Seperated from wife, met new wife, now first wife wants to prosecute me for adultery
ASSALAMU ALAIKOM,
I would like to ask your kind help concerning my current situation. Before I converted to Islam I was married and have children, but when I knew the true religion is Islam, I converted to Islam and asked my wife to convert to Islam as this is the true religion, but she disagreed.
I decided to go far from her and I was just sending money to my children as part of being a father. Years later I met a Muslim woman and I asked her family for her hand in marriage. We got married without informing my previous wife.
Now my Christian wife has found out that I have married again and she told me she will file a case of adultery against me. For a long time I did not go home but I always sent money to my children.
What will I do? Is it possible that my previous Christian wife can file a case on me because I got married to another woman?
- abz
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Salaams,
I take it that you did not divorce your first wife. In Islam, if a relationship has ended and is beyond repair then divorce kindly. It is unfair to leave a woman 'hanging'. I feel you ought to apologise to your first wife and ask her to forgive you. As it may be that your first wife wished that you would eventually return to her. I think if this is the case, this is why she is threatening to have you prosecuted, as she is deeply hurt.
There is no compulsion in religion and if your wife wasn't willing to become a Muslim I don't think that was a just reason to leave her. Especially as you have children together. You say she is Christian and a Muslim man is allowed to marry a Christian woman. Although I'm not sure, but maybe in that situation as you became a Muslim, if you would have been required to carry out a nikah with your Christian wife. Though how you have acted probably has resulted in your first wife resenting Islam even more. So what about your duty to your children by her? Money alone is not sufficient. You are required to play an active role in their upbringing.
This is a legal matter and thus you need to consult legal advice. You don't say what country you are from either. In the UK, if a couple have been separated for over 2 years, that is enough reasonable grounds for a divorce. However, I don't know if a couple are separated, are they allowed to embark on another relationship without it being classed as adultery. Also Muslims are expected to adhere to the laws of the land they dwell in unless of course they conflict with Islamic Laws. You need to pay a visit to an Imam also.
It is great that you have found Islam ,but you have left a legacy of hurt and pain upon another human being, that being your first wife and also your children. You need to make amends.
Regards
Hopeful
Assalamu'alikum Brother,
alhamdulillah!!! You have accepted Islam as your religion. That is great news. Insha'Allah you will continue to grow in Islam and be a great representative of this deen.
Now that I have said that let's discuss your problem. I say problem because you have created a situation that you can't get out of easily. You are going to have to make this right. It might not be very easy to do.
After your conversion to Islam there was no reason to leave your wife. A Muslim man is allowed to marry a non-Muslim woman. In your case you were already married to her. As Hopeful stated, there is no compulsion in Islam. There is nothing that states that she has to become Muslim. You were new to the deen, trying to learn yourself. You should have been patient with her.
Here is your problem that you will need to address. You have abandoned your wife. Not only did you abandon her but you also left your children. Do you really think that sending money is enough? You still need to be a part of their life. Your children don't care and probably don't know about the money. All your children know is that daddy is not there to play with us.
It's great that you have found a Muslim wife, the problem is that you never divorced your first wife. If she were a Muslim then it would be permissible but she is not. You don't say where you live but we are required to abide by the law of the land that we are in.
This is a legal issue that we can't answer. Before you get deeper into trouble you need to resolve this issue right away. Now that you know your ex wife’s intentions you need to find an attorney as soon as possible.
The other thing you need to do if your ex wife allows you to is to re-connect with your children. They need you.
Insha'Allah, what I have told you will help. Please make toubah and ask All(swt) for forgiveness.
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with everything that Abdul Wali has said, and I would add that it's obvious that you have hurt your ex-wife emotionally and she is taking revenge. In reality, at least in the USA, laws against polygamy are almost never enforced, except in extreme cases such as the Mormon cults that take 20 or 30 wives, many of them under age. I'm not saying that it's okay to ignore the law of the land, I'm just saying that the threat of prosecution is probably empty. But then who knows, with the hostility toward Muslims these days, some Islamophobic prosecutor might decide to make an example out of you.
As Abdul Wali said, talk to a lawyer. Furthermore, talk to your first wife. Try to make things right with her. Speak to her honestly, apologize, and get a legal divorce. And as Abdul Wali said, develop a relationship with your kids.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
First of all I have to say as a woman and a person who has been learning a lot about Islam in the past few months I am outraged at all of the mens views. I will concede that they are your own opinions as is your right.
