Want to marry a pious white convert but parents will not approve
Assalamualaikum,
Cross-cultural marriages are common in Islam and no one should be rejected on the basis of ethnicity alone
I am a desi girl who would like to marry a white muslim convert. He is a very good, pious person and I have tried several times talking to my family about marrying him, however they will not approve of letting me marry him. They have said many times that they will never approve and don't even want to meet him or get to know him, since he is white and is not financially well off. I feel that he is a very good person and if they gave him a chance, they could approve, however it seems for certain that they will not.
I do not want to disobey my parents and I want their approval, however I do not know what else to do. I know their reasons for not liking him are not Islamic reasons, however I cannot make them see that no matter how hard I have tried. I have prayed and made dua and I really would like to start my life with him. However, I am at a loss for what to do. Should I just simply try and move on because my parents will not approve of him ever or can I marry him without their consent? I do not know what else to do to get their approval and it really seems like that they will never approve. Jazakullahkhair.
-sisterhanna12
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Assalaamu alaikum sister.
Sorry to hear about your predicament. You are right that these are unislamic reasons for rejecting a potential spouse. The Prophet (SAW) said:
"All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action."
As for financially well off, is he able to support you with at least basic provisions ? This is essential, however rejecting someone who is not rich is wrong.
The sad truth is you cannot force your parents to accept him. Acceptance has to come from them. You can try your best and pray that they accept him if he is good for you. Do they care about Islam. Try to show them some proof from the Qur'an and Sunnah and kindly explain that we shouldn't reject someone for material reasons such as wealth or ethnicity.
If they still refuse, speak to an imam or trusted influential religious family member in order to help you persuade your parents, or at least persuade them to meet him. It may be they are concerned that his conversion is or was not sincere - so if you are sure this guy is right for you, reassure them about their fears.
Even if they treat you badly, treat them well.
Make sure you do istikhaarah before you proceed InshaAllah. Please read these links on istikhaarah:
If this guy is good for you InshaAllah Allah swt will make it easy for you to marry him and warm your parents hearts towards him. Always ask Allah for what is best for you dear sister.
If they continue to reject him you may do better to try to move on if you can. I am not sure about this, so brothers and sisters correct me if I am wrong but I think you may still be able to marry if the parents reasons for rejection are unislamic, but if your father refuses to be your wali, you would need to find another close male family member or imam who could be your wali. Marrying without parents consent is not recommended at all though, especially if they may disown you. Marriage is supposed to strengthen family ties, not break some.
I pray that Allah swt warms your parents' hearts and gives you the best spouse!
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Assalamu alaykum,
If there is no compulsion in religion, the most important matter, how can there be compulsion in marriage?
It is your life, it is your choice. Allah has made it fard upon man, enjoined kindess towards parents. Consulting with them in kindness.
So whether you marry this guy or someone else, be kind to them and consult with them in kindness.
This is how you keep your duty to Allah of being kind, and marrying the person of your choice, which is your right.
14. And We have enjoined upon man concerning his parents. His mother beareth him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Give thanks unto Me and unto thy parents. Unto Me is the journeying.
15. But if they strive with thee to make thee ascribe unto Me as partner that of which thou hast no knowledge, then obey them not. Consort with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who repenteth unto Me. Then unto Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what ye used to do. - Surah Luqmaan.
34. And We sent not unto any township a warner, but its pampered ones declared: Lo! we are disbelievers in that which ye bring unto Us.
35. And they say: We are more (than you) in wealth and children. We are not the punished!
36. Say (O Muhammad): Lo! my Lord enlargeth the provision for whom He will and narroweth it (for whom He will). But most of mankind know not.
37. And it is not your wealth nor your children that will bring you near unto Us, but he who believeth and doeth good (he draweth near). As for such, theirs will be twofold reward for what they did, and they will dwell secure in lofty halls. - Surah Sabaa.
So you see who draws near to Allah? He who believes and does good, not he who has wealth and children more than others. Not one with outward show, but one with his iimaan and good deeds.
Remember, parents did their duty, raised you up, so tell them with kindness, I thank Allah and I thank you because you spent for me, took care of me in my years of growth, now is the time in my life, where I need to choose a partner, and I choose one who is a good Muslim and you say no to him, this is not Islamic way and therefore I shall not obey you.
Had your rejection been on grounds of Islam, I would be the first one to obey you. So kindly say this to them.
