Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve found out my husband watches porn

Man staring at computer

What's on the computer?

I want to know answer from a male's point of view. My husband watches porn and he does not know that I know about it as I check through method he doesn't know. I felt he was struggling against it. But he acts weird like he distances himself for days from me and becomes rude whenever he watches porn and in result I also suffer. I did not let him know that I know about it as it would make him feel more guilty.

He left it after our daughter was born and our intimacy improved and he was so happy with it but few days ago he started to act weird again. Checked pc and discovered the reason again. He did not watch it for 7 months. He is watching again and I see him depressed and frustrated these days.

I want to talk to him about it. I get very hurt and also how can I help him without talking to him? But the problem is we are not very frank as we had arranged marriage and we just got to know each other after marriage and our marriage is only almost two years old.

What I want to know is that will it hurt his male ego if I talk to him about it? He is trying to maintain a good image before me. He does not give his any weak or negative point to me so that I don't judge or taunt him. He is very egoistic by nature. I don't want to hurt my man's ego and dignity he is maintaining before me. But then what is the solution? I find no solution than talking to him but I find no words to initiate it. I am stuck. And our relation is suffering. It's not normal since our marriage.

iamnobody

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8 Responses »

  1. OP: He left it after our daughter was born and our intimacy improved and he was so happy with it but few days ago he started to act weird again. Checked pc and discovered the reason again. He did not watch it for 7 months. He is watching again and I see him depressed and frustrated these days.

    I don't think porn is making your husband act weird. There may be a reason your husband is acting weird and for same reason he is watching porn.

    Is there a intimacy problem?

    Just ignore this. Talking about this will also mean you spy on him. There is nothing to be gained.

  2. Asalam alaikum sister,

    I know I cannot give you a man's point of view, but perhaps my thoughts can help you.

    Have you thought of adding "child proof" locks on the internet? Change the password for the lock to a long number and keep it hidden so that no one knows. If he notices/ asks indirectly why his porn sites are blocked, then just say that YOU were tempted one day ( not him, that would sound blaming and hurtful ) and YOU did not want to fall into haram.

    Salam,
    Shereen

    • Shereen: YOU were tempted one day ( not him, that would sound blaming and hurtful ) and YOU did not want to fall into haram.

      That will make her husband think she is into porn and trying to control her habit.

      • Of course..then if husband asks she can say she was almost temped one day and just stopped it from happening. This may also put this in perspective for the husband, as to how his watching pprn makes his wife feel.

  3. Assalamualaykum Sister,

    Getting rid of this addiction is not easy and will leave you, your spouse and children in a very devastating situation and sometimes this addiction will carry out until death (which is very common these days - May Allah save all of us from this). My recommendation, not sure if you are aware of this program which has been started by Ustadh Zeyad Ramadan by name 'Purify your Gaze', it is kind of rehabilitation for addicts who are into obscene, vulgarity and other bad stuff(porn and etc). Lot of people has been changed using this resource and alhadmulillah they are doing good, it is a bit expensive but worth taking. They have very good team, resources and tools to overcome this addiction.

    *********I WOULD REQUEST MODERATORS TO DIRECT PEOPLE TO 'PURIFY YOUR GAZE' (BY BR ZEYAD RAMADAN) PROGRAM FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE INTO PORNOGRAPHY, MASTURBATION, EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIRS, FORNICATION, VULGARITY AND ETC*****

    It is important that you speak to him in a very polite manner and show him the consequences of this addiction that would severe duniya and akhirath. Lot of couples have been to this rehabiliation and people has seen the positive outcome.

    May Allah make it easy for you.

  4. I think he he is feeling ashamed of himself by watching it and the reason he appears depressed after watching it .

    I think you should

    1)Try downloading anti porn software and install on PC ,laptop or his mobile

    2)Try to be with him most of time or get him involved him in the household work like say hold baby for some time etc etc .

    The more he is busy in his work , or house related work he has less chances of watching it ...

  5. Whenever a muslim sins he can never be at peace unless and until he repents to Allah.I think the reason of ur husbands behaviour is bcos he is not in peace.

    There is always a solution comes when we repent to Allah with sincere heart .We dont realise that we fall into sin unknowingly like music,tv,FB etc.....

    I heard through many scholars.Allah has promised abundance in rizq, rain and even the changes in climate in the world through tawba.

    يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا إِن تَتَّقُوا اللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّكُمْ فُرْقَانًا وَيُكَفِّرْ عَنكُمْ سَيِّئَاتِكُمْ وَيَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ ذُو الْفَضْلِ الْعَظِيمِ

    O you who believe! If you fear Allah, He will grant you a criterion and will remove from you your evil deeds and forgive you. And Allah (is) the Possessor of Bounty, the Great.

