Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Issue with my spouse

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Assalamalaikum, I am married since 15 months and live in the West.   I had a good life for a year and me and my husband  love each other a lot and everything is good. He is religious, smart, good looking,  intelligent and a very good hearted person...something which is what i needed . But due to two events my mind is going through a tough time.

Firstly , 3 months back i noticed he is under medication. i researched about it online and found it is generally used for  anxiety,depression and other uses for the brain. When i confronted him to explain, he told it is for his terrible headaches which are not resolved by painkillers and other treatments. He even showed me another medication he takes when he has a migraine (it was indeed a migraine medicine) . I was confused because his behavior seems normal and although he has lows but nothing like bad or disturbing.  Sometime later i happened to read his email correspondence ( dating to more than a year back)  he had with his doctor who prescribed the medication and it mentions of Trauma due to some tragic life incident along with symptoms of  anxiety, migraine and depression.   I feel it was wrong of him not to mention it before our marriage. The medication and trauma issue does not affect our physical  relationship though. And i do love him as he is a really nice and caring person...but i feel betrayed at some level thinking whether my husband will be able to manage his life and take care of me well .

Secondly, i came across his Social account where he had a chat with two ladies (one  was before marriage and the other after marriage) . There was no sensual talk, but it was more than friendly or you can say flirty . I felt so hurt and betrayed . When i asked him about it,  he was very embarrassed and admitted  he did chat with them and  it was inappropriate but it happened by accident as he was very exhausted and not feeling well in his mind at those two times which led him into it. He says the medication at times makes him feel in a different type of personality because he told before that he never did such a thing and that the moment he became concious that what he was doing is wrong he stopped any further conversations( which i found to be true because there was nothing after that) . He says that he would prefer to die than do something haraam or bring Allahs anger upon him. Although he did not feel scared of the event, but he was embarrassed. He told me he doesn't want anything to harm our relationship and he does not want to loose me or my love towards him. As much as i was hurt, he also seemed very sad and hurt not because of the embarrassment but also because he hurt me with this behavior. He was sad and hurt for many days as i could notice it . So it wasn't only me, which must speak something about my husband.

For me i feel this behavior has something to do with his psychological issue and Trauma he suffered in past rather than medication .  His Schooling college etc has been very clean , we got  good feedback from his College mates at the university about his character before our marriage . Even now he does not feel comfortable around women when we go out and is generally shy to talk to them and maintains physical distance from them in public places .  Although i believe strongly he loves me and will not go into major Sin because from his lifestyle and by  nature he seems very Spiritually Conscious of his faith and Allah on many aspects . But i still have that fear that what if at some point, maybe once in a few months or a  year he will chat with someone online in a friendly way and it also the fear of it converting into a bad chat etc without me knowing about it, i directly asked him about it and he told he would never do it and to trust him .  At times my mind even tells me if his love is real or not, but from the the events of past 15 months it does not seem to support it because his body language and the way he looks and talks to me looks really like love and he really enjoys my company and feels comforted with me. He takes me outside, buys me gifts, surprises me and does spend most of the time with me.

i feel his mind is not stable or clear at all times due to him feeling low at times when he doesn't talk or do any activity and i notice he is depressed and tired . I recommended him to seek help from a professional, and at first he became defensive and told he doesn't suffer from anything(maybe to avoid me from being tensed about his past Trauma issue ) , but i pointed out to him that those chats with ladies were obviously due to something wrong going on in his mind ...he later accepted to get help but with only a Counselor he feels is qualified and experienced with his type of case and i also obliged . He then got in touch with a Muslim counsellor who seems to have good results with lot of clients and my husband followed up with him and he improved in many of the lows he used to have earlier .  I spoke to the counselor from my side and he told that my spouse does have some issues doing on in his mind due to the past trauma and it is very much treatable, he mentioned that medications do help but do not solve the problem and my husband has not got proper counselling and help, and when i told him about his chats with those ladies etc he told it could be likely due to the trauma he has suffered especially after considering his history and good character. He strongly advised me not to think of divorce and to work it out with him and he will assist in it if i needed help.

