Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Getting over lost love

Assalamu Alaikum,

My name is Asma. I was born and raised in America and my family is from Pakistan. I attended a muslim school since childhood and have tried my best to stay a good muslim throughout my life. A few years ago one of my male relative told me that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me. I also liked him alot and wanted to marry him as well. We talked on the phone several times and met up a few times over a year ( we did not do anything haraam except for talking and holding hands..)

I realized that even talkin to him & meeting him before marriage is wrong of me so I told him that I would not speak or meet him until we got married. This really upset him alot and he tried his best to make me come & talk to him but I did not go. I made him really upset by doing this but I remained this way. I told my father that we spoke on the phone and liked each other & wanted to get married. My father beat me and  & never allowed me to go near his house ever again (vise versa he did not come to our house either anymore).

My mother and father both began to torment me, yell, & swear. I constantly asked them for forgiveness & after a while they said that they forgave me.  Also, to make the situation worse one of my female relatives went and told all my aunts, uncles, & their kids that we talked on the phone & love each other. This led to alot of problems & I cried myself to sleep every night...I had to deal with relatives ridicules & him being upset with me because I stopped meeting and speaking to him.

Over time my mother found out that he has anger issues, he steals at work she did not like him at all and did not want me to marry him. Every time I tried to talk to her about my feelings she would swear at me and I would cry all day & night in my room. After a year his parents came for my hand but my parents said that if I say yes then they would hate me forever and would never give him, me or his family any respect. For their sake and for Allah (swt) hukum of obeying parents I did not marry him...it was the most difficult decision of my life.

Two days later my ex relative got engaged and then married to my female relative (the one who spread gossip about the both of us to all of our relatives). He told his friends that he married her to hurt me because I wouldnt be able to stand it. Now its been five years and he has two kids. His wife ruined my repuation infront of my relatives and now once she married him she acts arrogrant, evil, she keeps smirking whenever she sees me and gets close to him & her kids and starts kissing them and then she turns back in my direction to see my reaction.. (all along she wanted him for herself and now that she got him shes torments me & tries to make me jealous w/ him).

Before his family came for my rishta I asked her if she liked him and she took Allah qasm that she didnt and then she told my sister stuff like he is a bad guy for me and tht he is just using me and will ruin my life after I marry him. Now I realized that she was being clever and tried her best to break mine and his relationship so she could have him for herself. As soon as my parents said no, she acted all innocent infront of the relatives and married him two days later. She stopped him, & his family from ever  speaking  to me again. They are nice to my siblings and my parents but are very cruel to me. Whenever I'm around, they try to make me jealous by getting close to one another and kissing their kids & he also told all his friends and fam lies about me &  ruined my reputation

I thought that if I did the right thing then maybe Allah will be pleased with me and my life would get better but the exact opposite happened my life has gotten worse, my parents still arent happy with me, I am doing miserable in school, my relatives all left me and are with them now & I just wish everyday that I would just die.

I can't beleive that he would ever hurt me so much on purpose with that evil girl who ruined both of our reputations. However sometime when I see him he seems so sad, frustrated, and upset when family occasions arise because deep down I know tht he still loves me and he cant stand the fact that we didnt get married. He acts that he is happy with his new life and family but whenever I come around he gets all angry faced & gets up and leaves the room (even around all the relatives).

I know him well, he believes in his mind tht he deserves to be happy with his wife & kids but that if I move on and get married and am happy then I am unfaithful and Bewafa to him. I'm so confused, I can't stand his dramas but I also cannot live or be happy with anyone else knowing that he will be soo upset and miserable seeing me with someone else.  I can't hurt him by marrying someone else because  I know deep down he will always love me.

I FEEL LIKE I WAS THE UNFAITHFUL BEWAFA ONE FOR PLEASING MY PARENTS AND NOT MARRYING HIM....my life has become so imbearable that I wish I would die (if it wasnt haraam I would have comitted suicide long ago). I dont even know wht I would tell my future husband bout all this and my relatives and I don't know how I can move past this, forget him, and move on happily...in my heart I'll always love him and I know if i'm with someone else my ex relative would go crazy from jealousy and show me constantly tht he can't stand it...

I don't know what to do...I cant live my life anymore like this & my father wants to find me some random guy from pakistan to marry that I don't know & wont have a chance to ever talk to until after I am married...I can't forget him & everythin that has happened...also my relatives live in my neighborhood and I have to see him & all of them every day...I want to lock myself in my closet and never get out..plz tell me is their any hope for me...I've lost hope in god (astukfirallh I know this is so wrong and haram to say but I stopped praying two years ago because it seems like even though I do the right thing my life just gets misearble nd the evil ppl that tourment me are happy and get everything). Plz tell me is their any hope...plz

- asma88

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46 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum my beloved Asma,

    Alhamdulillah, you have shared your story, thank you very much, you are important to me more than I can express with words, Alhamdulillah, you are looking for Hope, there is Light waiting for you to recover yourself, insha´Allah.

    Let´s go to the root of this problem and drive you away from all the negativity that surrounds you, insha´Allah.

    Let´s bring the Light of Allah(swt) to your Life and to your Heart again, you have had enough of darkness, insha´Allah.

    First of all, wash yourself consciously begining in the name of God (Bismillah), when you finish you know what to say, pray five times a day at the right times, no excuses allowed, just do it, I read that the Prophet(swt)before going to bed used to read surah al-ikhlas, al-falak and al-nas, to protect himself, I would recommended you to do it every night, don´t stop doing it, it is a good habit, insha´Allah.

    Choose listening Surah al-bakara instead of listening other things, you will see the changes, insha´Allah.

    Any time you are around negativity, "Audhu billahi minash shaytani rajeem".

    Before going out, you can say three times the following dua: "Bismillahi alladhi la yadurru ma`a ismihi shay'un fi al-ardi wa la fi as-sama'i wa huwa as-sami`u al-`alim"

    To get out of that misery that is eating you, please read dua for anxiety and sorrow, insha´Allah.

    Watch nature, a flower, a tree, animals, whatever is alive and can bring a smile to your Heart, ...

    Watch the day waking up and see how the darkness dissapears after the first ray of Light appears, Alhamdulillah.

    Go for your studies and go ahead with your life, you can do it insha´Allah.

    You have the right and the duty to live your own Life, he did his choices, you don´t belong to him, you belong to Allah(swt), Alhamdulillah.

    Forgive me for being so repetitive but please do the salat, read the surahs, read and listen al-bakara, you can do it, that will bring you the Light you need to flourish again, insha´Allah.

    My Heart is here for your Heart.

    Allah(swt) knows best

    May Allah(swt) guide all of us to the Straight Path...Ameen.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María

    Islamic Answers. Editor

    • Salaam,

      Sister Maria, whenever I feel down I come back to to this site and keep re-reading your beautiful words of encouragement and advice. May Allah (swt) bless u immensely.

      -Asma

    • Salaam!

      So, beautifully you have told the things to keep one self-alive. May Allah bless you.