In Islam you can get a divorce BUT it is only as a last resort! You all know this! Obviously you did not work hard enough or have patience. You abandoned your wife and children. Point blank. That is what you have done. You have harmed another human being more then you will ever know. Money means nothing in human relations. Sure it helps her financially but she has had the BURDEN of raising the children alone. In Islam the first wife must approve a second marriage. You must treat them equally. You have gone against so much that is Islam. It should be null and voided! The second marriage. All of you might think "Why throw away the second wife?" I ask "Why throw away the first wife?" Did she file for divorce ever? If not then you have kept her hoping you would come back. Then she still loves you. So NO it is more then likely it is not revenge but her true and absolute devastation that is motivating her. You have crushed another human beings soul?
In the U.S.A. she can have you procecuted! It will stick. You CAN go to prison. You can be extradited. Laws against polygamy ARE enforced here. Usually to the maximum which is years in prison in some cases. It is up to the wife to make the athorities aware of the matter. Most wives do not, they just get divorced. Since you have remarried it is a slam dunk. You did the crime. You ARE an adulterer in the U.S.A. Which is also against Islam. You abandoned her because she is Christian and wouldn't become a Muslim? That is against Islam. You are supposed to respect her religion too.
The men say divorce your first wife. That will harm her even more. Do NOT divorce her unless that is what SHE wants. Well I say call her. Beg her forgiveness. Do you hate her? Was she a bad wife? Did you have any other reason for abandoning her? It sounds like your fear and confusion is what drove you to leave. Talk to her and be honest. If you wanted to marry again you should have made sure your first marriage was absolutely over first. If you married this second woman for lust and desire or even because she is Muslim is it really right to do and harm your first wife? Your first duty is to your wife(first one) and your children. Until you make this right you can never have a happy marriage of any kind. Are you treating your wives equally? NO! Is she so insignificant as a human being that not only do you hurt her you are more concerned with if you will go to jail then that you have harmed her and your own children irrepairably? Does your second wife even know that you are an abandoner? If not then you are hurting her too. Womens souls are fragile.
I am so sorry for being so harsh to you. I am sure you are a good person. Maybe you just lost your way. Why did you not divorce your first wife? Maybe because you have an obligation to do everything in your power to save your marriage. Tell her you are sorry. She is your wife. The mother of your children. You should take yourself away from your second wife. Tell her you must make everything right with your first wife before persuing a life with her as well. Ask your first wife what you can do. If you have no reason to divorce your first wife then you have an obligation to her, your children and your marriage. You should approach your first wife knowing that she is in pain. You have hurt her. She is lashing out at you in pain.
How would you feel if she had done this to you? Taken herself away from you? With no divorce? Left you all alone? Because you have a different religion. One that is recognized by Islam no less. You had no reason for leaving her.
Honestly you can take anyones advice. Get a lawyer. Divorce the first wife...do more harm. Or look into your own heart and soul. Look into the Quran. Talk with your wife(one). Know that you must make this right for both wives, children and yourself. You know what your actions have done. Save your marriage at all cost. You married your second wife under false pretenses because your first wife was left abandoned and was told about it after the wedding. Do no harm. You must repair your first marriage. Her not filing you for divorce tells me she wanted this marriage. Everything hinges on you being honest and finding out what she wants and how she feels. Your marriage to her is legal. If you are an American then you know your second marriage is NOT legal and is null and void regardless of where you are living now. If you are not an American then you know the first one is legal and moral and your second is immoral. Just because you might love the second wife does not make it right. Fix the first marriage then deal with the second one. Being in love with your second wife does not give you grounds to divorce your first wife. Taking yourself away from your first wife does not give you grounds to divorce her.
Only you can decide what to do. I truly hope you find your way in this. I must ask you to make better decisions now. The coices you make in this situation could harm all of you even more if you just disregard your first wife like you would the trash.
If I am being mean I am sorry. I know what it is like to be abandoned with children and I would not wish that hurt and pain on my enemies much less a good person who just does not deserve it.
Put yourself in your first wife's shoes in this situation.
Do not divorce her unless she says to. When she is calm and knows what she is saying. She might scream it at you in pain.
Roux,
I don't know why you are outraged by the men’s views. I don't think I said anything that would suggest that I support his position. I agree with you. This man abandoned his wife and children. If he is living in the US he has committed a crime. Polygamy is against the law. I told him that there was no reason to leave his wife because according to Islam he is allowed to marry a non Muslim. I did tell him that it's great that he married a Muslim wife but his problem is that he never divorced his first one so he is wrong. I never told him to divorce his wife.
