I would have really liked to marry man who would love me only unconditionally, we live together, get older together and well later eventually die.

    Can you please tell me for what benefits your husband married you? You have said in your question that , he supports you financially ,emotionally and physically . Then why do you think he took advantage of you ?? I think it is the reverse case ...

    Second thing ... No love in this world in unconditional..... Only Allah's love towards it's creation is unconditional. We humans will never realize what unconditional love really is and we can't really give unconditional love . Your expectations are unrealistic

    I also couldn't find any evidence in your question which shows that this was a forced marriage . You knew about this guy and you married him .,,,

    Do you even realize how lucky you are . Go through this website . Look at the situations of women in marriages . Your situation is absolutely nothing compared to other women . Please be grateful to your husband and stop acting like a immature child . If you really are not happy in your marriage , then please divorce . I think , you are being selfish over here . You are still in this marriage for material benefits , If you really wanted to have a prince charming then you would have left this marriage long ago and would have tried to find the guy you wanted

    I´m in need of advice I got married at a young age because I felt that was the only way I could find inner peace but later I found out my hubby is not who I thought he will be I just wanted a prince.... it was an arranged marriage he reads his salaah quraan respects and good to my family and his mom alhmdlh but in this two years only once he told me he loves me, then I replied to do´nt lie you don´t show it in your actions, you only got married to me for benefits and when you will love me I will tell you myself that now you love me.

    Sister he treats your family nice , is a practicing muslim and fulfills your every right . What else do you need . Many women would die to have a husband like that .
    You need to go a search about male mentality . They don't say "I LOVE YOU " every time . You married at a fairly young age that's why I think you are having unrealistic expectations from your marriage just like in hollywood movies ....

    Lastly ... To achieve Jannah , you need to work hard . Do things wholeheartedly

    Remember prophet's hadith

  3. Salam,

    Sisters your advises are correct but you seem to forget the reason of why she is looking forward to something in the future?
    1. Her husband keeps looking around and is making her feel like she is not enough for him.
    2. She has a right to have hopes of a Good companion in the Jannah.
    3. He is making her feel insecure and jealous.

    When men tend to hurt us with the way they look at other women and what they think is beautiful? We women (because we are also human) we want someone else too.

    • Exactly thats what I'm saying! She is a human being too. This man is an ungrateful person no matter how pious he is. Who cares? A woman wants love and honestly any woman in her place would start to imagine another perfect prince for herself instead of this lame man. I'm surprised how patient she is for even putting up with the non sense he speaks to her about other women.
      He seems like an insecure person who loves to hurt his wife to make himself feel manly and good

  4. Assalamu alaykum Sister Nadira,

    You are Alhamdulillaah mentally strong and stable. Praise be to Allah.

    Regarding Jannah, do not think much of the guy in Jannah or girl in Jannah, safety from the Fire and contentment from Allah and more rewards are there for those who fear Allah. Life in Jannah is not evil life, nor lewd, it is Peace and all goodness and Allah will Insha Allah make us enter it and be in eternal peace.

    So just pray for entry in to Jannah and safety from fire and ask Allah to increase your ranks in aakhirah and ask Allah to guide you always in this life and help you. Insha Allah this would be better.

    Why all this sister?

    Your married life is for enjoying each other's support to fulfil the purpose of life. Allah says in the Qur'an spouses are "raiment" for each other.

    I am happy that you have adopted a calm approach to the situation expecting rewards from Allah in Jannah. Sister, being a wife one of your primary duties is to love your husband and his is to love you. If there are all benefits involved in this, you give each other taunts and remarks which are hurtful. This is not the way at all.

    You seem to be a good Muslim wife. Why you ruin your goodness by bad actions?

    You should remember a few points:
    - Earth is a place of toil and hard work.
    - Life is a test and you are facing a test every moment
    - Do not expect perfect pleasures and contentment on Earth, all this will be in Jannah and only in Jannah
    - Life on earth will have pain, hurt, happiness, laughter, good and bad, so keep Sabr and pass the test.

    I know you are aware of this, as from your posted question I can feel that.

    What is marriage in Islam?

