He’s born Muslim, but agnostic
Assalaamu alaikum everyone.
I've been a revert for over two years, and I was in a relationship with a man before I reverted. He's someone who was born Muslim, but didn't have a very strong upbringing in terms of religion, and so as a young adult he became an agnostic.
I never really thought it would be an issue, because I thought he was Muslim by birth so it was halal for us to get married. Now, this is obviously not the case.
I'm struggling with what to do. My biggest issue is that if we didn't work out, I wouldn't want to be involved with anyone else ever again. I'm being very serious when I say this.
I never have wanted children, and neither does he. It's not something I will grow into liking either. I love children, but the idea of having my own makes me physically sick.
What should I do? Even if I wanted to move on, no man would marry someone who so obviouslydoesnt want children.
- Talulah
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Assalaamualaikam
It's important to have a partner who shares your deen and is of good character; when considering marriage, we are looking for someone to share this life and inshaAllah the next. Many people rush into marriage, overwhelmed by the initial excitement and intensity of the attachment. Alhamdulillah it seems that you are now considering things more seriously and not allowing yourself to be swept along further by emotion.
Sadly, quite a few younger Muslims have grown up without a strong grounding in Islam, and are often not aware of how important faith is, so when they face challenges in life, they drift further and further away from the deen. It might help to explain to this man that your faith is extremely important to you, and so he would need to learn more about Islam and accept the truth of Allah's teachings, in order for the two of you to be able to get married. InshaAllah, he may then be inspired to come back to the deen, and can then propose marriage in an Islamically appropriate way.
Do not compromise your faith and identity as a Muslimah for him or for any man. Continue to learn about Islam, and ensure that you adhere to boundaries regarding interactions with non-mahrams. For example, you should avoid being alone with any non-mahram man, including this man. It might help to put a bit of space between you both while he is studying Islam, so that he can decide if he wants to come back to Islam of his own choice rather than simply to pay lip service to something he doesn't truly believe.
If you don't want children, that doesn't mean you won't be able to find a loving and righteous husband - people have different ideas about having children, and there are many people like yourself who don't want to have your own children. It might be helpful to think about the reasons why you don't want them. If you are anxious about pregnancy and childbirth, but wouldn't mind raising a child of your own if it weren't for that, it might be worth talking to a counsellor or your GP, as there are people who have a phobia of pregnancy and birth; this could be overcome with, eg. CBT. If you don't want to have children because of concerns about overpopulation or "how can I bring another life into the world when so many are suffering?" you could consider if adoption would be an option for you. If you simply do not want to have to raise children, that's ok too.
While it might be a bit more of an effort to search for potential husbands who do not want children, it's certainly not impossible. I know several people who, like you, do not want to start a family, and who have found wonderful husbands and wives. For example, some people who have already had children, feel that they would prefer not to have more with a subsequent spouse.
I would suggest that you pray Istikhara and ask Allah's guidance in this matter. Ultimately, though, we must prioritise our relationship with Allah and Islam. Sometimes it can be hard to do this, but we should still say Alhamdulillah for Allah's protection and guidance.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalamualaikum,
Sister, midnightmoon has said enough, and this is what I want to say. In addition, Allah Guided you away from darkness and showed you guidance. This man was from the ignorance - before Islam, and what you can get is much better than this. I know you are serious, but sister, you should realize that a matter of misguidance that could take you away from Allah is something Shaitaan encourages you to follow. The Hereafter is for sure to arrive. Will it not be great to have a companion whose support becomes a reason you are successful?
There are possibilities that this man becomes Muslim again. But it is upon Allah. Sister, I think you should give yourself some time to forget this man and TRUST ME, it seems difficult but is not as much as it seems. Your feeling will eventually fade and gradually vanish, in sha Allah.
Sister, do this for Allah's Sake, because:
"Whosoever leaves something for the sake of Allah then Allah, the Mighty and Magnificent, will replace it with something better than it." (Ahmad)
You say you do not want this "something better". Sister, it is just like saying: "I will eat rotten food or remain hungry". Please give yourself some time to ponder over it and seek Allah's Mercy.
And sister, even I feel that you are "sick" about the thought of having your own kids due to the struggle and pain involved. Please follow what sister midnightmoon has said. If this is not the case, do you know what makes you feel so?
May Allah Help you do what is best.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam,
Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate them.
Currently, as I'm relatively young and still learning much about life, I'm going to continue to explore my own beliefs and desires for the future.
Midnightmoon, certainly the fear of birth is on my mind but really I just don't want to be responsible for another human being. I wouldn't even be interested in adopting, or being involved with a man who had children from a previous marriage. Let it be known, I'm very good with kids. I get asked to babysit and people have suggested I work as a school teacher. But just like marriage... I have no desire for that.
Leaving this man is not something I am considering, but thank you for showing me my options.
I'm going to spend more time understanding my deen, and myself in the process.
JazakhAllah Khair for the replies.
-Tal
that isnt there all kinds of people and he isnt the only person who doesnt want kids. there also those who cant have any, may Allah(S.W.A) Help them, Ameen.
Salam Jay
It's more than his simple life choices regarding kids that keeps me with him.
Walaikumassalam,
Islam means Submission to the one Almighty Allah swt. Alhamdulillah Allah swt has guided you to the right path and may Allah swt give you patience and perseverance to follow it and be successful aameen.
Do not put conditions on your marriage, if Allah swt has ordained that you will be a mother than nothing you do can change that if not nothing you do will bring you a baby unless by Allah swt's will.
Just be the best servant to Allah swt and strive to be better. May Allah swt forgive us all. aameen