      In reference to the original post:
      I also had some sort of the same situation but not to that extent. Thinking about past is just makes you a Sadist. Somebody, once told me to remember only the good things. This life is too short to think about the bad things and people. See, its just a phase. This too shall pass.
      May Allah bless everyone with the courage and strength.
      Ameen!

      With Support,
      -sajida

  2. Salaams,

    There are a lot of details to you post. I will do the best I can to sort them out, Insha'Allah.

    Before getting to the details of the guy you used to like who is now married to someone else, the most imporyant issue for you right now is that of your deen. Even though a lot has happened that has affected you, the crossroads you NOW face is whether you are going to remain overcome by what has already happened by continuing not to pray, or whether you are going to try to move forward into your future by repenting of your poor choices and trying to get back on track with your Lord and Cherisher.

    The Prophet (saws) said, "I am leaving two things among you, and if you cling to them firmly you will never go astray; one is the Book of Allah and the other is my way of life."

    Relationships come and go. Emotions will fluctuate depending on situations. Everything changes with time, and then changes again. What you are going through is temporary, but what you have abandoned in your ibadah and connection to Allah is what is permanent and lasting. This is what you have to return to if you want to see your state improve.

    We don't worship Allah so that we can have everything go our way. We don't worship Allah so that we can marry the one we like, or to keep people from being unkind....although if Allah wishes He can have that happen. Devotion to Allah is rooted in our desire to become better people for our own sake, regardless of whether those around us act as they should or not. Your only hope of gaining any type of peace after what has taken place is to get back in submission to your Creator.

    If I am reading your post correctly, the reason you didn't marry this man had nothing to do with the woman he eventually married or her "two-facedness". You admitted you were liasoning with this man in an improper way to your parents, and THAT is what turned your family against your potential marriage to him. YOU made the choice to trangress the limits of adab with a non-mahram, and the reaction of your parents was to be expected. Even though I personally feel your father should not have physically beaten you over it, he and your mother are entirely justified to expect you to no longer affiliate with that man, let alone marry him.

    You said you felt guilty for choosing to reject his proposal for their sake, since they said they would essentially disown you if you agreed to marry him. You even went to the extent of saying that you felt that your honor to your parents was somehow a betrayal to him! In Islam, "A man or woman is bound to be good to his or her parents, even though they may have injured him or her." You did the noble thing by submitting to their wishes, even though it went against your own desires. That type of honor can never be a betrayal to someone else, no matter how deep the hurt feelings.

    You are the only one slowing the healing process down at this point. He is married, and despite his actions, or those of his wife, or what either of them did in the past, the task for you now is to open your heart to finding another husband besides him and repairing the relationship you have with your parents. It may be that the reason he gets angry when you are around is because YOU are the one that is hanging on to something that was not meant to be. You said this has been five years ago, and that his wife does not want you involved in their family, and so therefore you do not belong anywhere in that mix. Your emotions, your memories, and your misunderstanding of how things were "supposed to" work out is what is keeping you tormented. As long as you continue to focus on what "she did", or what "you should've done", or what you believe "he feels", you will continue to swirl in a whirlpool of negative emotions. You are spending precious years of your life trying to make them to blame, when all along it was your choices that created this situation to begin with.

    You have a bright future ahead. Do you really want to spend more time stuck in a past that will never come true? Yes, you've been in love, and losing love hurts...a LOT. Yet, Allah is so much greater than the pain of our heartbreaks, and He is desiring that you come back to Him and open yourself to the bounty He has to offer you. He can provide you a love beyond anything you've ever experienced, and He can guide you to a husband that comforts you, so He wants you to trust Him moving forward into your destiny.

    The Noble Qur'an - At-Tauba 9:51

    Say: "Nothing shall ever happen to us except what Allah has ordained for us. He is our Maula (Lord, Helper and Protector)." And in Allah let the believers put their trust.

    Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalaamu alaikum dear sister asma.

    I am sorry for the difficulty you are going through moving on from your lost love. I wanted to address a few issues quickly if I could

    Suicide

    Dear sis, sucidie is completely haraam in islam - the pain you are experiencing now will be nothingcompared to if you commit suicide. I urge you to do away with any thoughts of this. You dont see it but you have so much to live for. so Please dont think this way. I will InshaAllah pray for you.

    Past
    I want to also say that although you committed a sin, MashaAllah you realised it, and you stopped meeting and talking to him. Allah will InshaAllah reward you for that. Make sincere tawbah though for the sins you did commit.

    Allah has saved you
    I know this may come as a shock to you, but what happened is a blessing, even if it hurts.
    “And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (AI-Baqarah, 2:216)

    I know you have feelings for him, but after some time together, these feelings fade. Dear sister, this guy was no good for you. Let me quote you:

    " he has anger issues, he steals at work she did not like him at all and did not want me to marry him." You also said that him and his wife enjoying hurting you on purpose. Him and your cousin are great together, subhanAllah they sound as mean as each other.

    SubhanAllah Allah swt saved you from this potentially toxic marriage, I know its hard but be thankful for this as many are not so lucky. You are NOT in anyway being 'unfaithful' to him by marrying. Whatever you had is over - you must accept it dear sis and so must he. He is married, your and his feelings do not matter. Leave him and his wife to it.

    I think you should try your utmost to stay away from him, avoid visits if you can (if you know he'll be there) dont look at him. Dont react to his and his wifes silly games. Dear sister you WILL move on InshaAllah. Be strong. If you can try to keep yourself as busy as possible.

    The real solution
    The truth is, we can offer advice but the only one who can help u is Allah swt. Dont lose hope dear sister, He's always here waiting and He understands and knows exactly how you feel. You are NEVER alone, He is always there. He loves you more than 70 mothers love their child and He wants to help you. But you are refusing His help dear sister. So mend your relationship with Allah. He has given you an opportunity.

    Salat (Prayer)
    Salat is the first thing we will be asked about dear sister, and is our connection to Allah swt. Leaving it is a big sin, but completing it is a big reward and it is for our benefit alone. When you pray regularly, Allah swt will put noor in your life. So the MOST IMPORTANT SOLUTION HERE is to pray. Just do your fardh. If you are finding it difficult to start doing all 5 prayers, do 2-3 and build up but please start dear sister.

    Mending your relationship with Allah
    Make sincere tawbah (for the sins you committed and for the prayers you missed) and know that Allah swt is the Most Merciful and He loves you more than anyone. If this pain will bring you back to Allah, it is a good thing. Do tasbih. If you are managing with your 5 prayers, wake up in the night and pray tahajjud (even just waking up 30 mins before fajr and praying 2 rakah is good) This is when Allah swt is even closer to us. So make dua, cry to Allah, ask Him to help you, talk to Him at this time especially. Ask Him to give you strength to move on. Reading Qur'an at this time is very very beneficial too.

