I married a man as a second wife who kept our relationship hidden from his family.
Second wife
AOA!
I don't want to fill this post with "Woe is me". I've lived my life to the best of my ability and although I'm not proud of every detail it is what it is. I was born and raised in America. My parents died when I was young. I can say that I've survived by the grace of Allah (SWT).
I married a Muslim man - had a child and was deserted when my son was only six months old. I raised my son - did my best to teach him all about Islam and must say even in this society I've raised him to be a good Muslim. He's has done well in college and is an officer in the Army.
I remained single for 20 years. No relationships whatsoever - but my son has begged me to marry. I honestly did not know how to even approach the matter.
Unfortunately I live in a community that does not have a lot of Muslims and the small community we do have has always looked down on me because I was a single mother raising a son - I don't want to say I was an outcast - but truly I did not even make much of an effort to become involved with others.
I kept my Allah in my heart and did more than what was required of me as a Muslimah.
All of this I've said is leading to me to my current dilemma. I went on a Muslim marriage site. Found someone - long story short he came - we married and I honestly don't know what I was thinking. Nothing is as I thought it would be or as it should be. I knew he was married - I knew I would be a second wife.
What I did not know is he would keep me a secret from ALL of his family. He's planning on coming to stay in America in January.
My question is simple. I do not agree in any form being a secret. I want to know my rights according to Islam. I am not suggesting he needed his first wifes permission. I am not suggesting that either of us has done anything wrong. I simply want to know what Islamic standing I have to demand that he makes our marriage known to his entire family.
And yes, before anyone says the thought has crossed my mind that he could have married me for a green card. If that be the case that is between him and Allah and that is all I can say on the matter. My first marriage hurt me tremendously and I cannot imagine going through that pain again.
Any advice would be so appreciated!!!!
Allah Hafiz
~ TamaraHariri
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Assalamualaikum sister,
I pray that Allah gives you load of patience and rewards you for it.
It is very difficult to be a second wife and be highly satisfied, thouhgh there are possibilities.
I can not say that your husband married you for a green card, because I don't know. But I can just preaume that he married you wjile he was not living with his wife. I think he married you for protecting himself from the turmoils of life.
But it is wrong on his part to keep you secret, whatever be the reason. He should announce that you are his legally wed wife. Did you do the Nikah with all the conditions satisfied such as the Wali, witnesses, Mahr, etc.? I asked this becausw these are required for the Nikah to be valid.
He probably fears that his first wife will leave him or that his family will foresake him after knowong that he has married another woman. I suggest you to first tell him that his family's knpwlwdge about you is very important for you. See how he reacts then. Ask him the reason he does not want to inform his family about you. When you have known that, you'll get an idea about where to go, in sha Allah.
If he gives wague answers, you may need to look for indirect ways to inform his family, such that he does not know or was you who informed them. This way, he will not be angry with you.
All this, only if you deem it so important.
This was based on my presumption and opinion. I am sure others will give some more perspectives. Choose what you think would Please Allah and not involve sin.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asslam alekum wa rahmatullahi barkatohu
Muhammad Waseem,
i want to talk about my post which is right now in trash and some is pending but in ready state.
I dont know how to talk to you through this website regarding my issues.
Walaykumsalaam,
misterx, you will receive comments when your post has been published. Insha'Allah you will wait patiently.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister,
Your husband should tell his family. That is his responsibility as a Muslim man. The fact that he will not is extremely troubling, as you well know.
I differ slightly from one thing Brother Waseem suggests, in that I do not think having them find out in an indirect fashion is a good idea. In that case, it might lead to his family asking him some detailed questions when he is not ready for them. Or it could lead to his current wife finding out. Everyone in his family and his first wife should find out from him. You should insist on this. Otherwise things may not go well, and he is likely to spin it to blame you.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I just have to say this, it contains no curses or kafir words so please post it... the words of a woman with a broken heart for the worlds problems... Fear Allah if you are not to share this, all righteous peoples words of wisdom and hope regarding Allah have the right to be heard!~
Well what can I say to this post... it's hard to recover from such a situation after a couple have already been married. I feel ashamed so often to be Muslim sometimes, as I myself am an American revert and had dreams and naive ideas about how the religion would shape the cultures that practice it. I imagined Islam, and the holy Qur'an shaping the ways of the cultures that chose to follow them, and was sure that if they did in fact practice the things I read in the holy book, that this utopia I would find would surely be better than the western culture I'd chosen to leave behind. But you know Allah knew what I would find before I found it, had I done my research before reverting. I feel he knew it would discourage me to find that the Islam Allah SWT attended for us is so vastly changed and distorted... I want to use different words but will not... from what he intended and instructed and that over the years, the religion that guides and demands equality, fairness in all things from war to marriage to how to approach the earth and those in it.