    Marriage in Islam is a bond you enter by which your relation with a man is acceptable to Allah, you make a Allah a surety and claim rights over one another. The husband gets comfort in a wife and she seeks comfort in him. Both are "raiment" for each other, both have duties towards each other, husband has to look after the family financially, woman has to make sure she does the job of raising a family well with her husband’s help. We have to move on from generation to generation, teaching our kids about Islam, about this life, and aakhirah and giving them knowledge to live life as Allah wants and we have to do the same for ourselves. We have to utilize married life for this purpose.

    If there is love and affection and most importantly "peace" in the relationships in the family, this purpose can be achieved with ease. But in Islam, we have to work hard, because our rewards for hard work are waiting in Jannah. The more ease, the less rewards, the more the hard work, the more greater are the rewards waiting for us.

    So you see Allah has given some of us tough situations in life and to some others a bit easy, Allah knows best what to give to whom, but as this life is test, all these "unwanted" situations come as a part of the test where Allah tests your conduct and Insha Allah will reward you for it as He has promised in His Book. Insha Allah.

    So have patience, you already act like a lovely wife, now tell him you love him, get some gifts for him, you know well his likings, give this relationship a "big" try, and I know it is not big for you, because you already put in much efforts except it is made bitter by the tongue " i don't love you", now you just need to make less efforts than what you already do. Now remove the " don't " from it and make it " i love you". Make it unconditional, do not expect love in return, once you expect return and he does not keep up to the mark, you would be disappointed. So make it "uncondtional" love him and know that Allah is pleased with you as you are making an effort to save your marriage and doing the duty of a good wife.

    If he changes, Insha Allah, it would be good.

    If not, then tell him, you are saying for the final time, that you want to love him and you want him to love you and you want to make this marriage work and want to seek happiness out of it. Tell him: Would you like to help me in this? If he says yes, and works towards it, very good, Alhamduillah.

    If he says no and the burden is too heavy on you, and you think this marriage is a disturbing factor in your life and you think you are unable to achieve "peace" after repeated efforts and the purpose of your marriage is not fulfilled, and your are unable to keep your Deen and Dunya in a balance and you think without this marriage your life would be better than after some deep thinking, you may seek a divorce as final step.

    Marriage with the person you like/choose - if he is good Alhamdulillaah/ if not good - you make efforts for peace and try to work out and they fail - seek a divorce - marry another person Allah sends your way - if he is good Alhamdulillaah/ if not good - you make efforts for peace and try to work out and they fail - seek a divorce - and repeat the cycle until you find the right person.

    And remember, you may know the person after marriage only then begin to be intimate with the person. This is Islam, this is the beauty of Islam. Here Allah is the Goal of each Muslim, if marriage helps in achieving the Goal, Alhamdulillaah, if it fails, seek another, Allah will give each one of His abundance.

    Islam does not have anything like " I am stuck", there are always ways out of troubles. We need to trust Allah and come out from ignorance and spend a few hours of our life with the Qur'an and know what Allah has revealed for us and how we can find solutions to our life problems for His revelations.

    Answers to all our problems are in the Qur'an. My long advice seem to me like a "crap" when I read the Qur'an. What I try to explain here by long and lengthy posts, is there in the Qur'an as Allah revelation in the most beautiful choice of words and language.

    Make it a habit to read translations of the Qur'an. Insha Allah, it will help you see a way ahead.

    I hope the advice is helpful to you and I answered your question to your satisfaction.

    Your brother,

  5. Nadira,
    Sweetie, you got married young and you have a lot to learn. You need to take it easy. You are so wound up in your own thought process that you are probably not being objective about the whole marriage.
    I understand that how you would feel down and unappreciated by your husband's condescending comments. But the trick here is not to play victim but becoming more assertive about taking care of yourself. For now, instead of thinking so much about how you and your husband don’t love each other, start thinking about how you can better take care of yourself physically and emotionally. I think you started off this marriage on very high expectations and as the reality is taking its course, you are getting bogged down.
    Men and women come in all shapes and forms. Some are kinder and nicer, and some not so much. If you ended up with someone who is not the epiphany of kindness, that’s not that unusual. Work on developing realistic expectations of yourself and him. You may choose separate from him if you want to, but that won’t relieve you of your mental stress. You have a child with him and you would always be connected to him one way or another.
    Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, and focusing on how he only wants on thing from you, expand your thinking about works of Allah SW, His names and life of RasoulAllah SWS.
    Once you gain a self esteem and self acceptance, you can develop a better perspective on this issue. Then whatever you decide would be coming from a healthier mindset.

