Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother in law is trying to control my life!

mother in law problems

Before marriage my husband's mother says that they have some financial problem so they could not do their kitchen separately but after five months of  marriage they will surely do it buy now it had become more then three years they have not gone separately. My mum in law wants to control me and my husband. After one week of marriage the following weekend my mum invites me at her place but my mum in law say why you are going there. So now everytime we had to go to my mum place we have to give an excuse why we are going there. I have become tired of giving excuses like this. When we go to my mum place usually on saturday we stay and come home on sunday. As we do not go often we go there 2 times in a months. When it become sunday my mum in law start calling us at eight oclock in the morning to ask at what time we are coming home every time we go its like that

But when we go to her relatives places she forget she had a home she will stay there till late at night. and she forces me to go to her relatives places. She wants to control my husband also asking him how much is his salary asked about mine also. She wants that before I do something i should ask her first. So why should i ask her as am a married woman i know what right and what is wrong for me. When we had to go to wedding she will to ask what will i wear..she will suggest what should i wear am fed up of this...

She still wants my husband to listen to every things of hers as if me and my husband are still a child. I got pregnant so i use to go to do check up she got angry and told me not to go so often. so should i go to the doctor place on her telling me. When I get my child she told what will be the child name and got it registered also. She do the cards and cakes for distributing among families without even telling me what has been written on the card. She got the hakikah done by herself amd in the card my name was the last one..

There was death in my family she did not even gives us the car to go to the funeral she told us to go by bus early the morning as it was during winter. We cannot watch the tv as they will decide what channel they want to play. On one occasion she invites all her relative for dinner but did not invite my parents..

 

I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS SITUATION PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.

-zamia


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16 Responses »

  1. Salaams Sister

    This is a difficult situation for you especially when the mother of your husband is involved. But remember every sitution has a solution. Sister is there other family members living in the house that could take care of your mother in law (mil). You could speak to your husband and ask him to move out if possible before the problem gets worse...

    If moving out isn't an option then the only thing you could do is be good to her, kind to her, listen to her opinions but in the end you should make the final decision. For example if she suggests what you should wear, listen to her opinions and if you not comforatble wearing that particular outfit then tell her in a kind manner that you are more happy using this outfit.

    You are correct, you do not need to consult your mil before doing everything, so if she does question you about it then tell her: I've already consulted with your son and he is happy with me doing this. If you don't feel like going somewhere then inform your husband.

    Your mil is still being protective over her son. Is he the only child? She could also be protective over you considering you as her own daughter. This is good for both of your'll but it can be annoying especially when your'll need your space. Is your husband aware of the situation? Maybe you should speak to him and point out all the examples like you mentioned. He should be able to speak to his mum or maybe give you some insight as to how to react. If he does side with his mum then I would suggest speaking directly to your mil. If a situation arises and your mil is being insistent then let her know that you have made up your mind and you are sticking to your decision but don't forget be kind when you doing this.

    Rumaysa

    • Hi, I think this is good sound advice especially about treating her with kindness. She may be insecure.In my first marriage I had a difficult {mil} but in the end I can tell you in her old age I was the one she clung to I took care of her like a baby. She died during my marriage to her son.Every trial we go through in life is for a reason and it made me determined to be a good {mil} to my childrens spouses.I am older and wiser now but when I was young she hurt my feelings many times. Good luck to you sister and keep us informed.

  2. Salamoualikoum sister,

    I had a similar experience with my mother in law only she had to evil dauthers one that is younger then me, and the other is older by 2 years and married. My parents accepted that I live together with my husbands family and we were constantly arguing. My mother in law tried to control everything I did. She would come nock on our door at 7am-8am (we slept till 11am)

    When my husband wasn't at home (her son) she would fight with me, or hide sugar, oil, other foods away from me. From that day I stopped wanting to be the perfect bride and Told her what she and her dauthers do to me. She listens to her dauthers when they lie about my behavior. The smallest dauther that is 3 years younger then me, yells at me disrespectfully, and when i told her that i was older and she does not have a right to yell at me, the whole house got into a fight.!

    My husband saw how evil his mother and sisters are, and he got us our own appartment. We currently dont speak to them, but last time we did, We sat down and told them everything they did wrong, and how we tried to fix it but my husband knows they never wanted me, since Im canadian muslim from morrocco and He is afghan, from afghanistan.

    So in conclusion sister, DO NOT LET YOUR MOTHER IN LAW RUIN YOUR LIFE.

    The right for your mother in law in islam, is RESPECT. HER SON...(your husband) and yourself should sit and talk to her beside other family members. BUT THE "SECRET" is that your husband has to support you.
    If he is weak in front of his mom, then it won't work.
    Tell her, that your married and in islam this is not accepted, you have your OWN FAMILY, you decide the names of your children, you come and go whenever you want. Of you live in a big and fun city, you and your husband can go out even at 5 am or earlier.

    Salam, hope this helps, (beleive in yourself, have confidence and life you rlife with your husband.)

