I’m 30, in love with a 57 year old woman
Marriage age differences in U.S. couples
Assalamu Alaykum my dear brothers and sisters.
I am in a dilemma and would like to seek your advice. I am a 30 years old guy from India working in the Middle East since last 3 years.
Around 6-7 months back I happened to meet a sister from the US who is a revert to Islam since more than 2 years. We met in a Social Networking site (FB) and were working together in Groups. I didn't knew her age then and didn't even knew her relationship status.
Somehow we both admired each other and I started liking her a lot. It might sound strange but it has been a strong attraction since the beginning and it was strong as there were many other sisters around there too but I felt this special connection with her only.
We started sharing messages and Islamic discussions about various matter. We helped each other a lot in terms of our deen. She was not that old to Islam but still she had a keen interest which has made her gain much knowledge than anyone else in a Western society would normally. She does the Hijab and follows The QUR'AN and Sunnah Masha' ALLAH !
Now, since I was looking for marriage and I just thought maybe she could be the one. I started asking her about her relationship status which she said is single. She was also very interested in me but when I asked her age she became very worried and said that this would end this beautiful relationship and understanding I shared with her. Later she told me she is 57 but doesn't look like her age at all but looks like someone in early 40's which is true as I saw her picture and liked it too. She also told me its not gonna work as the difference is 27 years and my family would never accept her and moreover since I couldn't have babies with her will be another big issue.
Other than this she got married in her early 20's and had a son from the first marriage who is 36 years old now as she was 21 when she became a mother. Soon after she had the baby her husband left her forever and never came back, so she brought up her son on her own and just spent all these years alone thinking that husband's love is not her fate.
Her son is married but doesn't lives with her and she lives alone since many years. She lives very close to her old mother who is 83 years old as she is the only daughter to take care of her and so can't move out of the US.
We are much compatible in all areas except that our age is a difference in number. She sound or behave no one like her age which she said surprises most. We both have very strong feelings for each other which we tried to ignore and part ways many times due to the obvious circumstances but we failed as it was too painful each time. She never felt the same for any man as she did for me and same is the case for me.
She is a practicing Muslimah Masha' ALLAH ! and I think she could be a perfect wife Insha' ALLAH coz she loves and cared for me a lot. I personally do not have any issues with her age and issue of not having babies. As, I think having a loving and caring wife is much more important than having babies.
Other than that if we agree then I would have to move to the US which is not an issue as I am living away from my family to work anyhow. We both are going through a lot of stress as she thinks even if we agree I am compromising much and I think that I really need her as my wife. We both are praying to ALLAH s.w.t. to show us a way if we are decreed for each other. I really need advice from you all.
~ Your brother in Islam,
- akhan
(Note from Wael, IslamicAnswers.com Editor - akhan, see a similar post that we published in 2010 here, though your situation is not cynical or self-serving in the way that his was: "Marriage to a much older woman who will look after me").
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Asalam waliykum,
I am sure its no issue for you to move to usa, visa and Green card await you.
You have taken advantage od this sisters loneliness and the fact she is new to the deen. Shame on you.
Can not believe you can disrespect a sister so openly.
If you are Muslim man why are you chatting to women on facebook.
If this sister was educated about it being Haram to talk to men online it someone not her mahram she would bot give u the time of day.
My advice tell her by continuing talking you are both commiting Haram.
Leave her alone and stop looking for visa.
Fear Allah have taqwa if u really a Muslim
Who are you to say that he is looking for a visa? If it was the case, would he come here to ask for advices?
And why is it wrong to speak about Islam with brothers and sisters? Are you saying that it is not allowed to have discussions on the subject? At least they are doing it online and not in a hotel room!
This brother comes here to bare his heart and soul and look for his brothers and sisters assistance and all you do is judge him and make twisted assumptions.
yes he would come here for advice to justify his actions, he wants approval from the masses.
LOL you can not say at least they are doing it online... thats like saying at least i am drinking at home and not at a bar. Haram no matter what the context or place.
Shiytan knows how to use the internet too, and people have affairs on the internet does that make it less haram?? becuase its online? your logic is stupid.
I am advising my advice is not invalid... just becuase its not sweet and full of lies.
I say it how it is, they tarnish the religion we need to point out its forbidden these actions are never acceptable. Maybe then he will wake up and change.
Sometimes you need to not beat around the bush. Tell them about Allah and what allah says on these matters and the prophet SAW. Then they can make a choice. We should not put up answers based on feelings and emotions. islam is about Facts you advice someone using quran and hadith. if not then you are missleading someone.
