Husband says he feels no affection or love for me
assalamualaikum brothers and sisters.
I am in need of some advice. I have been married for 2 years now. We have had our problems on and off. We have a baby together. He has recently told me that he is only with me because of our child and that he feels no affection or love, but he says he will not get a divorce unless I want it too. He says that he can remain normal with me. I cook and clean and do my wifely duties the best I can, but he still can pick at the most little things which make him angry. He has been unemployed for a while and I was nagging him a lot, that's how this confrontation all happened because he used to just neglect me and stay in the room by himself and play games. I don't know what to do.
Please advise, should I agree to a divorce because he has no affection or love for me?
-mcarr
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Wa 'alaykum assalam sis. Dear sister he may have made mistakes, but u also made the mistake of nagging at him, u should advise him in a gentle and loving manner, that too when his mood is good. Anyway sis dont start feeling too guilty, we all makes mistakes, just try to correct it now, apologise to ur hubby and tell him u will change for him in sha Allaah. Make him feel appreciated, loved, understood and special. Men love being appreciated, tell him how u appreciate the good he does, even if its just him getting the shopping.
I feel that itll be a good idea for u to two to learn more about islam together, how muhammad peace be upon and khadija's radiallahu anha love and relationship was like and so on, if u get closer to Allaah together ur relationship as a couple will get stronger in sha Allaah, and we should worship Allaah and try to get close to Allaah anyway and try to get our spouses to do so too. Also try to get a good raqi or u yourself and ur hubby do ruqya, just in case ur relationship is sour coz of magic or jinn possession. if u do get a raqi to do ruqya then try to make sure that he does ruqya that is in 100% accordance to quran and sunnah. Plz watch diaries of an exorcist on youtube, its vital dear sis.
If u try to be the best wife possible and say sorry to your hubby for the nagging u did in the past and keep patience then may be he will fall in love with u in sha Allaah. Im sure u hv tried but i think its worth trying more sister for a while. Learn how to express ur views and feelings in an effective manner, where ur point will get across but hopefully without it making him feel as tho he is being nagged at. Learn about how men are different in their way of communication to us women, this is very crucial, its important that the couple know how the opposite sex can be different to us, we need to realise that they have different needs and need to be communicated with differently too sometimes and so on. Also learn the different ways to please husband, always smile at him. I would love to help u on a one to one basis, but im not allowed to give my email address on here, if the admin allows then id like to help u.
If u try ur best and still he doesnt change, despite ur change, then do istikhara for this matter. Try once again sis for ur relationship to work out, make a lot of dua, and if his hot temper remains the same and ur fed up and u want to then ask for khula, that okay. Afterall, u dont want to be an empty nest relationship forever, and u wouldnt want ur child to see u depressed, so if things dont change and ur not happy, then go ahead sis.
Hope things get better for u soon sis x
And Allaah knows best
Brother,
Nagging can be a good thing especially when your husband is in his bedroom like a ten year old boy playing games when he needs a job! Last time I checked, playing games does not pay the bills or buy food.
Why should she apologize ....for what? For telling him to get off his games? He should apologize and get down and kiss her feet and thank her for being the mother of his child.
She should change for him? Why? He should grow up.
Men feel good when they feel appreciated...well, so do women! How is she supposed to appreciate her husband when he tells her he feels no love or affection towards her?! Yet, he expects her to cook and clean for him...really?! I'm sure he has no problems visiting her in bed either even though he says he feels nothing for her. Sounds like an amazing guy...not.
This man has not a clue what marriage is, that is why he is so willing to throw everything out the door. Marriage is commitment and respect...this man is clueless to the meaning of the words. She can do better.
Salam
"get down and kiss her feet" - I don't think that's allowed in Islam? And I don't know why any man would do that anyway. What's wrong with an apology and a hug?
Brother,
When I say he should get down and kiss her feet, I am speaking in a metaphorical sense.
Brother, please tell me so I can understand. Why should the sister apologize? I keep hearing this repeated by other posters as well but I am at a loss to understand. Why should a woman...any woman for that matter, apologize to her husband for asking him to get off his rear end and look for work? Surely Allah would be displeased with any man who is willing to sit and play games while his wife is concerned about food, a child and so on. Would you not agree?
You say, "whats wrong with an apology and a hug?". I agree with you one hundred percent. This man should turn his game off and come to his wife and apologize to her for not being a good husband...a sloth if you will. He is not acting like a man who has a family with responsibilities. As for the hug...why? He has already told her he has no interest in her so why would he even want to hug her? Better yet, why would she want a hug from him? He says he feels no affection or love so I just don't see the point in the hug. She would be better off saving that hug for her child who I am certain will cherish that hug more than anything in the world. Like I said, she can do better. No point in any man or woman being in a relationship where the other party is neither appreciated nor respected.