    These two previous points are the most important - this is where you should start dear sister. Also know that you will move on, InshaAllah, it will take some time - but remember to turn to Allah. If you have strong faith no matter what happens to you, you will realise that this life is transient. Its over in the blink of an eye - nothing lasts except our deeds. You will not care about this guy on that day.

    Buy your ticket to Jannat dear sister and know that you are never alone, Allah is always there. If you need any further support/advice you can always write on here. Take this opportunity and never give up. This difficulty is Allah calling you back to Him and if you walk towards Him, He will run towards you. Know that for any pain or difficulty your family or this guy cause you - they are giving you some good deeds. Allah is watching and You will receive fair justice.

    Let go of this guy, do your salat, work on improving your emaan. Keep busy- volunteer if u can - do courses as long as activities are halal - do them! Keep busy.

    I pray that Allah swt makes you & us all happy in this life and the next, I pray that He eases your pain and guides you and gives you the best of spouses. Ameen

    Love u for Allahs sake sister, you will InshaAllah be in my duas.
    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Aslaam-u-alaikum Asma,

    I read your story and my heart cries out to you. I'm one to fully understand how you feel for a person because I love someone dearly too but there are many complications, but we are still trying to work it it out inshallah (not married to anyone else yet) so pray for us.

    But my only advice to you is that the exact thing that's eating you up inside which is that the one you love married your ex-relative should actually be a great sign to move on and realize that he was never worth it. Yes coming from your ex-relative it is cruel that she went on to marry him, but seriously why would your ex-man ever settle for her ?? Did he not realize before hand how this would make you feel ? A lot of times close or distant relatives slash each others feelings, but for the one you loved to go on and do something like this ...to me really amounts to the conclusion that he was truly not worth it. AND WHY O WHY do you feel any sense of obligation to him still? He married your relative, game over ....you don't owe him a penny worth of wafaa / loyalty. The absolute best thing for you to do is settle down with decent guy asap. Remember no amount of worrying can change the future and no amount of regret can change the past. Inshallah for your sacrifice I guarantee your life here in this world will be pleasant with time and surely much much greater in the hereafter, because as muslims we don't get all the reward for the good that we do in this world, but the greater half of it in the hereafter inshallah.

    A friend


  5. Assalamu Alaikum dear sisters Maria, Amy, and Sara!! Thank you very much for your very thoughtful replies. I posted my question a few months ago and I have eagerly been checking this website every day to know when my question would be answered and what responses I would get in order to improve my life. Alhumdulillah, for the past few weeks I have been praying alot more, listening to islamic songs, and I even began reading the quran and researching ayas and hadiths that will ease my depression and help me. For the past four months I constantly had Panic/Anxiety Attacks and I would need to lock myself in my closet or run and hide in my car when I am at school and try to calm myself down before I collapsed (this kept happenin every few days because my anxiety and depression kept escalating...the main reason for this was that my relatives keep gossiping about me and making up more LIES and telling their families & I just can't bear it any longer..i do understand that ppl talk when someone does something wrong but when they just make out lies to dishonor me it is just unbearable.) Alhumdulliah, these attackes have become less frequent since I began praying...now everytime I feel like I cannot breathe I run and pray to Nafl and cry to Allah (swt) to ease my pain and bring happiness to my heart.

    Another tribulation that I recently had to overcome in regards to my ex's situation is that my father told him years ago after he found out that we wanted to get married that he needed to get a degree or program where he will have a money (because at that time he used to work at a gas station). My ex took a few classes at a community college but dropped out: he had two years but he wasnt able to get into any programs. He did ask for two years more extension to study more after my dad rejected his proposal however, it was too late. However, now after he got married: he WON 2 MILLION DOLLAR LOTTERY!!! from the gas station where he worked. Right then he bought a very expensive house, cars, furniture and recently he bought his own gas station. Him, his mother, and his wife now torment me more now because of their riches. His mother also told my dad "sEE u rejected my son and now he has more money and riches then U" As soon as my father heard this he had a STROKE and he is now disabled for the past year and doctors say that he probably won't recover any more. {Also my mother passed away three years ago] Since i am the eldest and I don't have a mother anymore and since my father is disabled I have been taking care of him, my siblings, house chores. working, attending school, and having to deal with all of these horrible things and relatives that have happened in my life. Subhanallah, I do know that lottery is haraam however, honestly being a human being and especially after all this it has come into my heart that if Allah (swt) was going to give him the lottery then why did he give it to him after he married someone else, why not a few years bf when this was one of my fathers condition. Allah (swt) only knows and I keep trying to tell myself that maybe allah (swt) did this for some reason but it's hard to accept it when I hear my ex and his family ridicule me and my dad for rejecting his proposa [honestly this was one of the main factors that made me feel guilty and question my decision for not marrying him]...Anywayz I do know that nothing can be done now and I am trying to teach myself to forget this and move on...but Allah (swt) knows how hard this is and how much my heart has been suffering for the past five years.

    I do have another question to ask (srry for making this so long) but since my dad is disabled and my mom isn't here anymore, my father keeps telling me that if he doesn't recover fully like he was bf-he is in denial about his condition and is just waiting for some miracle to happen (& docs say he prob wont get much bttr) then my dad said he wants me to drop out of school right now and that he will never get me married because he wants me to take care of him: he tries to emotionally blackmail me every day saying that there are some daughters in the world who give up their happiness of marriage to take care of their sick parents for their whole lives- I dont know what to do...I have been and will continue taking care of him iA as much as my life allows me but I really feel that this is SO UNFAIR that my father keeps saying and is trying to do this to me: especially after everything that happened to me I believed and hoped that my father would marry me off right away to a good guy so I can move on and forget the past-however everything opposite keeps happening...now my dad doesnt want me to go to school and marry either and he keeps saying he's srry if he is being so selfish about this but he DOESN'T CARE!! because he demands and expects me to take care of him forever...what can I do? I really really want to get married now I am 23 years old and I just want someone who will love me (islamically) and support me: I dont have any love from anyone no mom, my dad doesnt care anymore, my sibings only care about their own happiness and my relatives keep gossiping nd hurting me...whts more is that my ex's mother keeps telling my dad its a good thing i dont get married so i can take care of him forever-she wants me to stay miserable forever....wht to do???

    salaam


  6. Thank you brother Ali for your very very nice reply...it has brought tears to my eyes knowing that someone in the word understands what I am going through and cares!

    • well sister asma!
      ALLAH bless you i knw what a pain are you in rest every one wd comme and show you what to do! dear you are really very nice allah bless you .. according to me he shd have fighted in that way by which he cd have convinced your parents!
      allah has given us the right that we can marry the ones who we love! and no body can force us this is quran .and rest we can make our parents understand if we raise true statemnts they will get us married to the ones whom we love!
      bt now dnt do this! if he left you and married somone else you shd also move one! dnt worry allah will send you ur bezt one !
      i knw what this pain is!
      he shd have been there for you if he wd have been till now may b ur parents wd have agrreed .we have to face the problems and we shd not run away!
      wellll allah bless yu sister

  7. There is no better half of anyone, noone completes you - this is just polluted western secular thinking arising out of soap operas and movies. If you put your trust in people you will fall every time sooner or later be it parents, siblings, friends, spouse whetever, put your trust in Allah & will not disappoint you.

