My fiancée wants to marry me despite his father´s dissaproval.
Assalam Alaikum,
Last summer I received a proposal from a very good muslim brother. His parents came to visit first and immediately liked my family and visited again with their son a few days later. This isn't my first marriage nor is it his, so I was cautious and concerned about the person I'd end up with. Upon meeting him, I didn't think he was my type nor did he seem interesting. But my parents and siblings encouraged me to keep an open mind. His father had called and talked to me quite a few times requesting that I keep in touch with his son, as he really liked me and my family and wanted this to work out. So we started to share emails and talk a bit and I started to feel that this could work. Two months later, we had another meeting, in which he proposed and I accepted. Then the hesitancies/concerns came from his parents, mainly his father, whom apparently considers himself the patriarch of the family and is known as a 'proud' man.
The concerns were about our far relatives, concerns about his education and not so much about me, at the time. His father wanted him to finish up with his final year ( Psychology Phd) before settling down, but having a wedding/me moving to his city after he finishes is a problem for him, because of a new job he is accepting (no time off). We all wanted the wedding to happen just 3 months before he graduates, that is all. His dad throughout these months has always expressed his views on how 'we are children' and shouldn't make decisions on our own. I'm 26 and he is 31, seriously? But even then, we were respectful of his wishes and wanted to do what he thought was right. Shortly after the proposal from him, my parents tried to contact his parents and weren't getting a straight forward answer on moving forward with a date, etc. At that point, I reached out to him, as I felt that it was the right thing to do. He always told me his parents just have cold feet because of the past. I understood their concerns, as I have parents with similar concerns. For that reason, I have a soft spot for them. I always showed them a great deal of respect. Well, he talked to his parents and they put their hesitancies aside and decided to meet with us to set the date. The day was great, and we were all happy, especially the both of us.
A few days after they left, we got a call from them about putting the date on hold because of yet some more concerns about my far relatives. My dad is a God fearing Muslim and has practiced Islam all his life and is a man of his word. He could not comprehend how another person, a muslim, could take back their words without good reasons. And truthfully, I couldn't either. I come from a strong Muslim family, Alhamdulliah and just don't understand some of this stuff. I guess these folks go deep into the family tree and it's strange considering some people they are questioning aren't even related to us!! I understand coming from an Indian/Pakistani background, inquiring about family is required, but to what extent?
Well, regardless of his busy lifestyle, my fiance put much effort into talking to his father to get him to agree because there was really no reason for him to object to this marriage. We both are adults, practicing Muslims, Mashallah and want to get married. He is a very respectful son, quiet in nature and a very kindhearted person, but considers himself a grown man, rightfully so. He decided he wanted to marry me without his dad's consent, (remaining family members are okay) but that didn't go over so well with his father. Just a few days ago his father shared some harsh words with my dad and made it clear he is against this marriage and because of me his son is aggressive, etc. etc. My goodness, as Allah is my witness, I was shocked to hear that, he thinks ill of me. He wasn't polite to my dad either. I've done nothing but respect his family. I was furious and so were my siblings and I called him that day and ended it.
He tried to talk me out of it, saying we haven't done anything wrong and that his dad is also on medication and that could be a reason why his behavior is such. I didn't know what else to do, it was stressful. I don't know why his father is behaving this way, seems like I'm being compared to his ex and that saddens me. Especially considering his father was pushing us to talk in the beginning. I was willing to give up a lot to be with him. His mom has called me recently and asked for some time to talk to his father and convince him. I haven't spoken to this guy for a month now. I know he has exams this entire month, so I've decided to give some more time, maybe a month. Now my family, except for my father, isn't thrilled about going forward with this even if his dad is okay later. My dad likes him a lot and knows we want to get married and is supporting me.
Am I doing the right thing? Should I give him more time to sort things out with his dad to make him understand there isn't a good reason to call off this marriage. He is someone I could see myself married to, so I feel like I need to give it another chance, give him another chance. I feel that they are a good family regardless of some of his dad's behaviour. We both are God fearing muslims and I did Istitiqarah a couple of times. I have complete faith in Allah (swt) and this is a decision I've made and if I don't hear back from him, I'll just move on.
Any advice on this would be appreciated. Thanks!
Modest
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"I have complete faith in Allah (swt) and this is a decision I've made and if I don't hear back from him, I'll just move on."