Salam
I didn't mean for her to apologise to him but for him to her and yes you do have a valid point, however may I ask YOU a question.
If a husband is treating his wife like gold, keeps her happy and treats her with kindness yet still refuses to develop feelings for her...then what?
No I actually want someone else's opinion on that.
i totally agree with you najah.i fail to understand how can one be so irresponsible. men want to be head of family .......and then behave this way? job or jobless , your chararcter shows through both.
amin!
Sister,
I guess my question to you is why would you stay with an ungrateful man whom you have not only given yourself to but, given a child to as well? You cook and clean and still sleep with a man who has clearly told you that you mean nothing to him. What a jerk. Tell him to cook his own meals, show him where the detergent is and pack your bags. At this point, what he is saying is, "I'll let you cook and clean up after me and in return I will give you nothing but heartache". I would be walking out the door and I would take my dignity and self respect with me. You deserve to be loved and cared for. Let the little boy continue to play his games while you go on to better things which you sure as heck deserve.
Salam
sister you must not be married. Many married people go through phases n it does not mean that one person should just up and leave. Yes the guy made a mistake but the solution isnt to run at the first chance.
Shouldn't be married, how do U kno if she was once or twice married n got d same treatment, this man sounds like he has to learn how to respect his wife, n wots wrong with nagging him; he should be happy that she cares enough not to see him jobless n unhappy, I scold my two brothers for play these games non stop, y would a married man be offended by this, even if he felt nothing 4 d sister, was that the rite way to tell her. Men with their pride huh
Sister,
I have been married for thirty years by the grace of Allah.
A married man sitting in a bedroom with the door shut to play games when he does not have a job is by no means a phase. These are the actions of an irresponsible man who is choosing to ignore his duties as a husband to his family. This is by no means a mistake. He chooses not to provide for his wife and child by his inactions. He even has the audacity to tell his wife after she has bore him a child that he doesn't feel anything for her. This sister has nagged him and rightly so. What...is she just supposed to sit idly by and do nothing? She is nagging him because she doesn't know what else to do! I personally despise a man of this nature because in my eyes, he is not a man at all. He should have stayed at home with his mother if marriage to him is so insignificant. No sister deserves to live this way with her husband. No sister should ever be told to just suck it up and just do whatever pleases her husband at the cost of her health and dignity. May Allah guide all Muslim women to be strong and stand up for their rights and not be silenced just to make things fine and dandy when in fact they are not.
Salam
'' show him where the detergent is...'' LOL
Najah u r so funny. Love ur comment. I wish she says that to him.
If he is stressed and jobless he should look for a job and pray not play games and then say i have no feelings for u and im just living with u for the kid. Which kid? The 1 within him? Duh what a jerk!
Innit: Men always say this, but wen time passes by, they be in court fighting 4 the kid.
Moral: Men U should respect wot ur wives offers, y treat them like nothing in their homes yet U still want to have sexual intercourse with them. Nosense #jstmyopinion
hehehe...I couldn't help myself! I have never known anyone who found a job sitting and playing video games. The economy is bad that is true, however there are jobs out there...you just have to keep looking.
Assalamualikum, yeah I got khula divorce from the shariah court due to nonsupport and ex really just stays in the room lets say 8 months in a row in a year but I am outside for 12 hours in a day working. Child is on my custody but he is fighting for his son, according to him my son is his property and that he should be with his father, adding that mothers have no right over his children.
But when child support is being talked about, loud and clear he says why he will supprt when the mother of my son is working. Such a joke.
He wants his son because now he has no work, no savings, nothing. When my son becomes big he will work forhis fathers living.
Sister,
I am certain the courts would love to hear how your husband views his son as his property. A cow is property, a home is property...a child is not property. May Allah guide you and help you in your struggles.
Salam
Whatever the case might be but the father has undeniable rights towards his children.They are his children as well. Courts in western countries are unreasonably biased and discriminative towards the father.
And just to add.
There are muslim families in which the wife is the primary earner.They seem to get along very well.Perhaps there are females in this world whose respect of a man is not conditional upon his earning potential or ability.