    • This is so true. The western media has polluted the minds of many youths by giving them lines like "You complete me." Nobody can complete anyone, Allah(swt) has completed us all by giving us Islam. We are individuals who do not need another to make them feel important and loved if we only know that Allah (swt) knows we are important and loves us all.

  8. Assalamu aleikum my dear sister Asma.

    Know "Anthing that happens to you pleasant or unpleasant is something that was written down for you by Allah when you were in the womb of your dear mother that you would never avoid"...

    Difficulties and relation with Allah.

    Allah says:

    "Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?, But We have certainly tried those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars...29.2-3"..

    Comment:

    may be you have never seen these verses and you said I have been in Islamic college or School all of my life. Islamic studies are meant only to make person better Muslim/Muslimah and this kind of situation is needed very strong Muslimah who can take strong decision....by strong decesion I mean that you know difference between love and marriage also you must know as Muslimah the Islamic perception of QADAR (PRE-ESTIMATION)...

    You loved your relative and people did something, he did not marry to you HERE you must know that Allah did not write down for you to marry each other at this time instead Allah has written down for him that he marries to your female relative and gets his kids, whatever she did and you wait for what Allah has written down for you...THAT IS IT, STOP IT THERE...THIS IS CALLED QADAR IN ARABIC (IN KORAN).

    What you should do is tell your mind that is over and Allah the Creator of this world has decreed this decree, stop saying I love him, I will love him all over my life or why Allah has written down for me this and this or I lost believe in Allah. Be strong muslim lady and respect your Creator.

    If you say words like I lost believe in Allah and you can not be patient with your tests then you know you do not deserve Paradise as Allah said in above verses He only wanted to tell you that you are not strong enough to enter Jannah, to realize you this He sent you this man that you loved and because of him you stopped praying (ask yourself this my dear sister "why did you use to pray").....you should know you are Islamically very weak and you should build your faith before death...

    My respectful sister you said I have been very religious person, but my virtues adds only problem to me that is absolutely right consider these verses...

    "And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives (relatives, children, husband, wife, father, mother etc die) and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient. Who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return.""..2.155-156.

    Allahu akabr say to those your relatives who make you angry "Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return.""

    May be this guy was not good for you, perhaps you do not know.

    Allah says my sister:
    "Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not."-...2.216.

    About your future marriage try to tell your father that your marriage should be Islamic I mean he should not force you to marry his own marriage candidate instead you should be happy freely with that candidate otherwise you have right to say that you are not happy with that and refuse him and upon you is consult with your family and pious persons, imams, pious muslim ladies insha Allah...if he tries to force you to marry someone and you do not agree with him then..really it is too disaster and I do not know much about Pakistany culture other than Islam, so do what you think is right Islamically and consult with imams. Please my dear sister visit mosques constantly and pray to Allah to make easy for you insha Allah.

    May Allah guide all of us to right path.

    Sincerely your brother in Islam Abdullahi

  9. Asma I have read your latest post it is really really what Allah has said in His Kitab:

    ""Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not."-...2.216.

    ,because lottery is haram, if he had married to you he would have given you haram risq (food, shelter, cloth etc), look now masha Allah, Allah has saved you from this guy, as prophet pbuh said "The flesh that is raised with haram will end in hellfire"...subhanallah.

    Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillaah thousand times that He had mercy on you my sister. O Allah have mercy on all of us and guide us to the right path, as we do not know and you only know about our long term...aamiin.

  10. salam,

    why u care that he will be jealous when you will get married. He can die by jealousy and then what? are u seriously worried about him? so ull never marry while he is living his life with his family?

    look ahead, inshallah ull find a good man and have happy life


  11. Thank you for your replies. Inshallah I will try my best to follow your advice.

  12. Asalam alakum,

    Dear sister you seemed to be affected by love quotient which has bitten several youngsters like you.I don't really see there is any big issues which make you feel like ending your life.

    You met a guy who make you feel good and you also began to develop a feeling for him, that is bound to happen with anyone if you spend time alone with someone alone as he or she will give you all the attention.
    You are young and the hormone got better of you which is what people call "love".

    Your parents didn't approve of him as he was having anger issues or whatever reasons they have, you yourself
    said no when he and his family came over to your house with marriage proposal even though you decision what not entirely own but it was made and he is now married to one of your relative who might have crush on him and din't want you to marry him.

    Now the situation is that both seemed to spreading rumors about your affair which is false and making you feel bad and your are also some what jealous to see him married and having kids.

    Now what I suggest is that person might liked to sincerely and wished to marry you, but you don't go around spreading false rumors about someone you like do you. And it should not affect you what people say, people don't give a damn about such things and so should you.

    He is married now and still have feelings for you and so do you and doesn't seems to be too happy with the marriage, so you better be careful you are walking on very slippery path, that is not something you should be doing as it may lead to bad things, try to cut all tie with this man and his family just keep formality and no more.

    You seemed to worry about your father trying to marry you to any Tom Dick Harry from Pakistan, well thats not really something to worry about.

    You can say to your parents what type of man you are looking for in terms of education and understandability,
    I am sure your parents will appreciate that and look accordingly.

    You can meet the prospective husband before saying yes and find out whether he is proper match for you or not. I think the real problem is that you are still emotionally attached to him and feel like you betrayed him and don't want to marry, that's very wrong as you haven't betrayed him, you were in a relationship that din't work out that's it nothing more.

    You must move on and try to find some peace with friends and focus on study.

    You said you lost faith in Allah well that is something you should't say, how can you say that Allah is so kind and merciful to you more than others, can't you see around the world what sort of people are there how they survive.

    You seemed to have taken stance where you don't want to move ahead, take a deep breathe see around what nature has to offer, take a walk in park and you will love it, there are so much more in life and you are worried with this small issue.

    You must be graceful ti Allah that the person who wanted to marry may not be good husband as he has anger issue, he was not meant for you, Allah has someone special for you who will sweep you off your feet and you would say how stupid of me to be sorrowful for not having that guy when instead Allah have so much better person for me, who is understanding, caring and doesn't have any anger issue who is so calm so faithful so very Muslim.

    So time to cheer up and give life a second chance and enjoy what life has to offer instead to worry what was not meant for you.

    May Allah give you peace, enjoyment and good sense to understand what is good for you.

    May Allah give you the best husband who keeps you happy and both of you have all the joys of a married life.

