Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Erotic discussions with my fiance lead me to masturbation, please help me stop

Interactions between the engaged couple

It is only Nikah that makes a man her Mahram

Well where do start... This is going to sound so bad.

Well, i'm engaged, me and my fiance are really in love with each other. We are not allowed to meet alone due to us not married yet. We talk over the phone like everyday. At night sometimes we get in the mood and have erotic discussions.

This then leads to me being really badly needing to be satisfied. I then end up watching porn and masturbating. I understand that its really sinful and I repent but then fall back in the trap.

I feel so hopeless. I dont know what I should do. please help as its getting really bad and i want to stop. Its gone to the extent that I have ended up doing it in ramadan.. Well not when i'm fasting, after opening the fast.

I need to know what to do to stop this bad habit.

Thanks,

~ cupcake

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29 Responses »

  1. Salam, Cupcake

    Please, Please, Please, do not watch porn. It's a habit which will become an addiction very fast. Once you get married it will become a big problem. You may not be able to satisfy your spouse the way he/she ( I am not sure if you are a male or female...) should be satisfied. You will become selfish and will only want to satisfy yourself .....It will bring harm to your marriage, do not invite evil into your relationship. And most of all it's a haram and you know it. Don't do anything, you would not do in front of your parents, friends, fiance.....Allah is watching and the Angels are recording every second of your life.
    InshaAllah you will have enough faith , and may Allah grant you strength to do so.

  2. salaam sister

    I think you should get married asap.

  3. This days we are very using this word engaged!! In Islam it's nothing like that only nikha. He is non mahram until you both are married. You should avoide talking with him until you get married.  Tell your parents to do nikha asap even if you can't live together for whatever reason but do that nikha.

    Ramadan is ending last 10days of Ramadan is full of blessing it's Sab e quadar nights pray make lots of dua this is our golden chance to win allahs forgiveness he will forgive if you ask sincerely. Get yourself busy with praying.

    • Just to make this a bit more clear, well we have had the nikha done but don't live together. In our family we don't class us as married until the rukasati (send off) is done. Which I personally think is a bit ridiculous.
      Me and my fiance are not allowed to meet even though we're religiously married.

      • then it is not "engaged" it is that you are married to him he is your husband. nikha means married in islam "send off" is only formalities. and if your parents are not allowing you to meet with your husband then its totally wrong they are doing. you have to talk to them about it you both are married you can meet him alone no one can stop you because you are MARRIED to him.

        • I have tried my best to explain to them but now I've given up. We both respect our parents alot and dont want to do anything against their will. So we have never met up in private even though its tempting at times as we are in the same city. Alhamdulilah i have got a very understanding partner and he's very supportive. he's trying his best but its just me doing wrong sinful stuff 🙁 and i cant control it. its very stressing and makes me unhappy

          • Agree with above, and Yes, you can control "IT", do NOT let "IT" control you. We all have stress in our lives and there are different ways to relieve stress, and us being Muslims the best is listening to the Quran, and Salat.

            Do everything in your power to be with your husband. Is it possible you can refuse "sending off" tradition? I am sorry, I am not familiar with this tradition, I would think once you have nikah, you move in together.

            Would someone, please, explain to me what is the meaning of "sending off" ?? does it have to do with a big feast? dresses? make up? unnecessary spending of money?

      • He's not your fiance, but your husband. Don't call him your fiance when your are legally married per the Sharee'ah.

        Muhammad Waseem
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. alhamdulillah, allah gave you insight into it that you are doing wrong. simple solution.... get married ASAP as mentioned above. tell your fiance that you both are doing sin and andit will only take away the blessing in the marriage and instead put guilt and remorse.

    the way to stop it is abstinence, abstinence from such talk, from watching porn, from masturbating.

    tell your fiance that you love her, want her to be your wife and cant wait for her to be with you, but right now what you two are doing is sin and you both shouldmakeit easy for each other to maintain the limits. please please please, do not just simply cut off from her with out telling her the reason, otherwise she will have all sorts of suspision in her mind. also do not think that she is this evil woman who is luring you into sin. its only but natural to feel attracted to someone you are going to marry, and its only but natural to marry ASAP if you fear that limits are difficult to maintain.

    may allah bless both of you with a happy fulfilling married life. inshallah.

  5. I see you have posted in November 2/2011 that "Not attracted to my fiancé" I don't know you are that person if it's so then it's almost a year not married yet?

  6. Salamualaikum,

    Sister cupcake, your interaction with your fiance is as wrong as with any other non Mahram man. This is because he is not your husband yet. Once you get married, he becomes your husband and interactions become lawful. What can make this lawful is only Nikah.

