Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am truly happily married but we are sexually incompatible

My Husband; A gift from Allah.

Assalam alaykum

I hope everyone is in the best of health and eeman. My situation is as follows, I have been married for just over three years to my husband. We were both practicing Islam to the best of our abilities and did things through mahrams immediately I felt a strong connection to him. He was the most wonderful man and everything I had asked Allah to bless me with, before marriage he would visit my family, show kindness to my siblings, parents, he was such a loving and kind person. May Allah preserve him.

I set out on reading Islamic books so I could serve him in every way possible and aid us to becoming closer to Allah. When we married it was the most joyous day he was such a tender, affectionate husband. He took all my fears away and I had found my best friend. Three years down the line and our marriage has gone from strength to strength, in terms of our friendship and closeness. We are both very loving, we communicate, we spend time together, we are playful. Alhamdulilah I couldn't ask Allah for anything more than what he is to me and how in love we are. He is a religious man and this also attracts me to him because he is always reminding me of the good and tries to make our home one upon the quran and sunnah.

Now to my problem, which to an extent I am very shy even exists but does affect me and sometimes my feelings towards him. My husband has a very low sex drive and it seems over the years it has decreased. Just to clarify my husband and I do not practice any masturbation or acts that involve being alone or anything as we believe strongly that this is forbidden and haram. As Allah orders us to protect our private parts except from our wives/husbands. However I have always overloooked this because he is a wonderful man and I would never consider leaving him for this. The problem is I spend a lot of time with my husband, he comes home right after work, then he is sat in a room studying Quran/Books, if not he is at the masjid, or we are together. We have lots of hobbies we do together and he helps alot around the house. So I know nobody else is involved or anything untoward with a great certainty.

We have discussed this because it is such that I would like to have sex everyday or every other day and sometimes we don't have sex for a month. This is extremely tiring for me because as we lay closely every night I try to move closer but he will kiss me affectionately and say 'darling I can't, I love you so much' and hold me tightly. I cannot be angry with such a man but sometimes the feelings cause me to feel resent. When I bring it up he says he will try more and if we are lucky it will be every two weeks, but this really does not satisfy me. He is an attractive well built man and his daily kindness makes me more attracted. He doesn't have any physical problems or issues with intercourse and when we do he is very keen to put me first in everything. He just says that in his mind, he rarely feels like sex, he doesn't understand it himself. For those who might mention my appearance, I have a good figure which I take care of for him even though I know he isn't interested in relations. I always come to bed smelling good, with my hair taken care of, and wearing something that is comfortable yet appealing just in case he ever feels like it. At first I blamed myself thinking I wasn't attractive but I know that is not true, he often tells me how beautiful I am and that the problem is his. When we do talk about it, he feels very ashamed and can't understand why this is like it is, he took up exercising more and eating really healthy to no avail. I love him regardless but wanted some advice if anyone experienced it, as I always thought men always wanted to have relations, the stories its always about women who refuse, thats even the emphasis on the ahadeeth.

Sorry for the length, I just wanted you all to really understand the circumstances to help you answer.

JazakAllahu khayr


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13 Responses »

  1. Wailekum asalam, now your husband may have a very low sex drive and he should have told you this after few weeks of marridge. You need to understand that men are not like a machine who have the strengh to do it everyday or whenever someone wants.

    it's very odd that you do sex once in two weeks or 1 time in a month. I will say that he has either erectile problem and is scared or maybe he does not feel sex is very important in a marridge. There can be another reason which only he knows. You should sit him down and explain how much sex is important for you and what is wrong. But if things still stay the same and you truly love him as you say then you stick with him.

  2. Two things can be wrong-
    It may be a supernatural thing- I.e some sort of evil eye of some sort of magic
    You should get rukia done by a good raki who is on the sunnah
    2- tell him to take medication - he should see a doctor first maybe there is something wrong! An underlying issue! Or he could just take viagra once a week
    One point I wanted to make was-
    U said u want sex every day of every other day but in reality I think that u feel like that bcos u are not getting enough, once u get enough 1/2 times a week is good for most people

  3. Awww sis this is so bitter sweet, your husband seems so lovely and so do you, yet you are suffering out of sexual frustration,

    sister have you tried talking to your husband and telling him what you just told us? that you think the world of him but are really struggling to cope with the lack of intimacy in your marriage, if you lay it out for him seriously he sounds like the kind of man that would listen, apologies if you have already tried this,

    women are addressed in al hadith because they are generally more guilty of not fulfilling the needs of there husbands, but the same applies to men its the right of both spouses to sexual satisfaction, i think really sister your husband does not understand how much you are suffering, that needs to be made clear,

    i hope you get a resolution sister i would hate for such a loving couple to end in divorce or worse for haram to be committed.

    All the best sis


  4. First of all the sex is psychological more than physical acts you shouldn't ask him to have sex by intimating him with kisses, sex is a tricky game you should play calmly and slowly by talking him sweat heartily and eye contacts, seduce him by very gentle touch, he will automatically arouse for you. Please understand sex is not a straightforward game there are no principle just you have to attract him. His ar usual will not com from his organ it will come from his mind so you have to prepare him.

    2nd you have to change his food after him more proteinious food , offer him more meet, with some natural drink, give him almonds, dates, best drink little warmilk mixed with Liquid eggs, offer him massage.

    Change timmong of sexy men are more active for send in early morning try to get in contact at early morning very near to his awakening time.

    Ask him to excersize heavily in a weight lifting gym initially at least 30 minutes with gradual increase.

    I think he is more afraid of having sex than some illness. Talk him on the matters openly listen him he will become your super man.

