Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In love with non-Muslim man

Question:

Salaams.

I am a Muslim woman and have been seeing this non-Muslim man for a year now. We have been dating for a while and have realised that we could spend the rest of our lives together. But because he is non-Muslim we knew that it would never be possible to be together.

We would like to go our separate ways but this is very difficult since we have a lot of affection for each other.  We spend less time together now, we only see each other at work, we spend some time everyday on the phone.

I pray that Allah makes this easier for us to go our own ways and find someone to whom we can get engaged.

Is it a sin that we still talk and spend a little time together, for instance have a meal together?

Will Allah only make it easier only if we stop talking and seeing other?

Leyla's Answer:

Salaam dear sister,

I am afraid that a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man under any circumstances and it is unfortunate that you have gone as far as falling deeply in love, because now the seperation you seek will cause you great pain and heartache which is why we have these rules in the first instance.

MashaAllah is very brave and very virtuous to have come to this realisation and sought to take action upon it. I acknowledge you for having the dedication and God -consiousness to take action on this, and I know how hard it is to let of of something you love. It takes great courage and strength, and mashAllah, you are trying and this is the correct direction for us Muslim sisters.

Islamically we are not permitted to date or to have friendships with people of the opposite sex, because that inevitably will lead to strong emotions and strong emotions which cannot be fulfiled lead to pain. Not only do you have the pain of seperating without wanting to, but you also have the pain of wondering "what if" for a long time, and then the pain of comparing every man you meet to this man, who by virtue of the circumstance will enjoy a higher status in your mind, as do all things that we nearly had but then didn't have in the end. Eventually you run the risk of becoming dissastisfied in your religion and begin to entertain thoughts of abandoning it completely.

Please avoid these traps. If he converts to Islam, you can be together. I would recommend that you discuss this possibility with him, explain to him the meaning and point of it and perhaps you may find yourself able to inspire it in him. Do this without being alone, or in a romantic setting and inshaAllah he will convert and you can be together.

If he does not, I am afraid you must cut off all contact. Firstly beause, our religion forbids it and secondly because prolonged contact with one you love but with whom you cannot be with is an incredbly painful experience which can give rise to unhealthy thoughts which can lead us to destruction. Better to cut off contact to assist healing than to stay in touch and be in pain.

Peace,

Leyla
IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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6 Responses »

  1. Salaam dear sister,

    I am afraid that a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man under any circumstances and it is unfortunate that you have gone as far as falling deeply in love, because now the seperation you seek will cause you great pain and heartache which is why we have these rules in the first instance.

    MashaAllah is very brave and very virtuous to have come to this realisation and sought to take action upon it. I acknowledge you for having the dedication and God -consiousness to take action on this, and I know how hard it is to let of of something you love. It takes great courage and strength, and mashAllah, you are trying and this is the correct direction for us Muslim sisters.

    Islamically we are not permitted to date or to have friendships with people of the opposite sex, because that inevitably will lead to strong emotions and strong emotions which cannot be fulfiled lead to pain. Not only do you have the pain of seperating without wanting to, but you also have the pain of wondering "what if" for a long time, and then the pain of comparing every man you meet to this man, who by virtue of the circumstance will enjoy a higher status in your mind, as do all things that we nearly had but then didn't have in the end. Eventually you run the risk of becoming dissastisfied in your religion and begin to entertain thoughts of abandoning it completely.

    Please avoid these traps. If he converts to Islam, you can be together. I would recommend that you discuss this possibility with him, explain to him the meaning and point of it and perhaps you may find yourself able to inspire it in him. Do this without being alone, or in a romantic setting and inshaAllah he will convert and you can be together.

    If he does not, I am afraid you must cut off all contact. Firstly beause, our religion forbids it and secondly because prolonged contact with one you love but with whom you cannot be with is an incredbly painful experience which can give rise to unhealthy thoughts which can lead us to destruction. Better to cut off contact to assist healing than to stay in touch and be in pain.

    Peace,
    L

  2. Dear Sister,

    I have to agree with Sister Leyla. Talk to him about Islam with a mahrem present. If he doesn't seem interested, then you need to cut off all contact with him immediately. I know it might be very difficult to think about letting go of someone you love, but remember that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "You will not leave anything for the sake of Allah, Almighty and Majestic, except that Allah will give you something better".Jannah is worth every single sacrifice we have to make no matter how hard it may seem.

    May Allah help guide us all to His Straight Path.
    Wassalam.

  3. I believe that love is universal and God (Allah) is very loving, forgiving and generous. Why break this relationship when this man can be the man of your dreams and be a great husband and a father. I'm sorry but this is one rule of Islam that I have to disagree with and can't understand. I'm not bashing Islam since I'm in love we a Muslim guy and trying to learn Islam. Im willing to convert to Islam because that is important for my fiancé and because I know is a most for his family to accept us. But if I have daughters I will never prevent them from falling in love with the men of their choice as long as they are good men. I think people in general need to be more tolerant to other religions, ethnicities, races. People we are all human and God created us all equal!! Is not like we are trying to marry Camels with horses here.

    To the girl who posted this thread: I really hope you followed your heart and do what makes you happy. You might have let a wonderful man go by just because of a denomination. God put him on your path for a reason. As long as you both worship God all mighty I think he will be looking at you both with an understandable smile!

    Peace to all Muslim, Christians and all of those who worship the one and only God (Allah) all mighty!

  4. Unless there has been incidents that you didn't mention, it sounds like you are moving in the right direction as far as moving away from this man. I'm in a similar situation and I'm trying to expose my guy to Islam before taking that step, but I know it will be necessary if Allah doesn't place Islam in his heart. Hearing your story has strengthened my heart. Stay strong sis and May Allah bless and guide you! As you are moving away, keep in mind that it is not just the time spent together that should lessen but the emotional and any physical intimacy as well. These things can do much to promote fondness and make the break harder.

  5. Salam.

    I have similar but more complicated situation. I fell into love trap, in love with a married non-muslim guy. I was strong and rejected him many times but got weaken when he said he loved Islam. Now he is saying that he wanted to convert to Islam, but he can't leave his kids behind. I never asked him to leave anyone, it's really complicated. He keeps on mentioning Allah, makes me confused, but now I fell that maybe he's fake. I try to be strong and leaving him. I'm in such a bad pain, can't concentrate on my studies too. I have been 'zalim' to my ownself. Please sisters who are reading my reply, do not get to close to any guy, especially non-muslim and/or married __ if they really love you and your religion, they would be a man, and stand for you and Islam. Pray to Allah that if a guy is meant for you, let he comes as your husband. And sis Leyla, please give comment if you do have any. Thanks.

    • Am in similar situation his deeply in love with me ND I love him too but he say he will convert only wen we are ready to get married bcos now there is no one to lead him in Islam cos am not close to him our relationship is d distance one. I pray dat d guy will convert cos I luv him

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