    Allah hafiz. 🙂

  13. Dear Sister Asma
    I am sorry you been through a difficult time. Firstly sister Allah has saved you from a situation that was never meant to be and why would you even care if he won the lottery or not. You lost your mum, you the eldest, your dad’s disabled sister please count your blessings with a big (thank you) you have not suffered the hands of this man after marriage who you said got anger issues. You haven’t lost anything you have to be strong and be strong for yourself, support your dad be a good daughter with your head held up high, be the most supportive to your dad and talk to him more talking to your dad will help trust me your pain will heal and then you look back and think what was all that why did I even feel sorry for myself. Please do not think about suicide focus your mind on activities you could do like exercise, reading the quaran, namaz, reading books, learning to cook, seeing friends etc. You basically fallen for someone who was not good enough for your parents and was never made for you to begin with don’t blame your parents they only wanted what was best for you. It was no fault of yours people who hurt you will have it coming to them allah see’s everything. You should concentrate in having more sabr (patience) in you then you will come in peace and pain will heal in time inshallah. Someone is always made for someone and then within time you will move on. I wish you all the best for the future.

  14. Salaams,

    Ideally, in this situation where your father needs so much assistance your siblings would help you in taking care of him. Of course it hurts that not only does it appear you are taking the majority of the responsibility in his care, but that others are teasing both you and him for what has happened.

    Right now it may appear that your future seems bipolar: You will either spend your life as a single woman taking care of your father, or you will have to be selfish and leave him to fend for himself while you pursue your goals of marriage and education. Let me remind you that those are not the only two possibilities of what could happen. Insha'Allah you could meet a man who has a good spirit and cares for you enough to help you take care of your father while being married to you. He may even help support you and bear the load so you can do your studies part time. Perhaps your father would be more open to you marrying someone when he knows that he will still be taken care of by a good daughter and son in law.

    Or, with time your family members could begin to contribute more and ease the load on you, and that would in turn open up opportunities for you to focus on your goals. The bottom line is, with you being young, there is so much that could change in time that you shouldn't despair that what is going on right now is going to be permanent. For all we know, Allah may decide to heal your father and he makes a full recovery!

    Try to keep your patience while you watch your future unfold, and bear the trials of the mockeries you are hearing from others with the knowledge that whoever mocks one who is being dutiful will be mocked themselves on the Day of Judgement. You are doing the right thing, keep trying to do the right thing as best you can and I believe Allah will bring you peace and support to carry out His decree for you now and for the future.

  15. Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle (peace be upon him) said, "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials." [Bukhari Book 7 Volume 70 Hadith 548]

    Your Welcome Asma

  16. Assalamu aleikum sister Asma

    This post is about your father, people are good to understand one principle "When a man gives another`s right , he gets his right"...

    By this I mean your rights are to get married and have children, if the ONE (Allah) who gives this rights allows you. Your father`s rights upon you are to care of him and help him in his life as good as you can.

    There is not obedient to disobedient to Allah, so Allah has given you those rights and no body has right to take off them from you. If your father is selfish and do not allow you to marry anybody that his selfishness and you are not recommended to follow his lectures, because this MAY LEAD YOU TO HARAM AND HARAM MAY LEAD YOU TO HELLFIRE, IN HELLFIRE THERE IS NO FATHER NOR MOTHER, BUT ONLY YOUR DEEDS, SO NOW YOU UNDERSTAND THAT OBEYING YOUR FATHER IN HIS SELFISHNESS IS DISOBEDIENT TO ALLAH...

    Sorry, if I said your father is selfish, but I am only to make you realize that this is not solution to your father`s life nor to yours, since when you are not given your rights, you can not help your father as you think your father is enemy to your life as he does not give your rights. If he had given you permission to marry someone may be your children would have helped him at this time, so what he is doing is not fair and WE DO NOT ACCEPT ANY UNFAIR TO OUR SOCIETY.

    Jazakallahu kheiran...remember all of us in your sincere dua insha Allah.


    • Inshallah brother Abdullahi I will keep you and all of the other members on this website and all the Muslimeen throughout the world in my duaas. I am happy to know, after what you have stated above that I do have the RIGHT to get married even though my father does not want me too. He keeps trying to 'emotionally blackmail' me into feeling tht I am selfish for wanting to get married instead of taking care of him for my whole life. I am just praying to Allah (swt) that he softens my fathers heart and improves his health so he will be able to live a better life and will allow me the opportunity to happily get married with HIS blessings inshallah.

      May Allah (swt) give all of you reward for helping me during my time of need.
      Asslamu Alaikum

  17. Assalaamu alaikum dear sister Asma.
    Alhumdulilah that you have started praying! As long as you hold on fast to your obligatory salat (5x) then my dear sis you are a winner. I wanted to post a few hadiths and reminders.
    Remember that this life is short and it is better to be the wronged than the one who wrongs,as you will receive reward rather than having to give yours InshaAllah.

    "...Bear with patience whatever befalls you...." (Qur'an 31:17) and "Be not sad, surely Allah is with us." (Qur'an 9:40)

    Read more: http://mudassirsworld.blogspot.com/2009/07/verily-after-hardship-comes-ease.html#ixzz1EuQE6RHM

    It seems that Allah swt is testing you a lot dear sis. So rather than thinking of this as a bad thing, there must be some good in them for them to have befallen you. Allah swt tests those that He loves, so this a sign that He must love you a lot dear sister.

    Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."

    This trial will InshaAllah remove many sins. It may also be a means for Allah swt to elevate a persons status in Jannat - so please remember this dear sister.

    Verily, with hardship there is relief" (Qur'an 94:6)

    This trial will not last forever. I truly believe that Allah never closes a door on us without opening a window.

    May Allah swt give you strength as you are doing so much!
    I also wanted to say Islam is a way of life. Giving up your life to take care of your father would be a sin dear sister, regardless of what he says. Marriage is half of your deen, so please dont let him pressure you into giving up your life. (Education is important as well, so I advise staying in school until you have graduated.) However, of course you must still be respectful to your father and take care of him when you can. But it is unfair of you to do this alone.

    Maybe try speaking to your father nicely if he continues to blackmail you. Hes probably scared as his life is changed, he may be afraid of being 'left behind.' Remind him nicely that you love him and will always be there for him, but you can't sacrifice your whole life in such a way. You have a duty to please Allah swt as well - and part of Islam is living. I dont know how old your siblings are but if they are not kids or babies, try to encourage them to help even in small ways. This should InshaAllah encourage them to start helping. I pray that Allah swt helps you and gives you the best solution to this problem!

    May Allah swt give you happiness in this life and the next.
    You are in all of our duas
    Sara
    IslamicAnswer.com Editor
    x

  18. Dear sister

    Your issue is very hard on you and i understand what you are going through its difficult situation.1.
    1.Relative Gossip
    Sister you musnt care about what your family talks about you. Why are you torturing urself because of wat they say. Even my cousins, uncles, aunties gossip about my mother, my brother about me but i couldnt care less of wat they think. You should be happy he way u are and happy as who you are. There is going to be ppl in this world who is going to talk about you and you can't stop everyone from backbiting and slandering its just the way it is. You musn't grieve over what ppl say about you there sins increase and your sins decrease you are following allah swt the creator. Sister your family or relative may be jealous of you. So dont care bout wat ppl say, i used to be exactly like u, use to grief over wat ppl said to me. But now i couldnt care less cause why should i make myself suffer while the backbiter is rejoicing. One thing is dont ever show reaction even when ur hurt, if u do they will constantly do it.

