I don’t want to leave my Wife or my Mum
Asalaam alaikum,
May Allah(swt) forgive us for our past and present sins and increase our knowledge of Islam, it is truly far greater than any other knowledge. I need a true and sincere advice to my situation. I do apologise for the lengthy story, I just feel I have to tell you everything that’s happened to me.
Currently I am married (Happily) and have been for the last 10years. Alhamdulillah I have 5 wonderful children. They bring joy and happiness to my life. My relationship with my wife started from chatting on the internet. One thing led to another. At that time my wife was married in another relationship, however when she accepted Islam she was divorced. I wasn't fully aware of it, but found out more later on. We started to date interstate and see each other once a month. It was hard coz we did not practise Islam with its full accordance; we just fell in love and did what any disobedient people would do. However we did not have any intercourse.
Things got hard, so we got married without anyone being a witness except for Allah (swt) and the Koran. We came to realise that what we did was not the right thing. My mum till this day doesn't know that my wife was married before me (however she calls her very disturbing names).
To make the situation hard, I lied to my mum that she was afghan, coz I felt I will never be with her. My mum did not like the idea of going out with her and staying in a hotel with her, but she felt that I deserved happiness rather than putting up with my parent’s fights, violence, abuse, swearing and argument for long time of my life. At the same time my parents were going through a phase of divorce (things between them got out of control; I could no longer keep them together). My mum always used me against my dad, I learned to grow up and hate him very much, she used to say very disturbing things about his past and call him very dirty names. She told us her marriage was forced on her. But I still did what I could do to keep the peace and work things out.
I remember from as young as 8years old till 22, my father always told me that he could not do anything coz we are in Australia. He was never a practising person. He prayed on the odd occasions. He only started to practise when he started to visit the mosque, but then my mum hated him even more. During my parents’ divorce, my mum decided for us to get married, coz she did not like what I was doing. I wasn't ready to do a big wedding, but she wanted to. So I did get married with proper nikkah.
The night before my wedding, my wife told them the truth about her not being afghan. My mum still accepted her and moved on with the wedding. 6 months after marriage my mum started to abuse me coz she is not happy with my wife and all the nasty things. She asked me if she was a virgin and I said "yes" to her (I lied coz I know she was going to give me shit for the rest of my life). I thought maybe my parents will learn to grow up and settle down if I got married (It didn't change).
After a long everyday abuse and screams from my mum, I decided to leave my wife coz she was pregnant with my first child and I did not want her to go through hell with my mum. My wife had no option but to sell the house and pack her stuff back to Melbourne to be with her parents. Time went by and after 3months I decided to tell my mum that my wife is pregnant and I feel that my wife has done me no wrong with my marriage (all she did is help me and my mum financially and mentally). She even supported her to help her get over her marriage and move on.
My wife was strong on getting divorce but after a few communications, she decided to give our marriage another chance and work things out. I had to move to Melbourne to be with her. Our relationship got stronger and better, my in-laws were and are great with me (they love me like a son they never had). We even visited my mum every 3months to see her (every time we visited her she used to act poor and wear her dirty clothes without shower). I even bought a house for her, so she doesn’t have to pay huge rent and yet I coped abuse that she is not happy with the house, it required a lot of money to fix (she recently sold it and made triple profit). I even bought her a choice of her own car, which I was forced to pay it off with my wife’s personal savings (so we can keep the peace).
I used to work second job to help her financially. She even got back with my father coz she had no man to look after her daughters and sons. I was happy for them, but she used me again to kick him out after taking his money (which I did and am very truly sorry). I did so many things just to keep the peace. Suddenly she decided to cut me off coz I was too far from her and being the oldest son I cannot fulfil my duty to her as a son and brother of the house (I even tried to go back and be closer but she told me to stay away due to my father). Even my sister abused me and my wife.
