Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father has problems with suspicion

suspicion 1

All my life I have seen my mother work hard at keeping our home clean and cooking every meal for my father, my grandparents, my siblings and myself. I've seen her quietly keeping herself busy and taking care of us, making sure we (as children) were washed, bathed, properly dressed and fed. My mother did it all. In fact I remember wondering how she managed to do it all and not get sick of it. Alhamdolillah, she was and still is amazing.

My father has also always been hard working. He is a very honest man who, as a father and husband to our mother, has always been very loving and caring. In fact, as children he spoiled us silly with whatever we ever wanted. I cannot remember a single instance in which he said no to something my siblings or I wanted. Alhamdolillah, he is still an amazing man.

As I mentioned, my grandparents also live with my parents (I got married two years ago, and live in a different country now). My grandmother is somewhat of a difficult personality. She is always hard and critical of my mother. When people come over for dinner and compliment her cooking, my grandmother criticises it. She always calls her daughters and their families to come over to my parents' home, and then delegates to my mother what dishes should be made. My mother has always quietly done as she was told. A few times while I was recently visiting my parents, my grandmother spoke very, very harshly and rudely to her.

My parents were not in a love marriage; my grandparents totally chose my mother to be their daughter in law. My grandmother also makes it a point never to behave this way when my father is home. With age I realize that she does this so that if my mother ever tells my father, he will definitely not believe her. It's very hurtful to watch, and my mother doesn't let me do anything about it.

The main issue that I need advice on is that despite all that my mother does for my father and grandparents, my father has these random bouts of paranoia. He starts imagining that my mother is talking to other men or she is flirting with other men. My mother barely ever leaves the house unless my father goes with her. She is not in the habit of travelling anywhere alone. Some days my father is perfectly fine and his normal self, but then he has days where he just starts to suspect my mother of having an affair with anyone- from the doorman of a hotel, to my father's brother, to the gardener. I had no idea that the silent treatment they gave each other when we were little kids were due to this.  I know that this is all in my father's head because even when I'm alone with my mother, he keeps coming and checking on her whereabouts (even while sitting in their room). I see my mother's face and the sadness and helplessness in her eyes. It's unbearable for me to watch this happening between the two people I love more than life.

My siblings and I are all grown up, my brother is getting married in a few months, and we all now know what the real issues are. With age we began to realize what was happening and its extremely painful. We feel pain for our mother and feel sad for our father. We have tried several times to try to get them to go to a marriage counselor or a psychologist, but my father refuses. To be honest, we are still a bit afraid of him and we don’t want to anger him. Sadly,there is still more to this story.

My grandmother has been aware of this problem for a few years and yet she has never tried to fix it or help my father see reason. In fact, she festers the wound further. She constantly invites certain people to the house with whom my father suspects the affair. My father has told her numerous times to not invite them, but she ignores his requests and turns a blind eye to the situation. My mother suffers more.

Now if I go further back in history, relatives on my father's side have told me that my grandfather had a secret marriage to a woman while married to my grandmother. When she found out about it, she used her children to emotionally blackmail their father to divorce his second wife. Many people tell me that my grandmother was a bossy tyrant sort who just like to socialize and flaunt her wealth.

On the complete other hand, my grandfather was a good natured, soft spoken, gentle personality. I have always felt that this story has alot to do with why my father is so suspicious of my mother, and why my grandmother does nothing about it. I feel extremely frustrated and sad at times. I make dua to Allah very regularly about this, as does my mother. My father has become regular in reading Qur'an and performing his entire prayer (fard+nafal+sunnah), and yet this problem has gotten worse in the last 3 years. Please let me know how I can help them, and what duas there are that I can make for them (or tell my mother about so she can make dua herself).


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4 Responses »

  1. Assalamwalaikum,
    Your father accusing your mother to having affairs with other men is a very serious accusation that should not be taken lightly, and should not be suffered in silence. Please don't misunderstand me here, I am not passing any fatwa or judgment (I'm not qualified to do that), but merely presenting my suggestion from the limited knowledge I have.

    The paranoia your father is suffering from needs to be addressed. You have to be cautious in how this matter is dealt with. It could potentially remove your father's paranoia, or make him even more paranoid, thereby leading to more problems! I think that, at the time when your father is making these accusations, there should be a person who is wise (has good Islamic knowledge), and is bold in communicating with your father [perhaps an uncle or a brother], and can intervene in the matter. When such accusations are made, audio or video record these moments and keep these safe. A demand should be made from your father to provide evidence or proof of the affair, and then enlighten him with what the Qur'an says about false accusation.

    "Those who defame chaste women, but cannot produce four witnesses, shall be given eighty lashes. Do not accept their testimony ever after, for they are transgressors, save those who afterwards repent and make amends, for truly Allah is forgiving and merciful. One who accuses his wife and has no witnesses except himself shall swear four times by Allah that his charge is true, and the fifth time, that Allah’s curse may be upon him if he is telling a lie. The wife shall receive no punishment, if she bears witness four times in the name of Allah that her husband has lied and, a fifth time that Allah’s wrath will be upon her if he is telling the truth." ~ Qur'an (Chapter 24, Verses 4-9, Translation by Wahiduddin Khan)

    Also, try getting audio or video recording of your mother's day-to-day activities regularly, and keep these safe. These recordings collectively could prove your mother's innocence and will be hard visual evidence against your father's false accusations.

    You can further read about the issue of false accusations here:

  2. I think you might find watching this video (especially with your father) very helpful:

  3. OP: He is a very honest man who, as a father and husband to our mother, has always been very loving and father has these random bouts of paranoia. He starts imagining that my mother is talking to other men or she is flirting with other men..... My father has become regular in reading Qur'an and performing his entire prayer (fard+nafal+sunnah), and yet this problem has gotten worse in the last 3 years.

    Apparently your grandmother does not think your mother is having affairs or had affairs as she keeps inviting those men. For how many years your father has been accusing your mother of having affairs.

    Affairs are usually hidden from public. Your grandfather had married a woman and your grandmother did not know about it.

    Looks like reading Quran and performing entire prayers has not helped your father become a better person.

  4. May Allah guide your father to the truth so he can stop causing pain to your mother. She sounds like an amazing person, very patient and hardworking. I agree with khiskisay and Vikram. Maybe listening to a lecture while he's around (about suspicion, false accusation, etc.) could help him see what he's doing. Your grandmother also seems to be adding to the tensions. I am sure of one thing sister, I will pray to Allah for your parents' situation.

    From a caring Muslim sister,


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