So very often posts like this come up, and nearly ninety percent of them are things simply unheard of in the western world. I hear things like 'he married me and now beats me and lies to his mother about me', or 'He threatens to marry another and is happy with nothing I do, but I am his wife and so do nothing in retaliation' or 'He took my virginity and now my family has disowned me and his parents refuse to accept me as his partner'. What are you people thinking?? How is this even human behavior?? Where is your shame, your dignity, your honor or your pride???
In the west you hear things from women who are considered dishonorable... things regarding premarital relationships and alcohol and abuse. But how I ask, is it worse to take a woman... a PERSON who has been pious her entire life, and remained a virgin until finally she was conquered emotionally by a man, then thrown out like yesterdays garbage! You people are savages!!! SAVAGES. Insha'Allah we will see very soon how Islam was intended to be practiced, and I can promise it will not leave the men plucking women like flowers and throwing them out like trash, nor will it leave women groveling at the boot heels of the men in their lives, and it will hold all accountable who believe they are free of any blame or responsibility, whether it be man or woman. Women obsessed with money and status, who treat their kings like trash, and men who draw the riches from a precious female like oil from the sand, you all will be held accountable. Fear Allah, and walk the middle road.
Salam
Well said Stacy !! Atleast we can agree of the corrupted generation we live in presently. But be rest assured that this evil corrupted generation will perish shortly and the golden age will welcome itself, where justice, peace etc will surf among the Ummah. This age is not very far away, we are indeed living in the last generation according to authentic hadiths. But before reaching that golden generation, this world is going to face a sevre test by Allah and it is going to be a terrible, difficult sufferings, especially for the mid-east people, which our prophet warned of. But then comes peace. " Verily after hardness comes ease " . We just have to be patient, pious and fear Allah most high to be among the obidiant slaves.
To the OP-
Normally, there is no value in staying in a marriage with a man who is not manly enough to make his marriage official. Be it multiple wives. He negates his responsibility and it will be an impending disaster for you, if problem arises in your marriage. If anything bad happens in the future between you both, you will be in a disadvantaged situation for your marriage is secret. Do not indirectly tell his family about your marriage with him as this will only cause more troubles in my opinion. He will blame you and might do somthing real bad to you, if his life falls apart by your 'if' behaviour. Being a second wife aswell as in a secret marriage , all I can say is that you are going to be doomed if you stay married with him.
If he can't make your marriage with him official among his family and give you your divine rights then you need to open the door to another world. Leave him. Generally, Allah's law regarding polygamous marriage is that, it must be a 50/50. Equal, fair time among wives, finance etc and secret marriage is against Allah's law.
Make sure you have an Islamic marriage contract, so that you can prove to the community or the Imams about your marriage with him if problem arises.
Pray salat al istikhara and ask Allah to guide you.
All the best.
Stacy,
I have to say that I agree with what you said. I am also a revert.
I believe that Islam is taking hold slowly in the West. I pray it will be an Islam that truly respects women, men, people as Allah intends.
I do not blame Islam for the problems you have identified, rather I blame misguided leaders, age old customs that pre-date Islam, and those who have tried to bend Islam for their own selfish desires. Islam is clear in it's respect for all people, for peace, and for the betterment of all humanity.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister you said that your first marriage hurt you, can i ask why your letting yourself get in to this situation you said it yourself about the green card why open yourself up to this i believe you deserve more, it looks like your going to do this but can i give you some advice please guard your heart as best you can your a grown women much wiser and older than me but please asks yourself is it normal for a man to hide a marriage to hide a women he wants to love and respect, NO its not normal or right, insha'allah i wish the best for you,
Sister,
I come to this website daily and a quote I see often is, "If your relationship has to be a secret, why be in it?" It really is a thought provoking statement and one you should consider.
Your husband dishonors you by his actions. He should announce publicly that he has married you...that is what Islam requires. The fact that he is hiding you and making you this big secret angers me as a woman. Surely you deserve better than that, second wife or not!
May Allah guide you and keep you in his care always.
Salam
The islamic standing on secret marriages is clear: Prophet Mohammed ordered- Beat your drums loud!- at the wedding party, so that everyone hears - there is a marriage.
It is wrong- very wrong to keep a marriage secret. It is damaging to the wife and the society.
It is done in many Gulf countries- men marry secretly a second wife. Nevertheless usually these are - transient marriages, eg bound to break.
Usually when children come in, they either try to force the secret wives to abort or they are faced with the reality to tell the truth to the people around them.
All in all, it is evident that secret marriages are not a normal occurance.