It is forbidden to speak with a woman and appraoch her for marriage without consent from wali and in the presence of a wali. Infront of you father would a realtionship like this happen? uh no. Thats the whole point to prevent haram feelings developing "love" which is really lust.
I know i been there.... love only happens in marriage and a blessed marriage only happens when done via sunnah and quran any other way is not blessed or accepted to allah. So why would you do it???
if you are going to refute my points at least tell me where does Allah say hidden online relationships are halal and encouraged? where does it say in Quran man and woman can decide to marry alone without wali? please tell me where in the quran does it say what he is doing is Amazingly good??
I agree! judgement is not advice,if u have nasty thoughts it's better to keep them to yourself rather than poison the air with ur toxic words.to the brother I believe that u have a strong connection to this woman,but perhaps it is more on the loving terms of a mother figure,this will only cause pain for u both in the long term,keep looking the right one is out there for u
Wa Alaykum Assalam sister Sulayfah,
Sister I think you judged me as some one who is just trying to find a way to get into the US by hook or by crook which is not really the case.
The truth is that even this sister doesn't like to be there since she accepted Islam and prefers to live in a Muslim country and I prefer the same too. Its just that if she moves to the Middle East now there is no one to take care of her old Mother who doesn't have anyone else except her caring, loving daughter. This sister's father and an elder brother passed away in the past 2 years so this great loss in the family has brought them more closer and much caring for each other.
So, my decision to move to the US is primarily so as she could still take care of her mother and by the way she did dawah to her Mother and now she is a Muslim too Masha' ALLAH. Even her dad said the shahadah few days before he passed away. Moreover as a Muslim I know that parents have a great importance and we have to take the best care of them. If I make it a point to her and ask her to move to US I am separating a Mother from her loving caring daughter too.
Later, in the future we both might decide to move to the Middle East Insha' ALLAH.
I agree with you that the communication didn't started in a halal way but again I am just a human and can't be perfect same is for her. I am not anyway justifying my actions and all I want is to make this relationship halal if ALLAH s.w.t. decreed that for us.
I fear ALLAH and only ALLAH knows my heart and intentions.
Jazak ALLAH khairun.
Assalamu Alaykum
Brother Akhan,
I see a huge opportunity, including whatever I have mentioned in my other comments.
If you marry this sister, then you could also earn extra reward from Allah by taking care of her old mother, along with her. This will please her and also her mother.
I am not sure if her mother has accepted Islam too. If she hasn't yet, then there is an opportunity to save her from the Hell fire, even if she says the Shahaadah in the last time of her life, before she sees the Malak al Maut.
You could even grab this opportunity.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu Alaykum brother Muhammad Waseem,
Jazak ALLAH khairun brother for all your support and sharing views with me. Yes brother thats exactly what I thought too. ALLAH s.w.t. knows my heart and intentions. In this way I will be taking care of not only one Woman i.e. my wife but her Mother too. And brother She is a Muslim as well as she said her Shahadah already after the Dawah done by her daughter Masha' ALLAH. She is learning more about Islam and its Pillars Insha'ALLAH.
You're a very kind and compassionate person brother. I so very appreciate your support. May ALLAH s.w.t. reward you in this life and in the hereafter...Aameen Ya RABB Al Alameen !
Brother reading your comment I think you are soft and open minded mean you like honest people and you are seems like it. I think your intention is not bad you should marry this women. We Muslim wants to believe each other.
Assalamu Alaykum sister Nadia,
Thanks for your kind words and appreciation. Yes I completely agree with you sister. Lets see Insha' ALLAH what ALLAH s.w.t. has decreed for both of us and I hope whatever it is will be in the best for us Insha ALLAH.
Salam Br. Akhan,
The ultimate decision is yours.
Our prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) prefered:
Narrated Jabir bin Abdullah: While we were returning from a Ghazwa (Holy Battle) with the Prophet, I started driving my camel fast, as it was a lazy camel A rider came behind me and pricked my camel with a spear he had with him, and then my camel started running as fast as the best camel you may see. Behold! The rider was the Prophet himself. He said, ‘What makes you in such a hurry?” I replied, I am newly married “He said, “Did you marry a virgin or a matron? I replied, “A matron.” He said, “Why didn’t you marry a young girl so that you may play with her and she with you?”
Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) did not become annoyed with the fact that the sahabah married older woman but rather very much prefered if he had married someone of his own type (young).