    So, either get married, or stop talking to him until you get married. If you are to be married sometime, then why not now, and make the relationship Halal?

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Brother Waseem, Sorry i didnt mention in the post that we have had the nikha done.
      Also i would like to ask, him being my husband... is he allowed to ask me for different kinds of pictures?

      • Oh, then you can have such discussions, insha Allah. You are already married.

        I believe the consummation has not happened. What do they say when you try to explain to your parents?
        I mean what is the reason they stop the consummation of your marriage?
        You have full right to demand staying together. If you are not given a valid reason, then you are not obliged to obey your parents.
        But if you are confused about what decision you have to take, please mention to us the reason they give, so that we can help you decide, insha Allah.

        Muhammad Waseem
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • The reason for the delay is that on the nikha, not all of his family could be present as we had a big celebration so his family decided that they wanted to delay the send off so everyone could attend and be part of the wedding as he is the only son in the family. Everyone is so happy and I feel like I'm ruining everything and the happiness.
          At first I thought what was the point of having the nikha done but I guess it's good because at least I'm not committing a sin by talking to him.

          It's not just my family that don't let us meet, it's his aswel so even if I convince my family.. he will never go against his parents will. Being in a massive Asian family is stressing as everyone has to say something. If I say something or try to change a certain thing it creates an issue which every single person has to get involved in.

          • I understand how it is. It is more complicated than one can think. But no one has any right to stop you from meeting.

            The reason is not valid, but not adhering to it will bring you a lot of problems. If you wish, you can have patience. And I hope it won't take long. What is the time they have asked you both to wait?

            During this time, do not commit sins and keep a guard on yourself, and do not exchange images which could bring you both disgrace if anyone found them.

            You could alternatively ask your husband to ask his parents to permit him to see you once in a while. If it is not approved, then pray to Allah that He eases the problem and solves it soon.

            The last nights of Ramadan are here. Make use of them and ask from Allah in the last part of the night, during which, Allah is on the lowest sky, asking if anyone has any duas He can Answer, as a Hadith states.

            I hope it helps

            Muhammad Waseem
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Sister Cupcake, As-salamu alaykum,

        As others have mentioned, the nikah is the marriage in Islam. The two of you are legally husband and wife. The rukhsati is nothing - I mean it is an important cultural celebration and in Islam we normally call it waleemah - but it is not as important as the nikah and it can even be dispensed with.

        You should move in with your husband and begin your married life together. The lack of a waleemah or "rukhsati" should not be a barrier. Frankly, the waleemah can be a very small event where you just invite some friends for dinner. It doesn't have to be anything grand.

        Your parents should not stop you from beginning your married life with your husband. It is completely improper of them to stop a married couple from begin together without any valid reason, especially when the separation is leading you into temptation and sin.

        Make it very clear to your parents that you are ready to move in with your husband and live as husband and wife right away. If they do not agree then in my opinion you should disobey them in this instance. Your husband has rights over you that supersede the wishes of your parents.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • It's best to avoid taking nude pictures or that sort of thing. They can fall into the wrong hands.

        Move in with your husband and begin your married life together, as I said in my other post.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I agree with brother Wael.  You should avoid the picture issue it's Internet and now days it's became very big problem. I don't want to be rude but I must say just let you as a sister that since you both are married but not living together for whatever reason if anything bad happens then this kind of picture will become hell rest of your life.

        So sister let's not think bad way but sometimes we have to because unknowingly it happens in our life then we feel helpless.

        Try to move and start living with your husband. Tell your parents to make that walimah soon. Without any valid reason your parents can't do what they are doing now. 

  7. Salam

    I suggest you that just get nikkah done but whenever you want to do marriage then do it but you are doing bad sin talking to ur partner about sex and then masterbating

    I hope u got the answer

    Takecare

  8. Sis cupcake u have done nikkah then it's fine if ur husband requesting from u pictures but u both can not use ur hands to full fill ur desire but as wife u can use ur hand practice on him and he can use his hands on u and ur husband have more right on u then anyone else

    U can leave ur parents if ur husband demands and move with him at once

    Do not listen to other people around u maybe they want to play with ur relationship just believe in ALLAH and ur husband

    Takecare

  9. i have a question too..

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  10. Cupcake ,

    I read yor other posts too ..I think you were too much involved in net with other guys and now after marriage again you are involved in the net but in the form of porn ..

    I used to think that girls might not like Porn much compare to guys as it is dirty but to my surprise i see some girls not only like Porn but addicted to this dirt . that too practising muslimah watching is shocker to me ...I think you need to remove internet connection from your room ..

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