    2. Father and marriage
    Now ur father is doing a wrong thing not letting u married, but just imagine wat he feels if u were in his shoes. He lost his wife and he may think that if u marry he lose u as well and no one would take care of him. You must be kind to him and say to him i need to get married as islam highly recommends it. Tell him u will take care of him even when u married and you will always be there for him. Your father may be regretful over not marrying the boy with u but u must give him strength and calm him down and ask him to get u married and asking him question why wont you allow me to get married.

    3. The boy and his wife
    Now this boy has caused you alottttt of problems. you may regret not marrying him now but later on you wont. Love is hard it can be cruel and painful but also beautiful and peaceful. Allah is testing you alot which means he loves you and who knows he may bring a husband to you soooo much better than you expect, even better than him if u remain patience. This boy is married and there is no way u can get him let him out. he as 2 kids u must understand if he leaves his wife and two kids how do u think the children react, There life will be destroyed. If this boy was so kind and sweet he wouldnt of married another in order to make u jealous n especially with the women who gossips about you. His wife is allowed to kiss him cuz its her hsuband she may do it infront of u maybe cause she may be scared of losing him. U must leeave them alone do watever you can to not see them anymore. And in time your feelings will fade just like mine did to a person i loved and thought i could never get over but i did with the help of allah. Let him go

    4. Islam
    never stop praying be constant with ur pray and dua to allah for help he is always there for u remain patient he will eventually bring relief. when there is 1 distress there is two relief so remain patient pray, dua and everything will be fine.
    hopefully this helps you may correct me if im wrong anyone allah have his blessings on you
    allah akbar

  19. sister Asmaa

    leave your female relative who has levelled you to the ground to Allaah, he will take care of her for you, in this world, and in the hereafter if she does not get on her knees and cry for your pardon.

    the prophet[saww] said Allaah will punish a person for two kinds of sins before he punished him in the hereafter.and that is Al-baghy [oppression] and 'uquuq al waalidayn [undutifullness to parents].

    wallaahi, if i was that lady, my knees would not be able to hold me up out of fear.
    because Allaah is the most terrifying,severe.powerfull enemy anyone could have.
    because you do not know where Allaah is going to attack you from.children, relatives, parents, illness, poverty.

    "and none knows the soldiers of your lord but he"
    surah mudathir.

  20. I don’t want to read any above comments,. because i am undergoing same situation, my girl married to someone else after 7 years of relation with me. she married to someone selected by her dad just for parents happiness.

    Now I want to tell you whatever you did is wrong,. You betrayed him , and every bewafa has curse of Allah(swt). you are no exception to it. Bewafayi is really very big crime in Islam.

    without guts you must not have agreed to love anyone, in love,. nothing is bigger than love. now allahs torment is showering on you, you must ask for forgiveness from Allah every night and day and better you change your present location.

    When girls think about their parents happiness, why do they forget their lovers happiness, that’s biggest mistake.

    Anyway All the best.

  21. Assalamu Alaikum,

    This is asma and I really appreciated all of your advices and replies. For the past 3 years now I stayed away from my ex cousin, his wife, and all the relatives. I went through alot of emotional trauma however I did my best to stay strong. For a while, I became very sucidal because of my depression...I was about to commit suicide 5 times because (my father and brother began tormenting me, beating me up when they were upset, along with the ex cousin and relatives constant torments) however, everytime I was about to hurt myself the thought of Allah (swt) came into my mind at the last minute and how displeased he would be with me...so Alhumdulillah I stopped myself and prayed to god to send me a good husband right away so I will be able to leave all these problems and be able to move on happily in my life. About 6 months ago my aunt found a proposal for me.. the family's met ...and.the adults said that in order for us to get to know one another we were allowed to talk and email each other...we did for a while and for the first time in 3 years I felt like I could finally move on with this man...for the first time ever in three years I forgot my ex cousin and I my eyes began to open and see how stupid and foolish I was for caring sooo much about someone that wasn't even worth it...I felt like allah (swt) had answered my prayers...after 2 months of deliberation my family agreed and we got engaged. I was very happy after sooo many years....however a few days after the adults found out some bad news about the guy...he had a very bad past and there were serious things that the adults could not overlook so they called off the engagement. I was heartbroken, embarrased, and sooooo hurt! I didnt understand why this would happen to me again....for 2 weeks I wasnt able to leave my room because I was really depressed....my fiance kept trying to get in contact with me through calls and emails however i did not reply....however after a few weeks I became weak and vulnerable and I made the second biggest mistake of my life (that I now deeply regret) I picked up the phone and listened to his explanation...he told me that he would find a way to convince the familys and it would work out...I was very hesitant at first but a part of me really needed someone there for me...so I listened to him....I am ashamed to say but for a few weeks I kept in touch with him and he said that he would make it work....however when my family contacted their family again my family said no they could not overlook the past and they once again said offically no....I told 2 of my adults in private that I was still in contact with him and they cursed me and told me that I ruined my own reputation with my own hands the second time in a row...I do realize that I did make a horrible mistake again and that after all the pain and suffering I went through...it is true that I was stupid and foolish to fall into the words of another man....I just felt that since this time the adults found him and that he sounded so convincing that somehow i would finally be able to get married....the guy promised me that he would try his best and he would never tell his family that we still kept in touch...however I learned that he actually told his whole family that we talk and email and showed them proof that I still wanted to marry him and tht he wanted his family to keep trying....I was soooo hurt to learn this because I made him promise me at least 10 times that he wouldnt bring my name in the middle but he did....now his family and mine both think soooo low of me and it is true I did ruin my reputation again....I am soooooo ashamed of myself....everything is done and after I told my adults they told me not to speak again to him and honestly i have not....however HE is still causing problems at his house with his family....and I am sooo scared now...I cannot look myself in the mirror again and especially dont know how I will ever be able to face my family....I realize that it was my fault i should have NEVER talked to him again after the engagement broke...i was foolish and weak...I have been praying HAJAH (prayer of need) and crying to allah to forgive me and protect me...i feel soo bad that i allowed myself to get into this situation again....if i didnt then maybe both families would not have to deal with soo much embarrassment...after all these years of being strong within a matter of months i let myself drop so low again...i dont know what will happen in the future for proposals or anything...but I do fear that I have ruined my whole life...I dont know what else besides praying for forgiveness and fasting that I can do...plz once again give me some advice...I am really lost...