This same hadith in another narration:
The Prophet (pbuh) said, “Where are you going?“ I said, “I have married a widow.” He said, “Why have you not married a virgin to fondle with each other?” I said, “My father died and left daughters, so I decided to marry a widow (an experienced woman) (to look after them).” He said, “Well done.” When we reached Medina, Allah’s Apostle said, “O Bilal, pay him (the price of the camel) and give him extra money.” Bilal gave me four Dinars and one Qirat extra. (A sub-narrator said): Jabir added, “The extra Qirat of Allah’s Apostle never parted from me.” The Qirat was always in Jabir bin ‘Abdullah’s purse (Sahih Bukhari Volume 3, Book 38, Number 504
In the above narration Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) was pleased with the sahabah's act due to the reasoning of the marriage (the older woman to look after the Sahabah's two younger sisters), other then that he (pbuh) prefered someone youthful for him.
My opinion/advise on your matter is to marry someone of your own age group. One of the key reason/puprose of marriage in Islam is to grow the Muslim Ummah:
The Prophet (pbuh) said:
"Marry, for I will outnumber the other nations by you on Qiyama." ( Sahih)
Therefore, marry someone of your own age group in order to raise rigtheous Muslims (sons and daugthers) for the Muslim Ummah.
May Allah (swt) make this easy for you.
Your sister, Parveen
Salam Sister Sulayfah,
Please don't be too harsh. Note that brother Akhan is very sincere and is sharing with us so honestly. He is here not for us to be harsh to him.
sometimes truth hurts, but if we are not truthful will anyone ever know the truth and correct themselves? we are nto hear to sugar coat. I can give a reply and no rules say i have to tell them what they want to hear. I am hear to give my point using islamic stance. The realtionship is haram case closed.
Sister Muhjabah,
The case need not be closed at that. Because according to a Hadith, if two people love one another, then the way out for them is marriage. Love/liking someone specifically is not Haraam, but if they do not marry and continue their relationship it is Haraam.
In this case, the brother has no actions that need justification. Yes, talking to a non Mahram online can be Haraam, but when it has been done, and they do not want to keep it a Haraam relationship, then I do not think this brother deserves what people are accusing him of.
Allah Knows Best
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As Salamualaikum,
Brother, you should be aware that Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam married Khadeejah Radiyallahu Anha when she was 40, and had all his children from her (except for Ibraheem Radiyallahu Anhu, who was from Maria Qibtiyya). And we have Aayaat in the Quran that the wives of Ibraheem Alaihis Salam and Zakariyya Alaihis Salam were too old, but they bore children. So, the bottomline is that it is Allah Who makes a woman bear. What if you marry a young woman and she turns out to be having problems to bear? It is Allah Who Has the Power to do all things.
If you are serious about this sister and that your culture will not interfere with her practice of Islam, then you can insha Allah go ahead as I can suggest.
But, as sister Parveen mentioned among the ahadeeth, marrying a girl of your age/a virgin is much preferred. And Allah Knows Best.
You said: I personally do not have any issues with her age and issue of not having babies.
There is a Hadith of Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam which contradicts this thought.
Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:
“Marry a woman who is loving and can bear many children, because I will boast of your numbers (on Resurrection Day).”
But this is not a compulsion. Because, as sister Parveen mentioned, he Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam did not stop the Sahaabah from marrying widows.
Additionally, if you marry this sister, this can act is something called Ta'leef al Qalb, which involves preferring newly reverted Muslims over the others, in order to help them develop their Relationship with Allah. We see this in the Seerah of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam when the division of was booty from one of the battles was being done. This is purely my opinion, and Allah Knows Best.
If you are serious about this sister, you will somehow convince your family, insha Allah.
But if you are not, then fear Allah and keep away from her. And do not help the Shaitaan in leading her back to where she came from.
After you get married, if you do, it will be better if you bring her to the Middle East. This will give her an Islamic Environment to study Islam and practice it better, insha Allah.
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother you said " if we agree then I would have to move to the US which is not an issue as I am living away from my family to work anyhow. "
Ifcourse it's an issue for both of you, as brother waseem said it will be better if you bring her middle east because she said she love to learn Islam and she is doing it. And living away from your family dosent mean that it dosent bother to your parents.
Also I don't know that you didn't say clearly that about your parents involve. I do not think they will accept this relation maybe I might be wrong.
Also brother waseem quote you nice hadit I will also quote some,
There are many hadith which recommend a man marry a virgin woman such as the following:
"Marry virgins for they have sweeter mouths, more productive wombs and are more pleased with less." [At-Tabarani and it is hassan]
Other narrations indicate that she is more likely to be pleased by a man and less likely to be devious and deceiving. Once, when Jabir married an older and previously married woman, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said to him:
"Why not a virgin? You could have played with her and she with you."