My only fear is will he repeat it again in the future without me knowing ...even though it is less likely , i do not know how to face this doubt within me ...I told my husband that this is disturbing me and he told me that she being in such a state hurts him a lot and he requested and begged me to not think negatively or allow satan to cause distance between us. He told that I should trust him and he will do anything i want to keep things transparent between us.

When i contacted one of the my Lady friends in an Islamic forum to get a second opinion , she told me not to trust him even if his character is good  and that he maybe acting regarding his feelings for me,  and to reconsider my marriage....she told me why should i take chances especially that i am young and can find a more deserving person. She tells most men are like that and even though my husband did not cross the  major line or committed major sin he could always fall into something worser and cause more damage .  I feel she does not know him well which is why she is saying about the divorce thing. I am kind of confused now as all i was doing is take opinion . I think , myself as a women i am sensitive and could think too much. There are many incidents your hear in the muslim society where many Men and even some women involved in sexual relationships after marriage  , so what my husband did was probably insignificant compared to  such things happening in the society, but also not be ignored either.

i will really appreciate someone who can advice me and give a balanced, practical suggestion based on Islamic princples. i ask for your advice because from a neutral point a third person thinks calmly and won't think in ways  like i could do due to emotional reasons.  It will really calm my mind and help think more straight and solve the problem for good.

Muslim lady

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6 Responses »

  1. He seems like a beautiful person. DO not lose him. You are overthinking. Please never ever think of divorce.

  2. Bismillah
    I read only the first paragraph, and I promise you worship that man as much as islamically allowed!!!
    Don't ever lose that man. My sister nobody in this life is as perfect as this man IN THIS DAY AND AGE 🙂

  3. Assalaamualaikum sister. Please do.not follow and think what others think. Do not even try to think about divorce with your husband. I am divorced and trust me, it on an awful and painful experience. The loneliness thereafter eats one up. Once divorced islamically, it is very hard to go back. Treasure your husband and think about and appreciate all the good qualities he has. Make duah for him daily and ask Allah swt to preserve your marriage for a lifetime and enter the two of yous to Jannah. Trust me, there are far worst men out there.

  4. asallam onalikum dear sister there is nothing wrong with your husband you are just over thinking you should stop negative thoughts and try to cheer him up and leave the negative things out from your mind and from your house as you mention your story there is nothing wrong with your husband may allah help you both and also help you to stop thinking negative so chill everything is fine may allah heal your mind heart and soul ameen

  5. Aslamualoiqum,

    I am divorced lady( 26) born and raised in America. I was arranged married with my husband. I was going through depression and anxiety and i told my husband about it but instead he made it a weak point afterwards. Due to the lack of pursuing an degree yet, the family called me a physco even though i became extremly close to my husband within my husband. He wasn't really religous unfortunately nor was I , but i would wear proper hijjab when entering mosque with an abaya and would start practicing and learning the QURAN and going to islamic classes at mosque. You should talk to your husband. Hopefuly, he doesnt have a anger issue like most guys. My ex husband coming from a air force background had a very strict behavior at times when he would get mad at little things. He was kind of like yours. What broke our relation ship was when i caught him messaging other girls on facebook who i never knew who they were. He usually tells me everything but I was suprised when i caught some messages with him being frank and open like they are his girlfriends. He never had a sexual realtion ship with them but it suprised me that he is taking interest in other girls when i gave him everything. When he started abusing me then it crossed the point. I would say give it more time and see what happens. Tell him nicley that you have the right to see his everything. Nothing is private between our relation ( say that to him ). Hopefully, you wont hide anything or he wont. That just adds suspiscion. Try to go out on weekends after taking some rest . Let him be open with you about his problems or weaknesses. That really expresses that you care for him which will make him care for you even more. Ask him if he needs help or anything. Anxiety and depression is a serious brain issue which affects the brain. He is not doing this on purpose as it is his brain which is controllling him. He needs to seek happpiness to move on. So he is seeking halal way to do it. Like i was trying to do but unfortunatly the guy never understood me. BEST OV LUCK
    You can email me anytime you need to talk 🙂

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