  22. Walaikum-Aslaam Asma,

    It is nice to hear from you, although i have to say I'm not liking what I am hearing. Let me tell you something in clear words. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG BY TRYING TO MOVE ON AND GIVING THIS MAN A CHANCE. Keeping in touch over the phone or e-mailing is NO REASON for Humiliation. You really need to give your self a break here, and stop being so hard on your self. Asma I think you really need to filter out what your family accuses you of, you alone can judge yourself the best. I think you did the most NORMAL thing anyone can do in your situation which is give someone else a chance, but unfortunately seems like there's nothing normal about your family. I dunno what else to say at this time, i mean I was ready to fall asleep and i saw youre message and i am instantly replying to it....so you know there are people out here who care. Asma, there is a lot of uncertainty in this life, but one thing is for certain, you will be rewarded for your patience, in this life or the hereafter. You are a very special person to all of us here, we wanna see u strong. I have to say you really need to stop depending on others to rescue you, I think your being your own worst enemy right now than others by thinking so low of yourself. No one will believe in you if you stop believing in your self

    Take Care for now, I will follow up with some more specific advice inshallah.

    Ali Khan

  23. Salaam

    Thank you brother Ali for replying...I have been working on improving my self confidence and self esteem for some time now..you are very right that I have always depended on others to stand up for me...I get nervous and scared of what others think and get influenced by their opinions very quickly however I have been asking allah (swt) to help me with this weakness of mine and to be stronger, independant, and only rely on Allah (swt). I must say that Alhumdulliah I have been keeping up with my daily prayers, reading more quran, and listening to more islamic lectures and nasheeds and by Allah (swt) grace I have been feeling soooo much better lately...more relaxed...and confident that everything will be okay...It's so surprising to me but I have this good feeling that Allah will help me inshallah...It is so true what allah (swt) says..."only with the remembrance of allah do hearts find rest." Mashallah I am a witness to this myself 🙂

    Can you please give me more specific advice about my situation...I will really appreciate it

    Waslaam
    Asma

  24. Assalamu Alaikum

    Brother Ali can you please post the detailed response that you were going to write...

    -Asma

  25. Bismillahir RahmanirRaheem

    My dear sister Asma, Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakataha.
    First let me just say that I'm sorry that your going
    through so much difficulty in your life.
    You really shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
    The first guy you loved was a train wreck waiting to happen.
    Your parents didn't approve of him
    and he committed a big sin by playing the lottery.
    Think of how your life would be then.
    You did nothing wrong by listening to this other man's
    explanation. Although Islamically its best
    for two potential spouses to
    have relative distance, I truly don't think you should
    be so
    hard on yourself.
    It seems nowadays that people want to make the
    haram easy and the
    halal IMPOSSIBLE.
    You have a PURE intention.
    You wish to marry a pious Muslim
    man in order to be a better Muslima.
    NOTHING wrong with that.
    Know that ALLAH (swt) tests us
    in different ways.
    And that we will NEVER
    truly know the justice of
    ALLAH (swt). But sister Asma
    don't ever lose hope in ALLAH (swt)'s
    mercy. Always ask yourself whenever
    you wish to pursue and endeavor
    "Will this bring me closer to ALLAH (swt)?
    or drive me away from ALLAH (swt)?
    ALWAYS ask yourself that one question
    before pursuing anything.
    Look for a Muslim man who prays and TRULY, TRULY
    BELIEVES IN ALLAH (swt).
    A Muslim man who ACKNOWLEDGES
    a Muslim woman's rights and knows the
    limitations. Insha'Allah such a man WOULD
    NEVER abuse or hurt you.
    Have faith my dear sister.
    Remember what our Holy Prophet
    Muhammad (SAAW) said;
    "My Ummah is like a body.
    If one part of it feels hurt.
    The entire body feels that pain."

    Insha'Allah I'm here for you sister.
    So you don't have to feel like
    your alone.
    Continue to PERFORM NAMAZ AND
    FAST AND READ THE HOLY QUR'AN
    LISTEN TO RECITATIONS OF THE HOLY
    QUR'AN. Also go take a drive to a park or
    to a secluded area where you can observe
    nature and ponder about the creation of
    ALLAH (swt). That will TRULY bring
    peace to your heart Insha'Allah.
    Have faith my sister.
    =)

  26. Thank you brother for advice. I really appreciate it.

    • sister asma do you have an e-mail or an sn i could reach you at? i must tell you more Inshallah.

      • Salaams,

        Please note that we do not permit the exchange of personal emails on this site. If you have any advice to give, it can be posted publicly on this thread

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  27. Salaam brother! Since the editors have stated that it is not permitted to give out personal emails I would still love to gain more knowledge and advice from you..if u are able to post it on this forum..I will appreciate it as I come on this website daily alhumdulillah

    -Asma

  28. Have faith in Allah (swt) sister asma. Know that HE (swt) will help you through this. If you want check out my youtube page. Just go to youtube and search "Arweto01" as i give some inspirational advice on there.

  29. Thank you brother! I will check out the videos.

  30. Brother nawaid your videos are excellent..they have given me a lot of knowledge and understanding of Islam...I really appreciate your help as well as everyone elses advice who have put so much effort into helping me..jazakallah!

    Ps. I don't have a YouTube account so I wasn't able to reply there

    Wasalam
    Asma

  31. Assalamu Alaikum,

    Asma sister Alhamdulillah, you have shared your story, thank you very much, i feel and think that you have taken a right decision after knowing that before marriage talking or spending time with any one is harram. then you have asked forgiveness from your parents and mashallah kept there words and respected them may allah reward your efforts. Allah subhanahutallah showers 70 mother blessing and mercy upon every humans , in that you have already got your mercy , blessing and hope you gave to your parents. please stick on to your promise and words given to your parents. and let go whatever happened you know something that the greatest gift that allah subhanahutallah gave to humans are to forget and forgive and The Prophet (saws) said, that the best deed to do is to forgive for the sake of Allah subhanahutallah . how will you forget those past deed / memorise is by being true to yourself and to your creator instead of licking your past wound which may not help to face your present and future situation of yours and your parents and siblings if you have. i think it is a test and help from allah , parent and relatives to over come whatever happened / happenning to make you stronger in your words and deeds you said to your parents .please sister parents knows the best for your future. it times to make your deen, to follow sunnah in mature mannerand may Allah subhanahutallah help you to be firm in every decision .

    jazakallah khair
    sister

    • thank u!

      • Asma,

        Recite Surah Hashr for 11 days after Fajar paryer, InshaAllah Allah would take u out from this troublesome situation, it's not only u but all of us facing same problems.It's just that our story's are same but characters are different! You have to stop accusing yourself for all the bad things happening to u! That's all circumstantial! Even If I was in your place I would have done the same! You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself, take it as a learn-able experience, whenever I am put into a hard situation I take it as a test and later when I get out of it I feel like I passed my test! All the incidences must have made u more mature plus u have learnt that life isn't bed of roses!

        My dear sister, never loose hope! Allah is the best planner , maybe he has planned happiness and joyful life a head.Every night is followed by a day! Stay steadfast!