  6. assalamu alaykum thank you all for your advice THANK YOU brother MUNIB..... its true i should focus on myself im young and weak that is my only problem but inshlh in time with patience ill leave behind all my desires.... SISTER JANNAH THANX @ SOUL no it was not a forced marriage .....the first week i asked divorce he refused i said ok thought he would change but after two years and i have a kid well i feel trapped emotionally..... the benefits are papers so that he may stay in my country coz bussiness is good here its hard for me as a muslim to know im being used its like slow poison but i guess this is the test of Allah if he wanted to give me a loving husband he would just like he gave to many women out there but this is what he wanted for me all i have is dua and hope for peace in jannah ..... i cant compare my situation to others yes i make shukr its not that bad but it is just as painful YES UMMI SALMA YOUR RIGHT thats why ive chosen to stay with him whatever pain he causes me in the future will be the will of Allah and a test im not going to fight taqdeer i wont deny it im weAK.

    • Waleykum Assalaam Sister Nadia,

      May Allah help you and bring happiness in your life from this painful situation.

      Sister, please read my advice again, one or two times, please pay heed to what I wrote and please, please sister put those words I wrote in to action.

      Please read the Qur'an a lot and do as I told you, Insha Allah, good things will come your way.

      Please sister, for your good I tell you, please try to put my advice in to action. Insha Allah it will help.

      And if you need to talk any further Insha Allah we are here for you, your brothers and sisters, at this place for you, any time, Insha Allah.

      Keep updating on your situation and Insha Allah do not forget us.

      Your brother,

      * * *
      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  7. Assalmu Alikum Warhamthallahi Wrbkathuhu,

    I strongry think its best not live seperately with your husband. My dear sister, what kind of marriage is this?
    Its definetely not normal. You do state that it was arranged marriage, so did you really know the brother before you married him? did u ask the relevant questions? did you marry him for his deen?
    my dear sister, if he was a poius brother with high imaan and taqwa, he would not say the awful things he's telling you now. He would fear Alalh(swt) the most and would lower his gaze when he sees another woman.

    Mentally, you're very strong my dear sister. Nobody in this world will want to have a marriage like this. All of us, even i, dream of a marraige with love, happiness but in your marriage none of this exists? why?
    First of all, i think your expectations were too high. You asked for a prince, and you had these thoughts in your minds. And when you realised that your hubby was not as romantic, as loving, as appreciative, you thought why shall i try to make this marriage work? You said that he told you that he loves you once, and you replied you dont show it in your actions!! This is a grave mistake sister.
    Not all men express their love openly to their wife, but they do these small things to express it. Like buying you food, clothes etc.

    Sister, you just cant assume that when you're married, things will work out perfectly. If you dont put any effort into it, its not going anywhere. My dear sister, let me ask you something, do you love him?
    Is there any moment that you spent together that made you happy in someway? sister, he cannot read minds, let him know whats in your mind.

    And as with regards to issue of jannah, this world is gateway to jannah. Do as many deeds to get into Jannah first. Sister, im sure that you're aware that marriage is half of our deen. My dear sister, what happened to half of your deen? Stop dreaming about the future, and start worrying about how you will you able to make your marriage work. Its not too late sister, and plus you also have a daughter. Think about her. Does she not want a father?

    May Allah(swt) bless you sister and grant you jannatul firdaws.

    • i dont love him.... i also reconciled for my daughters nothing i ever did or do with him makes me happy ..... he knows what is in my mind whenever i told him how i felt it ended up in a divorce now im silent just for the sake of my baby....