In terms of how he handled his marriage, he was dead wrong and there are no excuses. If he didn't know the Islamic position, then as a new Muslim he should have asked someone.
Sister, we deal with this type of situation all the time. There are so many Muslims who either out of ignorance, their culture or just plain stupidity commit the same mistakes over and over again.
If I left anything out of my post to him, or if it seemed as if I was in favor of his position then I apologize. If you have read any of my previous responses to women who were looking for help you will see that in most instances I am in favor of the woman.
Peace!!!
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Abdul Wali,
Thank you for writing. I feel that I was outraged at the whole situation but it did seem to me as if the men were telling him to divorce his first wife without even knowing her stance on the matter. Usually my responses are a little less fervent and more compassionate. I have been in that womans shoes myself and even after eight years it still hurts. That kind of betrayal is hard to get over. A man should be there to protect his wife and children. He should be there for them always as they should be there for him. If the marriage had ended after all possible efforts were made then he should have let her go kindly. I think it upset me that he was more worried about his legal issues then the harm he has done to his family.
It's okay to make mistakes. Everyone does. That's how we learn from them. But it seems he is not learning from them. First he abandons his wife then remarries and she finds out. How cruel is that? In my empathy for her I lost my temper from that sort of pain. I truly hope abz learns from his mistakes. From my own past I know that what he does now is either going to put him on the road to healing his family or he will do so much more harm. That is why I suggested he talk to her and find out what she wants in this. It could be the only way to heal the whole family and give him the chance to be a father like he should be.
Yes I have read other responses by you and you are a kind fair minded person. It's not even about being in favor of the woman, it's about being in favor of kindness, of compassion, of fairness, of doing no harm to others. If a man and his children were abandoned by his wife I would feel just as outraged by her behavior.
Oh you said if he is living in the U.S. he committed a crime but by U.S. law if she is American and they were married in U.S. any other marirage anywhere in the world by either party without a divorce first is not only illegal it is null-in-void. Unless his first wife moves to the country he lives in. So if he came back to the states second wife would not be a wife. She is not his childrens step mother. Any children they have would be considered bastards. And his first wife has cause to have him arrested.
They can arrest him as he gets off a plane on U.S. soil and hold him for thirty days. Then it is up to the wife to complete the filing of charges by the thirty days. At that point he would then have a court day and be sentenced. Because he had second marriage he has no leg to stand on. It has been proven he is an adulterer and a polygamist. If his children are in U.S. he would risk jail time to come here. In cases like this it is solely at the discretion of the wife. The police would tell him this too. It is absolutely up to her. So my advice to him is to throw himself at the mercy of his wife and beg forgiveness. Ask her what she wants him to do and then just do it. Whatever it might be. She is a Christian, she waited for him with their children, she never filed divorce proceedings for years. Seems to me she is a patient natured person. I do hope he does the right thing whatever that may be for his family and himself.
I hope I did not offend you in any way and if I did then I am sincerely sorry. Like I said you have seemed to be a kindhearted person and I hope you know I mean no harm.
Roux
Assalamu'alaikum,
No, I am not offended at all. I appreciate that you took the time to write back. Communication is very important. We were able to clear up a misunderstanding and that is always good.
I am in complete agreement with you. He should do whatever he has to to gain her forgiveness. If he doesn't reconcile with his wife and take care of his children he faces jail time and child support that the judicial system will certainly have him make up.
I pray that he does the right thing.
Thank You!
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As-salaamu alaikum
Roux I just wanted to thank you for your words to the brother. I too have been abandoned by my husband and I just read your post to him. He agreed with what you stated. To be abandon is not easy. I went through this in my first marriage and was abandon with small children. This time Alhamdulilah I am a Muslim and can hold onto the rope of Allah Ta'ala. I believe in Divine Decree and am relying on Allah for my marriage. Divorce is a final resort! All measures must be exhausted. I will never file against him. If he wants one then he must do it. I have seen the aftermath of men who abandon their wives. I don't know of any men who have prospered after leaving their families. Does anyone?
The wirst wife in the post is clearly hurt as I am. I don't know how do men begin new relationships while they are still currently in one? How can one selfishly go attach themselves to another using them emotionally when another is still devastated and not at peace. Allah calls us to part amicably. How can this happen when ones rights are being given to another? Why not get divorced and do some self-analysis to learn what happened in the prior marriage? Why don't people as you state read Quran if they are Muslim?
The answers are there.
Insha-Allah ths brother is doing things in a proper manner now.
May Allah rectify our matters-Ameen
Your Sister in Islam,
Kalia