I was cut off for 6 years; no one rang to congratulate me on my 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th child not even my sister who was like my best friend did not try to make peace between everyone. So I decided to leave them alone and move on with my life, but somehow I was not happy within myself. After 6years of pain and asking Allah(swt) to make a way back to them, my mum calls me to come to my sister's wedding, which I refused to go because I felt like I was only called to attend a wedding. I don't even know the bloke and my sister only emailed to invite me. My sister never in that 6 years tried to call me or make a connection. I always believed that she was my best friend and she would always make things better (but I thought wrong).
The wedding went past and I refused to go. My father wasn't even invited to the wedding (he wasn't even aware of it until I told him). They used my mum's oldest brother to act on my dad's behalf. My dad is very upset and said he would never forgive them. My Dad admits he has done wrong in life, but never meant to hurt us and till this day he does love us. He has moved and married again (his second marriage is not the best coz he married a very young immature women). My dad told me that he wanted to be with my mum, but she didn’t want to. I believe he could have put abit more effort to make my mum happy by working and growing closer to Allah in the early stages of his life.
After living 7years in Melbourne I decided to move to Queensland due to the weather (my kids get very ill during Melbourne’s harsh winter). Now that I am here, she expects me to drop everything and run to her. She hasn't made the right intention and wont apologise to my wife (she still calls her nasty names). She wants to see my kids but only to help fix my single sisters and brother whom have gone insane coz of her (they are not normal and hates socialising or interacting with anyone). She tells me that she only wants to see her favourite grandson (my oldest son), my other children aren’t hers coz they are closer to my wife’s parents. This is ridiculous, if you love and want to see your grand kids, then you see them all. How would my wife feel if I tell her?
I know it is my challenge to deal with this situation. I have tried for three years to convince my wife to intervene and maybe help resolve the situation; but she tells me that Allah has not put it in her heart to intervene. She is no longer interested to deal with her. She believes that my mum is not genuine and doesn't want to make things right except for her own selfish reasons. She won't let my kids see them either. I genuinely believe that my mum hates my dad and so she hates me. I am getting used and abused again. I can’t go through the emotions. I know it is haram to commit suicide, but they leave me no choice. I told my mum that she needs to stop and for once admit that we are not perfect, but then she goes on calling everyone nasty names and etc. etc.
Recently I tried to tell my brothers to start praying and Alhamdulillah they started to do so. I even told them that they should be kind to their parent’s and sister’s. I told them that they should ring their father and talk to him. Three days after my brothers texted me and asked for my father’s number. Before I gave them the number I told my father that he will get a phone call and make sure that you don’t get angry and don’t start anything about the past and don’t mention I spoke to you (which he agreed). Two days later I get a text message from my sister telling me that how dare I tell my father to go over the house; he has no right to come around the house. I rang my dad straight away and asked why he went to the house, his answer was that my brother’s told him to come but see them in front of the garage. I told him that he should not to have gone, just meet them somewhere else, but he blames them and I blame him, he even told my brother that I spoke to him about this issue.
Now my relationship with my father is faint again, I feel like I don’t trust him and he has damaged the kinship. Since then none of my family wants to talk to me AGAIN. The last message was that I am a liar and I can never be trusted and I am brain washed. I tried to explain that I did not invite him to the house (I know the Islamic ruling), but they just kept saying liar, liar, liar. My mum calls me a haram child and that I was a cursed child, because she had a caesarean labour with me.
I am trying every day to call and text them but no answer. I do pray Alhamdulillah. But I would like to know what are the best actions to take to solve this situation. I sometimes wish I never got back with my wife and sometimes I feel like leaving her coz of my mum, but the impact on my kids will be greater. My wife will probably leave the kids with me and probably take revenge or commit an ill act. I don't know, but you can see what to degree I am getting to. Everytime my family gets involved in my life, situation between me and my wife becomes tense.