  8. I'm not being judgmental and have no idea of your background, but if you watch a lot of romance movies (Bollywood, Hollywood) or soap operas, then please stop watching those, they tend to create unrealistic expectations. The princes found in these dramas are the same ones that have many divorces and many other problems in real life.

  9. Salams,

    Don't misunderstand me Sister Nadira. It is not acceptable for a Muslim man to look at non-mahram

    women theoretically. But practically, they are normal human beings with their own biological make-

    up. We can't change them and they can't change us. They love women, they love us because

    of our beauties, we are one of their greatest joys in life. Your husband has to improve his

    akhlagh dramatically, and he has to keep his thoughts for himself, by approaching you in a halal

    way. Nobody's perfect. That applies to both sexes. Seeing somebody more attractive doesn't mean

    you have to tell your mate about it. That's insensitive and childish. I know very well hoch much it hurts

    when your husband or other women flirt, look or when our men give attention to others. We have to

    live with it I guess. And during a marriage, we develop mechanisms how we can preserve our self-

    respect without being hurt even more. No man knows anything about the vulnerabilty of women. So many

    women complain on this site over and over again about the same problem. They are not able to understand

    it. When we are with them, they try not to look. When we aren't with them, they will look. And then they

    wonder why women don't like each other........ No idea.......

    All I can say is: Work on your dialogue, your akhlagh. We can't change men, they can't change us. All we

    can do is meet in the middle.


  10. hey sister. I am a 22 year old Muslim girl that got married young too. (17) At first I was in love and I think he loved me. He never said I love you and we've been married for 4 years. He never gives me compliments, my food is always nasty to him or is too salty for him. Or hes never hungry, hes always tired for sex or to go out with me. Hes always to tired to spend time with me. He is always happy when he talks to his family esp. his brothers and sisters...but not with me. When he sees his sister or brother (because the rest of his family are in Jordan) hes so happy with them,jokes,laughs, eats, enjoys life. With me he doesn't laugh, doesn't make jokes. So I'm cutting my story short, he made me fall out in love with him. I love him but not IN LOVE 🙁 it hurts but he wanted this. We have two beautiful girls, that's what makes me Stay with him I guess and I try to make myself fall in love with him for my girls. I try to make him joke to make him not always be tired but he wont. I think he just hates me. Your strong to laugh,joke,etc with your husband when you don't love him because I don't know how to do that. I just liked for you to see your not the only one. At least your husband laughs with you and has intercourse with you...mines doesn't. I stopped caring, I just want to live a normal life.!!!!! With him I think I'll never live normal.

  11. @ munch,

    Assalamu alaykum,

    Alhamdulilaah you are trying hard and living life.

    Just read the Qur'an with translations and meanings, Insha Allah, you will find ways to get out of this situation.

    I hope you will take this advice seriously.

    Your brother,

  12. Selam alejkum sister Nadira!

    How are u now?what happent with ur marrige?
    I will tell u sister its not abouth arranged marriage or not,its abouth what kind of man u get.
    I witet to 27 year for the right man muslim practising man and we speakt 1 mounth, he was wery nice to me and he told me, he love me and when we marrid,he begine to say im not for hem he want more buteful,more clever and like a man watch this young beutiul girls in europe specialy here in EU,blondin and the tv or on internet reklams evrywhere put them in the brain to our men, all abouth beutiful young girls with nice body and nice voices and fitna alot of fitna,so depens how big iman have the man,how much he is scary from Allah,so when i readet ur problem i have same and he always say he will marrid secound wife,we have 4 children mashallah alhamdulillah,so i givet also up divorse i live like u said wite on day maybe he will chenge when is to much older,what should we do?
    sometime i thing maybe i do something wrong or i dont know how to keep hem in a clever way and i thing every women who hve problem maybe dont know how the man show tack care abouth,Allahu Alem or this is our test from Allah so we have to have patience
    it is alot i want to write but i think in the end make dua always write for hem that u love hem even he told u bad words i think nice words open the door from his hart whathever he tell u dont say bad words always good and make dua inshallah he will change,May Allah help u to give u love and mercy in ur marrige and to every muslim caple may Allah give them love and marcy and understanding,amin

    wish u the best
    ur sister aich

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