    Please not let him start some medical aids untill you try all these stuff I suggested. Because all the medicine came will finish him .

    Ask him to say the zikar for having sex that is ame zikar as twe say before riding some vehicle.

    If it will not work give him my contact I will teach him how to get more productive with you.

    Allah bless you with all the halal pleasure

  5. W/Asalam ! well
    1) you should be open with your husband you too are so close yet you are discussing it with strangers rather than frankly speaking with your husband that you need it there is no shame in asking for it .
    2) you should take him to the doctor and if he refuses make a request or insist.
    3) i think he is under some pressure or tension from his work (i have same problem ) that;s why his sex drive is low.
    4)i am not judging but make sure he is not is relation with someone else.

  6. Dear Sister,

    I suggest you do research on two topics - libido and testosterone.

    If you can manage to increase his libido, his sex drive will increase, Find out which foods increase libido and use those foods everyday to increase his sex drive.

    Find out which foods increase testosterone and use them in your cooking everyday. On his part he can do some weight lifting exercise to increase his testosterone.

    Don't put stress/pressure on him to make sex more often, he might get withdrawn even more. Alhamdulillah it's good that you both love each other, take your time and slowly bring up the libido and testosterone without putting pressure on him to perform.

    Please stay away from medication, it has too many side effects.

  7. as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah dear sister "amira",

    SubhanAllah, I can't really add anything more to the beautiful replies above, especially from Muslimah, Asif, and Zeeshan, but I went through the same difficulty as you. After the first year of marriage, my wife refused intimacy on a daily bases, and then weekly, and then a month or more would go by before I lost sabr and got angry 🙁
    And on the rare occasion we were intimate, she acted like it was rape, and just lay dead.
    I had many countless conversations with her about it, but to no avail.

    But besides all this, my wife was also extremely lazy, not helping me in cleaning or taking care of the home, and I would be the one to wash clothes, iron, wash dishes, prepare her breakfast, etc, while also working outside. She also started working, and didn't even help, and she would only come home to watch movies on her laptop. Otherwise, she loved spending as much time away from me as possible - it's the most heart-breaking thing to experience!
    It got to the stage where she would spit on me during arguments, and she was also physically abusive.
    So I had to get her parents involved, which again sadly didn't improve things, and I had no choice but to divorce.

    So the reason I say all this is to remind you to please be grateful, first to Allah, and then to your loving husband, and praise Allah frequently for the blessings you have - subhanAllah, what you and your husband have is very rare in this day and age, where most people chase after the dunya and temporary fleeting pleasures and distractions from smartphones.

    It's amazing to hear of your beautiful marriage and the love between you two! So please always remember to be grateful to Allah, and cherish your husband! 🙂

    "And We had certainly given Luqman wisdom [and said], "Be grateful to Allah ." And whoever is grateful is grateful for [the benefit of] himself. And whoever denies [His favor] - then indeed, Allah is Free of need and Praiseworthy."
    [Qur'aan, 31:12]

    "Thus do We reward he who is grateful."
    [Qur'aan, 54:35]

    "And of His signs are the ships in the sea, like mountains.
    If He willed, He could still the wind, and they would remain motionless on its surface. Indeed in that are signs for everyone patient and grateful."
    [Qur'aan, 42:32-33]

    "And indeed, your Lord is full of bounty for the people, but most of them do not show gratitude."
    [Qur'aan, 27:73]

    "It is He, Who has created for you (the sense of) hearing (ears), sight (eyes), and hearts (understanding). Little are you grateful."
    [Qur'aan, 23:78]

    "Why should Allah punish you if you are grateful and believe? And ever is Allah Appreciative and Knowing."
    [Qur'aan, 4:147]


    And another very beneficial reminder for all of us, men and women...

    Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:
    The Prophet (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful."
    It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?)
    He (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favours and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you."
    [Sahih al-Bukhari, kitaab al-imaan]

    Take care dear sister,
    and may Allah al-wahhaab ul-wadood bless you and your husband in your marriage, and increase the love and care for each other, and may Allah ar-razzaak make your husband and children the comfort of your eyes, ameen ya-rabb!

    was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  8. Talk to him. And keep talking to him my dear.

    This is a marriage, he is not a stranger. Communication is everything. If you can't say something, I also write a letter to my husband if I can't express myself face to face.

    If he loves you, which it sounds like he really does....he will care and the will do something about it.

    Bring books about suggest something new and leave it around the house....maybe that will encourage something. Maybe he doesn't know how to be with a woman, maybe he needs extra instructions. Hope that helps.

  9. hi,

    i am very worried and in tension about my husband behavior..

  10. As-salamu alaykum sister Amira,

    A few points come to mind, aside from what others have already mentioned such as diet and possibly medication (Viagra):

    1. Is your husband getting enough rest? You mentioned that he comes home from work and studies, or goes to the masjid. Is he getting enough sleep? Perhaps he can cut back on the other activities a bit. You might remind him as tactfully as possible that satisfying one's wife is an obligation, as much as studying or attending the masjid.

    2. If it is a matter of impotence or erectile dysfunction, perhaps he can satisfy you in other words (kisses, caresses, using his fingers, etc) when intercourse is not possible.

    It's a myth that all men always want to have sex. Everyone is different and men have varying levels of libido. I do hope you find way to resolve this problem, as your marriage seems idyllic otherwise, ma-sha-Allah.

    Wael Editor

  11. Dear Sister

    The easiest solution is to have some savings and spend them on a meeting with a psychologist expert in sex therapy.

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