    1. Praise and commendation
    وَإِن تَصْبِرُواْ وَتَتَّقُواْ فَإِنَّ ذلِكَ مِنْ عَزْمِ الاٍّمُورِ

    “If you are patient and adopt Taqwa (piety and fortitude) then surely these (qualities) are from the most resolute of matters.” (Aal-Imran: 186)

    2. Protection from the schemes of the enemy
    وَإِن تَصْبِرُواْ وَتَتَّقُواْ لاَ يَضُرُّكُمْ كَيْدُهُمْ شَيْئاً

    “If you excercise Sabr and adopt Taqwa, their schemes cannot affect you in the least.” (Aal-Imran: 120)

    3. Divine help and assistance
    إِنَّ اللَّهَ مَعَ الَّذِينَ اتَّقَواْ وَّالَّذِينَ هُم مُّحْسِنُونَ

    “Undoubtedly Allah is with those who adopt Taqwa and with those who adopt the path of (virtue) good. (Allah shall assist them against all their enemies).” (An-Nahl: 128)

    4. Rectification of deeds and forgiveness of sins
    يأَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ اتَّقُواْ اللَّهَ وَقُولُواْ قَوْلاً سَدِيداً. يُصْلِحْ لَكُمْ أَعْمَـلَكُمْ وَيَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ ذُنُوبَكُمْ

    “O you who have Imaan! Fear Allah and speak what is right. (If you do this) Allah will correct (accept) your (good) deeds and forgive your sins.” (Al-Ahzaab: 70/71)

    5. Allah’s divine love
    إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُتَّقِينَ

    “Verily Allah loves those who adopt Taqwa.” (At-Tawba: 4)

    6. Acceptance in the court of Allah Ta’ala
    إِنَّمَا يَتَقَبَّلُ اللَّهُ مِنَ الْمُتَّقِينَ

    “Allah accepts only from those of Taqwa.” (Al-Maa’idah: 27)

    7. Respect and honour
    إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عَندَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَـكُمْ

    “Verily, the most honoured of you in Allah’s sight is the one with the most Taqwa (piety, purity, righteousness).” (Al-Hujuraat: 13)

    8. Glad tidings at the time of death
    الَّذِينَ ءامَنُواْ وَكَانُواْ يَتَّقُونَ. لَهُمُ الْبُشْرَى فِي الْحَيوةِ الدُّنْيَا وَفِى الاٌّخِرَةِ

    “(The friends of Allah are) Those who have Imaan and adopt Taqwa (they do what Allah Ta’ala commands and refrain from what He prohibits).

    For them shall be good news (tidings) in the life of this world (the good news at the time of death that they will be taken to Jannah) and in the Aakhirah (when they wil enter Jannah).” (Yunus: 63/64)

    9. Salvation from the Hell-Fire
    وَإِن مِّنكُمْ إِلاَّ وَارِدُهَا كَانَ عَلَى رَبِّكَ حَتْماً مَّقْضِيّاً. ثُمَّ نُنَجِّى الَّذِينَ اتَّقَواْ وَّنَذَرُ الظَّـلِمِينَ فِيهَا جِثِيّاً

    “Every one of you shall pass by it (everyone shall pass over Jahannam as they cross the bridge of Siraat that spans Jahannam) This is the decreed command (proclaimed decree) of your Rabb. (Every person will have to pass over the bridge of Siraat. Those headed for Jannah will pass over it speedily and enter Jannah while the others will fall off and land in Jahannam).

    Then we shall rescue (save) those with Taqwa and we will leave the oppressors in it (Jahannam) on their knees.” (Maryam: 71/72)

    10. Eternal heavenly abode
    وَسَارِعُواْ إِلَى مَغْفِرَةٍ مِّن رَّبِّكُمْ وَجَنَّةٍ عَرْضُهَا السَّمَـوَتُ وَالاٌّرْضُ أُعِدَّتْ لِلْمُتَّقِينَ

    “Hasten to the forgiveness (acts and codes of morality) of your Rabb (by fulfilling His commands) and to that Jannah which has the castness of the heavens and the earth (to give us humans an idea of the size). It (Jannah) has been prepared for those with Taqwa.

    (Although Jannah is much larger than the heavens and earth that we know, the comparison is merely to give us an idea of its enormous size).” (Aal-Imraan: 133)

    Zina through eyes is looking other women/ men with lust. There is a punishment of every sin.

    Keep urself away from watching tv shows,movies,dramas even if your our spouse insists .bcos we fall into category of looking at other women/ men then there is where fitna starts.

    TV programs,movies,social media,sharing picture messages of other women/ men where we dont realise that we are doing zina through eyes.

    We backbite about others through social media.

    The consequences of these sins is our heart would not be connected with Allah. We cant pray with Khuzu .

    Before discussing with your husband , repent to Allah for urself and for ur husband.Ask Allah for guidance.

    Tahjud is the best time and after every Obilgatory prayers connect ur soul with Allah.

    Shaitan plays when we forget Allah.

    Protect your home from becoming theaters.What our home becomes is what it can bring inside our home.

    Please make your home as a deeni Madrasa and masjid.Read Quran and do dikhr.

    Fix a time with your husband everyday to read book regarding virtues. Muntakab ahadith is an excellent book.Its available in english,urdu,arabic.The book is with authentic narration compiled by Moulana Yusuf (Rah).This would really help to connect with Allah and Rasool (PBUH). It will help to improve our imaan.

    May Allah guide you... Aameen

  6. My suggestion is that try to attract your husband by wearing revealing clothes so that he does not even think of porn. Put on make up, perfume to seduce him.

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