Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I was forced into marriage, I wasn’t even aware of it

Forced marriage poster for people in the UK

Forced marriage is not valid in Islam

Asalaam Alaikum WaRahmat Tulla Wabaraktu,

Brother/Sister,whoever wil be reading this message. I have a major problem going on my life. I am an 18 year old Pakistani girl. My problem is that my parents have forced me to get engaged with someone I do not like.

My parents did this because I told them about this guy I had in mind to marry. Hes a very good guy and he loves me very much.

My parents did the Nikah without telling me. I wasn't aware that I am getting my Nikah done. And every time I tell my parents that I am not marrying him, they always say but you already did the Nikah. But no Imam ever approached me and asked me, nor did i sign any papers.

I don't know what to do, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone i don't have any feelings for. I don't want to ruin his life either because I can never look at him with love or give him what he expects from me as his wife. I can't focus on school, i'm losing hope, I don't know what else to do or who to go to.

My parents tell me that if i break this Nikah then everyone will laugh at our family. And it seems like to them, their reputation is more important to them then their daughter's happiness.

I'm miserable everyday and I'm always crying. And they say that they will disown me. My dad blackmails me by saying that he will kill himself and then everyone will be after me because I am the reason for him doing that. I feel like I have no way out.

The guy is happy because I live in the USA and he will get to come here. That's why his parents asked for my hand in marriage. I read online that a girl has a right to choose who she wants to marry and its haram to be forced to get married to someone with whom you do not want. It's not mandatory to marry your cousin or someone that’s related to you.

My parents said they don’t like the guy I told them about because He doesn’t speak the same language as us and because he is not related to us.

They also say the problem is because he isn’t from the same area as us in Pakistan.They are very good, educated and financially stable people. They also live in the USA, so the thought of him marrying me to come here is out of the question.

Allah says that the parents have to ask the daughter for her consent. But no one ever asked me for my consent for the Nikah. I didn't think they would do the Nikah, I just said i would think about it. I don't want to disobey my parents, but I also don't want to ruin two lives here. I also read that under your mothers feet is paradise and that you must always obey your parents. But what if they are wrong? Should i still have to obey them?

If Allah says I have a right to choose, and my parents say I don't, then wouldn't i have to listen to Allah first? But that would be disobeying my parents. I'm very confused, i'm at the point where I just want to commit suicide. But then again I am afraid of the consequences I will have to face in the hereafter.

I don't know what to do, please help me out. Please tell me what I should do.. I don't know what to do or who to go to. It seems like I have no way out. What should I do? What can i do? Please help me, I am eagerly waiting for you response. JazakAllah khairun for taking the time out to read this.

- mk

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21 Responses »

  1. salaam

    sister as far as i am aware no marriage is valid unless both people who are getting married consent to it niqaa has to done with the formalities set out in the quran i am sure that one of the editors will explain with verses from the Quran but from what you have said there does not seem to be a valid niqaa

    • But you see in our area of pakistan, grandfathers of both people sign the Nikkah....I know it makes no sense, what if someone isnt agreeing with me? Like me.They still do it 🙁 Idk what to do anymore....

  2. no this marriage is not valid. i think they are playing with you. how can it be valid while you do not want to marry Him?. and no forced marriage is haram. may be they are playing with you. you have to talk with your dad. you have to tell Him do you want me to have a happy life? and sister marry a proper Muslim guy so you can have peaceful life otherwise look at the world everything is like washed up. i feel so sorry what is happening to us. we have left Islam and look what is happening 99% of us have lots of big problem's. that we have created for our self but we don't even know. still people are like blind i feel sorry lots of people life have been ruined.

    Learn Islam read the Quran and understand it so you have have happy and peaceful life AMIN!!!

    YA RABI GUIDE US ALL THE WAY TO YOU AND ALL HELP US ALL AMIN!!!

  3. Invalid marriage.

  4. Dear friend,

    your problem has atleast three phases.

    1) you are in love with someone. But your parents dont like him.

    i dont know how much it is true to fall in love with someone you are not married.

    2) you are forced to marry by your parents.

    it is clearly forbidden in Islam to force women into marriage. Let us read the following:

    you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing - Quran 4:19. Sahih International

    So according to Noble Verse 4:19, a woman can not be forced into marriage by any mean.:

    Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: "The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: A guardian has no concern with a woman previously married and has no husband, and an orphan girl (i.e. virgin) must be consulted, her silence being her acceptance. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2095) "

    sister, you are not ready to marry whom your parents want. So you needn't to live with him if you are not intrested.