  32. FULLY READ THIS COMMENT
    Sister,beware of shaythan.He is Allah's enemy and your enemy .Be patient .Allah says in the Quran that he never burdens a soul beyond its capacity.So you have a big problem .That means you are a strong woman.And Allah also says in the Quran that ,after every hardship comes ease,so there, by Allah's grace there certainly will come a solution for your problems.Know one thing Allah tests those who love him.He will test whether you are worth for his love.If you remain patient,that's it ,you will become very precious in Allah's sight.Allah will test good people but will not let them go down.So Allah is testing you.Be steadfast in your faith in Allah .youve done a big mistake by leaving ur prayers .U shouldn't have left your prayers.Just think for a minute.Is your difficulties more painful than the difficulties given to AYUUB alaihissalam.Even though his pain was great ,he did not lose hope in Allah.Thats why he got everything he lost.So keep ur trust in Allah,he will compensate for you only if you have faith in him.Allah has the power to do anything.As for the jealous relative your choice is to forgive her so that you gain a great position in the sight of Allah .Dont worry if she gossips about you ,she's just erasing your sins.I hope u understand my sincerity in advising you.BUT REMEMBER SUICIDE IS NOT THE SOLUTION TO ANY PROBLEM.Things keep on changing .Everyday will not be the same.So please do not choose to suicide.I have more to say but I cud not bcoz of the lack of time.I have very poor English knowledge so please forgive me if I have made mistakes.Thank you for fully reading tis comment

  33. Assalamu Alaikum,

    What ever bad happens is for a reason you feel like you have missed out on something. In truth love is the one thing that eases pains and hatered erases love altogher, so the best thing for you to do is think of it as the past no point to holding onto something that could never happen if it looked like it could. I have read/ heard somewhere that thinking if is haraam (as certain things have to happen). Moving away from islam was a distraction you brain made to protect you due to you not acheiving it, its quite natural for everyone your not alone. This caused you to spiral downwards till your soul felt crushed/concious so you drifted from islam and thought that Allah did not care about you (thats impossible, Allah is testing you, the harder it is in this life the easier it is in the next). Now as a practical person you should know after the worst situation, things get better its just how you see them. First you need to pray to Allah and ask for forgiveness, help, blessing and strenght to make your concious and heart fell better and pure, it takes i pray and your pain reduces. Then ask for you oppressors life to be filled with light, so they feel guilty and try to cleanse themselves. Go out do stuff independantely this will make your soul and brain feels much better/ praying regulary will make you feel a sense of accomplishment from the first day and does wonders for your brain you will feel physically and metally strong. There must have been a really bad habbit you done to reduce the pain some people punish themselves others do things that give them pleasure but obbsesively as i did sinful things (may Allah forgive me), stop that that always gives guilt, its hard to quit but you can just remember your innerself is confident, strong and amazing thats how Allah made you. Tell your mom only that she was right about the guy, that if he loved you no matter what he would not have married someone else. Then your mom will probally tell your siblings that your better in a sense part of the family again by being nice to you, this will make your siblings feel more loved like before towards you and defend you when other relatives try to oppress you. Once you see this tell them your sorry about whats happened and this will make them closer to you and support you and give you sercurity. As i cannot comment about whats in others heart (the person you loved and his wife) do not show any changes between them as by their arrogance/insolence they could ruin everything again for you (in family terms). Once you have achieved this you wil be stronger and do not be oppresed by you parents if you think you right, but keep patience instead. I would seriously recommend that for a short period of time you get some alone time like make or visit some new freinds, this will make you happy and forget the past as your head is trapping you and you will not feel confident enough but do it anyways and your confidence will sky rocket and make you a better person/muslim. If you see you oppressors i.e your ex or his wife complement the children so that they know they cannot oppress you any more, as parents their greatest streght and weakness is their children and in this way being nice is a charity of the heart and Allah will like this In sha Allah. By this stage you should be, strong, confident, a good person/muslim and In sha Allah be happy and anyone of those qualities will make a smile appear on your self. Do understand this a human you are highly respected, loved by Allah and therefore have obtained a high status already even animals know this but you have to keep yourself high by your actions and your strenghts. It is a sin to let yourself be oppressed and do non islamic stuff (such as feeling pity on yourself, feeling depressed) no matter who does it brother, sister or parent you only bow down to Allah no-one else and Muhammed (SAW) is his messanger. So keep yourself strong your status has already been risen by Allah, first as a Human, then as a Wommen, then as a Muslim (i do not know the correct order sorry) so have one of the most powerful status granted t you by Allah. You are soo strong just remember that and if ever felt that your confidence is low just belive in yourself, Allah belives in you but you have to belive in youself and Allah to be the best you can be and then your life should be better In sha Allah and depression should never touch you. Its is said that the one that follows the last prophets life (may Allah send blessing on him and his family) and the quran can never go astray so if you follow these principles i am sure you will never astray and will get the happiness you deserve In sha Allah. Any thing that you think i have written could be wrong so you should check the quran to be sure as my intensions are pure but i can get things wrong. Allah will guide your concious just keep your concious/soul alive their is a dua you read on fridays for 15 fridays to get a divine light in you heart you should also look into that and read the first kalma whenever you feel down. I hope that i have helped you in any manner, I am telling you how to become stronger in order to be stronger. Pain, love and disappointment are different but are easy confused. Know this you are strong and Allah knows this too, love and obey Allah and these dieases in you heart shall be removed, the veils infront of your eyes shall be removed and you shall be loved by Allah, therefore everything that Allah loves shall love you. May Allah help you and give me blessings along with all of you and thankyou for this oppertunity for self purification and another way you can do this is by dua's daily if wanted to Allah likes duas. May Allah grant you all happiness In sha Allah.

  34. Hey asma the same is happening with me

  35. Beloved sis Asma, Allah loves those test, if Allah loves you more than the rest, He will test you more than the rest.

    I feel your pain and I can relate, I wish I could give you a hug, I cried while reading your story.

    I had a similar experience, my relatives didn't want me to marry his because he came from a poor family except for my father and brother.

    My relatives turned against me and treated me a my children as low class, the humiliation kept going worse until my husband also abandoned and humiliated me and my kids for another woman he believed was better than me.

    What do you expect? I would be ridiculed by my relatives, my ex made me loose my self worth and self esteem. He was always throwing it to my face with him being much happier with her, just like your story he was miserable with her because she was a real terror, I wasn't left out she would text and abuse me all sorts of nasty, irritating and negative words.

    My ex was pretending to be happy but was very miserable.

    To give you hope and to cut a long story, he has divorced her three times and and telling everyone that I am his true wife his best friend, his advice etc he wants to come back but is ashamed.

    NB: I didn't just wait to happen but I was always praying intensively and trying very hard to be patient, I keep putting my trust in Allah and believe the torture will soon come to an end.
    I took it as a test from Allah, if Allah didn't want it to happen to me, He would have prevented it but He made it happen He has His reasons and knows what's best for me.

    I was hurt and wished it never happened but now I thank Allah that it happened there are slot of wisdom's in the trials we go through.

    May Allah ease your affairs beloved sis.

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