Brother/Sister,
You are missing the point in regards to this sisters situation whereby her husband chooses to play games rather than look for work. A married man has a responsibility do you not agree to look after his wife and child? Of course there are Muslim families where there are women who are primary earners...that is their choice. They do not have to work if they choose not to however...a husband has an obligation per Islam to provide for his family. By sitting in the bedroom on the Xbox for example playing games whilst there is no food for dinner is insane. How on earth can a woman have any respect for her husband who doesn't care about her or their child? Behaving like a ten year old who has no responsibilities or obligation to his family is not acceptable.
You say, "Perhaps there are females in this world whose respect of a man is not conditional upon his earning potential or ability." I say, "Perhaps a man who is not mature enough to care enough for his wife and child and to do what Allah requires of him as a provider for his family, should stay single and home with his mother".
Salam
Brother/sister,
You say, "Courts in western countries are unreasonably biased and discriminative towards the father". What do you base this assumption on? On the contrary, a judge will only place a child where it is deemed to be in the best interest of said child. If the mother is an alcoholic and the father a drug user and it is shown to be factual in a court of law...neither parent is going to be going home with the child. If the father is a deadbeat dad with no job and no place to live...the father will not gain custody of said child as it is not in the best interest of the child. In custody cases, it isn't about what the mother or father want...it comes down to what is best for the child. I personally don't deem that discriminatory...I deem that the smartest and safest choice in the interest of the child.
Salam
Assalamualaikum,
Playing games can become an addiction which ensures that a person is cut off from the world and does not fulfil his/her obligations either in deen or dunya. Or at least s/he delays it. Age does not stop such attitude but what can stop is that a person finds something else to busy himself/herself and does not get access to new games or has no time to look for them.
So, sister, look for a way to separate him from his games. If he does not do a job, he will not feel the necessity or responsibility upon him, until he leaves games or reduces the time he spends with them. If he stops playing, he will do some or the other job (if he is like how men generally are).
If you leave him (which you should not), he may not feel as bad because he spends his time with the games, but he will also realize that he is dependent on what you earn. He may call you back for this reason and reunion just for this makes no sense. A marital relation demands love and compassion, it demands mutual respect and time for each other.
He IS acting childish, but because of the lifestyle he has chosen. If he finds a job for himself then the problem will be half solved in sha Allah, as he will be busy on job and come home tired after work, when you can bring a smile on his face and make him feel good and show him that the time he can spend with you is much enjoyable than his games.
But somehow, he should either be made to actively look for a job or he should be offered one by someone who knows him. Pray to Allah and act upon the Sunnah of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. Make dua so that he understands, ask Allah to open his heart. Make dua with complete trust in Allah. In sha Allah it will work.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister My advice is this:
-Don't take too serously what he said because of his situation. For a guy to not have a job is pretty serious emotionally for him. Men have a need to provide and feel they are productive.
Here's what I suggest you do:
-do NOT provide for him monetarily. He needs to feel the pain of having little to no money and move and do something even if its a job 'below' him.
-find a smooth way to cut off the internet so that his game playing can stop.
-Be very nice and patient.
The only sane advice that I read on this page.
100% Agree with you, He should n has to respect our sister
Sister,
It is such a coincidence my husband said the exact same words to me ' i am only living with u for the kids sake'. Because he was not providing for me for many years. He kept watching tv all day or going out with friends. I was pateint for 3 years!. Then i had to be a bit firm on him. If i told him to look for a job he says im nagging him. If i ask him to pray, im nagging. Im a bad wife he does not love me. But if i say nothing and continue to cook n clean and pay all the bills bymysekf then he loves me, i am his queen! Wow!.
He is emotionally blackmailing you because he wants his own way! How many years can u talk to someone jently and lovingly. ' honey please get a job'.reply ' i will tomorrow'. This can continue forever! When the gentle approach doesnt work you have to get firm. Then it hits them that your not a doormat anymore thats when they start playing games with you to buy more time and have their own way.
Sister get family involved and go through your rights as a couple. He needs to be told firmly that you will have no more excuses! You are fullfilling his rights so he needs to provide for you! He needs to get any job he can.
Najah,You said it all the way smart sister marsallah. He is not a man. Real man work to support his family no matter what. And top of all this he want to leave you omg!!! He should me greatful he has a wonderful wife like you who is still around. I know I wouldn't be. Lol.
Sister,
I know of a neighbor from Algeria who has a Ph.D in chemical engineering. He could not find work in his field of expertise so he drives a taxi to provide for his four children and wife. Is he a proud man because of it? Probably not however, he is able to put food on the table and pay the bills. Now THAT is a real man! Allah hu Akbar!
Salam