The scholars have stressed that this good attribute applies to the husband just as it applies to the wife. One of them wrote: "Similarly, it is preferred for a person not to marry his daughter except to a virgin man if she has never been married before." 'Umar ibn Al-Khattab once heard about a woman who was married to an elderly man and he said: "O people, fear Allah and marry a man to a woman who is similar to him and marry a woman to a man who is similar to her."
Assalamu Alaykum sister Nadia,
Jazak ALLAH khairun for sharing your thoughts and trying to help me sister. In sincerely appreciate that.
Regarding your question and inputs about after marriage asking her to move to the middle east I would like to copy the reason which I sent as a reply to the other sister here which will give you an idea about the situation -
"The truth is that even this sister doesn't like to be there since she accepted Islam and prefers to live in a Muslim country and I prefer the same too. Its just that if she moves to the Middle East now there is no one to take care of her old Mother who doesn't have anyone else except her caring and , loving daughter. Also her Mother can't fly also coz of her high fears and heart conditions so that is not an option too.
This sister's father and an elder brother passed away in the past 2 years so this great loss in the family has brought them more closer and much caring for each other.
So, my decision to move to the US is primarily so as she could still take care of her mother and by the way she did dawah to her Mother and now she is a Muslim too Masha' ALLAH. Even her dad said the shahadah few days before he passed away. Moreover as a Muslim I know that parents have a great importance and we have to take the best care of them. If I make it a point to her and ask her to move to US I am separating a Mother from her loving caring daughter too.
Later, in the future we both might decide to move to the Middle East Insha' ALLAH."
Regarding your question about my parents involvement and approval, I would like to inform you that both of my parents are no more :'( I was not fortunate to have them long enough 🙁 May ALLAH s.w.t. bless their souls and grant them Jannah...Aameen ! I am the eldest in my family, then I have two younger sisters and youngest is my brother. One of my younger sister is happily married and settled in India. The other sister is engaged and getting married later this year Insha' ALLAH ! So, my sisters will be settled with their families and only my brother is there. So, as far as my family is concerned they will not have any such issues if I move to the US for few years as they will understand the situation.
Apart from this I know and understand that it is preffered to marry virgins or women who can bear children but again as some members here said that if I marry this sister there is a great reward too for taking care of her and her mother too at the same time. After marriage we can foster care orphans or any unwanted children and so this is something which is of a great reward in our deen as well as our beloved Prophet s.a.w. used to take care of the orphans and foster care them.
Dear brother,
Firstly from bottom of my heart I am really sorry for your parents, may Allah bless their soul and forgive their sins.
Secondly I am sorry again actually I didn't notice that sentence which you mention in your post that her mother is old, I should have then I might not say that to move her. It's her mother last age and it's very important to be with her till last.
Thirdly I sill think that your intention is not bad at all as I said before we people like to trust each other. I think your decision is not wrong so far only Allah knows best what is good for us or not.
Finally I pray to Allah to help you in this because your intention is pure and clear like water may Allah protect you and guide you right path brother.
Assalamu Alaykum dear sister,
Aameen ! for your kind dua and caring words Masha' ALLAH.
And yes just coz her Mother is old it is very hard for her to come here and live with me permanently. I understand that there are many hurdles in this but still I believe that if ALLAH s.w.t. has decreed it for us we will find a way Insha' ALLAH.
Jazak ALLAH khairun sister.
No worries brother. What is going on now? Everything alright with that sister did you make any steps ?
Muhjabah,
A Hadith of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam states that there is nothing better for ones who love, than marriage. So, the brother should not be discouraged from marriage.
The relationship through facebook was Haraam, but there is a way to make it Halaal by way of marriage. When Islam has a solution, would you say there is none?
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam brother
I think it is great that age is no factor in you choosing to marry her. I dont know why so many people are against marrying a widow or older woman. Older woman will ask for less as as they will be grateful for a younger husband and take care of you more and have more experience in life.Wouldnt one be rewarded for marrying someone to give them support and help then out. I am not sure what the hadith means re m
arrying a virgin to "play" with her? Is this for sexual fullfillment? Isnt marriage more then just lust?
obvoiusly regarding the issue of kids is important. You have to realky think hard wheether you would like to have kids in the future or you be happy to adopt other children.. I am wondering re the hadith about bearing many children so what happens if a young girl is ill and cannot have children does that man that no muslim men will marry her? She will have to stay single her whole life?