You've said it sister. It seems you already now what to do. You seem like a very intellegent woman and I don't think any of this is your fault or problem. Please don't feel as if you are lacking in something just becasue your fiancee's father is hesitant. Maybe he is just too over protective about his son. You probably don't know but maybe there were serious problems in his sons previous marriage which are making him react like this as a father.
It seems that you guys have done the talking. Now the time for contemplating has come. If your fiance is talking to his father then its best to let them get on with it. You have made the right decision by staying away- it will only relfect well on your character.
Give them the time they need. There must be a blessing in this delay so don't worry. All you can do now is pray to Allah that only good will come out of this.
SOmetimes things seem right to us and they are perhaps not good for us- time makes things clearer.
If your fiance gets in touch then you can let him know that by Allah's grace you are being patient and you will wait for him to deal with the problem as its from his side of the family.
Also do you tihnk your father can talk to your fiance's father, maybe in private-without anyone else around, try and get to the bottom of his actual concerns. What are the reasons relating to your distant cousions bothering him- maybe man to man he may come clean about these issues.
But be patient sister and only that which is good Allah will bestow to you.
I pray and hope it all works out.
As salamu alaykum, sister Modest,
Thank you very much for sharing, I would like to point out three things that maybe useful for you in the future, don´t take decisions or make important movements when you are under the influence of strong emotions, because you may regret them when you cool down.
Try to be patient with his father, specially if he is under medication, we can be in his skin too, Allah(swt) forbids.
I hope you have waited for him to talk but he maybe confused if you said to him you were finished. If you haven´t talk to him about your concerns you should, but from a calm way, insha´Allah, and tell him to be patient with his father too and be soft to him, if you can do it, insha´Allah.
You may have taken a decision already, you have perform Istikhara and you have it clear as sister Hafsa mentioned, there is no much left to say, you follow Allah´s (swt) guidance, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor.
Assalam Alaikum Sister Hafsa and Maria,
Thanks for your comments on my post. I did wait, but after a few weeks felt guilty about ending it with him because of the dad. After a month or so, I mustered up courage to approach him, especially after I heard through his aunt that he'd been very upset. Well, he basically said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with 'anyone' for a while and that he wishes me the best. Maybe he didn't appreciate that last phone call I made to him and is still upset about it or just doesn't want to deal with any stress. I remembered him telling me in the very beginning that it took him a while to even agree for marriage after what he had been through the first time. I guess now he's completely shut down, again. Surprisingly, his father did call a couple of weeks ago and apologized to my dad for his rudeness. I don't have anything against them and wish them the best too..especially him because he is a kind person.
You are right sister Maria, I should not make decisions while in an emotional state of mind. I guess this is Allah's wish that this wasn't meant to be. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise. I'm going to try and not be sad about it at all. Some after marriage planning was done between me and this guy and I guess I mentally prepared that he was going to be my partner, etc. It's just as a human being, it does take a toll on me with regards to finding a 'decent' life partner. It's a bit frustrating going through this process and trying to work and do my daily activities at the same time, my family knows how I feel too. THey are supportive and want me to seek potential proposals when I am ready. Although I did not talk to this brother too much or see him alone, I will try my best to limit conversations in the future. I just want to be careful about whom I marry, and I understand Islam doesn't allow too much communication or in person meetings, unless a mehram is present.
I know my problem is probably minor in comparison to some of the other posts I've read on this site. Inshallah, everyone will find solutions to their problems. Also, I know Allah (swt) works in mysterious ways, and if this or something else is meant to be..it'll definitely happen regardless. I will continue to turn to Allah (swt) for much needed guidance
Thanks
Modest2011
Walaykum as salam Sister Modest,
So nice to know about you, thank you very much for your appreciation and for sharing with us.
It is really nice of his father that he apologizes, it is good to have Peace and Respect between all of us, brothers and sisters, May Allah(swt) bless him for showing a soft Heart asking for forgiveness, Alhamdulillah.
Related to this man, let him go, he must be saturated, exams, marriage, family fights, rejections,.... a bit too much in such little space of time. Too many obstacles, not to pay attention to them. It is really nice to listen to you (despite the normal dissapointment and sadness) how you realize this is just a test to get ready for your future spouse, insha´Allah.
You are a wise, pious, religious woman, Masha´Allah. Seek everyday Allah´s(swt) guidance and the day you will be close to your future spouse, you will know it for certain, insha´Allah, as you said "Allah(swt) works in misterious ways".
From my Heart to your Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thanks Sister Maria, you are really sweet. May Allah (swt) always shower his blessings upon you and your loved ones.