Also, some families have violent fathers and brothers who can use violence on their daughter or sister, so beware, take gaurd, keep your security your priority and then decide to say anything.
Also, try to avoid any fitna wherever possible. But tell them again : If you rejected him on Islamic grounds, I would be the first one to accept your rejection.
If you wish to wait and persuade, then tell them : I would like to marry him and have your blessings, so if you bless me now with this, Alhamdulillaah, if not now, then I would wait for you to bless me in this marriage.
You should know if all this wait is worth and you can avoid unncessary contact with him and fitna arising out of it.
Having said all the above, I would like to ask you something.
You said very easily, their grounds of rejection are not Islamic. But are you firm on Islam? Do they know of you to be a good responsible Muslima living life on Islamic principles?
If you be firm, you can shake their foundations of unIslamic thought, Insha Allah. But if you are not firm on Islam, they would think of you as doing "pick" and "choose" of Islam and may not be convinced.
Insha Allah, I hope Allah will bring in your life what He wills and one who accepts His will is a Muslim.
May Allah ease your way ahead.
Insha Allah, please increase reading of the Qur'an with meanings.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Dear Hanna,
I am a white muslim and am still married to a desi girl. Her parents accepted me but for the wrong reasons and so did my wife. They were only intersted in a green card. I don't know if you are living in US or UK but if you want to marry him (goara) make sure it is sincere and that you have to remember he comes from a different culture and there will be many differences that you both are not used to. I think your parents are acting culturally rather than based upon what you think. I sincerely hope you yourself thought the cultural differences out well in advance as it is never easy to be accepted as mixed race couple. I also hope you are sincere for this gentleman too. Money and wealth are not everything. That is something the both of you can build together as you build your lives together. My wife abandoned me as she discovered that I am not a rich American and lived with me only a short off and on 44 days. Within that time she got her green card and abandoned me. It has broken my heart and speaking on behalf of this white convert because I can relate I sincerely hope that you love him for who he is not what he has or doesn't have. Trust me it will be more devastating to him as he has given up a lot to come to Islam I'm sure against his family's wishes too. I hope you two can make this work but sometimes you have to think for yourself. I know parents can be very influential but this is your life not theirs and sometimes parents can be wrong. I implore you to think about his feelings too because I know the hope he has and the way he feels about marrying someone like you.
Another friend of mine, an american convert was set to marry a morrocan sister but when her parents learned he was black they refused him. He was pious and an active member of the community but when they refused him based on the color of his skin he became disillusioned about Islam and stopped practicing altogether just as my experience has done the same to me. It is too late for me but you can do something very wonderful for a new muslim that is probably very much wanting to marry you. You have to convince your parents harder if you really want this guy.
David, Asalaamualaykum,
I am sorry for what happened to you in your marriage. Please dont let this dampen your enthusiasm on Islam though. Those who behave the way your wife and her family did have a lot to learn about the deen of Islam and will be accountable for their actions. InshaAllah your loss will be replaced with something/someone more worthy of you, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother David,
You should not let situations like this affect the choices you have made. There were many times I wanted to give up hope but I kept going on and it always got better for me mashAllah. The religion Islam is a priceless gift, unfortunately some people look at the Muslims who are not following Islam (by rejecting people because of their skin color, using people to get what they want) and end up giving up their faith but Islam is supposed to be there to help you get through these things in life. The Quran is a guide for us to look at when we have tough moments in our lives. Allah is always there whether we choose to believe in Him or not.
I think you just lost faith a little, I suggest you watch a couple of videos on Islam and reread the Quran in English to know how Islam really is. Because Muslims are not perfect, we are all human beings and we all make mistakes but this should not affect your relationship with God. The relationship between you & God is yours alone. Don't let any girl or any situation take that away from you. Just some advice. May Allah guide you once again. Ameen.
-strawberryfields
Walaikulasalam
Well sister I understand your situation. If your parents do noot agree, you can still marry him but you will need a sheikh or imam to appoint a wali for you, it could be any man of the community and he could act in your marriage. If you have a brother, he could act as a wali for you as well. There is always a solution in islam to any problem. You should contact Centre for Islamic Services in Whitechapel, they have a site. They maybe able to refer you to the shiekh or imam to help you. They have a website online with their number or you could just visit them. You can speak to any sister there who could help find right contact or help for your situation. Inshallah I dua you are successful in your endeavours.
Assalamulaikum