    • Salam,

      Sister Hafsa I know how you feel. My mil is afghan and I'm afghan too. She is so evil and twisted. She made up stories about me to my husband and lied many times. She is jealous and selfish. She gets mad if I don't give her money. This has been happening for 3 yrs and I told myself her immature behaviour continues then im leaving my husband because I don't want to be miserable all my life. She lives with us caz all her family is back home. I'm not sure what to do that is the only solution Im thinking of.

      • @MARIA-

        Sister maria, did you consider talking to your husband about this? sit all three of you and tell your husband in front of HER what she is doing wrong. Send her back to afghanistan if it's the last things you do...divorce between you and him, will only cause YOU bad name!, trust me. Since all afghans make up stories ( I know how you feel !!! ) they make stories of me, but I DONT CAREEE~~ i just live my life, alone with my husband in our apartment. He dosent even talk to his parents anymore because of what they did to me!

        • Even I m facing many prblms with my mil she always ruins my life she don't want me to live my life she always put many rules on me as i belonged to a Christian family and mine is love marrage I converted into muslim and I m facing many prblms regarding my dress and my appearance and she tells me not to wear tat not to do makeup but she does everything she wears new model dresses in this age and thinks herself as very beutiful lady in this world and treats me as a very small which has no value

  3. I am not married but couldn’t help but read over these posts. I apologize if I offend anyone but I find some of these mother-in-laws very amusing.

    @ sister Hafsa: When my husband wasn't at home (her son) she would fight with me, or hide sugar, oil, other foods away from me.

    Did she honestly do that? Haha 😀

    I think it really has to do with the power struggle these mothers undergo and the feeling of being 2nd in their son’s lives. Of course, this isn’t right as they were once a wife also to their husband so they should be more understanding of how a marriage works, but I believe if one has an understanding husband who is able to accept that their mother too can be at fault, that is a blessing of an in itself. I’d hate to be with a man who thinks his mother is infallible.

    -Helping Sister

    • I live with a man who thinks his mother is an angel and I'm the trouble maker, when in fact the situation is opposite. Still I live in such hell as I have children but myself have turned into a depression patient.

  4. @replying sister

    Yes, unfortunately she did do that and more.

    Just so you know, that I know it's a lot of pressure to be the perfect dauther in law. But even in a muslim family the mother in law can be greedy, bad, selfish and wrong. If you dont see the bad in her and just jealousy then talk with your husband. If you do see scary things, evil things like I said. Be careful some mother in laws pratice black majic, to the point of making your husband hate you...It can be in food, clothers andything that is yours. My mother in law apperently did that to her 2 older sons's wives...

    And yes, I'd hate to be with a man like that too. Well, mother in laws aren't really jealous in general, they just don't like the choice of their son. that's when it might turn to jealousy, my mother inlaw like a week before our engagement she told my husband to promise her that he will marry a 2nd girl over me....

    My in-laws are a messed up family, and im glad we got away from them, my husband and myself. Hopefully yours in the future wont be like that !!!

    • Aoa sisters,

      I am so surprised to read this, because I think the problems are all the same around the world..it doesnt matter where u come from.

      (Remainder of comment has been deleted. Samia, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will advise you in turn Insha'Allah. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  5. Same all is happening with me.. em so much worried.. even my husband is not supportive..i don't know what to do :'(

    • My husband listen to only his mother he does not have a say right now we are moving into her house sharing same kitchen and everytin

  6. Allah(swt) guide us all. I often say to Allah how He will judge me and my mother in law will be the best judgement to come. ....in the next world ..fair and square ....for believe me only I as a daughter in law know how much tears I have shed over twenty years of marriage because of her and no action from my husband. I ask Allah(swt) to grant me sabr, ease the continuous grief in my heart and to guide us all in this matter.

    Life is not fair and especially for many women. However I have seen a few amazing mother in laws...I always say only a handful...and they are the ones who are truly god fearing and thankful, and conscious that the daughter in law is looking after their son. Allah bless these amazing mother in laws.

  7. It pains me to see that the same trends on the behaviours of mother in laws and family in laws are happening across the world. They have taken that" jannat lies beneath the feet of thy mother" way too far.
    They push the boundries by ill treating , manipulating and using their daughter in laws. A real man would not allow anyone to treat his wife like that. Unfortunately it is as such, that some men go to the extent of running their marraige like a business and their mother the CEO. THIS gives wrongful power, which isn't even necessary. For all muslimah going through this, may Allah make you so strong, that you will weather any plot against you. Please promise yourself that you will Not become your mother in law with your children. Lets make a promise to stop the vicious cycle for future generations of our married couples to come. INSHALLAH AMEEN.

    • you are right subhanallah sisters dnt let your experience make you become like these evil mother in law
      to b honest the sister asking for help..should step up n not fall into this victim mentality.
      Be strong cuz no one will b for you not even your husband
      i wouldn't let anyone talk to me this way or controlling me this way
      You have to set the rules of what is acceptable otherwise she is the one doing it. Of course we hv to respect our elders but not to the extend of making u misereable in ur marriage. Step up!!

  8. Omg are u okay? How are things now

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