    3 ) your dad says if you divorce him whom with your nikah is done, he would kill himslef.

    Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: "A virgin came to the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) allowed her to exercise her choice." (Translation of Sunan Abu- Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2091).

    Friend,In your case, your dad blackmails you by suicide. (This a fallacy/mistake in critical thinking. "APPEAL TO EMOTION". here your father does mistake. if you fall in hs words,it is your mistake too.) .

    black mailing by suicide is unislamic . I think No need of explanation.

    you told you had heard that the paradice is under the foot of mom. you no need to obey your parents if they do wrong. i forgot the name. there is legacy in Islam whome his mom black mailed by death when he recived Islam. he didnt obey his mom.

    I am really sorry my dear friend. I dont know how to slove your problem. you need your parents and your lover sametime. And you think it is not possible. There is only one way. You have to brong your parents in your way. Or you can ask the help of your uncle or elder brother

    • But you see in our area of pakistan, grandfathers of both people sign the Nikkah....I know it makes no sense, what if someone isnt agreeing with me? Like me.They still do it Idk what to do anymore....

      • That is an invalid nikaah. Usually both the woman and man need to agree to marry each other and sign the nikaah contract. Both the woman and man need to agree (kabul) otherwise there is no valid marriage and the family are encouraging their children to engage in zina by this cruel practice.

  5. I dont know why did the man agreed to nikah with out asking you.

    I dont know why do your parents force you to marry someone.

    I dont know why does your lover bold to talk with your parents.

    I dont know why dont you dare to talk with Imam or your husband(with whom your nikah done).
    Now I understand why did my sister Malala was shoted.
    I think these all are the problems of culture and lifstyle being practiced in your area. unislamic.

    I have a request, dont let your child (if Allah gift) to suffer like this.

    Yours Anuj

  6. Sister,

    I simply don't understand why Pakistani parents continue to marry off their daughters who are raised in the U.S. to men back home. Quite often there are cultural differences and the man is not educated. Why is it so important to bring him here to get a "green card" at the expense of a young woman's life and happiness?! I have read countless stories how how lives have been destroyed by parents doing this. Are they the ones who suffer? No. It is their offspring. Why? Do our children not matter to us? Their happiness, dreams and aspirations?

    Sister, I have three daughters of my own and they mean the world to me. I want the very best for each and every one of them so how could I ever force them into a marriage they do not want? Your parents have performed Nikah (which is not valid by the way), without your knowledge nor consent. Are you aware of how many Pakistani men come to the United States in this manner? A lot. All you have to do is read up on how many men marry and later dump their wives as they only used them as a means to get to the U.S. Is this true about every Pakistani guy out there...absolutely not. I am sure there are some really wonderful guys however, why take the risk?

    Look, I get that you love your parents and do not want to disrespect them however...they disrespect you by doing what they are. You are not a cow to be sold. You are a young woman whom Islam has given rights to...rights by which your parents are not giving to you. This is YOUR life and you had better stand up for yourself. Do not stand by and let your parents force you into this marriage. They are in the wrong...not you. If you do not stand your ground sister and say, "this marriage is not happening...not now, not ever", you are just going to be another statistic that we see every single day. This is your right. You are not disobeying or disrespecting your parents, you are doing what is your God given right as a Muslimah.

    At 18, I am going to assume you are a senior in high school. I can't even imagine how you are focusing on your work at this point. My prayers are with you at this time. Whatever you do, stand your ground and do not give in. If Muslim women the around the world stood their ground and took their Islamic rights, these forced marriages might one day be a thing of the past. Until then, forced marriages will continue because they are allowed to. Do not allow yourself to be one of those statistics...be one of those that stand to make the change.

    Salam

    • I totally agree with the sister. What I think you should do, go through this website and find the countless stories of those men who came here and married a girl raised on here and how it ended up. Print those stories and give them to your parents. Tell them, you don't want to end up like all these young women. Ask an Imam to intervene or someone your parents will listen to. It is not right per Islam to force you to marry against your will.
      And most importantly, pray Istikarah and ask Allah (S.W) for guidance. He is the one who can guide you. Maybe the man you think you love is not right for you neither. But anyway, Allah (S.W) knows best so keep making Du'a even if it is hard on you. Keep believing in the power of the Creator.

      • But you see in our area of pakistan, grandfathers of both people sign the Nikkah....I know it makes no sense, what if someone isnt agreeing with me? Like me.They still do it Idk what to do anymore....