I just dont know what to do and I cant keep on living like this. I have tried everything from all the opinions from imam's. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.. I DON"T WANT TO DESTROY MY CHILDREN'S LIFE. I DON’T WANT TO ARGUE AND BE DISOBIEDIENT TO MY MOTHER… I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE MY WIFE.
Yours sincerely,
iLuvMyMum
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Salam brother
I hope your well and in the best of health
It sounds like you have been through a lot with your mother,wife,farther,siblings etc! I can sense you love your family alot however there are a few things you need to realise. Disregard your feelings for your mother which I know is hard but your up most responsibility are your wife and children. Islam does teach you to respect your parents but you have to understand there are something's I'n your family which you cannot fix on your own. Your mothers behaviour I hate to say is really nasty, especially how your cut of from the family then rejoined when if suites them. A mothers love is unconditional and you shouldn't have to fight listen to abuse jus to gain it nor should you have to spend money to keep the peace! Instead you need to become strong, your mother sounds really lonely and I do think she relies on you for emotional suppor hence the reason why u have had to hear so much about your farther growing up. Situations make people bitter,upset and they lash out on the person cloesest to them but sometimes you have to review your own life and trying to fix and patch up between siblings and your father... Maybe you should let them do it on there own accord so nothing comes back to you. Your situation is get hard as you cannot leave your mother good or bad she is your mother but your wife is your responsibility and our mother should respect her as the mother of your children! There is no favourite child as all children are blessing from Allah.. But you need to realise your priorities are your family! Create a stable house learn from the way your parents bickered and the friction within your household, do you want your children to witness the same? No!!!! So make changes, something's once there broken cannot be fixed I.e situations and mos of all mind sets! Your mum is stuck in her own way of thinking.....your cannot change that instead pray to al
Allah she realises her ways one day! Your main concern again as I stress greatly ate your children they will feel the stress within your household and do you want them to look back and remember there childhood with good memories or there parents being in stress! Change what you have control of!! In regards to your mother I cannot say some bridges can be created some fall it's all down to the individual self if the are willing to change there ways! Believe me elders sometimes don'tknow best! Ego is a killer and can leave someone with nothing I've seem it with my own eyes in family yet they won't realise untill it's too late! Just pray to Allan he gives you strength don't loose hope instead pray and ask for guidance as some connections cannot be broken but remember your own priorities!!!! Sorry if my message didn't make sense! Stay strong
Dear Brother, Walaikumsalaam,
Hmm. You seem to have a good heart since you want so much for your family to live peacefully together. BUT, 'you' cannot sort out everyone's problems. Sometimes, wires get crossed, or it is next to impossible to reason with others simply because they are on a completely different wave length.
From what you have described of your mother, she clearly has some deep rooted cultural and prejudicial issues that are influencing her relationship with you and your family. And since you have tried to fix these issues but to no avail, I believe the best thing for you to do is keep your relationship with your mother and wife separate. Do not encourage your wife to intervene with your sibling/mother/father issues - this is unfair on her. Reassure your wife that you love her and that you understand your mother has some insecurity issues - but you have a duty to both. Do not force your wife and mother to meet each other if there are fireworks all the time and do not relay to either of them if one says something negative.
At the same time, let your mother know that while you will always be there for her, you will also never leave your wife either. That you love your wife and you have a duty towards her and your children. As for your siblings - perhaps its time for you to 'stop' trying to set things right all the time and to let them figure some things out in their own time. If your mother keeps verbally abusing you, console yourself by telling your mother cleary has some 'control' issues and ask Allah to forgive her. Try your best not to react, simply tell her that you will not take such abuse, that you will leave the house and return when she has calmed down. Stick to this and hopefully she will start realising her errors.