Listen up , what you wrote in second para of your answer concerning Hadith is highly disrespectful and blasphemous . You don't seem to have enough wit to comprehend deeper meaning of the context clearly . "Play " can refer to all sorts of beautiful and youthful moments one can share with his wife including those natural desires and most men feel this way for a woman younger than them . This is how nature works and yes having children is something preferred in Islam and if a woman can't bear them she is not to be left unmarried , it's just preferred for men to marry woman who are fertile to futher their bloodline and extend one's family
There is no need to describe the meaning of this Hadith Mubarak further instead there is a larger point to make . When one who is a muslim views a hadith then debating over it or worse using the words you used " I think it's great age is no factor etc , Isnt marriage more than that ( concerning Hadith ) " . Who do you think you are ? Must be a spinster yourself but know this that showing even a tad bit disrespect towards Hadith will earn you the wrath of Allah and straight away take you out of the fold of islam . Don't look at Hadith based on you own feelings and sentiments driven by satan . This is how people become murtid and blasphemous pigs .
I must emphasize that within a period of three days if you don't remove the second para of your answer where Hadith Mubarak is mentioned then I will post your answer on deobandi groups and then it's up to them what they will do next . By Allah I am not trolling , don't you know the extent we can go for the beloved Prophet ? This is the only thing which is unforgivable and if your blasphemous answer stays then you will suffer the fate of what enemies of Allah deserve . All your fasts and prayers are withered away in the sight of Allah unless you make repentance . Shame on you
Sister you misunderstood my quote, here it is briefly,
jabir ibnu abdillah reported that once he was on an expedition with the prophet , and when they were close to the city of madinah, he sped on his mount. the prophet asked him why he was in such a hurry to return home. jabir replied, "i am recently married!"
the prophet asked, "to an older lady or a younger one?" [the arabic could also read: "to a widow or a virgin?"], to which he replied, "a widow."
the prophet said, "but why didn't you marry a younger girl, so that you could play with her, and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh?"
he said, "o messenger of allah! my father died a martyr at uhud, leaving behind daughters, so i did not wish to marry a young girl like them, but rather an older one who could take care of them and look after them."
the prophet replied, "you have made the correct choice..."
Brother,
I agree with sister Sumaira on this...think long and hard about what you wish to do here. My own take on the matter is, don't do it. I don't doubt for a second that this is a lovely sister but the fact is...you are 30 years old! Best thing for you to do is find a sister closer to your age so that you can have a family together (even though now you don't think it will matter...it will given time). Best of luck to both of you no matter what it is that you decide.
Salam
I think you should go ahead marry her! I don't know what's wrong with people here saying that you should marry a young girl instead, I think your reward for taking care and loving an old woman is much more than marrying a young girl for her beauty and "playfulness"...
Why wouldn't a 57 year old be able to play and make you laugh as well?
What are these weird statements many of you people are making?
I think the young girls have plenty enough men wanting them, why not let a older woman settle with something more than "what she's worth" (in these peoples eyes)?! Is a young man too good for an old woman? She should just remain alone for rest of her life (because 57 is sooo old anyway, and old women don't want love and intimacy anyway so they won't mind spending 30-40 years or so in loneliness...)
SubhanAllah to try to make young men feel it is bad to marry an older woman, that young women is so much better.. What happens when he and his young wife grows old? Marry a younger, fresher one because that old hag is not beautiful anymore?
Go on marry her, in sha Allah!! Best regards.
Sister you quote the first sentence "play and make laugh" but you didn't copy the last sentence which says "so i did not wish to marry a young girl like them, but rather an older one who could take care of them and look after them.the prophet replied, "you have made the correct choice"
So in my "statement" I donot see that I did discourage this brother.
Well that is not me saying it's not my words anyways you people misunderstanding my quote maybe the way i presented was not correct way . I would like to request the Editors to remove my comment please.
Sister Nadia,
Please do not take anyone's comment personally. I think Sarah addressed all of us and not you alone.
And I do not see anything wrong with your comment. Infact, I am myself of the opinion that the brother could marry this sister, but he should be careful about her rights. It is possible that he marries her and is not able to do 'Adl. To avoid this, a woman of his age is much preferred.
But if he marries this sister, there is a possibility that this itself becomes a source for him to enter the Jannah, insha Allah. It is a great deed if he can treat her justly and live with her peacefully.
Subhanallah
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you brother waseem but I donot take any comment personally but the sentence it's in my comment that's why I replied anyways may Allah give me more knowledge to write and express it properly 🙂
It is really Ok sister Nadia, all you were trying to do is present both sides in a good way. Jazak ALLAH khairun for your and everyone's comments here.
May ALLAH s.w.t. guide me to take the best decision for my life...Aameen ! As marriage is one of the most important one.
I'm feeling the pressure of being old and i fall in love of an indian man 30 years old. I look 37 years old but in reality i am 57 years old. I feel that I will steal his youth and it doesn't seems fare.