  7. Sister, what you are experiencing is the ugly side of our pakistani culture.

    Your parents are in the wrong according to islam. Islam obliges you to be good to your parents. Islam does NOT oblige you to be forced into marriage.

    Ibrahim as..remmeber him :0) his dad was worshipping idols...he got thrown out by his dad..but he was respectful.

    So you do what you must do. You need to approach a SANE imam. Make istikhara. Make a lot of dua for Allah to make a way out for you.

    but know that you have *every* right islamically to marry someone you wish. Parents have the right to obedience but not torture. Parents do not have the right to force their children into marriage. If they did, forced marriage would be halal 🙂 its not halal 🙂

    anyway, my advice to you is to find out about this guy. Its yur DEAD SURE u don't want to even consider being married to him, then you will need to take a stand because if you don't, you will end up maybe emailing this site after yur married and saying yur married to a guy because u gave in to pressure and now what should u do. u know what i mean?

    if your 'no' isnt heard, u just have to KEEP ON SAYING NO. Do it respectfully. Get other people involved. Look past your parent's emotional blackmailing. Be good to them. Serve them. Be nice. Don't talk back. But keeeeeep saying NO if you do not want to marry that man.

    • I understand, But I have a feeling they did the Nikkah without my consent, meaning I feel as if they forged my signature. Because the girl and guy dont get to sign, the grandfathers of both people too, sadly.

      • Sister

        Again - this is not a valid marriage. This does not count as a marriage. Be confident in confronting your parents stating to them that what they are doing is wrong and provide Islamic arguements - print out this whole forum or go to a sound and sensible Islamic Schloar. You should also approach an Islamic organisation in the US to help - I think the name of the organisation is CAIR.

  8. I would say you have to do the very possible task of putting your emotions aside, knowing your rights and simply refuse. Stand your ground and know you are correct. Do not let blackmailing work at all. This situation is a perfect situation for destruction as you have read on this website or could read--I do not know why parents do this, but for some reason, females continue to be burden for some parents, in some cultures. Unfortunately, this is part of that horrible cycle.

    I wish you the best and assure you that it is possible for you to prevail and you will thank yourself later when you see what you didn't put urself through. InshaAllah, stand your ground and don't falter.

  9. I know that brothers and sisters, and I am holding my grounds and putting my emotions aside. The one thing that bothers me is that they probably did the nikkah without telling me, and someone probably forged my signature.And they think that is Nikkah, and Nikkah is marriage. So only way would be talaaq. But no one ever asked me, nor did i sign any papers or make a finger print. But in our area of Pakistan, the girls grandfather and the guys grandfather does the Nikkah.Thats what scares me because Im not sure about the Nikkah and if its done then I have absolutely no way out.

    • Whaaaaaattttt!? The girl's grandfather and the boy's grandfather do the nikah. Lol.. Ok this is soooo funny. I can actually visualize them. Haha. That sounds more like same sex marriage. I never heard of that before. This is a mockery of nikah. There is no such provision provided in islam. I live in ur neighbouring country and i never heard of anything like this here. Im sorry but i still cant get over the visuals. Oh God my cheeks hurt. Lol.

      • I know, doesnt make sense to me either. How is that even a Nikkah if the girl and guy doesnt sign the papers? But thats just the way it is in the area I am from in Pakistan. I know it doesnt make sense. but for me its a problem 🙁

    • From my little knowledge: It is fine if the grandfather takes consent of the girl before signing the docs as her "Wali" but without consent, there is no Nikah. The man's grandfather must be acting as a witness if I am not wrong. If you were not aware, you were not married. If signature was forged, then it is equal to cheating which does not befit a Muslim.

      The Wali sometimes asks the girl for her consent and then represents her in the nikah. This is valid, but if the consent was not sought, then there is no point. The major condition of Nikah contract: Ijaab wa Qubool, which, in every other worldly contract is knows as "Offer and Acceptance" is missing. In the absence of this, there is no possibility of a Nikah.

      The conclusion is: No consent, no Nikaah. You were never married, so there is no question of Talaaq. And Allah Knows Best.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. salaam

    sister a niqaa cannot be done without consent from you may it would help if you spoke to your local mufti or the local shire counsel they will advise you and your parents if you think that the mufti from your local mosque will be biased then go to a different mosque but he should not be ok but you need to speak to the mufti that deals with the issues of marriage so he has the required knowledge from the Quran to deal with your situation

    allah hafiz

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