Utimately, your family may never become the ideal family, and you may never be able to 'sort' all your family members out - but if you continue doing what you are doing, you will end up spoiling your relationship with your wife and your children. So brother - lighten your load and if you and your wife have not repented for your past sins, do so now. When you turn back to Allah and make tawbah, you will find some peace in your hearts and inevitably Allah(swt) will be pleased with you and bestow your homes and families with baraqah. Furthermore, remember your children - they are looking towards you for love and security, don't take that away from them because of your controlling mother.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
In addition to what sisterz and madi said, pls try as much as you can to make your own relationship with your father to be better. You have to know that in as much as you mom is important to you, your dad is also as important to you and you have to give them equal respect and love... I understand that your that has done some wrongs in the past. But we are humans and everybody is bound to make mistakes, so let by gone be by gone.. Try to make good the relationship between your father your family (your wife and children) .... . . . . . . Am sorry to say this, but i see your mother to be the main parson causing the hates, problems and divisions in your family at large... Her revealing issues to you (both the true and false stories), there by indoctrinating you and making you hate your dad right from your childhood... I see this as a serious mistake from her... She could have keep this secrete from you, bearing in mind that sooner or letter, Allah might change your dad to be a better parson... Or atleast she could divorce him and leave a better life without him. But revealing such issues has already ruined your (both you and your siblings) relationship with your dad.. She wouldnt give you peace of mind either, so that you could take care of your primary responsibility (your wife and children) ... This is another serious mistake from her... You dont have to follow you mother's wish if she is on the wrong track. ALLAH HIMSELF has even make this clear in the koran... So brother, Make strong your bond between yourself and your dad so that he would be proud of you as his son, even though your siblings are trying to take him out of there life... And also try to advice and convince him to do the right thing, if he is still doing things that are wrong.
Salams dear brother/sister,
May Allah(swt) reward you all for the kind words.
I just like to give you feedback what has happened in the last couple of weeks.
I decided to take myself and my children to see my mother. She was shocked to see that my wife allowed my children to see her Grandmother (mind you she never cared how many kids I had). She was happy to see them but she is now pushing me to take my wife.
My wife has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with my mother any more. I can go and see her and so can my children, but she is no longer part of the picture. The sad part is that my mum showed no remorse of what she did or happened. I tried to bring up the topic but she didnt want to have a bar of it. She things that it is all my father's fault and that I was too young (23yo) to get married. I feel that I am being used to do something about my brothers, she is pushing me to take them to my place and stay with me. The problem is that mentally they are not 100% and the second problem is that they are 21yo. I can't have them around my wife (it is totally haram).
The last couple visits and phone conversation she is pushing me to take them to my place and stay with me. I did make it clear but she thinks that I am thinking dirty. I told her that she should not have cut me off 7 years ago and I would have done something about it. Now that they are 21yo, they do nothing. One has become a zombie all he thinks about is that he hates my mum side and he loves his dad (my dad made it clear to him that he is married and he has no time for them and that his wife does not allow him to take them to his own house - sickening). my other brother is not 100% and all he thinks of is girlfriends. I took both shopping and one stood like a zombie while the other was pushing me to find a girl for him. My sister that is younger then me does not want to have anything to do with me. She thinks that she is better then my wife and she wont come to make things work for the sake of allah (tooooo much pride). I love my mum and I have never wanted all these things to happen to her. I know she is not well mentally or physically, every bone in her is in pain. I always wanted the best for her. I even told her to her face that i love her and I shattered that she has cut me off for 7years. I even told here that my brothers have become lazy because they had all the pleasure of life and she was a servant to them. I told that she should have balanced her life but not over spoiled them.
As you can see I am torn between both sides.. I know that my eman is weak. But what can I do, I cry to Allah every night to make my brothers and mother better (inshallah). I sometimes stress my wife, then I turn to Allah. My father is not interested anymore. He will take them on the odd occassion to the mosque when he feels like it. I live 45minutes away from them so I cant always take them to the mosque and nor does my wife wants to move closer.
One of my brothers can drive while the other has no license. they both mentally not fit to drive. on the other hand I have 5 kids and a wife.
I am totally torn.
brother Mo how is ur life now ? Im like u torn apart